Advice

UpTanks · 2020-05-15T04:19:43+00:00

but it has always felt like he did that because the bible says to do so and not because he really cared about our feelings

There's a lot to be said about this alone and I think it would answer your other questions as well.

What you need to look for in a Christian man, is a man after God's own heart (as they say about David), not just after religious/societal rules. Jesus and later Paul spoke a lot about this concept, I'd recommend for you to read John and Philippians (and maybe 1+2 Samuel to revisit the story of David).

The example of the salty spring, and even Matthew 15:16-20 comes to mind. You need a man who is being transformed from the inside by Jesus Christ - empowering him to bear fruit for the kingdom. Once you recognize what/who this looks like irl, vetting will be easy.

What is a biblical perspective on a man’s responsibilities to his wife?

To love and lead her in a mission for God (spiritual and physical reproduction)

Do you think a man is responsible at all for his wife’s emotional well-being? How should he care for her?

Well he certainly ought to care for her and treat her with the dignity you would expect of someone in a relationship (which includes being aware of her needs). But he is not responsible for meeting all her needs - nor vice versa. Nobody on this planet can meet all our needs - nor should there be. We have to be reasonably secure and comfortable on our own before marriage for this very reason.

That said, sharing vulnerabilities with an SO provides a very deep connection, since we are all vulnerable/imperfect - it's something we can relate to and empathise with. But if you smother a love interest with so much emotional baggage that it conveys complete insecurity (girls have done this to me btw), it's one of the fastest ways to kill romantic interest.

Why? Because all of a sudden, they have become a burden rather than a blessing.

ENTPunisher · 2020-05-15T04:24:14+00:00

This is not a conflict of values but a conflict of personality. The "I am not responsible for another person's feelings" crowd accounts for about 50% of the population distribution. The "don't invalidate my feelings" crowd represents about 50% as well.

Among the male population, 43.5% are feelers.

If you look at income charts, thinkers make on average $8,000 more per year than feelers. So if you want a softie as your husband, it's gonna cost you.

So what are your "past hurts" and what do you want a guy to marry you for, specifically?

Deep_Strength · 2020-05-15T15:14:07+00:00

I really don’t want to be treated by my future husband in the same way my dad has treated my mom; how can I avoid such a guy and what qualities should I look for in a man?

Watch how he treats others and you. Listen to your godly friends and family and don't get blinded by infatuation.

What is a biblical perspective on a man’s responsibilities to his wife?

Treat her as yourself (Eph 5) and be understanding and honor her (1 Peter 3).

1 Corinthians 13 on love is always a good one.

Do you think a man is responsible at all for his wife’s emotional well-being? How should he care for her?

Each spouse is responsible for their own emotions, but each spouse must also recognize that the way they act can influence the other in a good or bad way. Most people think these are mutually exclusive giving no autonomy to the other person. No one can cause someone to do bad things, and even if you are a godly influence the other spouse can choose to do wrong.

There are always going to be times in relationships and marriage where you hurt each other usually unintentionally but hopefully not intentionally. Each spouse should not only be in control of their own emotions (even if they are hurt), but make sure they don't sin by lashing back, silent treatment, or other juvenile responses.

Remember, the Scriptural roles and responsibilities are unconditional: a husband doesn't get to not be loving or kind because his wife treats him poorly nor does a wife get to not respect and submit to her husband because he was not loving or kind.

IsAllThisReal · 2020-05-22T06:16:55+00:00

Christians are called to the fruit of the spirit: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. "Against such things there is no law".

Your husband is not responsible for your emotional well-being, if you are an autonomous human being your emotional well-being should not be dictated by someone else.

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” ― Marcus Aurelius

Your husband is responsible for leading you, physically and spiritually. Sometimes you will need to be told the truth, even if that truth is harsh. Harsh words for the sake of harsh words, though, are not kindness, patience, or gentleness. My father is a hard man, who had a hard life. Sometimes he displays remarkable tenderness to my mother, but other times he was the rock on which my family was built. If you asked her, though, the times he is a stone were far more valuable than the times he was soft and tender. The question is, do you want a man who is a soft pile of sand, or a rock? When your waves of emotion break on him, what will he do?

Willow-girl · 2020-05-15T13:30:07+00:00

I really don’t want to be treated by my future husband in the same way my dad has treated my mom; how can I avoid such a guy and what qualities should I look for in a man?

An old rule of thumb is to observe how your dating partner treats the waitress, cashier and other low-status people that he isn't obliged to impress.

A man who is rude to the waitstaff is not a nice person, even if he treats you well at the outset.

Title	Advice
Author	thisisgarbage10
Upvotes	6
Comments	8
Date	May 15, 2020 1:59 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askRPC
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/gk095b/advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/advice.664745 https://theredarchive.com/post/664745