I'd be interested in seeing book reviews coming through from people who find value in them. No book will be perfect. We've even got non-Christian books on the sidebar, such as MMSLP, which talks about the proper way to watch porn with your wife. As always, understand that you've got to sift the good from the bad. But every now and then a book has enough good that it's worth overcoming its weaknesses - whether those are in the form of non-Christian world-views or blue pill ideologies mixed into otherwise highly useful content.

Gary Thomas's book When to Walk Away is one such book. I don't endorse the author as a whole. While I've known his name for some time (famous for Sacred Marriage, which I assume is blue pill), this is the only book of his I've actually read. So, let's dive in.


Read: January, 2021 Rating: 7.5/10

Summary: The driving theme of the book is that you shouldn't let your mission be distracted by toxic people - whether those are friends, family members, co-workers, or even your spouse. He makes a few blue pill statements about marriage as a whole, and also has a generally unbiblical view about how freely he encourages divorce from a "toxic" spouse, and some of his examples call into question whether he was accurately understanding both sides of the story (or that could just be skepticism due to my profession and what I really know goes on behind the scenes). But the drive to make disciples above all else is admirable.

Conclusion: This book is a must-read for anyone interested in engaging in online ministry in any capacity or taking on a ministry leadership position - whether by starting your own ministry or doing so within the context of an existing congregation or other entity. I hope and pray you all do have that ambition, though. It's also useful if you have legitimately toxic people in your life. Also useful for anyone involved in family law at all. For anyone else, skip it.


All italics in the original. Bolding is mine for significant quotes.

CHAPTER 1: A Most Clever Attack - If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has called you to do, for you that person is toxic.

  • One of the cleverest attacks against God's church today centers around our guilt in dealing with toxic people. Satan knows he can't stop God's people from loving and caring, because God's Spirit makes us love and care. What he can do, however, is urge us to pour most of our God-breathed love, intention, and goodwill on people who actually resent it and who will never respond to grace.

  • One caveat before we begin. Some use the label toxic much too broadly as an excuse to avoid difficult, different, or hurting people. Let's not do that.

CHAPTER 2: Walkaway Jesus - Jesus walked away or let others walk away ... a lot.

  • I reread the gospels and counted every occurrence where Jesus deliberately parted ways with others ... I counted forty-one such instances in all four gospels. Forty-one!

  • One thing we don't see when others walk away is Jesus giving chase. As powerful as Jesus was, as brilliant as Jesus was, as pure as Jesus was, and as surrendered to God as Jesus was, not everyone he interacted with 'changed,' repented, or agreed with him.

  • Not just one, but many walked away. And not just casual onlookers; they're called his 'disciples.' Instead of chasing them down and begging them not to misunderstand him and to please come back, Jesus turns to the reliable people, the Twelve, and says, 'So, what about you?' Notice the confidence that gives authority to his message. Jesus never appears desperate, manipulative, or controlling, as if when people didn't agree with him his feeligns would be hurt. He is mission focused and others-centered to his deepest core.

  • Many plastic bracelets have been sold with the words 'What Would Jesus Do?' If you're dealing with toxic people, you may want to get a bracelet that reads, 'What Would Jesus Not Do?' The answer is, 'He wouldn't chase after them.'

  • [Jesus] never allowed the desire of others to dictate who he spent his time with.

  • Don't think that letting yourself be abused is always the holy choice.

CHAPTER 3: A Murderous Spirit - Three common elements of toxic opposition ... a murderous spirit, a controlling nature, and a heart that loves hate.

  • They murder relationships, turning people against each other. They murder churches, turning meeting times into gigantic fights instead of worship and service. They murder workplaces, destroying productivity. They murder reputations.

  • I've seen many people claim to do God's work while seeming to use Satan's methods.

CHAPTER 4: Control Mongers - As powerful as God is and as sovereign as God is, he is never controlling.

CHAPTER 5: Loving Hate - Some people just seem to love hating others.

  • If you tell a toxic bos, "What you just said hurt me deeply," that's like telling a rhinoceros he has bad breath. He doesn't care. It doesn't even register. If you say, "What you're doing is shameful," you're confusing them with a person who is capable of feeling shame.

  • "Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. Those people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don't like, what they stand against, and what they will not do."

  • The challenge is that those who have most fallen into pride, envy, ambition, and hatred are the least likely people to see it in themselves. We recognize adultery, drunkenness, and murder, but there's something about these attitudinal sins that blind us spiritually."

  • Toxic people enjoy the stink. They stop recognizing it as stink. To them, their smell is delicious. They like it. They love it. They want some more of it.

CHAPTER 6: No Time To Waste - If you are in Christ, you aren't just saved; you are enlisted. You have been called into a tremendously important work - an urgent work - and there's no time to lose.

  • Too many people think our salvation is about us - personal peace, assurance, happiness, and security. One of the greatest needs in the church today is more workers. Not just believers. Not just church attenders. Not even tithers. It is workers, those who believe that to be saved isn't to wait for heaven but to get busy bringing heaven's presence and authority to this present earth as ambassadors for Christ.

  • It's not about protecting yourself from toxic people (though that's a valid aim); it's more about protecting your mission from toxic attacks.

  • This world may not reward your mission before God; it will more likely oppose it ... The more important the work, the more you can expect attacks. Thus, to complete your work, you have to learn how to recognize, disarm, or step aside from such attacks.

  • I have had to come to grips with the fact that people have lied and will lie about me; they will rip a few sentences out of context, twist a few passages, and make me sound like I believe something I don't because they need something to be angry about and oppose. And they'll post it all on an Amazon review or in a blog. It has taken me too long to learn that it's often best to simply not respond ... I don't want to be distracted even to defend myself. Why? God's Kingdom is more important than mine. [RC Note: If we are within God's Kingdom for eternity, it IS our Kingdom too.]

  • Our mission is not to seek out and defeat toxic people ... our job is to ignore them so we don't get distracted from our mission.

CHAPTER 7: Reliable People - We should be looking for people to invest in. If I'm already living a full schedule because there are reliable people and kingdom-minded work filling up my calendar, it is much easier to say no to someone who just wants to take up time and be noticed in a toxic sort of way.

  • This priority to put our first and best effort into reliable people is a biblical call, not a personal preference ... We want to be generous to all, but focused on a few, as Jesus was.

  • Notice that Jesus didn't always walk away at the first sign of resistance. He figured out why a person was resisting and responded accordingly. If the reason wasn't toxic, Jesus often walked toward someone rather than away.

CHAPTER 8: Pigs and Pearls - The clearing of the temple is actually the scene that all but confirms Jesus' gentleness in this sense: the reason this incident struck a nerve is that it seemed so unlike Jesus' normal mode of operating ... this is one of the few acts of Jesus recorded in all four gospels ... Virtues like gentleness aren't always absolutes.

  • If you're like me, preferring to be gentle most of the time, this may be a painful chapter for you. I'd much prefer to write a book about how we should love everyone extravagantly, sacrificially, and enthusiastically ... But this kind of book isn't written very often.

  • Jesus is essentially saying that a spiritually dead person is as insensitive to the glory of God's truth as a big is to the value of a pearl ... When this is the condition of a person's heart, only a direct act of God can melt such a soul - not you.

  • It's not the fruit's fault. You can take the most fertile seed known to humankind, pour it out on I-10 all the way from Florida to California, and nothing is going to happen. It's not that there's something wrong with the seed; there's something wrong with the surface that won't receive it.

CHAPTER 9: Love Tells the Truth - Jesus and Paul obviously didn't believe that dismissing someone's evil and sin as "well-intentioned but misguided" is always the right path. They called people out on their toxicity ... there's a difference between labeling and name-calling.

  • Name-calling is about hurting, demeaning, and using words as a weapon. Labeling is about understanding. It's helpful for Tim to know his wife is selfish and manipulative because what works for a "healthy" wife may not work for his wife.

  • I can't control a toxic person. I can't change a toxic person. I can't understand a toxic person. But I can guard my mission and maintain my character.

  • A caveat here: we should be wary of labeling someone too quickly.

CHAPTER 10: A Man With A Mission - If only Satan were lazy ... Keep in mind, merely distracting you is a win for them. If they can't ultimately defeat your work, they at least want to delay your work. Our job, based on Matthew 6:33 and 2 Timothy 2:2, requires us to maintain a laser-sharp focus with wisdom, discernment, and determination.

  • Mission-minded people don't have time for sentimental foolishness. Nehemiah saw through the facade to these men's real intentions and refused the meeting. Here's why: "But they were scheming to harm me; so I sent messengers to them with this reply: 'I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?' Four times they sent me the same message, and each time I gave them the same answer."

  • When a toxic person doesn't get his or her way, their next gambit is often to make your motives sound sinister.

  • Here's the blatant trap you need to be wary of. Some people will want to waste your time and drain you by using a false sense of neediness. When that stops working, they don't give up. If they can't make you sympathize, they'll seek to make you defensive. They'll attack so you'll want to defend yourself. What's really going on is that they just want your attention. They want to keep controlling a slice of your time, effort, and energy. Whether you sympathize with them or are angry with them doesn't matter as much as the fact that you notice them and spend time interacting with them.

  • One of the best defenses against toxic attacks, then, is seeking what John Climacus called true meekness, "a permanent condition of that soul which remains unaffected by whether or not it is spoken well of, whether or not it is honored or praised."

  • The best way to confound toxic people is to ignore them while you complete the work they want to stop.

  • The best thing you can do to witness to a toxic person is stay focused on your task, refuse to be distracted or play their games, pray instead of gossip, and then get the work done. Find the reliable people God has called you to invest in ... Then they will see that God is God, and they are not.

CHAPTER 11: Looking Like Jesus When Working With Judas - Three key strategies, based on Jesus' interaction with Judas, for how we can live with or work alongside toxic people without going crazy for ourselves:

  • Jesus Didn't View His Mission as Stopping Toxic People from Sinning - Maybe it seems more obvious to you, but it was startling to me when I realized Jesus knew Judas was a thief and never chose to stop him.

  • Jesus Didn't Let Judas's Toxicity Become His ... Just as astonishing to me is what happened during the act of betrayal. When Judas walks up to Jesus to hand him over to the soldiers, Jesus looks and Judas and says, "Do what you came for, friend" (Matthew 26:50). Friend? How about skunk? How about snake? Jesus said "friend" because Jesus didn't have a toxic molecule in his body.

  • Jesus Spoke Truth to Crazy ... In fact, he warned Judas at the Last Supper that if he were to go through with his plans, things wouldn't end well for him: "Woe to the man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born" (Mark 14:21).

CHAPTER 12: Learning How to be Hated - Jesus was reviled, executed as a criminal, seen as a threat, and held in utter contempt - and we demand to be praised? Paul said the early apostles were cursed and called "the scum of the earth" (1 Cor. 4:13), and yet we are sent into a tailspin if a lonely person with thirty Twitter followers attacks us?

  • The seventh-century writer John Climacus writes of three stages through which we must pass as we learn to handle toxic behavior: "The first stage of blessed patience is to accept dishonor with bitterness and anguish of soul ... The intermediate stage is to be free from pain amid all such things" ... Climacus goes on to describe stage three, which he calls "the perfect stage, if that is attainable," which he characterizes as being able "to think of dishonor as praise."

  • Climacus summarizes all this with, "Let the first ... rejoice and the second be strong, but blessed be the third, for he exults in the Lord."

CHAPTER 13: Scripture's Skeleton - Educating an evil person without regard to evil doesn't remove the evil; it simply makes him or her more equipped to spread their evil.

  • Scripture has a helpful skeleton ...: creation, fall, and redemption.

  • Every war is caused by evil, but not every war is evil. Every divorce is caused by sin, but not every divorce is sinful. Sin is behind every act of a child being removed from its parents, but it is not always sinful to remove a child from abusive parents ... We hurt the people being hurt if we can't call evil evil or toxicity toxic.

  • Looking back, while I'm grateful we talked so much to our children about Jesus, I wish we had talked a little more about the reality of evil. Evil is an uncomfortable subject, but if we don't talk about it, evil is free to wage war against us under the cover of darkness.

CHAPTER 14: A New Allegiance - When Jesus was out ministering, he didn't allow family drama to distract him. On one occasion, he is interrupted by a family visit and seems almost harsh in his indifference. It's not that Jesus is apathetic toward his family; it's that he is passionate about his mission.

CHAPTER 15: The Most Vicious Attack - Toxic people are masters at lecturing Christians over how they are "supposed" to behave. Even though they may have never acted like a Christian themselves, they love to hold Christians to the way they assume Christians are supposed to act.

  • Toxic people are usually much better at being toxic than we are at dealing with them. They've been toxic most of their lives, are familiar with manipulating others, and enjoy conflict like a dog enjoys rolling on top of a dead squirrel.

  • Think about it this way. Would you as a healthy believer ever tell someone they're not a Christian or acting like a Christian in a cavalier manner? You know that's a serious charge. Learn to see through the ruse: they don't want you to act like a Christian as much as they want you to do what they want you to do - and they're using Jesus as a weapon to wound you. He is not a Lord they follow and revere. Anyone who tries to use Jesus as a weapon instead of as Savior proves they don't know the first thing about following Jesus.

CHAPTER 16: Toxic Parents - Evil doesn't always come sporting a goatee and carrying a pitchfork. It doesn't always present itself with malice. It can use words of love, faith, proper authority, and even Scripture. But evil always destroys. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but eventually it takes its toll.

  • I've seen several young women from dysfunctional homes fall into a common spiritual trap. In spite of the negative imprinting of their childhood homes, they end up making a very wise choice for marriage ... Then the common temptation follows. It a clever spiritual distraction. The woman has escaped a dysfunctional family and is now settled in a functional one. It won't be too long (mere months) until she thinks she is supposed to return to the dysfunctional family and try to fix it.

  • Trying to fix an unfixable relationship is doomed to failure and simply robs them of the time they need to grow their functional family.

CHAPTER 17: Toxic Marriages - There is a crucial difference between a difficult marriage and a toxic marriage. A difficult marriage consists of two sinners growing out of their selfishness, spiritual immaturity, and pride to learn how to become more like Christ.

  • A difficult but not toxic marriage can also exist with a non-believer. I've talked to women who have grown in their faith and love for God, even though their spouses have never been followers of Jesus. Such relationships always have a measure of disappointment, but that disappointment falls well short of toxicity.

  • A number of men are married to women who are selfish. Some of these guys have to double down on worshiping God because they receive so little from their wives. This is very discouraging, but it's not toxic.

  • A toxic marriage isn't just frustrating; it's also destructive. It's marked by unrepentant, controlling behavior from which the spouse refuses to repent.

  • When divorce is used as a self-indulgent weapon ... you learn to hate such selfish foolishness. By contrast, in the face of unrepentant and unrelenting evil, divorce can be an effective tool rather than a weapon.

  • Jesus once said, "No one who has left home or wife or brothers or sisters or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age, and in the age to come eternal life" (Luke 18:29-30). Did you get the part where Jesus explicitly says some will be forced to forsake even their spouse in service to him?

  • [Toxic spouses] love the word reconcile because they know it's a loaded theological term and it tugs at the heartstrings of any sincere believer, but when you press below the surface, you soon find out they hate the practice of being reconciled to God and his ways. If you don't understand spiritual depravity, you'll of course want to "rescue" the marriage.

  • "God doesn't care about shells; he cares about the people in the shells." Mike was referring to churches [RC Note: The author goes on to inappropriately apply this concept to marriages, but I thought the statement in its proper context was valuable all the same.]

  • With sincere and mission-minded hearts, some spouses married to toxic people have fallen into responding in self-toxic ways. They have sacrificed themselves, blamed themselves, and exhausted themselves as they tried to cure a loved one's toxicity. The only thing this has accomplished (unwittingly) is to keep the toxic person from recognizing his or her toxicity. Sometimes the most loving thing a spouse can do is to walk away, as Jesus did, and let the toxic person face, perhaps for the very first time, the consequences of their toxic actions. Walking away doesn't mean you'll never walk back. It just means you won't participate in toxic activity going forward. Don't tie yourself in knots trying to figure out whether this should be a permanent walking away or a strategic walking away. That can be decided later.

CHAPTER 18: Leaving the Toxicity Instead of the Marriage - [This entire chapter is a long field report on a couple who were mutually toxic and how the man improving himself caused his wife to follow shortly behind.]

  • [Darin:] "I stopped looking to her for things that I needed to look to God for."

  • [Lesli:] "I bought into the lie ... that because Darin has a strong, masculine personality he must be the manipulator and I must be the victim. God showed me that it was really more the other way around. By withholding affection, respect, and communication, I often played the role of the manipulator."

CHAPTER 19: Toxic Children - When you stop fighting your adult kids' battles, you start enjoying your kids a whole lot more ... Instead of constantly strategizing about how to change them, you listen to them and relate to them. Do you ever stop praying and hoping? Of course not. How could you? But you also remember that this is their battle.

  • Whenever you have a difficult child, the natural temptation is to pour most of your energy into saving that child as you (perhaps unwittingly) spend less time and thought on the reliable ones. This is the exact opposite of the biblical model we've been discussing in this book: Don't throw away your time on toxic people; invest that time in reliable people. [RC Note: he earlier states that he's giving advice for managing adult children, not young ones. The context is a story of a man dealing with his three grown children.]

  • If you have a reliable child who is qualified to teach others, one of the greatest gifts you can give to the church is to invest deeply in that child's mind and soul and imbue them with earnest passion to seek first the kingdom of God. Don't make the reliable children pay for the unreliability of their sibling(s).

  • It's difficult for a pastor to break the sad news that loving Jesus with all your heart, raising your children in a solid church, and taking time at home to instill the basics of the faith don't guarantee any particular outcome. We're not programming computers; we're raising young women and men made in the image of God, and that image includes the ability to make choices.

  • Thinking that we can be such good parents that our children will never stray is to think we can outdo the Trinity. You cannot as a parent create a perfect Eden experience for your kids, but even if you did, they'd mess it up.

  • Jesus, by the way, is also our hope ... Our children's salvation never depended on us - most of us know that. Here's the refuge for brokenhearted parents: their return doesn't depend on us either.

CHAPTER 20: Trading Toxic for Tender - Franciscan priest Richard Rohr writes, "I am most quoted for this line: 'If you do not transform your pain, you will always transmit it.' Always someone else has to suffer because I don't know how to suffer; that is what it comes down to."

  • The only person we are called to control is ourselves. Self-control is a biblical command and a fruit of the Spirit. Trying to control others, as we've seen, is a murderous strategy from Satan.

  • God's love and affirmation lift us to a dimension of living where fighting each other doesn't make sense. When I feel spoiled by God, what you do to me or think about me doesn't matter all that much, because God's opinion is superior to yours." [RC Note: A little AM there.]

  • What should scare all of us believers a little bit is that when we listen to Jesus, he seemed to show the most compassion toward sexual sinners and more judgment toward mean people.

CHAPTER 21: Don't Be Toxic To Yourself - Anything you wouldn't say to someone else, stop saying to yourself.

  • What would God want you to say to you?