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Shit test or something else (self.askMRP)

submitted by Wtfdidy0ud0

My wife has a tendency to deconstruct my actions framing everything in a negative way. Some examples:

Example 1: I finished renovating a room in the house, project for the kids. Everyone else has had a positive reaction and has complimented the work. My wife however has said nothing positive and only complained about how long a portion had taken. She will also disregard the effort involved.

Example 2: I made some business deals at the end of last year and increased my income by 50k. You’d think that’s a good thing but instead of being positive about it she simplified the achievement and devalued any accomplishment.

“All you did was bla bla...” is how most of these interactions begin.

If she didn’t care or said nothing that would be fine but she continuously attack’s what I do. It’s like living with my own personal hater.

I’ve treated these as shit tests, AA or ignore but I’m starting to think there’s more to this. Are these shit tests or is this a fundamental lack of respect or something else?

Background: mid 30s, 3 kids, married 8 years. Been lifting for years. Great job, house, career and I handle financials and such.


[–]rocknrollchuck11 points12 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

“All you did was bla bla...” is how most of these interactions begin.

That's because you told her about your accomplishments, expecting praise. "Mommy mommy look what I did!" Stop doing that.

To be a man is to do what is needed instead of what is wanted, and to do so without an expectation of appreciation.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To be a man is to do what is needed instead of what is wanted, and to do so without an expectation of appreciation.

This right here, is what I needed to hear. It unravels a knot in my head.

[–]Wtfdidy0ud0[S] 2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I’m guilty of this in the past but I’ve stopped seeking any validation from her. It’s always a negative response so it wasnt very hard to change my behavior.

She does this when other people make comments. I.e.

Sister: this playroom for the kids looks awesome.

Me: thanks

Wife: all you did was XYZ and it took forever.

Example 2 came about while I was working. She comes in my office to complain about me working late and then goes into breaking me down.

You’re 100% right but I stopped this a long time ago but any time I get any praise or even feel proud of an accomplishment she try’s to devalue it.

[–]maxofreddit3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sister: this playroom for the kids looks awesome.

Me: thanks

Wife: all you did was XYZ and it took forever.

She may need training, make it like you’re teaching a child. “Honey, if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”

My follow-up question to your situation would be to ask if she’s like this only with you (a lack of leadership issue), or if she’s generally negative with everyone (she just has a general bad attitude).

Some people don’t even realize they’re constantly belittling/being negative. They need help to change direction.

[–]Wtfdidy0ud0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For awhile I just saw this as a reflection of me. But then a realized she does have a shitty attitude with others. She can be generally negative but I’m the only one she hates on. She’ll be nasty to other people but she doesn’t devalue them the same way.

[–]dokoya2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

More importantly- are you happy with the work you did. Nothing ever is perfect but if you can look at it and be happy well then fuck what she thinks. You'll take positive criticism about the work but ignore all else she says that you wish she didnt say. Do it for you and pat yourself on the back.

[–]Wtfdidy0ud0[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah I know when I did good but it feels toxic having her talk shit. My kids are young but soon they’ll be aware and I don’t want them thinking it’s how people get treated.

[–]alchamest2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

my man, the disrespect you are getting is way too high. I have received my fair share in my time, these day's are different but i digress. To me this seems like blatant disrespect, you do well for the family and there is no gratitude, no thanks, nothing but disrespect.

Tell her to shut her mouth if she is continually toxic. You don't need to listen to her, When is the last time you called her ugly whilst she was doing this? Don't pretend she is not foul. let her see your repulsion at her ugliness. That toxicity is optional. With out it you would still have made great business in that year, you would still be able to renovate a room and have it look awesome, and you would only feel good about what you did.

This is a lesson to your kids, in how people get treated, in how people act in your case. by taking it, being disrespected so much and there being no consequences for the transgressions against you. You deserve to be treated like shit because you take it, you permit it. For whatever reasons you have, you still accept it. The flip side is they could mirror your wife's behaviour, they can learn it is how to treat people. Best of luck with it.

[–]DJiamuzak2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very similar situation. It drove me nuts. I started STFU about things I was doing. This year for tax reasons I dropped a huge amount into her 401K. She always stresses about tax season and getting enough money into retirement savings. I ended up putting 12 times what she usually puts in this year. She gets her statement and it went down like this: W: “What’s this?” Me: “I needed to do this for tax reasons.” W: “Well I wasn’t expecting this. Thanks.” Doesn’t sound like much but ... shit tests are WAY down. No more, “you don’t come home until 7pm”, etc, etc. For weeks after she told me she can’t believe that much went into her savings. I played it down every time. Old me would’ve lapped it up, “I added all the money to your account. I had a great year this year. I closed this account and did this and that...I’m so great right...blah, blah.” Now I’m proud to be taking care of my family’s financial wellbeing. Plus, I don’t want her getting used to large amounts of money. Maybe this year I won’t do as well. A subtle change but huge difference. Also, if you’re doing what you say you’re doing, she is probably bragging to her friends about you behind your back ...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's more to it, but all you need to know is its toxic for you to treat these statements from her as anything more than a passing breeze. No need to AA it. AM it by smiling, winking, and saying nothing. You're smiling because you know this is her nature. And if you can't do this then simply ignore it, literally, as if she never even said it.

If she starts doubling and tripling down once she realizes it's not getting to you, remove yourself to do something funner than listening to some yammering critic.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Don’t seek appreciation from Mommy.

I don’t -even when I’m balls deep.

[–]Wtfdidy0ud0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are gay. Your handle is gay.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Look Mom. Look what I did.

Get under 15% body fat in a lifters body. See what she says then. But by that point you won’t care.

[–]Wtfdidy0ud0[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I work in fitness, this is not the issue.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hmm.

Then learn to stop seeking validation. And learn to laugh at her when she is being a silly lil girl

Coz if you can’t - the problem is just going to get worse

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Stop seeking validation from your wife. Stop EXPECTING validation from your wife.

Do the renovations and business for you, not because it will please mommy.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your frame is clearly lacking, and you're dominated by her frame.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But, don’t fool yourself man. You are squarely in her frame.

When you get out of it. The praise will come.

And be sure of this, praise willl come and it will feel a lot ‘nicer’ but will also pull you into her frame.

I’ve been here man, now i get praise for a lot and I have to work to not be sucked into it.

Frame is everything.

And DEER 🦌 , from your comments you’re trying to rationalise this away.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wifey - "You're a poopyhead!"

You - "LOL."

[Go on about your day.]

My wife just today told me I was woman bashing for insinuating they were stupid during some slightly subversive joke.

My response, "That should have gone over your head, then."

She laughed, called me an asshole, we went on about our day.

[–]2ndalRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

These are shit tests. Two ways to handle. One, pass the shit test. Two, make sure you're not expecting your wife to pat you on the back or respond positively to you Owning Your Shit. Getting what needs to be done, done, the right way is all the validation you need.

[–]markpf731 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ah yes the home improvement time shit test - A&A - "yeah that did take a long time. Without having to take commercial breaks that project should've been done in 20 minutes."

[–]Alpha_Engineer991 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

She doesn’t respect you. Are you SURE you wear the pants in your relationship?

If not, start.

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No you missed the right answer twinkle toes. He is lookin for validation from his mom / wife.

That there is the fail. Pants or no pants. But nice boilerplate response.

[–]Alpha_Engineer990 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok dick.

Like validation from momma is some cutting edge shit. Small dick syndrome fags are out today hahah.

I see it as a lack of frame on his end. He’s a great provider at home but not leading from his frame.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

lots of good response advice here but i think you should look to pinpoint the root cause:

What you are describing is very similar to my wife. It comes from her family, as her father is the same. She is forever seeking his praise, and she is never happy. You have to avoid repeating this between you two.

My wife is also i believe in competition with me, she disrespects my success and seeks praise for her own. I get a lot more female attention these days... not once has my wife said i look fit / handsome. I could not give a fuck as i decoupled my self worth from validation from her.

Take your wins off others around you, let go of the fact it wont likely ever come from her, it will probably get worse as you improve.

[–]bala-key0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

she continuously attack’s what I do.

And you continuously give a fuck about what she says.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Once you have frame and aren't concerned you will either see these as amusing or as a bratty bitchy person.

You will come to the point where you will look at it and say:

why the fuck are you here?

[–]mrpthrowa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You managed to come off as seeking validation from her in this post. No matter what you say, she'll smell that from you. Stop.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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