How to not overlook good guys?

teaandtalk · 2020-04-24T03:19:12+00:00

Therapy, journalling, self-work to work out what you want in a man.

HB3234 · 2020-04-24T05:00:15+00:00

A marriage to a good man won't work if you aren't attracted to him. It won't feel good for you. If you're mentally unhealthy, good men might not always be attractive to you. I notice a lot of young women who call themselves "alpha widowed" tend to bring up later that they have mental health issues too.

Some reasons good men might not catch your eye...

-You might have "intimacy fears" that stop you from genuinely connecting with people in a healthy way.

-You might have low self esteem issues that cause you to accept the love you think you deserve (unfulfilling) rather than the love you desire (fulfilling).

-You might have an "attachment style" that creates bad dynamics.

-You grew up in an unhealthy environment and haven't resolved issues from childhood. Often we can confuse what feels familiar with what is attractive. Until you address your issues so that your body registers that familiarity as a red flag, this can make balanced and healthy people unappetizing.

If any of this sounds familiar, therapy can be a huge help.

If none of this sounds relevant, perhaps your criteria are too stringent on things that don't matter and perhaps lax on ones that do. "Marry Him" by Lori Gotttlieb is a solid book if you're worried you're in this camp.

EnemyAsmodeus · 2020-04-24T03:33:17+00:00

Seeing the potential in people is an important skill. Everyone has some problem. Don't wait for the perfect person.

And never be in so much pain over an ex... women have a biological advantage in this regard because of the shifted scale in attraction as the "selectors" of the human race.

Your "selector" role is also why you happen to have this problem of not knowing who is "good enough" because selectors in any species tend to make picky choices (which is usually a good thing "high standards" leads to be a better species evolution---if that is your conscious goal... or... is it your subconscious goal?).

In other words, you ask yourself what do you want for yourself?

mackveg · 2020-04-24T06:08:40+00:00

I think you need to work on yourself first. There's obviously something going on keeping you from wanting an obvious choice. Figure out what that is and work on it.

victorinevien · 2020-04-24T05:10:53+00:00

"Whole Again" by McKenzie, "Dark Side of the Inner Child" by Wolinsky has exercises to help you do this.

proactive-defense · 2020-04-24T10:28:51+00:00

The sexual selection mechanism, which is “how you feel” in terms of attraction, doesn’t select for this, so you need to make conscious modern world alterations to the primal strategy of sexual selection.

You’re attracted to a guy at the top of some hierarchy, or at least who presents honest signals of being there. This is why psychopaths are attractive, bad boys, the best at sport, celebrities, confident frame-controller, etc.

Men do not start at the top of the dominance hierarchy, they work for it. Unlike the past, men have a good chance at getting there without being murdered or put in their place by those already at the top. Sort of more fair, where hard work is more likely to pay off at the very least.

So, you don’t need to aim for guys already at the top (or at the “best” you’ve ever had and expect you can get), which is some consolation. Since you can invest in a guy and he can get there after the fact. Yeah it sucks that you can’t just wait at the finish line. But, you can make a difference to a man’s life and allow him the frame, be feminine for him and allow him to maintain and steadily grow into a more ideal man which benefits you and him. Not manipulation, but simply being feminine brings out qualities for a man. Win-win.

If he is to be this level of attractive to you, he will get the attention of other women. So you’ll try to get commitment and manipulate him to ensure your security and this will generate beta behaviour from him if he gives in, it’s called poison dripping and makes him worse so that you feel secure. And then he’ll be unattractive. Or he doesn’t give in, but maybe he sleeps around and you don’t want that either. Win-lose in short term maybe, lose-lose in long term definitely

And on and on, there is no ideal for you, no perfect situation without a compromise.

Conclusion: figure out what you want to compromise, to sacrifice, and what you value most. What is the ideal situation, what is the ideal man? Do you have the red pill knowledge to simulate the potential downfalls and to figure out if that ideal situation is realistic.

Make your goal specific in that way. Figure out if it is realistic, and achievable.

sometimesibritney · 2020-04-24T12:27:42+00:00

I think your real problem is living in the past. You get hung up on “the one that got away”. These past relationships that didn’t work for whatever reason, you need to stop believing that either of them could have worked out if you had done anything differently.

2020-04-24T13:32:10+00:00

Honestly, you seem like you are STILL stuck in the past. You say that you spent a long time hung up on an ex. Well, now, you seem to be hung up on this other "great guy" who you never even dated.

I think you need to work on accepting the world the way it is. Instead of trying to escape into theories and generalizations, you need to focus on being more engaged in your day to day reality. Build deeper ties to your friends and neighbors. Decorate your home. Get interested in your work and your colleagues. Do whatever you can to try and pull yourself out of your daydreams and into reality.

I was like this in my twenties too -- a total daydreamer. It wasn't until I get my feet on the ground that I truly fell in love.

Luis_McLovin · 2020-04-24T09:58:23+00:00

Therapy meditation and prayer

oooKenshiooo · 2020-04-24T14:17:45+00:00

You got some quality advice in some of the responses here.

Stop dwelling on the past and focus on becoming whole and stable in yourself. Resist the urge to fill the void with another man.

Shots2TheCrotch · 2020-04-24T14:36:15+00:00

If you consciously know this, but still act in a way that doesn’t serve you, then how would you consciously work your way out of it? Well, you can’t. That’s why all the people saying “work on yourself” aren’t really helping. Obviously work on your physical self by becoming fit and being stylish and friendly, but how to deal with your mental issues? Therapy, specifically hypnotherapy is your best option. If your subconscious is what’s really driving the bus, it needs to be spoken to directly and you’ll need help to do that. Your subconscious drives your attraction to certain people. It just needs a little tuneup.

2020-04-25T00:05:05+00:00

It’s not about the men. It’s about you. Therapy.

missylizzy · 2020-04-25T00:17:35+00:00

Being honest with yourself is good and the first step! Also, maybe this will open your mind and help you stop chasing after "alphas."

Title	How to not overlook good guys?
Author	scaredadvice
Upvotes	60
Comments	21
Date	April 24, 2020 3:13 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/g70ve0/how_to_not_overlook_good_guys/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-not-overlook-good-guys.654984 https://theredarchive.com/post/654984