Make friends by being the initiator

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February 18, 2021
753 upvotes

Wouldn't you love it if some friendly, confident guy invited you to do something fun like a gymnastic rings workout in the park?

We all would.

Why not become that guy? You get more of the social benefits if you become the initiator.

Here's how I did it...

First spend a little bit of time levelling up your social skills

Social SKILLS can be levelled up just like how we used to level up skills in a video game. What's your social skill level? Probably pretty low right now, don't worry we're going to powerlevel it.

Start by reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. There's a reason why so many people recommend this book.

The principles will seem like common sense, stuff that you already know like smiling, using someone's name and taking an interest in the other person however some of us rarely use these principles in our day to day lives.

Read the book and you'll be upping the intention you're putting into your social skills, fantastic.

Have fun stuff planned that you're going to do with or without anyone else

This is the next step where I've found most people refuse to take action. You have to be the one doing the fun stuff with or without anyone else.

This means this strategy of making friends requires more effort from you than just hoping daddy invites you to some social event. You are the one providing value to others. That's harder but again, the rewards are so much sweeter.

B-b-b-b-but there's nothing fun we can do in the COVID lockdown! All we can do is stay inside and play video games all day

There's lots of fun stuff you can organise whilst still following lockdown rules and staying safe. Start going on a weekly run or cycle or do outdoor workouts (I highly recommend looking up gymnastic rings). I really like this idea because any guy who's down to hit a workout automatically has a lot in common with me. They're usually into self improvement, care about nutrition and learning.

This fun stuff you have planned has to specifically be something you are keen to do by yourself and if anyone else joins you, cool.

This way you have a sort of outcome independence for the next step...

Practice approaching, speaking to strangers and inviting people to your fun event

This is what I call the Old Man Vibe.

Old men don't give a fuck. They'll walk past you and say how your shirt is similar to the one they had whilst they served in the military 50 years ago. They speak to strangers as if it's completely normal... because it is normal.

Social media has made us feel like it's weird to speak to people in person. But the moment you reduce your social media use and actually step outside your house, you realise everyone's sharing pleasantries as if its normal.

So adopt this old man vibe. Start doing that fun activity by yourself outside of your house. Naturally you'll come across far more people. Get used to speaking to strangers and then anyone who seems nice, invite them to join you in the fun activity.

Watch their face light up. Seriously.

Every single time I've spoke to someone random and invited them to join me in a gymnastic rings workout it's like I've just made their entire week. To date not 1 person has said no and I have made a best friend that I now train consistently with. We often have new guys join us for a session and they always thank us for inviting them.

Most of us feel lonely but refuse to do anything about it because taking action is uncomfortable. But the discomfort of delayed gratification always pays off for your future self. Give your future self that treat by investing into your social skills and getting consistent in some out-the-house activity.


Post Information
Title Make friends by being the initiator
Author Simptopimp-co-uk
Upvotes 753
Comments 45
Date 18 February 2021 04:20 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit TheRedPill
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/741754
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/lmqg0m/make_friends_by_being_the_initiator/
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Comments

[–]JackTheRipper_17187 points188 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is such a good post! This is how we need to guide people. Unlike the toxic social media "positivity" which says if you're feeling lonely, binge watch Netflix. No! Tf! Go outside and meet people! Have something real in your life rather than virtual.

[–]KingGerbz129 points130 points  (0 children) | Copy

Social skills need more emphasis on this sub. It’s importance cannot be overstated. Your success in life will hinge on your personality, your charisma, your likability, your reputation. You could be a genius, you can master tons of technical skills, but if you’re an anti-social weirdo loser you’ll only get so far.

Follow this advice while improving your value as a man. This works best when you are actually an enjoyable person to be around. You gotta provide some value at the end of the day, make it attractive for others to join you and your endeavors.

Be the leader, reach out and recruit men to join your empire as you dominate through life enjoying every step. Everyone wants to be a part of high value social circles. You know what’s even better? Being the leader, creator and centerpiece of these high value social circles.

[–]Senior Contributoradam-l52 points53 points  (0 children) | Copy

Kudos.

One cannot stress enough how important it is to have and make friends.

Lots of the "problems" with women disappear when you have friends with whom you can have fun whatever happens.

[–]FreeRadical564 points65 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is by far the best advice I've seen here in years. It also naturally trains you in how to approach people and a plan for what to do with them... Which makes doing the same thing with girls much easier and also gives you a ton of social proof that would make you seem attractive right away.

[–]BonjourReturn20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy

Dude, your post is so on point on what happend to me this afternoon XD. I was practicing some cardistry technics and i saw a guy i did not know who was jungling. It was interessting and wanted to see it closer. We end up having a small talk on our passion and so on. It was fun as we show each other some cool stuff about our field and even exchange number to eventualy plan something.

And the randomness make that another person, who was new to the town, join us. After that, when both went to do their stuff, another guy came to chat a little and we end up showing cardist stuff to each other XD. We could even share it with two other ppl. So if i follow your advice, i could even do it more often and it is really cool :)

I save your post to keep your advice in mind !!

Btw it was like a real energy boost. Having positive ppl around you is really enjoyable. I know it sounds retarded, so be it, i have a small group of friends but we are now at different location and it was quit hard and that may be why it was so enjoyable to simply talk and share.

So i understand totaly your idea, become the guy who invite you do do fun/cool stuff.

[–]Thinkingard29 points30 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is good post. I encourage guys to even start a once-the-month group thing, even if its doing things like watching classic 80s movies, a science fiction book club, HEMA, or playing cards and shooting the shit. Gradually invite other guys and make a thing of it (PS - it should be a boys club thing, no gurls allowed). Dudes need to relearn to invite people over and make friends like how they used to as kids. When I was a kid I made a best friend because I learned we both liked the same video game. One video game and we were butt buddies for years.

I would also suggest: stop guarding your time because you need to self-improve. Life is meant to be lived, you can spare time for others.

[–]YankMcCrank4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I totally need to revisit how I view my free time, and how to get more of it, and use it more wisely.

[–]_Lemongrab12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not many wholesome posts on here. They’re helpful, but mostly not wholesome. Love this, we should all branch out.

[–]5ItsDantesWorld7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is how social circles are formed.

People, take notes.

[–]Thehopelessgardener6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

One of the best posts I've seen on this sub, thank you so much !!

[–]YaskyJr7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

Okay, so I mainly joined this sub for the self-improvement aspect, but what would you recommend for a 16 year old (Has a car, very epic) with pretty bad social anxiety. It takes a lot of will power to even speak to people, and I struggle with starting/continuing conversations. Should I just start getting out and finding stuff I like, then work from there?

[–]brngamer6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Join a club that interests you. (Covid, I know). Get out there and mix with people. You’re 16. You have so much self discovery ahead of you. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

Don’t let it be said on your tombstone that it was a shame because you never reached your full potential.

[–]2Simptopimp-co-uk[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Meditate. Your mind can be your worst enemy or your biggest supporter. Meditation reverses all forms of anxiety - it literally shrinks the size of your amygdala (where anxiety is created).

[–]DrinkSomePunch4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your situation sounds familiar to me. You just gotta start talking to people (i.e. practice makes perfect). I started working customer service jobs when I was your age and that’s where I really got comfortable just chatting. Especially when I was at a Walgreens across the street from a retirement home; like talking to old ppl, getting to know the regulars, trying to crack jokes, all that became necessary for getting thru an otherwise-boring 8 hours.

[–]macrian1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Probably, in general you have to remember "A journey of a thousand steps, starts with the first step".

I know cringy motivational BS, but it's true

[–]offtheshitproductive5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Maybe this belongs on ask TRP but what do we do when it's negative 10 out and can't do any out door activities?

[–]kuangJ5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Crazy idea. Indoor activities

[–]offtheshitproductive4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

insightful commentary. I don't know if you noticed but we're in a pandemic so most things are closed.

[–]Graphik05 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great post. About carnagie though: I’ve read HTWFAIP three times in my lifetime and wouldn’t actually recommend it because you just summarized it pretty well: interest in other person, smiling, name mentioning. That’s literally the whole book, everything else is just sotories to prove that it works.

[–]YankMcCrank3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP, great, great post, one of the best in recent. IMO, what you're missing, ( and from reading your post, I'm guessing you don't even think about it because you have 💯internalized it) is that you have to approach this with absolutely ZERO neediness. People tend to be very sus of random person with an invitation: is it a scam, a sales pitch, going to be roofied and organs stolen, etc....

One of the best places to practice this (once resumes) is solo travel, (stay at a hostel for easy mode). Everyone is traveling, looking for thing to do, and by God, you are a fun person doing fun stuff, looking for fun people to do it with! DO NOT BE CREEPY Do not be needy. You are quickly seen as a fun person who is at a center of a big network of fun people.

What I'm struggling with (as an elder TRP'r) is taking those principles home to the suburbs where every one I know is crazy busy, overworked, etc. I would love some ideas/ experiences to help.

[–]moralconsideration7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

High quality post! Making friends is key. Love the "old man" reference - so true lmfao

[–]bvda0033 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I needed this advice. I've been at home, in my room for too long. i have to start being more social (while observing covid regulations of course) so i can improve my quality of life.

[–]pyth0ns4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hey OP... Want to come play Pokémon cards with me :0

[–]filledk2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've not read the whole post, but really work on your social skills, talk with anyone, the one walking by with her/his dog, the cashier, the homeless man Down the street

Really talk to as many as u can each day

Whenever i meet someone New or go to a strangers party/house, walk in there like you own the house, throw your self down the couch, shoulders up, have a very open body language

I always make it a point to say after 5-15 minuts to say i have infantile autism (which i do) normally People says "well you are very high functioning" to which i always reply "compaired to this lot i am yea"

I've used close to a year now to learn the best way to flirt and have snappy comebacks, and i mave mastered soo much,

If you match a girl on tinder u always find something i like on her pic like a tattoo or something and say

"hey sweetie i like your tattoo on your left, too bad its not red/black/whatever"

Or: "Hey cutie, i like your green eyes, where have you bought them, cuz there is way they are your own" - sunglass- emoji

They are fun, you compliment them but not too much as that can make them feel superiour to you, and you basically day you are intrested but not too intrested so she is gonna feel the need to make her more intrested,

always say somewhere im between communitation "so you are that kind of girl" that puts her on level with other Girls and she will do everything in her power to climb that latter,

Also wait at least 10 minuts before answer back someone No matter what sometimes Even 15 minuts, that makes them a little more "desperat"

Sometimes a girl will "test you" nearly All Girls does like

"are you stupid or just playin stupid"

Dont be mad say something like "well yeah, atleast that makes me more clever than u (sunglass smiley)

[–]zino1934 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't understand if this is for real or satire.

  1. Be the guy that others wanna spend time with.

Be competent. Opinions don't matter, you either know something or you STFU. This is what separates men from boys. At first it will be hard, but with time people will learn that when you speak you have to be listened to. This is a long game, they need to learn that you give value not noise.

Always Give value (fun, wisdom, apreciative). Always give genuine compliments and positive reinforcement.

Be scarce, don't "linger". Be on point, go in, give the spike, get out and move to the next social interaction.

  1. Do stuff together.

Talking is for women. Men don't talk, you aren't constructed mentally to bond over shared(comunicated) past experiences. I won't go into antropology - read the Red Queen for all that - essentially women are made to swap tribes and adapt to the existing social hierarchy - while men aren't. Men's hierarchies are based on lived shared experiences and trials of honor, competence, loyalty. I guarantee you that assembling a tricky Ikea set will create a stronger bond than 5 tea parties. Again - competence and doing are male social skills - not talking.

  1. Hang out intentionally and enjoy the good life.

Enjoying life is something that men do proactively, boys and women do reflexively when the emptiness of life squeezes around them. Whether it's a pickup game with the coworkers or smoking the puffy plant - it's not something you default to. You plan and schedule. If it's a mixed gender thing - it's again scheduled: time with the womenfolk. If you are the one that invites people over because you are bored or have too much time - that's going to have a different type of energy compared to: "I want steak, let's have steak this Saturday." One is a giving energy - the other is a needy energy. This is where your advice feels wrong OP. It's technically true. But in practice people doing that will have a very needy energy. Everything is made to bring people into a energetically low environment - and silly party games or planning won't raise it.

Genuinely try the first one for 3-6 months. Show competence, give value and don't linger. People will want to spend more time with you proactively - and that will set up a different kind of interaction and "hang out".

[–]juice_bomb1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great post, would love you to expand more on this if you feel willing.

[–]Gman4881 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you play/played sports when you were younger, finding a beer league of a sport is the best. You make bros based on similar interest, competition and camaraderie. Not to mention if your team is serious, traveling to tournaments together is a blast.

[–]breakthatass1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

A garden out the front of my house a lot, the Old Man Vibe is real lol

[–]DonuInitial1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a great post, everyone should be stepping out of their comfort zone especially in this time of extreme disillusionment.

[–]YankMcCrank1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Really great post. Posting to bookmark it, going to come back in a week and see if I'm taking action.

[–]2Simptopimp-co-uk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good man. Please come back and update me

[–]AshyLarry271 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I get so sick of the "no one texts me to hang out or invites me to things, I have fake friends" bull crap! The reason I get invited to things and have plenty of good things is because I make the effort to reach out to others and invite THEM to things first.

We live in such a "take" mentality after college and just assume people will get in touch with US first. They act like its the end of the world if no one is texting or contacting them. How about giving "value" and "worth" instead of praying others will let you extract it from them. You want to revive your friendships? Reach out to people and be a uniter/leader! Stop waiting to be hit up first.

[–]Andgelyo1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is a great reminder. This was how I used to be in my younger days. I’m 30 now, and well, with everything going on, I’m just more stoic, observant, and overall less happy now. I just don’t give a fuck about people any more. In my 20s, I was talking to everyone and making eye contact and smiling. Nowadays I just don’t give two shits any more. Any advice how to get my mojo back?

[–]2Simptopimp-co-uk[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Read How to win friends and influence people ASAP. Just put your trust in that one book and everything will change

[–]Luck-670 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good write up. I qualify for old man status compared to probably most of you. The statement about old guys NGAF about random convos is pretty much true.

I’ve been talking shit with anyone/ everyone since about age 35...some 19 years ago.

It is, at times, very productive.

[–]978441300 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Speaking facts, wish more people would read this

[–]notastupid_question0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The "Old Man Vibe" lmao such a appropiate archetype mate. What a great post

[–]lovatoariana0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Sounds so simple. Tried it. Works if the person finds you high value and doesnt have a lot going on in their lives. However thats was like 1 out of 10 persons for me

[–]nixed93 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

So you made 1 new friend for 10 attempts at it

Probably not a bad result in the long run

[–]Duke_Blasto1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's not a value thing. People want to spend time with people that they like. If you are getting those poor rates, I'm guessing it's because you are asking people who don't like you yet or you are suggesting people do things that they don't want to do.

It's simple, not easy.



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