I have always been the withdrawn type, but as I grew older (now 26) it's gotten more pronounced. I don't like to be this super active woman out there, you know the type, engaged in all sorts of classes and all that jazz. I feel very comfortable and happy in my micro-universe which consists of my immediate family, my church and my home. I like to be a bit mysterious, not easily penetrated by this world's curiosities or ideologies.
When it comes to a relationship, well...I don't know anymore. I don't know if I should be reading others' opinions on the Internet because it depresses the hell out of me. I want this beautiful traditional setting where the man provides for us all and I do my best to keep everything together, like educating the children (I want four by the way), cooking from scratch, taking good care of myself and keeping my husband happy. I do hold a degree, I was very successful in school, I loved studying, but... I feel this strong inner call to be a housewife and be tied to my house and my inner world. It seems that people frown on this setting nowadays. The majority wants it to be 50/50 in a relationship and go against traditional views and makes me wonder if I am dreaming something that does not exist. Which makes me cry.
If I wanted to, I could go out there and build myself a successful career, but I feel I would automatically have to borrow some masculine traits, such as competitiveness, aggression, little to no emotion... I know this is the case, because this is how I used to play the game when I was studying for my degree. I always wanted to be the best and I had to be tough, strong, bold, stand out, a bit masculine... Which I absolutely do not want. I don't want any masculine energy in me. I want be a woman, feminine, a bit hidden and protected from the brutal outside world, wanting to be validated only from a very masculine man. I don't need to prove anything to the outside world. I want to be fragile and feel his strong arms around me. I want this explosive and unique dynamic between masculine and feminin.
It's been 5 years now on my own and I am beginning to worry that I'll not find a man interested in my way of living life. It depresses me and makes me think that the only other way of me living my dream is becoming a nun. However, I do want children and a man to love deeply.
Sorry if this transformed itself into a vent. It has been bugging me for a while and it feels good to let it out.
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