I dated a girl for two-and-a-half-years where after I was feeling so broken and on the bumpy road to recovery. During my relationship, when and if I told my friends stories about what she did to me that day or what occurred on a weekly basis; they would say to me “she is fucking ‘crazy’ man get out”, or “what a ‘psycho’”. It’s ironic how at the end of it all I am the one left by her ‘coup de grace’ feeling both crazy and psycho as all friends take her side. As we met in Canada, her being a younger age than I, she moved to Europe to pursue her master’s degree whilst I followed her there (first mistake I made). We discussed this and were both excited about being together and both serious about one another planning a future after her program.

The honey moon stage had been going quite well and to be honest this girl blew me off my feet since day one being extremely charming, witty, sporty and smart coupled with beautiful looks and physique. As days went by, it was as if sand was shifting from point A to point B as I couldn’t begin to recognize myself. Shifting me from being a proud individual with a good reputation, who was sporty, funny, upbeat who had plenty of options including her friends finding myself now left with no one, alone in the midst of a severe depression. Little signs unfolded which I will list here without telling stories behind them during our relationship; every time I would talk to my friends she would make fun of them or down grade them in some shape or form, additionally she would smack talk her friends in a similar fashion for some reason, she would make fun of me in almost any way possible and never complimented me once calling me a child who seeks attention, the clothes I wore were too ‘douchebaggy’, when I would get a haircut she would make fun of me and not want to talk to me because of it, in front of friends she would act very loving and affectionate but behind closed doors she sometimes wouldn’t even talk to me and call me names, the same goes to social media uploading pictures of us being lovey dovey although a day before we were in a huge fight, she had an awful relationship with her brother, sister, but most of all her mother who she despised being compared to (slapped me once when I said she was like her), with her dad being a sort of slave to the family who would cook, clean, pick up and drop off all family relatives during the day working from home.

Six months into the relationship the first slap came across the face after a disagreement, followed by a dozen more throughout the relationship for various reasons such as me grabbing her ass or me not doing something right. She greatly appreciated gifts and expected things, was not supportive at all, did not want me to go out (until she didn’t care anymore about me and didn’t even comment on whether I did go out or not), stated she would ‘never apologize and not change who she is’, she seemed to care more about my status than me as a person. In hindsight, our relationship was at its best when she didn’t have many if any friends in her University and she was relatively “lonely and isolated because of me” and the time we spent together. Near the end of our relationship, she would tell me how she wanted to befriend this girl in her class who she is so similar to but this person acts weird towards her and she just didn’t understand it. During a period where she stopped talking to me for two weeks over me saying her attitude is disgusting and her parents should be ashamed of it, her and this girl became best friends and it was as if she was dating her (as funny as that sounds) and our relationship went even further downhill. She would then use sex as a bargaining tool and stopped wanting to have sex all together towards the end of the relationship. Leaving me isolated from my friends and even family, the relationships demise came with me asking her if there was another guy which she then decided was the final straw additionally with her calling me psycho and making fun of me with her friends in the aftermath.

Of course, to add to the bluepillness, there was the begging and pleading to take me back which begun after the break up as I find myself alone in this city where I don’t know anyone with just me and my thoughts. Six months later, I find myself taking ultimate measures to recover, this includes therapy sessions, a new hobby, anti-depressants, a decrease in social media, cleaning up my surroundings and cutting out certain friends, working on my appearance and spending time alone, completely alone. Blocking her on all social media has helped to a degree, but to this day, sometimes I run into her and see her from a distance and I feel as if (as sad as this is) a hole is being ripped out of me, physically leaving me unable to focus or breath calmly. I avoid certain roads, streets and places in fear of seeing her when in fact she is the one who wants nothing to do with me. Obviously, my contact with her has been absolutely halted since a month after the break up with her being blocked and no way of reaching me, but I still find myself in this depression, wondering if it was me who caused her to act this way or I got a bad apple and she will always be this way to guys. I felt like I got an amazing girl at the beginning and I see other guys even when dating her stare at her and try and befriend her.

She has this non-caring free and wild aura around her and excels in the things she does to the point where it is almost intimidating. I should have seen the red flags, handled them, yet she states she stayed with me during my beta-ness saying ‘I tried to save this relationship, I stuck with you during your worst times when you needed to fix yourself, you retard’, and after “Don’t contact me, I have nothing to say to you, ever”. The worst feeling in the world I realize is now believing the things your ex once said who you once use to believe was psycho whilst you were with her, has now successfully convinced you that you’re the psycho one and to a point I wonder if she actually might be right. I’ve never done and would never do anything drastic, but she has successfully ripped me apart to the point where even my family are worried. I am trying any form to better myself, to make sure this will never happen again. I won't let it. The worst part is I feel like this human being I gave so much to and treated me like shit, is in some sort of way a 'queen' in my mind who doesn't deserve to be up there and I cannot alter this thought.

It has been almost a year, and I still feel insane, still miss her, still wonder what she is up to. I still blame myself, wonder if she is happy or ever will be, and if this was all my fault. I need help.

Tl;Dr - Please read this, I can't explain this in a short manner. I am losing myself.