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Realization during argument with wife (self.askMRP)

submitted by throwaway5884609

I lurk around these parts occasionally and was curious what others think about this incident.

As background, married 10 years, two kids, live in an apartment in an ultra-high COL area. I've been wanting a house for a long time--I want my kids to grow up in one, and I have a dream of building myself a music space/home studio in a basement or attic. Houses have been out of reach but in the last couple years I've started to crush it in my career and now it's looking like we will be able to do it comfortably (i.e. without financially stretching) in a year or two--basically we could afford a small detached house in a nice area with a good school while still maintaining some urban amenities and being able to walk to things.

We've talked about it a lot and usually were on the same page about wanting it, but suddenly recently my wife started to say she didn't want to move to a house anymore, she just wanted to stay in our apartment and renovate it, talking like she's "just not gonna do it" etc.

My first reaction was to get angry about this, and I basically told her "staying in this apartment forever is off the table for me. I want a house. " At first I'm thinking "I'm handling this right, this is the new, more assertive me, not taking shit anymore." I was, in fact, pretty angry about her attitude, because she knew this had been my dream for a long time, and I am the one working in the high-earning field so that we can afford it, so it seemed really flippant and spoiled to just dismiss my dream because she felt like having a house would be a hassle. We had a whole dumb argument about it that led to nowhere, and I started to feel like my assertiveness was futile.

Then suddenly it hit me: it was futile. I was getting sucked into a pointless hypothetical debate with my wife WHO CHANGES HER MIND ABOUT THINGS EVERY WEEK. Only three months ago she was talking like she wanted to leave the area entirely and move somewhere rural. So why the fuck am I even wasting my time on her? Because deep down I am not actually being assertive, I am being a whiny bitch upset that he didn't get his feelings validated.

The reality is: right now we are not ready to buy a house. In a year or two, when we are, THAT'S when I can assert myself, putting out a concrete plan and pushing the plan forward. In the meantime, it's silly to waste energy arguing with someone who will probably change her mind about the whole thing seven or eight more times.


[–]simbarlionRed Beret38 points39 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She probably saw a cool looking apartment on Instagram, 5 min before hand

[–]red_matrix10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Women are part of a hive mind, like the borg.

[–]SiegreicherMarsch24 points25 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If you are The Captain in two years, when you present your plan she will be on board. Why? Because you are a leader and you have an excellent plan backed up by a track record of past excellent plans, both large and small. She'll tell people she's always wanted a house and you will smile and delegate some new house tasks for her to get involved with.

[–]IRunYourRiver21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

"Men don't talk. Men do." You brought it up for validation and she didn't give it to you.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

“ was getting sucked into a pointless hypothetical debate with my wife WHO CHANGES HER MIND ABOUT THINGS EVERY WEEK.“

Yep. Women don’t have views, they have emotions. They must be lead.

Welcome aboard.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret21 points22 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

What is it with people renovating the shit I own?

I give you a place to live for a monthly fee, and you fuck it up with your retarded Pinterest tchotchkes and shit Ikea wall units. After you buy all of this shit, split up, break your lease and move out, I have to haul all that mess to the dumpster.

Then I just raise the rent 25%, another strapped renting couple come in so that they can be "close to the action" urbanites, and the cycle repeats.

Do what the fuck you want. Any person who wants to invest in her landlord's property, is a fucking moron. If you plan on renting until my kid uses you as passive income, I don't know what to tell you.

Without owning more than your car, you will NEVER be wealthy. Let me repeat that --- If the only thing you ever own in your life is your car, you will NEVER be wealthy.

Read the sidebar. Develop frame. Get logical and become less of a sheep consumer. Demonstrate your worth and in two years you can move into that house (or buy an investment property) with or without her.

The stay plan is the same as the go plan.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuck reading this reply with less than half a cup of coffee in me.

Fuck it in the ass.

And fuck divorce and the liquidation of assets.

Should be top comment.

However most wont appreciate it.

[–]mrp_awakening4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The first rule of fight club is don't talk about fight club.

The second rule of fight club is never argue with your wife. Not worth it... all it does is kill attraction and will solidify her stance against what you want. She's changing her mind every 2 weeks about living somewhere urban or rural? Great... don't get into a fight and force her to dig her heals into the position you don't want. Fighting is childish... don't back down from your goals, but find a way to side-step the conflict without argument.

Lastly... try not to talk too much about hopes and dreams which aren't immediately attainable. A little bit is fine... so long as it's done in the frame of having a long term vision/goals you're working towards, but if this is 2 years out and everything is murky, don't fixate on it. Like maybe talk about it at most once a month... if you're talking every week or two about it, that's too much. Save up your money, wait 2 years, and start having serious discussion when the goal is attainable (down payment saved up). You need to come out with a plan, i.e. know the areas to look in which make sense, and have an idea about cost, yard size, etc...

Depending on your wife's personality, she may want/need to be part of the decision making process or she may be comfortable leaving it all up to you. It's fine if she needs to be a part of it, but make sure you do your homework first and have a plan. Start the process with houses you'd want to live in. Know what's doable, know what are your wants vs needs. If you find that nothing is going to work, and it makes financial sense, you could find a house that to buy and rent out that you'd be comfortable living in some day.

[–]AmazingDevil2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I find myself in a similar situation. Out of the blue my wife tells me she wants a closet organizer. She says that she has "always wanted one". She then tells me that "we" have to measure the closet to buy one post haste. I tell her to clean the closet first, then we can talk.

Reading all this shit is slowly getting my mind in the right place.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

WHO CHANGES HER MIND ABOUT THINGS EVERY WEEK

Every week? Find every day or even hour. Wife is mad - "You're never getting any sex from me ever again.... ever!". 2 hours later we're fucking so you know... AWALT.

You're 100% right. Every time I start talking about something hypothetical I realize it's best just to STFU. Until I'm actually ready to do anything, it's not worth bringing things up.

​

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Legit.

I realized I had to stop waiting for verbally expressed buy-in/compliance with my wishes and just plow ahead regardless. Again & again I have seen that my wife cannot resist long term steady calm movement towards a goal of mine; even if in any one particular intstance she fails to respect mah authoritah.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

In essence you have a covert contract, 'I work hard and therefore she MUST share my dream'.

You came to a good realization, arguing over something you were thinking out loud about is probably the dumbest thing in hindsight.

You lead with a solid plan, not a vague wishy washy pie in the sky dream.

[–]Eyeswideopend1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Who owns the house, is it both your names ? Who dominates with income ?

[–]FreeKeandre0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

"look babe, I'm moving into the house & just paying a mortgage bill"

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

it seemed really flippant and spoiled to just dismiss my dream because she felt like having a house would be a hassle

It WAS flippant, cruel, mean, obnoxious, bitchy, whatever you want to call it. The problem is they do it all the time. Dieda writes about this and I quote the passage in my book as well. Women are dream killers. They see it as their duty to destroy all the dreams of the man they are with. I don't know why, but that is what they do.

Don't let her destroy your dreams. I would care less about what she says and her comfort if she is going to act like that but that is the only thing you can really do. A-freaking-WALT my brother.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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