This is a long post, but I included a TLDR and asked for the sort of advice I'm looking for, so you can skip past my story. Bear in mind that I'm still in the early stages of branching out and becoming more sociable, hanging out with roommates, talking with girls at parties occasionally, and I've asked a few girls out, which is light years ahead of what I ever imagined being able to do. It might make for an amusing read on the toilet of a hard case struggling to see reality for what it is.

Introduction: I'm pretty much a hard case. I'm pretty much a weaboo, though I try and keep it a bit ironic now, and I'm more socially adjusted than a lot of other weebs. I went to an all boys high school, was obese most of my life (before age 15), passionless for the most part, played video games and did nothing else till I was 15, and now I've gotten to my 4th year of college while barely talking to any girls. Raised by a single mother. Raised on romance anime and hentai in my mid-late teens, along with hentai as most of my porn consumption. (I'm currently on nofap.) I always thought "Well, I guess girls aren't for me. At least I got my porn and hentai," but later through romance anime and seeing girls who were into anime, I started getting at least more interested, but I adopted all these toxic beliefs about how "perfect" women are and all that nonsense. I started to see the potential of going out with girls, but I always wrote myself off for being unattractive, or wrote them off for lacking similar interests.

I stumbled across TRP somehow, and saw a thread with some top books. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy and most of Attracting Women Through Honesty, and the first book changed how I saw my relationships with my friends and my mom, and got me to better understand the toxicity of my parents' relationship.

I started approaching some girls, mostly from my Japanese class and more recently a girl from anime club. I mustered up the courage to cold approach a girl from class, and wasn't even bothered when I got rejected. I was actually ecstatic that I finally did it. After my bad case of Oneitis in late September, I took a few months of doing self-development learning, lots of meditating, seeing how I could resolve and accept all the psychological issues like loneliness, insecurity, lack of confidence, negative thinking, and dozens of others, and I started building up a life purpose for myself. With this anime club girl, I had the plan pretty much down. I asked her to hang out, and I was see if I could attract her, no problem. I was just gonna brush up on my RedPill tactics, work off my past few months of work on humor and positivity, use the similar interests to my advantage, and hope that it might've led to something. Better than not trying, right? (And yes, I know that 1 success is a trap for my growth).

Then Oneitis kicked in, I felt dishonest for asking to hang out and then later having that motive of gaming her. "I couldn't possibly game someone from anime club. I should be honest!" I didn't know what I wanted myself, since I asked to just "hang out" and I tried to alter it to a date. She turned down the offer, but I asked if we could still hang out and that I was ok with being just friends. She was fine with still hanging out, then she flaked, and I did all the typical bluepill overexplanation and self-blaming, justification rambling garbage over Facebook. The epitome of cringe. And I was aware of my low consciousness behavior the whole time, and knew it went against every TRP stands for. Those ideals about about not wanting closure and not limiting my options and keeping my frame (online frame here) and all that. The worst thing might have been that she actually read and replied to my messages and gave me some of the approval I was begging for, instead of just blocking/ignoring me, so it further perpetuated this pity fantasy.

I clearly haven't adapted true abundance mentality, because I'm still stuck on wanting my fantasy relationship, just wanting a decent-looking girl who enjoys anime, so my standards physically are pretty low, but the selection pool is really niche from this fixation on girls who like anime. A girl who's an HB5 or 6 will be like an HB9 to me and all the Oneitis fantasies will build up just because she shares this similar interest. Learning Japanese and anything related to the culture is my main hobby/passion, though my career is supposed to be programming and I haven't done enough of that yet.

The college semester is ending, I'm torn over going with a career in Japanese (my passion) or getting better at programming (something I still resent doing), I recently had so much fun with anime club people on a trip and felt like I was going to lose my new friends there once I graduate in May, I'm realizing I haven't made many college friends and I'm trying to keep those friendships going, and I'm thinking that college is gonna be the end of my social progression. I don't want to end up like my brother who pretty much married early, got divorced, and is now married to another single mother with multiple kids. I don't want to end up friendless and alone like my family members seem to be.

The most crushing thing for me was that this was this girl's last day here at college until the semester break. And she agreed to hang out with ME, in the freezing cold on a Friday night, to go get some food. I thought "I must have made some progress. I guess I was pretty cool during the anime trip and just was enjoying myself." But it was building up to into THE anxiety fantasy bombshell waiting to explode as she creeped into my head and I gave her control over my emotions and need for validation, and I got really anxious and needy and all that. Nothing has ever hit me this hard emotionally. I spend hours trying to get her out of my head, until the investment got so high, and the decision reasoning skills became so poor that I killed the ship completely. I could've just kept it as "hanging out" and waited till Friday, done productive work, maintained frame and avoided excess contact, and saved myself a ton of grief and dignity. And then if she flaked, I could've written it off on the bad weather or general flakiness of girls or "it's whatever," but I overcomplicated it and was begging for closure because there aren't that many cute passionate girls in the anime club.

I've seen the sidebar post. I've seen how painful Oneitis is and how nice guy behavior doesn't work, and how you can convey your beta love for her one way and she'll go fuck Chad who doesn't give a shit about anime while she tells you she's "not looking for a relationship." I've been reading TRP posts and taking notes, trying to internalize all the concepts, all the caveats, the abundance mentality and everything for some months.

It's just a difficult pill to swallow. I know it's the only way to get what I want, but I've always had my eyes set on that niche relationship, and I feel like if I'm just going out with random girls, I'll never find what I always wanted. I've also seen several cases at my college where people have that sappy relationship where they watch anime together and get along and are "living the dream" relationship. Something that appears mutual, like it's the socially constructed fantasy I came to believe. I tell myself "This guy probably is super needy and doesn't get laid and they'll break up eventually," thanks to TRP knowledge, but it only goes so far.

And I know that if I go straight for the niche relationship that I want, it's going to lead to incredible neediness on my part and anxiety, and it won't last. I know in general that Chad gets the girl you want who's into anime and doesn't care about her like you do, and that these needy co-dependent anime buddy bf/gf relationships are built on no options or attraction to each other. I considered going hard MGTOW, but going MGTOW without getting any real development isn't going to work, so I think it's a trap for us hard cases to go there.

What I have to do: Get my life purpose and fitness in order to ground myself, to have something I care about more than women and external validation. Get more experience with women in general.

My ideas for next semester: Avoid trying get with girls who are into my #1 hobby (Japanese/anime).

Pros: Will keep me out of my comfort zone if I branch out and find women elsewhere, especially in different social settings.

Cons: It's easy to just not care about other girls because I'm so hooked on this fantasy. I'm avoiding my end goal, though I know the real goals "should" be building confidence, resilience, experience, abundance mentality. I feel like I'll probably still get Oneitis when I find some girl who shares this hobby, and turn into jello, because of how hard I judge based on this.

Female Friends:

Because I know that the sort of cozy relationship fantasy I have doesn't really work out in the real world, I was thinking that if I could befriend anime club girl, or some girl in anime club and have a sort of cozy friendship to see if that could get me to realize that what I'm looking for is actually a ruse. Doing this is with her would've likely made me into a orbiter, dreading the whole thing, feeling used and like I wasted my time, unless she offered me some real fun and thought-provoking anime discussions (Hah!). In general it's hard to be friends with girls because my standards are so low that I'd be fine with like a 3 or 4. Having an outlet for this sort of cozy fantasy could be harmful, but my roommate has a lot of female friends that he does this type of stuff with, so I may try it out with a female acquaintance of mine and see how I react.

I'm trying to figure out how I can brainwash myself better to get rid of some of these beliefs. Even consciously understanding all of this material hasn't changed my deep down unconscious core beliefs at all. I feel like all the exercises and Positive Affirmations and getting over the need for validation from my friends, raising my consciousness, meditating, generating positivity and learning to appreciate the beauty in life through mindfulness and presence, and the whole snowball of progress I was making for the past 2 months just imploded on me, and I regressed into a pathetic beg/pity friendship fantasy to get anime club girl's approval, even though I know there'd be no salvaging even a friendship after the stuff I said.

I wanted to post this here because you guys might understand what I'm going through, and I had some specific questions at the bottom. I know it's "not my blog" and all that crap, but yeah. Friends have been supportive, and some are helping me to see reality better, but generally TRP is not something these guys take kindly to. They can't even fathom how vital something like TRP is to someone like me, to be able to actually talk with girls instead of standing there like a statue. Protip: Don't ask people for advice when they don't have their own shit together.

TLDR; I'm a Hard case, trying to swallow TRP and get to the core of undoing these negative and limiting beliefs about women. I'm hooked on trying to get with girls who into anime, I thought I internalized TRP and improved a lot, but when life issues, my life purpose, old habits all struck at once, I regressed hard. I feel like I'm better than all this corniness I'm spouting, and I'm struggling to wake the fuck up in the midst of recent Oneitis. I don't want to go back to do this BP shit anymore, but I've become really needy lately.

My questions:

-Does anyone have any good ways to help shock me into TheRedPill paradigm? I feel like I want to be forcefed the Red Pill and truly understand the reality of things, or at least come to slowly realize it through experiences with reality, because I keep bouncing back into fantasy mode too hard after reading TRP. At this point it's like I forget girls take shits and throw fits.

-How can I start lose my fixation and scarcity over only wanting to get with girls who are into my main hobby/passion?

-How can I comfortably acknowledge that college won't be the end of my (barely existent but no longer nonexistent) social life, when it's been so tough to improve and I'm afraid of regressing once I get a job going? I'm kind of freaking out here, since I haven't made many good close friends I'll be able to hang out with to maintain a social life.

My biggest question:

-How do you get past the whole struggle of letting go of the girls you really want and just go get girls that are attracted to you instead? It seems like I'm just going to get into a relationship with some girl without similar interests that I can maintain, but then just wish I was with some girl into anime. As it irrational as it sounds, it feels pointless to even try "game" because I keep thinking that the experience isn't going to be good once I'm actually good with women, if I lose that "cherishing" love for girls. I'm still trying to get past this belief. I looked through a bunch of Oneitis posts to learn how to keep the fantasies from building up next time. I think being vigilant of the fantasies in my head and taking the shotgun method is the only way around this for me.

Part of me thinks the best option is to just go Monk Mode, get my career on track, and then have my financial needs met, so that I can be more confident with social things post-college. I'm scared of regressing, though, and I spend a lot of time on TRP despite not having my career in order first. I think my priorities are out of order, but I feel the need to work on everything, despite being really behind on my programming career. I just made such a shitty use of college until this semester, and now I've been having the highest highs and lowest lows, and I want to see what I can do.

edit Thanks a ton for the replies, everyone. It helped confirm some ideas I have on shifting where I seek validation. I gotta stick on here. From a lifetime of external validation, generating it internally is a struggle, so I'm leaning on you men for a while. I think getting more exposure at this point will be good for seeing through the fantasy. "Women will show you the way themselves." - looks to be a good strategy. I won't totally avoid the niche girls, but I'll go in and see how AWALT gets applied, and see how turned on/off they are by the TRP/beta actions I take, and how I won't get what I want through the BP paradigm.

I saw a good post recently on the hypocrisy of standards, and that was pretty interesting. Basically seeking out "the best porn" and justifying to myself "At least I know porn from reality. That hypocrisy of "just wanting an average nice girl who's into my hobbies" while if said girl was on an amateur porn site, I'd skip right past her without batting an eye. It's a trap to filter out rejection and escalate my Oneitis situations. It's clear that I have this exact issue and just want to "settle" instead of making progress.

I'll take more heartache from these niche girls to help prove to myself how crappy my old beta tactics are, and shock myself a bit, instead of cutting contact with anime club completely. I'm laying off the toxic anime though. And of course I gotta go and get some real field experience soon. For now, the semester is ending, so it'll be mainly Programming and RP theory while losing some more weight and getting into an exercise routine at home while I try and reground myself until mid-January.

I have a different main Reddit account on here, but it may be too easily traced back to my name, so I didn't use it. I hope I can make a followup post down the road once I make some progress.