Bf wants to take things "slow and casual"

Kara__El · 2018-08-15T20:26:07+00:00

You're a plate. You'll never not be a plate with this man. I wouldn't add more unflattering relationships to your history by continuing this one.

Not_Another_Inch · 2018-08-15T20:33:18+00:00

I think I remember you asking for advice with this issue recently (I can't remember which sub).

I vaguely remember the general consensus was that your bf will probably never let this go and things will always be weird.

You should let him go. Work on yourself. RPW is not the place for you if you think you can demand anything from a man and expect good results, or think that 'dating' married men is okay. I understand that you were a bit younger then.

He is likely never going to commit to you because of this, and you're forever going to be dragged along by your heart until he finds someone he does want to commit to.

merel-- · 2018-08-16T06:28:54+00:00

You need to work on your self control. Even if you’re attracted to someone don’t fuck them. Only sleep with them once they’ve committed to you.

Neither of these men were intelligent choices on your behalf. Perhaps it’s time for some introspection on exactly why you had an affair with a married man and chose to believe what he told you.

Go into nun mode, stay single and celibate for a least a year. Then make a healthy choice, perhaps someone closer to your own age!

The truth is that he’s right for not committing because women like yourself that have affairs are not relationship material. Work on yourself and change that and you’ll get a different reaction from men.

thatbadlarry · 2018-08-16T02:13:31+00:00

The truth is you’ve devalued yourself in Will’s eyes and his relationship with you has cost him his friendship with his best friend. I can’t really blame him for wanting to be “casual” after that. I think you need to move on. Move way on. This social circle and these relationships are tainted. Better yourself, meet new men and then do better. The good part of this is that you’re young and you can learn from this mistake

justtenofusinhere · 2018-08-16T23:56:55+00:00

You are riddled with entitlement and insecurity.

You believe you are entitled to a strong, sound relationship and that you don't have to work for it. You feel you deserve it, you certainly want it, so you should have it. That's not how it works. You are in your situation, and the one before that, precisely because you don't know how to be in a strong, secure relationship.

You are also riddled with insecurity. From you rpost it is clear the only thing you are bringing to the table for men is sex. That's it, that's what you've got, that's what you're selling 'cause you aint got nothing more. Guess what? So does every other woman. Of course, you're young, and sweet and so full of life. Know what else? Every day you're getting older. You're clearly getting bitter and your enthusiasm is long gone.

You have nothing developed to offer a man looking for a relationship. You have two choices: 1) do what most people do and careen from one trainwreck to another hoping one of them has enough usable debre left to duct tape together some sort of a relationship, or 2) understand you are NOT entitled to anything, you do not derve anything, no matter how much you may want it.

If you opt for #2, understand how much dmage you did to you and everyone around you. You will take a permanent hit because of that. You have made clear you don't give a shit about commitments, or the consequences to others when they conflict with what you want. from the above you show no actual concern for the wife or the daughter. You don't show any concern for your boyfriend. The only reason you are regretful now is because you still aren't getting what you want.

You can still improve your SMV, vastly, but it will always be less than what it otherwise would have been. You have a lot of work to do and for quite a long while 100% of it need to be directed onto yourself. You are not a nice person and anyone with any clue will avoid you.

kwarner93 · 2018-08-15T22:25:02+00:00

Stop wasting your time. Focus on yourself and get your act together & then look for a man that has the qualities you’re looking for.

Mentathiel · 2018-08-16T20:31:52+00:00

I've left this subreddit about a year ago, but I lurk occasionally, and you've managed to bring me out of the shadows. Good job!

Anyway, I am seriously worried about your situation.

You're aware that Peter exploited you. He used his age and maturity to get the teenage you to sleep with him without offering any commitment in return, and was using you for years. Let's ignore how you entered such an arrangement for a moment. In order to maintain his relationship with you, he must have had to make you neglect your wishes and needs for the sake of his. To do this, he had to destroy your self-esteem and cut you off from people who love you and would look out for you and warn you that you're being infatuated and irrational. He's probably made you too embarrassed to talk about your relationship frankly with your friends and family, or stressed that you must keep it secret so he wouldn't get in trouble with his wife. Whichever the case, he must have been emotionally abusive along the way, putting you down for something or making you feel guilty, whether it is when you want to leave or in general (much like Will now is!!), in order to keep you docile and compliant.

Bear in mind that the effects of this didn't stop once you exited the relationship. You are still psychologically damaged by that relationship and you still feel unworthy of love and respect. You think we think of you as whore, and you probably think we'd be right. While what you've done is indeed immoral and while your fixation on looks is unhelpful, you have to take into consideration that you were really young and how significantly older the man who took advantage of you was. You're not an idiot for being with him, you've just been failed by your family who was supposed to teach you about red flags and self-control. Think about it like this, you're 22 now, right? If you tried to seduce a 16 year old boy (ignore the creepiness for a moment, trust me, a 37yo going for a 19yo is along the same level of creepy, slightly less maybe), think of all of the things you could do that he's never even dreamed of to blow his mind. Think about how much of a little boy he is to you and all the knowledge and maturity you have over a 16yo. Now, you'd be 6 years older than this boy. This man is THREE TIMES that. You have to have respect for the edge he has over you. I'm not saying older people are always smarter or more mature, but somebody equally as capable and intelligent as you who's 18 years older has had almost two decades more than you to accumulate experience, draw conclusions, practice communication etc. etc.

Given all of this, I strongly encourage you to see a therapist. I doubt that you've yet disentangled most of the things that had happened to you, and I'm certain that you need to before you're able to have a healthy relationship.

Now, Will. Will is unhappy with you. He's been hurt by you not telling him ahead of time about your history with Peter and allowing him to make an informed decision about his relationship with you. You've allowed him to become invested before finding out that he'll have to confront his best friend over it, and you probably know how nasty his best friend can be when displeased. I'm sure he's made him feel all flavors of guilty over this, although arguably it wasn't his fault. On top of that, he's found out that a woman he's been invested enough in to let his best friend abandon him is a marriage destroyed who's dated significantly older men who he happens to know intimately, and has also neglected to mention this. That must sting. So, anyway, he has no intention whatsoever of getting over these facts, or else he'd be talking to you about them, trying to work through his feelings, suggesting therapy or couple's therapy, thinking about what you can do to make amends and to make him feel content with what has happened etc. He doesn't sound to be doing any of that work. He is actually cheating on you, manipulating you into staying with him, and further destroying your already damaged self-esteem. He resents you and he's punishing you for what you've done. He probably once loved you, but I can't see it being the case anymore. I honestly suspect he's staying with you just to torture you, because empirically speaking, he isn't showing any signs of wanting to move the relationship. "Taking it slow" actually means having some sort of progression, not disregarding your need completely while you seem to be trying your best to be the perfect partner (judging from what you've described in the comments). You can't love or respect someone and ignore their humanity and hurt them like that. Whatever he feels for you isn't love anymore. It may be an unhealthy addictive bond like you have for him, or it might be pure resentment.

What you need now, as somebody has suggested, is celibacy. You need to detox from abusive and exploitative men so you could think clearly. What you will need to do is pack your things and leave Will and let him know you need some space. I don't think you'll find it in you to break up with him immediately, so I think this might give you the illusion of not leaving permanently that you need to remove yourself from the situation immediately. Effective asap. As soon as you can find a place to stay, move. Let him know about your decision, let him know you think your relationship is unhealthy and need some space away from him to process your thoughts and feelings. Then find a friend and make a promise to yourself to call that friend whenever you feel the slightest urge to text or call Will. Go to therapy and work on yourself in the meantime, go through a grieving process. Only after this will you be able to look at the situation realistically. If you feel ready to break up at some point in this process, do it. If you want to get back together, call the friend. Just don't do it. Think of it like this, as long as you have a strong, overwhelming, passionate urge, as long as you feel it'd be the only thing pulling you from the brink of depression, you're using him to bury other issues that you have and need to resolve before you can be a good partner. As soon as you stop feeling that way, I think you'll realize how awful he was to you and won't want him back. But if you happen to feel calm and rational and like you don't need him, but want him, that's another thing. I'm just highly skeptical.

Another thing worth thinking about is why isn't Will already in a serious committed relationship at 31 or looking to get into one, instead of "taking it slow" with a woman he has so many issues with? It's very likely that he can't score a serious self-respecting woman who's looking for commitment, or he'd move on from such a toxic relationship by now himself. If he can find another woman, there's something seriously wrong with him for wasting time of both of you and hurting both of you, when he's not working at all on making this work.

You mentioned that you come from a good family. You should visit your family and tell them everything. All of it. I know it's awful and embarrassing for you, but if you have a good family sharing these sorts of mistakes with them will help them know where you are in life and make them want to discourage you from making the same mistakes in the future. It's never bad to seek wisdom of your parents if you have a good relationship with them. Had you done that earlier, I'm sure they would've pointed out all of the red flags, especially when it comes to Peter. If you can take a vacation, some family time might do you some good in general, to remove yourself from the current environment. I don't know, it often helps bring out a fresh perspective from within yourself. Maybe you should even consider moving back in if you can, especially if you're insecure about finances without Will. I know a lot of independence is lost when living with parents, but you have shown that you might need some more guidance, and you can show love and appreciation by helping them out around the house and helping with their finances as well.

But seriously, break it off, reconsider, and go to therapy. You need it.

Nessunolosa · 2018-08-16T11:38:30+00:00

You should not have spent this long in these situations in the first place. You have a chance to cut it out, and do it now.

mydogwillbeinmyheart · 2018-08-20T04:48:19+00:00

I think your relationship with Will is already poisoned. I would just drop it, spend time bettering yourself both physically, intellectually, and especially for you, as a human being.

Peter is not the one posting so I cannot give him my not so kind two cents. He's shit, manipulative and a player. I feel sorry for his wife.

You seem to be quite interested in looks when it comes to men. I'm not going to chastise you for it. We all have our preferences, but try to focus more on personality and inner beauty too..as cheesy as it sounds.

As I always say, I'm not expert, but I think when men really care about a woman as a girlfriend, potential wife, etc., commitment comes naturally from them.

At least that's what I've noticed. When men think they have found a special lady, a good deal, a valuable human being, they treasure and cherish her, they become protective, they do nice things for her. It is not something forced or imposed.

Think about that last part and be honest with yourself.

RozaHathaway · 2018-08-18T13:03:50+00:00

Go with your gut instinct on this situation. Think of it this way..the longer you wait around for will to decide if he wants marriage and kids with you (which doesn't sound like, because he's holding a grudge about pete), the older you will get which makes it more difficult to find someone. Trust me. I waited 10 years on a man and finally left. If you want marriage and kids, leave the toxic relationship, take time to heal and love yourself. Then find yourself a great guy who wouldn't hesitate to be with you regardless of past mistakes.

aussiedollface2 · 2018-08-19T22:40:26+00:00

Didn’t you already post about this? Stop associating with this group of people, your reputation is irreparable with them and this man will never commit to you. Please distance yourself and work on your own development and self esteem xo

RatedRDisney · 2018-08-21T18:15:03+00:00

You say you were "younger" then but didn't you just leave that affair about a year ago? You started the affair at age 19, it lasted 2 years making you 21 when you left it. 2 months go by and you start dating Will and now are 22. You aren't younger, this is still fresh. You need time to detox from your last relationship and get yourself together again. There are so many red flags here from all sides. Legitimately is this trolling?

RatedRDisney · 2018-08-21T18:27:29+00:00

I have no doubts that you are different now. My point is that you didn't heal and get yourself together again. I'm glad you cut it off with Will, I think it will help you. Best of luck to you!

Title	Bf wants to take things "slow and casual"
Author	absolve_me
Upvotes	0
Comments	41
Date	August 15, 2018 8:22 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/97low9/bf_wants_to_take_things_slow_and_casual/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/bf-wants-to-take-things-slow-and-casual.67543 https://theredarchive.com/post/67543