I still laugh remembering my mindset when I first got involved with the guy who ultimately alpha-widowed me. “I’m not like those other stupid girls. I could never fall for a guy out of my league.” I was aware of his smv against my own, that he’d never commit. It was so cliche, and I thought that I was so much better than a cliche. “I’m just going to hook up with him for the new experience and move on with my life.”
I genuinely thought that hooking up with him would have no effect on me, that I’d simply be able to look back at the memory and laugh. I thought I was way too smart to become one of “those girls”, the ones who pine and cry over a guy who sees them as an easy lay. I believed that because I was aware of the dynamics, I’d be exempt from them.
Ha!! It took us kissing for me to get attached. For him to infiltrate my mind. After having sex, I was basically his. I didn’t know it then (or didn’t want to know it). I kept pulling excuse after excuse out of my ass for not being able to leave him alone, for putting up with so much. Anything to not have to believe that I was one of “those girls”. I would muster up the balls to cut him off only to come crawling back once I realized I didn’t want anyone but him. That no one could compare. Move on from him? Ha!
It took 18 months for me to finally admit to myself that not only was I one of those girls; I was even worse. I knew exactly what I was getting into and still succumbed to it. I was so prideful, so delusional, SO sure that I could beat nature. Now all I can really do is laugh.
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