Clean house myself?

SteelSharpensSteel · 2018-01-03T15:02:31+00:00

Just do it, STFU, and absolutely under no circumstances tell your wife that you are doing it. That's validation-seeking, and is unattractive. If she sees you, fine, you STFU and get it done.

Your house = your ship. Get it under control.

cholomite · 2018-01-03T15:01:26+00:00

Just clean your house if it needs to be cleaned. You're an adult man, just handle your shit. Sitting around waiting for others to do shit for you makes you look weak and helpless.

It never hurts to just live your life as though you're already a bachelor and can handle your shit just fine. It will show your girl that you don't need her around as much as she might think and will probably cause a little dread. Just make sure you do go validation seeking or ask for praise or anything. Just clean your shit, and move on.

justpickanyusername · 2018-01-03T16:00:22+00:00

First off, it's your ship. You run it as tight or as loose as you would like as long as you are the captain and leading appropriately.

However, I would like to stop reinforcing nice guy behavior where I would do all of the work while she watches TV.

I get the fear of being walked over especially after being the nice guy for many years. Drop the ego and the covert contract and just take care of it. If she watches TV while you take care of the house, lift, dress better, take her pussy off of the pedestal, and go out regularly she is going to feel like dead weight and very "replaceable".

I set up a chore wheel for the family. I have 4 kids and the tricky part is getting them working together. The chore wheel provides clear expectations and structure. They don't question when it is their turn. The wife and I both have a spot on the wheel and pitch in equally. For years the wife would talk about getting a system put together. Like an idiot, for years I thought she would take initiative and do it. She never did and would just complain to me. It wasn't until I came here and started seeing where I was falling short in leading the family that I just took the initiative and did it. She was a little skeptical at first, but has totally bought in now. So have the kids.

It is not sidebar material, but Extreme Ownership or just about anything Jocko Willink will do you some good. He is heavy on effective leadership and taking ownership which is likely something you lack.

redbeaux · 2018-01-03T18:33:16+00:00

The nice part about owning your shit is you start to see how little (or how much) value your SO other provides. This, among other things should help clarify if the "juice is worth the squeeze". Use this STFU time to build frame when you are ready to make a decision.

223552 · 2018-01-04T05:27:55+00:00

Start changing the way you see things. Its YOUR house, how do you want it? Think what you would do if you were single, and run that way. Keep your house how you want it, for yourself. Keep an an eye on how you project it, make sure its not butt hurt (because the wife is not doing it), make sure not to seek recognition/validation from her. In my case my wife thought I am doing it to rub it in her nose, and a few time I have had to say it, "this is my house, and this is how I want things". Last time I had to say this was a few weeks ago, and I have been here nearly 12 months (we have been together 14yrs), so these changes take time.

BobbyPeru · 2018-01-03T17:21:06+00:00

I understand if you tell me to STFU and read the sidebar. I’m currently doing that,

This could mean anything from I’m halfway through my first book to I read every book on the sidebar except one. Need specifics....

My gut tells me to just do it and STFU.

trust your gut and STFU. After some time, you can start leading. For example: “ hey let’s get this placed cleaned up real quick so we can go out and blah blah blah”

RPWolf · 2018-01-03T19:26:44+00:00

My wife is the same way. She is a complete slob. She also has ADHD and leaves everything half done. I used to get resentful at it and pissy.

As I improve and OMS and just do things without pointing it out to her she has gotten on board around the house more. I never point out that I did anything. She does not see 7 out of 10 of the things and even when she acknowledges them you just say thanks and go about your day. Sometimes I will fuck with her and use some AM with it. Example, she is notorious for leaving her shoes laying about the bed room. More then once I almost broke my neck in the night. Last time it happened I took her shoes the next day and spelled out PUT ME AWAY with them. She got the point and I got a "You're such an asshole!" with a smirk. Shoes havent been left out since.

Just do your list of shit and don't stop until bed time. If your are handling your shit she will notice and possibly start helping out.

BluepillProfessor · 2018-01-05T20:55:34+00:00

should I just lead by example and clean things up to the standard that I would like them kept to?

You can do whatever you want to do so long as you hold no covert expectations from other people to reward you for doing what you wanted to do.

Being a slob is a personality characteristic that is not very subject to change. Slobs often marry neat freaks. Go figure.

drjamesstone · 2018-01-03T23:33:16+00:00

There's a distinct difference between being in control and having your wife live up to some role you have for her in your head. You want a clean house, clean your fucking house. Don't do it because you're trying to set an example, do it because this is important to you. It also serves as a reminder of how easily you can transition to being on your own in the event this marriage fails.

UEMcGill · 2018-01-04T15:23:46+00:00

Here's a fun exercise. Clean your house top to bottom. Don't say a word, just clean.

When you're done kiss her on the forehead and say, "Back in a few"

Then walk out.

Don't answer texts other than, "Back in a few"

When you get back tell her, "I just wanted to get some air"

Tell us what her hamster wheel is like.

bogeyd6 · 2018-01-04T20:41:24+00:00

Do you like a clean house?

zurgenfloggin · 2018-01-06T08:09:21+00:00

I've been at this for about a year. Right now, if I walk into a room and it needs to be cleaned, I clean it.

There are rules my wife has made about which teenager was supposed to have cleaned what. I listen -- and often remember these rules. I (sometimes) charge the kids a nominal fee if I cleaned it when they should have, but I employ a fatherly grace when I see fit.

Sometimes I walk into the kitchen (I work at home when I'm not traveling to client meetings) and I see it needs to be cleaned. I don't sigh at the wife -- who has no job -- for the state of things, I just clean it. It takes 5-10 min. She will sometimes say "Oh, I told myself I was going to clean the kitchen before you walked in". I don't respond. Over 20 years, I've learned this is just my wife's way of minimizing the pain.

There is no need to lecture my wife, or even mention it. There were years where we had a 6 month old and it was not reasonable to expect her to have it cleaned. There were months where lots of things were happening. If I think a room needs to be cleaned I clean it, because I want it cleaned.

megaduff · 2018-01-03T21:23:35+00:00

Thanks for this post. I’m going through something similar.

Interestingly, the top answers so far are not what I expected. My instincts tell me that we should lead and tell them to clean up their shit while we’re cleaning up our shit.

I’ll keep an eye on this post to see if any other gems of advice surface.

screechhater · 2018-01-03T23:05:15+00:00

"get off your fucking ass and help me" as you clean and clean to a set standard

Don't expect anything in return. It needs to be done. If it's so bad she wants to sit and watch TV, throw the mother fucker out

FoxShitNasty83 · 2018-01-03T15:04:22+00:00

Does the missus work? Do you work? Does she tell you it's your job to tidy? Is she lazy elsewhere?