We need to talk about what frame control means.

Frame control is such a broad idea that has so many different components and it's used to describe so many different things by so many different people that it's almost become meaningless. The term has become a catch-all.

I see people define / imply frame control means the following things:

  • Controlling the topic of conversation. Sometimes in a conversation just randomly change the subject. Don't always answer the other person's question - instead just say something unrelated.
  • Controlling what happens. She says "let's get Chinese", you think "No, I'm going to disagree with whatever you say and instead just get in the car and start driving to Italian to show how little I've pedestalized you and how Don't Give a Fuck I am."

Both of those uses can be interesting and useful within specific situations. They can demonstrate value or build attraction, but strictly speaking aren't a NECESSARY part of a man's arsenal. They also have the risk of being misused or misunderstood. You can come across as a douchebag easily if you overdo these things (especially with other guys).

I think frame control originally described the following:

  • What other people say or think doesn't change my own beliefs, self-perception, or how I will act or respond. If I go up to a girl at a bar and she doesn't respond with a single word - just head turns - I won't let her "shake my frame". My emotional state, thoughts, and behaviors will not be altered or defined by other's negative feedback. I will continue the night having fun and be unaffected by her actions.

Frame control is being unaffected by others (unless its something that improves my emotional state) and to be true to myself and not bend or break. In an emotionally charged fight with a GF - stand my ground. Decide what I think is morally right and correct and "keep my frame". When someone treats me poorly or tells me I'm wrong - I control my frame and don't let them think I've changed my mind or backed down.

Defining and controlling your frame is not letting others determine how you feel or think. When your frame is "shaken" that means someone was able to emotionally provoke you (or if you're really unlucky they've used logic to convince you that your worldview is incorrect, at which point you are fucked for a little bit).

Tr;Dr:

Frame control is about your emotional state and composure being unaffected in the heat of the moment when you get shot down at the club or are being challenged by a girlfriend. It's about being unaffected by emotional provocations from others.

Many /trp/ers are diluting the term frame control and overdoing it. They risk becoming unnecessarily "controlling" in their relationships because they think arbitrarily exerting control over others or over conversation is a necessary, value displaying behavior. It's not about controlling others but about controlling yourself. If controlling others is your style that's cool too (on the streets or in the bed or both), but it shouldn't be how this term is used.