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[–]RedPillWonderMod | American man12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Are you a Christian?
If yes, how is your walk with God? (overall relationship, your obedience to Him, actions demonstrating your commitment and love for God, etc).
Focus on God and His Word and follow Him above all things. Demonstrate it by your actions.
Get yourself into the best physical shape you can, as fast as you can. (Safely, of course, don't do dumb things). It'll bring you a variety of benefits, including improving your marriage. This includes overall attraction, such as good grooming habits, nice haircut, dressing better and the like.
Have a vision for life that includes your wife/family.
As part of this vision, include quitting alcohol and smoking since doing so will help you accomplish your mission.
Sit down with your wife and share your vision and the steps you are taking to accomplish it, including quitting these habits. Let her know it's a process, it may take you "x" number of weeks to get there, but you will get there. She needs to see where ya'll are going, or at least where you are going and if she is going to follow.
Speaking of, you go whether she does or not. There is a saying "the stay plan is the go plan," meaning, your actions are the same either way, whether you (or her) stay in the marriage or not.
So you're not doing this for her, you're doing it for God and for you.
She'll see this and be much more likely to come along for the ride.
But again, if you're doing this purely to win her back, she'll likely sense that too, and just leave. Again, you do this for God and you. Period.
Be open and transparent with her.
Admit your faults, no sense hiding them, more of a "Yes, that happened. That's on me. I'm taking responsibility and making changes. You may not believe me, that's understandable given the lies and deception. You can believe my actions, though, because I'll be doing this with or without you. I chose you, and I encourage you to stay, but either way, I'm beating this and charting a new path for us."
Let you yea be yea and your nay, nay.
No more lies or deceiving.
You don't need her as an accountability partner. That's between you and God.
You can, however, be honest, forthright and candid in your interactions.
With everyone.
Read the entire sidebar.
Yes, it's a lot.
Just start. Take a post at a time. Read and reflect on it. Then act on it. Internalize everything so it becomes second nature. It'll take time.
Over time, your wife will see the changes in you. Your attitude, your frame, your confidence, your improving physical appearance, your vision/mission you're consistently working toward, and she'll pick up on that you're not doing this for her, but something you're internally driven toward and all of these things are attraction triggers for women, your wife is no different. She won't just "accept" you back, she'll want in and you'll likely see her doing things to win your time, attention and affection.
There is no guarantee. Some things are too far gone, some people too rebellious, etc.
But over and over and over again, we've seen men turn things around in worse shape than yours.
Get started.
Post and ask for help or clarification when needed.
And friend, I likely shouldn't have made an exception for you, but take the time now and post your stats, as per rule 2. It helps us help you.
It gives us a "picture" of where you are, and we can give better, more specific advice for your situation.
[–]PraexologyEndorsed0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yes, that happened. That's on me. I'm taking responsibility and making changes. You may not believe me, that's understandable given the lies and deception. You can believe my actions, though, because I'll be doing this with or without you. I chose you, and I encourage you to stay, but either way, I'm beating this and charting a new path for us."
And even this might be too long winded. "I was wrong, and I'm fixing it."
Then fix it. All the extra "you can choose to believe me or not." Is a roundabout Defense.
[–]RedPillWonderMod | American man0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's good offense. You anticipate her replies and address them before she does.
[–]CarelessBowler515 points16 points17 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
She is your wife not your accountability partner. The dynamic here is a symptom of your own weak 'frame' (a technical term around this sub).
We need to know your height, weight, estimated body fat %, and max lifts (if you know them). Like it or not, physical attraction plays a big role in the health of a marriage.
If you want our help in this sub the goal is not simply 'to win her back.' Your goal is to hear fruit in keeping with repentance, finding your own mission in fulfilling the part of the Great Commission God has called you to.
Read the sidebar. Lots of your questions have already been answered there.
The gaslighting and abusive cycles are above my pay grade. However, I know that women do not (meaningfully) threaten to leave the sort of man they find highly valuable. Your job is to become that sort of man, and let your wife make her own decisions.
There is hope. It'll take time, though. There are users here who can speak to your particular situation better than I can.
In the meantime, get some weights and start lifting.
[–]TheChristianAlphaEndorsed | On a Mission | IG: @TheChristianAlpha11 points12 points13 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Lift. Read the sidebar like your marriage depends on it. And read the rules before you post again. If you want advice that is tailored to your situation you need to follow the rules.
[–]RunawayGrain3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Fix yourself first.
[–]Rifleshoot2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Surprised no one else has asked for them yet: what are your stats? Height, weight, how much can you lift on the basic excercises. Ultimately, it’s impossible to give you good advice without it.
[–][deleted] 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Rifleshoot2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Add it to your post. A lot of relationship subs will pretend like "looks don't matter", but they do. At your height and weight, I would say you are probably a little skinny.
And if no one has told you this already, you shouldn't have tried to hide your smoking. If its something that you feel you must do to quit alcohol, then own it. The fact that you hid it says that you knew what you were doing was wrong. Your wife isn't angry that you were smoking, she is angry that you lied and then proceeded to disown the decision you made, which shows weakness. Women want their men to be strong and confident in the decisions they make, even if they disagree with them. Did any part of your behavior show any sign of being a man that is confident in your decisions? No.
You can fix this by telling her that you are not going to let her go, that you are going to own your substance abuse problems, and be honest with her about not being able to just quit cold turkey. Formulate a plan to quit, don't hide any part of it (that's cowardly), and follow through. If you need an accountability partner, don't make it her. She doesn't want authority over you. That's your job for her.
Women want strength and leadership from their husbands and based on what you've said in your post, you've shown neither. You've shown weakness and cowardice by hiding your issues and that disgusted her. I'm sure that when she discovered your cigarettes, you DEER'ed all over the place. You apologized, explained, pleaded, etc., which showed you were subject to her. So the only way to fix this is for your to step up, own your decisions and stand by them. Lay out a clear vision of where you want to go, formulate a plan to get there, then follow through. That is leadership.
[–]Original_Username75 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Kava has been huge in helping me get away from Alcohol. Check that out. Not sure what to tell you about dealing with the wife. Mine abandoned our marriage (not due to alcohol) and I have eventually become quite happier own my own. Praying for you.
[–]johnmic071 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You shouldn't be hiding that stuff from her. It's a major sign of weakness. If you need to smoke, just tell her that you're going to smoke. She'll be upset but at least you're not hiding things. Right now her hamster is in overdrive wondering what else you're hiding from her. Drinking? Other drugs? Another woman? Prostitutes? Be a man and take ownership of what you do, and don't promise something that you know you aren't ready to commit to because you're afraid of what your wife will say or do.
[–]PraexologyEndorsed0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The stay plan is the go plan.
Is she saved? Are you?
If she wants to leave, let her. The only way to save your marriage is to not be scared to lose it.
Stop smoking, do it for yourself because your body is the vehicle through which God has chosen to show mercy, grace, love, leadership, and conviction through - and you shouldn't be putting smoke into it. If it keeps your wife around, great. If not, great.
[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points0 points 3 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Take L-Tyrosine to boost dopamine levels (4-6 500mg capsules in the morning) + B6 as a conversion factor.
You need to just 100% quit immediately cold turkey and your resolve to do so is the only way to win her back.
[–]sliprymdgt6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
" You need to just 100% quit immediately cold turkey and your resolve to do so is the only way to win her back."
No. He needs to quit, but he needs to want to and to do it for himself. For his own integrity, for his own walk with God. Your angle is very blue-pill, and desperate sounding.
[–]Continuous-Metanoia0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Amen
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You can be a Godly man who smokes. The issue he had with his wife was the lying. In any human relationship, if trust is broken, and not immediately repaired through contrition and resolve to not do it again, it will not last. Ending smoking is the only way to show contrition at this point for lying about smoking.
[–]sliprymdgt1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I concede you can be a godly man who smokes. I do, not often. (There's a bigger argument here but I'll digress.)
So yes, the issue is stopping the lying and restoring trust. However, this also should not be done in an effort to appease her.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree with that.
[–]Nyquil-JunkieVisiting Infidel-2 points-1 points0 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Everyone has a last straw. I think you're done.
[–]truguy-2 points-1 points0 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Let her go.
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[–]RedPillWonderMod | American man12 points13 points14 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]PraexologyEndorsed0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]RedPillWonderMod | American man0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]CarelessBowler515 points16 points17 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TheChristianAlphaEndorsed | On a Mission | IG: @TheChristianAlpha11 points12 points13 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]RunawayGrain3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Rifleshoot2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (1 child) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]Rifleshoot2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Original_Username75 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]johnmic071 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PraexologyEndorsed0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points0 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]sliprymdgt6 points7 points8 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Continuous-Metanoia0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]sliprymdgt1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Nyquil-JunkieVisiting Infidel-2 points-1 points0 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]truguy-2 points-1 points0 points (0 children) | Copy Link