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Caught wife cheating, she backed out of mediation (self.askMRP)

submitted by medic_jajs

New to all of this but an urgent situation came up. Long story short 4 weeks ago my wife asked for separation for problems related to us but mostly me. Last week I found she was cheating with a big black lesbian. She's 49 and we've been together 15 years with 3 teenage boys.

We we supposed to go to mediation today to begin to separate things out but she cancelled apparently she lawyered up last week. I already have a lawyer.

We were going to tell the kids about this GS after mediation and I still plan to Friday. Now that she has retained a lawyer and wants to make this messy (she makes more than me and I live in NC. Adultery isn't looked upon kindly here. She likely would have gotten a better deal with mediation). Anyway, is there a way to let the kids know she was unfaithful and that's why this is happening?


[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat30 points31 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

Don’t bring the kids into this to try to get them to pick sides. They will find out she’s a cheater, teenagers are smart (in stupid ways). You need to focus on letting them know you’re gonna be there for them right now and being a rock for them while their world comes apart.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret14 points15 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

this is the correct answer. however, between three teenage boys at least one of them is going to demand answers as to "why"

so at that point OP has a choice: lie, DEER & obfuscate, or tell the truth.

having been on the receiving end of these disclosures; i can tell you without a doubt the truth is the best.

OP should wait until the questions are asked (they will ask when their ready to know); then simply, coldly, and without DEER answer each question without expounding.

btw OP,

she makes more than me and I live in NC. Adultery isn't looked upon kindly here.

cha-ching. don't be a dumbfuck OP

[–]askmeanything24 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

OP is going to use "tell the truth" to weaponize the kids.

There is a fourth option, which is to say "that is a question your mom is better able to answer.", which is also the truth.

I was friends with some teenage boys whose mom left their dad for a woman. You have to be very careful not to fuck the kids up.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

which is to say "that is a question your mom is better able to answer.", which is also the truth.

i'd put that under "DEER & obfuscate"; and it is essentially passing the buck. i also disagree that the mom is better able to answer because she is much more likely to fuck it up.

You have to be very careful not to fuck the kids up.

meh, they're no where near as fragile as people think. what you say is so less important than what you demonstrate

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

And give her the chance to tell her hamstered narrative first? No way. You don't want to weaponize them but you damn sure don't want her to spin up some abuse rationalization tale and that be the leading story. Then you'd be left on defense to disprove her version. You lead and she has to refute your story.

[–]askmeanything22 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I should clarify

Certainly present a narrative but not the evil lesbian cheating whore one.

If a kid asks are you seeing someone else, did you cheat on mom, etc. reply no, never.

If a kid asks if mom is seeing someone else, did she cheat on you, did she leave you for someone else etc., reply "that is a question your mom is better able to answer"

[–]WesternhagenWinner1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There is a fourth option, which is to say "that is a question your mom is better able to answer.",

Except mom will lie her ass off, so that will not provide the kids with "the truth". Good way to show the boys the hamster in action though.

[–]friendandadvisor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is putting too much shit on the OP.

OP has only to say "She has a new love interest." If they ask for clarification, OP can wing it. If there's any fucking up of the kids, it's Mom's fault.

[–]medic_jajs[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

That's probably what's going to happen. I guess if they ask a question after wrestling with it....fair game?

[–]PersaeusRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

fair game?

jeez, fuck off faggot. the way you put this makes me sorry for you boys. it's not fair and it's not a game; it just is.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You played nice, and she threw it in your face.

Like Dalton, you're nice until you have to be not nice

[–]Bedtimeshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuck that always tell your kids. They need to hear it, one day they will be in a similar situation. And file on grounds of adultery. Telling the truth isn’t weaponizing shit.

[–]BlackFire681 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

teenagers are smart (in stupid ways)

one of the better quotables that I've seen here

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret12 points13 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Do NOT tell them right now.

Ask your attorney.

This can play out different ways in court.

Remember, messengers and bearers of bad tidings often get shot, or pushed into an abyss.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4Prc1UfuokY

Fuck.

My divorce rant is about to come out like the Hulk out of Bruce Banner.

Get ready to fight like the future of your boys depends on it.

Because it does.

Do NOT get lazy and depend solely on your attorney. They get paid whether you win or lose.

Right now, your emotions are running high and you’ve got a ton of energy swirling around from adrenaline, anxiety, and worry.

Channel it.

Forget the sidebar, except for lifting.

Keep lifting.

Your new hobby, and part time job, is to learn about divorce law related to men with children in NC.

You should learn this shit on a level that your attorney would hire you as a paralegal in the future.

When all is said and done, the final gavel falls, the attorneys go home, the bailiffs turn out the lights in the courtroom, and the ink dries on the final decree...

YOU, and your 3 boys, will have to live with the results, forever.

So what level of investment are you willing to live with, win or lose?

u/RedCurious has a lot of RP divorce wisdom here.

I will update his name in a minute.

Get your shit together and..

GET TO FUCKING WORK.

Edit:

It’s u/Red-Curious

Pull up his old posts on divorce and start reading.

[–]Red-Curious12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

To u/medic_jajs, don't involve the kids. Why would you do that to them? Because you want to spare your ego in front of them? Screw that and any guy who does that ... unless they're all 16+ and reasonably mature enough to take it.

Of she makes more than you, you're probably going to win. Have fun screwing her over. She'll plead for you to settle "for the kids." That's where it's a lie. Don't worry about the kids when they're not there. If she wants to hold out because you won't settle, as long as you've given her a reasonable proposal under your state's laws, then it's her refusing to settle.

NC is one of 3 states that retains laws for statutory interference with a marital relationship. Research it and use that. Some lady got a multimillion dollar verdict against her husband's mistress several years ago. She'll never be able to pay it, but it can be nice to stick your thumb up her butt like that.

Hire the Rosen Law Firm if you're near Raleigh, or at least have a consult with them so they're conflicted out.

[–]redwall925 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hire the Rosen Law Firm if you're near Raleigh, or at least have a consult with them so they're conflicted out.

This is awesome.

OP ... do this. Pay the $100 initial consult fee just to follow this advice. If you consult with the firm, then the firm can't consult with her - conflict of interest. If Red says this is one of the best in the town, then pay the small fee and check this box.

It's not often a guy with Red's forum cred says do something in such a check-box manner. This is an easy step. Do it.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hire the Rosen Law Firm if you're near Raleigh, or at least have a consult with them so they're conflicted out.

If he says do this. Fucking do it yesterday faggot.

[–]medic_jajs[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have this other person, with good evidence, for criminal conversation, alienation of affection and divorce from bed and board. Good advice. Thanks

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don't get baited into doing anything that could be perceived as threatening (even raising your voice counts at this point). You can tell the kids in due time (if they want to know), but right now you need to be a saint. It wasn't an accident that she backed out of mediation, and unfortunately you probably won't know what angle she's playing until the accusations start flying.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Dude,

I dont understand everything you are talking about, but sometimes you have to back the truck up and look at the bigger picture. And from my corner of the world that bigger picture looks like a humbled dad who must tell his sons what is going on with ZERO vindication or negativity. That includes honesty about a break up, a difficult period ahead, and your best efforts to allow your sons to make their own decisions and/or remain in contact with both parents.

You fucked it up*. You fix it. OYS.

*may or may not be true.

[–]medic_jajs[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That post reads wrong. Sorry. She said she wanted a separation so that I can work on me and she can work on her and she needed to be alone to do it. It reads like I admit that this happened because of things that I did. What I meant was she put all the blame on me until I found out differently that she wants a separation to screw around.

[–]CasperTFG_8081 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Either way don’t be childish and punitive “it’s her fault”, “she did it”, “not me” see how all that sounds.

Tell your kids what is relevant for them to hear don’t lie to them. Just the facts no emotion or blame your kids will that you and respect you more.

[–]Grimsterr2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do not attempt to weaponize the kids, be their rock to lean on and not the whiny little bitch you want to be. They're teenagers, they'll find out the score on their own.

Spend all your effort on getting custody, and child support, and if NC does it, alimony. You want to indulge your whiny little bitch, indulge it by making her pay you money every month.

[–]FlyingSexistPig1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You have more than one kid. You know lots of other kids.

Your children only have 1 mom and 1 dad. Don't fuck up these relationships for your children just so you can win some points.

Your kids will have to decide for themselves down the road who they like and who they don't. Their mom might be a shitty person, but she's still their mom.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Why are you protecting her ?

Lawyer up. Tell the truth. The end

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

is there a way to let the kids know she was unfaithful and that's why this is happening

Yes, and the way is for you to NOT tell them. If they ask, tell them that is adult stuff that does not concern them. Or you can designate an uncle/brother to tell them while you interrupt the sordid tale as the "good guy." No matter how you handle it, the kids will find out on their own and you telling them will make you look bad.

[–]redwall921 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Your lawyer should advice you as to what to tell your children and when. If papers are being served, then there's most likely a restraining order of some sort in the papers that will have verbiage about not talking to the kids about each other and each other's actions leading up to and during the separation/divorce. If you trust your lawyer (and hopefully you do), then just follow your lawyer's advice. Even if it means therapy and paying for somebody to tell the kids ... at this point, if you want the best outcome for you and hopefully your kids, then just pay for the therapist. In other words ... ask your lawyer.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

papers that will have verbiage about not talking to the kids about each other and each other's actions leading up to and during the separation/divorce

are you making this up. know lots of divorced people and never heard of this once.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

Wish I was making this stuff up...

Plaintiff alleges that she is entitled to appropriate restraining orders to restrain and enjoin the Defendant from the following acts:

...

D. Making derogatory remarks about the Plaintiff in the presence of their children, or allowing third parties to do so.

E. Discussing this case with the parties' children or in the presence of the parties' children, or allowing third parties to do so.

According to my lawyer, this is boilerplate stuff once papers get filed; this sort of restraining order ends up going both ways. And things said in the presence of children can get construed in many, many ways...

Asking for advice here is great. Bottom line??? Talk to your lawyer. That's what you pay them for. Where my children are concerned, I place my trust in my lawyer more than any of you keyboard jockeys. I am trying to tell OP to do the same.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I place my trust in my lawyer more than any of you keyboard jockeys

agreed

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

so i guess, you go with "can't talk about that son, i'm under a court impaired gag order".

how long does this go on?

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

That's where my personal experience stops... Those papers were rescinded, so the restraining order was removed. Tough questions were asked by my kids, and I answered as best I could in order for them to know I was present and not going anywhere and that this was not their fault. I deferred most questions about my wife's behavior to her; if she felt like not answering that was on her. Mom was out of the house for a couple weeks by her choice. I made it clear I wasn't going anywhere. I'm pretty sure my kids .. at least the older ones .. will leave my house with a much better understanding of "You do you" than I was imparted by my parents.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I will echo what most others are saying ... don't attempt to weaponize the kids at all. She will. You know she will. She will weaponize them to your face. She will say things like "So you want another man taking your place?" This is an attempt to bait you into anger. Don't let it happen. Choose your path with the help of your lawyer, and walk your path with resolve.

She will demonize you to your children. You know she will. She will tell them about how bad of a father you are and how she wants you out of her life and how it will be better with you out of their lives. If you're a shitty father, it will stick. If you've been nothing but a shitty father, it will stick. That's on you. And it will hurt, and it should hurt. But if you haven't been a shitty father like maybe you've been a shitty husband, then it won't stick with the kids. It will still hurt. Just accept the pain. Choose your path with the help of your lawyer, and walk your path with resolve.

Teenage boys are smart. There comes a time when they must make a break with their mother ... kind of like a break with with The Mother (see Robert Bly's Iron John). And then they become men. If you're boys are on their way to becoming men, then they will want your input as to what's going on. Typically, teenage boys do not blindly accept Mom's version of life anymore like they used to when they were 8 and 9 years old. Your boys will ask questions. Be open and honest, but encourage them to take their questions to your wife if their questions are about her behavior.

Above all ... ask your lawyer, and follow his advice.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Those papers were rescinded, so the restraining order was removed.

well, that was going to be my next question. what if you don't agree to sign the gag order. i'd have a real hard time signing anything that tied my hands in regard to my kids.

i'd like to hear Red-Curious take on how common this type of gag order is; and how best to handle it.

will leave my house with a much better understanding of "You do you"

care to expound on this. i know what "you do you" means; but am not sure how your applying it in this case

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I didn't sign anything. I was served papers. No choice to sign, accept, or deny the papers. I was bound by them, and the consequences would have played out however they would have played out with or without my permission or consent. Hence ... talk to a lawyer.

"You do you." Kids are going to have a tough time anytime parents go through a tough time. No getting around that. I can try to minimize that for them. I can try to always be present to the best of my ability. But they are going to have a tough time. This is life. They have a choice how they will respond to those around them - in this case Mom and Dad. Will they let Mom's choices or Dad's choices determine the course of their life?

Appropriately on a kid's level ... Is my 14yo son going to let his 12yo sister's choice to be a little bitch determine the course of his day?

Appropriately on kid's level ... Is my 11yo son going to let his 6yo sister's choice to tear some piece of property up or make some huge mess determine the course of his day?

Kid's level on steroids ... Is my daughter going to let her mother's choice to be a bitch determine my daughter's course for the day? Or my daughter's course for her life?

There are day-by-day and moment-by-moment choices that we make. Be a bitch or don't. Be a liar or don't. Be a thief or don't. But the choices we also must make day-by-day and moment-by-moment are how we will respond/react to others when they make the liar choice or the bitch choice.

My kids will have a much better understanding of OYS and "you do you" then I had leaving my parents' house.

Red Pill while married is kind of RP "hard-mode." I see kids growing up during parents having a tough time as growing up "hard-mode." It's either going to break the kid, or it will give him more confidence as he grows in an understanding forced upon him. And different kids from the same family will experience the exact same situation differently and will therefore react/respond very differently. Some of my kids may have months of therapy in front of them; for some of my kids the tough times in our family have been the therapy they need to prevent them from taking the BP road I took.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

solid perspective on the you do you.

[–]BostonBrakeJob1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

"Hey askMRP, is there anyway I can tell my kids their mom is a cheating lesbian whore and she is the reason our family is being destroyed? I really want them to hate her as much as I do right now."

Go hang from a rafter. They're your kids man. Divorce is hard enough, don't go confusing them even more by playing this stupid fucking game too. Take it on the chin and move the fuck on with your life, ya piece of shit.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Sorry, pal, you're full of shit.

He can't look like an asshole to the kids when the kids say "Why are you divorcing?" He'll be giving the kids an example of stupidity and fear of facing the truth. Further, he has labored to keep the family together...should he act as if he didn't even fucking try to keep it together, while Mom is out being a saint? He wasn't the adulterer. Mom is, after all, a cheating whore. Why try to paint a false picture to make you happy? If he gives the truth, that will damage her reputation enough.

[–]BostonBrakeJob0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

My hunch is OP wants 2 kids angry with mom when the custody hearing comes 'round. I may be wrong.

And who gives a shit how hard he labored and tried to keep things peaceful. She, nor the rest of the world, owes OP jack shit. This is his situation now.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Your hunch seems predicated upon...nothing. Nothing in his post gives any reasonable person that idea.

Further, we aren't talking about what the whore and the rest of the world owes OP. OP is going to have to tell kids something. You induce all sorts of mystical and vile constructions coming from the OP.

Well, why should he whitewash anything? Mom is a whore, and prefers another woman over their family unit. With that, you are trying to demonize the OP.

[–]BostonBrakeJob-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm getting another hunch that you're not here for a lesson on cutting through people's bullshit to see their real intentions. I'd gladly run that clinic if I'm wrong on this hunch too.

If I'm wrong and he has nothing but good intentions, then my 2 cents is irrelevant. What's got your panties bunching up so much here?

[–]Greyhawke69690 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mediation is voluntary - as are the agreements made to end disputes through mediation. Your post sounds whiny and like you're a victim. Your spouse didn't show up at the voluntary process that would have made resolution easier? So what? Do what others have suggested: Get the best legal representation you can; fight for your kids' sake; do NOT weaponize them or attempt to alienate them from their mother; man up and show your kids what a responsible parent looks like; do NOT complain - especially not in front of or to your kids.

[–]SailorAground0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ask your lawyer about a private investigator or provide proof of the affair. This could allow you to file an at-fault divorce, which means that she gets no alimony and you don't have to wait the full year of separation. At this point, move in secret and let the lawyers and courts do the talking. Like a boxer, you don't want to telegraph your moves.

Depending upon where you live in the state, see if you can file a restraining order to prevent her from taking the kids across state lines (Ask your lawyer about the UCCJEA), this can fuck up your plans to no end. My ex took my kid back to SC where she was from, which forced me to have to get an SC attorney and do everything through the SC courts.

Best of luck, dude, the NC court system is heavily-weighted in favor of the woman.

[–]medic_jajs[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fortunately NC also does not look kindly on infidelity (her) on the supporting spouse (also her- she makes significantly more). My evidence was good and legally obtained per my lawyer. I'm debating hiring a PI. Did you go that route?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

when your wife fucks a girl, you call it cheating?

you actually got upset about that?

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

But ... she's black, bro. Standards?

[–]medic_jajs[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

And big

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

that's fair. but a start is a start i guess

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It was WITHOUT him.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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