I had initially submitted this as a comment on this post about an article in The Week: The Myth of the Male Bumbler. The responses to my comment have prompted me to share my thoughts as a post.

The Myth of the Male Bumbler in Everyday Life - An Example

The topic of the article in The Week was prominent "bumblers" in politics and the entertainment industry. Men in positions of power who manipulate and harass, or who enable other manipulators and harrassers, but claim to have no foresight about the outcomes of their actions. Things happen to them, not because of them. The article focuses on a few well-known names, but I suspect many men in everyday life make use of the “bumbler” ruse to manipulate their relationships with women in a variety of ways.

For example, I’ve spent quite a lot of time thinking about the manipulative behavior of “sensitive” men, the so called “nice guys,” who easily befriend women. Men who will lead women on, emotionally cheat on their partners in doing so, and get away with both by playing dumb.

Reading The Myth of the Male Bumbler prompted me to organize my thoughts as follows.

First, a Caveat Regarding Male-Female Friendships

Please note that I will not be claiming here that men and women cannot be friends. I do believe that it is possible for a man to have truly a platonic friendship with a woman, so long as he is not interested in getting sexual gratification or ego validation from her.

My intention here is to bring forth more discussion on emotional infidelity and attempts by men to use and manipulate women without consequence by claiming they "didn't do anything." I want other women to know that it is understandable and justified for them to be uncomfortable with their partners' poor boundaries and innappropriate friendships with other women.

It is also my hope that more women will become knowledgeable about emotional infidelity and will therefore be less likely to be blindsided by it, should it ever occur in a relationship with a seemingly "nice guy." I want these women to feel empowered to hold their partners accountable. And ideally I also want other women, the "friends," to avoid being used by these men.

Defining Emotional Infidelity

I personally define emotional infidelity broadly as the diverting of energy and effort from the current partner to another potential romantic interest. Types of energy and effort that can be diverted away from the partner include emotional support, acts of service, and libido.

My realizations surrounding emotional infidelity came about largely thanks to the book Not 'Just Friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass, which focuses not solely on the traditionally physical sex-based thresholds for infidelity, but on a so-called "new infidelity" that includes secret emotional intimacy.

Some notable definitions from the book:

"Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust."

"When secrecy and lies become methods of furthering the relationship, it has become an emotional affair."

The Nice Guy and His New Female Friend

This type of man loves to be the “good listener” to a female friend or coworker. And while he doesn’t deny having a significant other initially (it’s good for establishing himself as friend material), he purposefully avoids bringing her up in future conversations as his infatuation deepens. He builds emotional intimacy with the other woman and uses it to stroke his ego and fuel his fantasies. But he purposefully stops short of physically engaging the other women or stating his romantic interest because he needs to maintain his plausible deniability.

If the emotional intimacy builds enough, sometimes the other woman will develop and confess romantic feelings. He can then string her along further:

“Oh oops! I have a wife, remember? So I can’t be with you. But you're great, really, so we should still be friends!”

And voila, he’s got both his long term partner to provide stability and his “friend” to provide the excitement and other perks that accompany “new relationship energy” (NRE).

The Appeal of New Relationship Energy

The main appeal of NRE is often sexual gratification through the pursuit of novelty. Sure, he can’t fuck the friend, but he can think about fucking her. If the particular guy is a porn addict and/or compulsive masturbator, that might even be preferable to him. If she has so much as a single bikini photo on social media, then he is good to go. It would not surprise me if there is a strong link between using porn and using female friends for sexual gratification.

Another big part of NRE is ego validation. Wife is nagging him for being a lazy shit around the house? Forever girlfriend is getting fed up with his excuses for not proposing? Well nevermind all of that - new friend tells him he's the best because he listened to her complain about her roommate for 30 minutes. Easy ego boost. He can also turn to her to vent about his partner's complaints, framing them in such a way as to get validation from another woman that his partner is just being a bitch. The friend is of course more inclined to believe his excuses and justifications because she hasn't been the one living with him and experiencing the reality of his behaviors for years.

Signs that a Nice Guy is Emotionally Cheating

You probably won't catch these nice guys making standard cheater moves like begging the other woman for nudes. At least not at first. They think they are better than those guys, the "real cheaters."

The sort of emotional infidelity described above is, by design, difficult to detect. But women can, and do, pick up on the subtle behavioral changes in their partners that lead them to "gut feelings" or "instincts" about the situation.

Here's a non-exhaustive list of signs that have led women to these "gut feelings":

  • He refers to a woman you assumed was only an acquaintaince as a "good friend," or otherwise indicates a level of closeness with her that surprises you - it's surprising because he's been reflexively hiding the extent of his contact with her.

  • He acts increasingly distant and is not able to explain why - attempts at explanations may include vague statements about feeling like a "bad partner" or "guilty," feeling "unsure" or "concerned" about the relationship, or possibly "needing space."

  • He shows a decreased interest in sex, often coinciding with increased evidence of masturbation (e.g. long bouts in the bathroom). When sex does occur, he may seem more detached or distracted.

  • Suspicious social media patterns - men will say a "like" means nothing, but if he's liking 30-40% of his other friends posts but 90-100% of a particular woman's posts, then he's paying her special attention. Same if he comments on her posts more than others.

  • Other examples of special treatment - if he's doing things for her that he doesn't do for his other friends. Even worse if he's doing things for her while not doing them for you (e.g. emotional support).

"But I didn't do anything!" - The Nice Guy Bumbler Ruse in Action

When a man does get caught and called out on an inappropriate friendship, he falls back on the traditional male definition of cheating i.e. sex. No sex = just friends.

Regardless of how you start the conservation, he will first claim to not understand why you are upset or what the big deal is. Depending on what you know, he will move on to other excuses from there. She just needed a friend. He just needed a friend. It would be rude to ignore her. If the other woman has confessed feelings for him, he plays dumb about how that happened. He blames her for misinterpreting their interactions. He was just being nice. He trickle-truths you about the frequency of their contact. He claims he only hid things from you so you wouldn't "overreact." He pretends that he doesn’t understand the concept of emotional infidelity.

But he does understand. He knows he was paying special attention to the other woman because her attention in return gave him dick tingles. He feels entitled to those dick tingles and to using the other woman in the same way he uses porn. And he feels entitled to having a woman who will tell him what a great guy he is at all times. That entitlement justifies his infidelity in his mind.

And in the end, he's banking on you not having enough evidence to call bullshit on his "just friends" excuse.

Examples of Nice Guy Bumblers on Reddit's Relationship Subs

I have seen quite a few examples of situations like this described on other relationship subs. Usually it’s in the form of the girlfriend/wife asking, “Am I overreacting?” The effectiveness of the Nice Guy Bumbler routine is obvious in these posts. Regardless of the evidence the woman has, she questions whether his behavior is a problem. Most of the time she has already tried to talk to him about her concerns, and he has played the "just friends" card, accused her of being paranoid, blamed her for snooping, and so on. But the "gut feeling" remains, so she has turned to Reddit as she tries to address her self doubt.

I have also seen a few instances of a man admitting his feelings for a female coworker, friend, or teammate and asking for advice. Usually the man has been emotionally cheating for awhile and is asking “Should I leave my wife?" because he is ready to replace his wife with the friend and wants the ok to consummate the new relationship. Though I have once or twice seen a man asking for help getting over the friend that he has somehow become intensely infatuated and emotionally connected with.

What I have yet to see is a man taking full responsibility for his poor boundaries with the other woman. Even on Reddit they don't want to admit that they have been using the other woman for those "new relationship energy" feels. At best they hint at it and then deflect by stating that their relationship "hasn't been great lately." Again, they feel entitled to the ego- and dick-stroking fuel they get from the friend, especially if they think their partner has not been stroking enough.

Emotional Cheating in the Age of Technology and "Cool Girls"

Dr. Glass notes the role of technology in the rise of this "new infidelity." It is now possible to carry out emotional affairs entirely online. I think smartphones in particular have made emotional cheating a lot easier. I suspect these inappropriate friendships are even more common than we think, but they are not often discovered because of how sneaky and careful the behaviors can be. These friendships are designed to look platonic on the surface and hold up against casual scrutiny.

Plus, the pressure of today's "cool girl" and “no snooping” culture probably deters women from following up on the gut feelings they may have. Cool girls trust their partners and have no problem with female friends, end of story. So if a woman says, "I am concerned about my partner's relationship with another woman," then the initial reaction of many is to call her insecure, paranoid, controlling. So many women hesitate to bring it up at all.

It seems some women do try the "JusT TaLK tO HiM" approach, but they are met with defensiveness and denial. The men refuse to acknowledge their concerns and refuse stop communicating with the other woman because it would be "rude" or because they "are allowed to have friends." So it is unsurprising to me that these women are left feeling betrayed but struggling to fully articulate or prove why.


Ladies of FDS, what are your thoughts on emotional cheating and boundary crossing by Nice Guy Bumblers? Have you experienced it? How did you deal with it?
How do we strike a balance in extending trust to a long term partner without leaving ourselves vulnerable to being blindsided by emotional infidelity?

Finally, I recommend Dr. Glass's Not 'Just Friends' to anyone working through their own concepts of boundaries and fidelity, particularly if you have struggled with or questioned feelings of betrayal within a relationship.