Like getting a glimpse of a video game’s final boss before your own destruction, unless you’re a real stud, you never get much experience having threesomes. Those who romanticize it have either never done it, or done it so many times that listening to them in the first place would be like taking financial advice from a trust fund kid. It’s nice to be rich.

But outside of a resume piece that only comes up in the screening interviews you have with new women you’re trying to fuck, who’ll assume you’re lying anyway, or a sexual bucket list that you only understand as meaningless once it’s all checked off, threesomes are mostly silly.

This is the reality that every internet guru, selling you thousands of dollars of bullshit and filming those ridiculous looking three-way kisses at foam parties in Cancun, will gladly lie about.

Her name was Candace. We met her on Craigslist. I wrote the ad for my girlfriend to post- I had her screen the replies, and she’d have the decent ones text me. We had a good cop/bad cop dynamic- she was friendly with these women, I was demanding.

Candace had a boyfriend but he was too nice– he lacked grit. She liked that I was in my thirties dating a nineteen year old. This is what women say they hate, and maybe they do on some level, but they’re lying if they say they don’t find it intriguing. After all, what kind of thirty-four year old asshole is dating a teenager? The kind they want to fuck.

As much as the girlfriend tells you that she’s okay with everything, seducing another girl in front of her is going to feel strange. Don’t forget to take mental pictures because this will be the best part of the evening. You watch them make out, and you feel accomplished- I created this, and it is good– but anything after is an awkward mesh of bodies. I defy anyone to find a good way to do this- a queen sized bed isn’t meant to contain this level of idiocy.

I came on her face thinking about how fucking awful it all was- sending her home to her boyfriend after she met some dipshit on Craigslist. The hot shower she’d have to take before getting in bed with him and acting like it was ladies’ night at Barnes and Noble– just coffee and chitchat with the girls, that’s all. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted her to be masturbating in the shower or crying- but one of the two seemed inevitable, maybe both.

And when she finally leaves to take that shower, you feel a tinge of existential horror. You take a beat to wonder why you did it in the first place- what were you looking to get out of fucking a stranger in front of your girlfriend? Threesome is a misnomer- it isn’t chaotic like Final Fight, it’s slower and turn-based like Final Fantasy. Did you really just do it to say you did it? This thought haunts you.

[Excerpt from: DATING AND REALITY]

Lesson: Everyone is full of shit, and unless you've been there, you're not gonna know. Don't let PUA nonsense distract you- bragging rights and big fish stories, all of it.

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