I have 2 close friends that are twins born 2 minutes apart and have witnessed their journey "starting a family" with 2 distinctly different men. Twin A is with a HVM and Twin B is with a LVM. I am friends independently with both twins as separate people (not as a twin unit) so I have witnessed their experience starting a family. Both Twins have mental health issues and needed support with their mental health during pregnancy. Both Twins are dating men that are blue collar/low income.

Twin A with HVM:

  • As soon as Twin A/HVM find out they were accidentally pregnant while dating, Twin A was concerned about having an extremely high deductible on their own plan. HVM was planning on proposing within the year to Twin A anyways (had rings selected to purchase), but pregnancy emphasized that he needed to take action soon since his health insurance was a lot better. Twin A's HVM proposed to Twin A in a thoughtful personal way, purchased a gorgeous but modestly priced engagement ring with a trade-in policy so they could upgrade the ring after they were married for a few years, and the HVM took the money he was saving towards hosting a small engagement party towards building Twin A's dream nursery AND scheduling 2 spa days to pamper Twin A before the baby arrived.
  • The HVM knew that Twin A really wanted family photos and was afraid they would not have money to get the milestones captured that she wanted. He worked overtime for 4 months to make sure he could afford baby photos for Twin A and make sure they had a nice stockpile of formula, diapers, and other supplies before the baby arrived.
  • Twin A was upset that they could only have a small wedding until the baby arrived since they had to get married within the first trimester for health benefits. The HVM reached out to Twin A's best friends and closest family to make sure it could be "as close" to a real wedding as they could have in that moment. He got a photographer to take pictures, found a friend that would do Twin A's hair/makeup professionally, got a bridal bouquet custom made for her, and found a family friend that would officiate and another friend to play live music during the ceremony. He reserved a small, classy Italian restaurant for the reception and worked enough overtime to pay for the entire small wedding reception for 25 people. It's been 5+ years since the wedding and they are planning a vow renewal "traditional" wedding in the next few years and the HVM has a separate fund towards making it happen so their kids can be included in the larger wedding now.
  • They had a small, modest baby shower for their first child together. The HVM was not afraid to show his emotions, show off his wife, and was overjoyed with happiness to see Twin A have so many people that loved her/their baby. He shed some tears and hugged EVERY GUEST to personally thank us.
  • When Twin A had their baby, HVM worked 2 double shifts 3X a week to make sure they were able to live comfortably while she was on maternity leave. Despite working 16 hours a day sometimes, he would STILL make it a point to write her romantic notes, send her flowers, and prepare the baby food/baby bullet while Twin A/baby were asleep to make it easier on Twin A. They are on kid #2 and this has NEVER ended and continues to this day.
  • When HVM was off work, he would takeover some child-rearing duties when he was back because he knew how hard it is for Twin A to do it 24/7 and wanted her to have time for herself to call her friends, relax, and feel good. Twin A went on a girls vacation with her BFFs and HVM was happily with the children for a full week WITHOUT complaint and coordinated child-care for that week so he could find a sitter/time to self when he was at work.
  • Twin A was struggling with postpartum depression and prepartum depression with pregnancies. HVM was concerned, supported her with every doctor's appointment (requested off work for him to be there because she wanted him present) and increased household duties to make sure Twin A was able to have self-care.
  • I visited Twin A during one of her hard postpartum depression weeks to watch her son and hang with her. HVM cried and hugged me because he was extremely appreciative of all the support Twin A had from her friends to check in. He told me he was so concerned about Twin A and wanted her to see how many people love her because she's his everything.
  • Twin A has a son and HVM models to the son HOW to treat women and why it's important to be a sensitive, emotionally intelligent young man. HVM never reinforces the gender norms young boys should follow and always encourages Twin A's son to speak out for others, show his emotions, etc.
  • Twin A's fingers got swollen during pregnancy #2 so HVM bought Twin A a classy, fashion ring with a lab created gemstone as a placement wedding ring until her fingers were back to normal. No questions asked and he did a great job picking a nice one!

Twin B with LVM

  • Twin B had a surprise pregnancy with LVM and despite talking about marriage abstractly, LVM got defensive and said "don't put any ideas in her head" when their family asked about marriage once the baby arrives.
  • Twin B's LVM loves to fish and do outdoorsy shit. Twin B has a bunch of pregnancy stuff that makes being active tough right now. LVM plans "date nights" for them to go fishing, BBQ, and do stuff HE WANTS TO DO as a "date."
  • Twin B's LVM smokes weed every single day and goes drinking with the boys a few times a month, but doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior while the mother of his child sits alone in his apartment.
  • Twin B's LVM only got Twin B flowers on their anniversary and made her breakfast 1 time for mother's day. Twin B always talks about how LVM is "getting better with money" but never seems to have money to even do basic adult things.
  • Twin B has shared her prepartum depression struggles with friends and she says LVM tells her it's her "pregnancy craziness" to invalidate/downplay her emotions. She said he "doesn't want to be around her when she's like that" to condition her to not show emotions in front of him.
  • Twin B has given 3X the amount of time, money, and energy in the relationship. Anytime a friend tries to schedule plans with Twin B, she needs to "ask if LVM can join us" which indicates he is controlling and bad news.
  • Twin B's LVM hates Twin A's HVM because he thinks Twin A's husband is "letting TWin A call all the shots" and other sexist BS. Twin A has been distancing from Twin B because she knows that Twin B is trapped with a LVM.
  • Twin B thinks it's "too demanding" to ask for newborn/family photos or a push present now because LVM is guilting her for expressing what she wants.