What can you do when you're hurting at the beginning of the end? Can't help feeling the anxiety all the time. She is being the cuntiest of them all at the moment.. Not interested in talking, except when it isn't "us" related. How do I get rid of this feeling? It comes and goes.. Just when I think I'm up it comes flooding back in. I feel like such a bitch and keep holding myself back from writing her. What am I thinking?!

11 years - 4 kids

[–]Red-Curious20 points21 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This stems from irrational oneitis. For religious purposes, I was very resistant to the anti-oneitis talk for a long time, but I've finally caved. I've never believed in soul mates, but I'm mostly anti-divorce. I'm also 9 years and 4 kids, so not too far off from where you're at, but I'm seeing the turn-around.

When you make her your emotional center, everything she says and does matters to you. You try to break it off, but you're subliminally looking at her as the judge of your life. If she's acting like a hyena getting whipped every time you're in the room, just smile and say, "Aww, that's cute." Pat her on the top of her head a couple times, if you have to. The goal here is to show her: (1) that she can't get a rise out of you anymore, (2) that your newfound emotional core is not her, and (3) that you're going to have no trouble moving on from her, if it comes to that. She doesn't have to know the fact that you'd prefer it not come to that.

My guess is that the first time you do something like this, it's going to get real awkward and she's going to explode even more. "Don't treat me like I'm a pet or a child!" Rant ensues. She gives a bigger reaction because she's stuck in the "more of the same" mentality. She doesn't know another way to break you than to go on an emotional assault. So, when she finishes the second wave, you smile [and this part is key] WITH NO APPEARANCE OF SARCASM and say, "So rarely is the sequel better than the original. But ... do you really think you can pull off Return of the Jedi?"

At this point, she'll probably cuss you out and storm off. Why? Because she knows her tirade didn't affect you ... at least that's what she believes.


Here's the thing: you're so invested in what she thinks of you that I don't think you're psychologically capable of just shutting that off. Women have a way of putting men into boxes. Think of it like being in high school as the pudgy nerd who stutters around women. So, you hit the gym, develop some confidence, practice some game, and by the end of Sophomore year you're a stud. So, you ask a girl out and what happens? She laughs at you because you're the kid who used to be a pudgy nerd who now thinks he's all macho [I mean, this didn't happen to me or anything :p /s]. You are macho, but she (and everyone else in the school) created a psychological impression of you and they won't let you out of the box they put you in. Try the same man-up techniques during a summer so you go from fat, stuttering nerd to alpha guy with game from one time they see you to the next and all of a sudden they're all thinking, "Woah, what happened to Ders? He's a total hunk now!"

Your wife put you in the same box those high school people utilized to maintain their popularity. She keeps a position of power if you're not allowed to rise to power. Since you care what she thinks about you and how she treats you (and she knows this!), she has a huge incentive to make sure she keeps treating you like you're in the box, even when you're not in the box anymore. She might not be aware she's doing this, but like the first example of the high school kid, you're not gone for 3 months and coming back a hunk ... it's all gradual, making the impact of your change spread out over time and not a major whammy in her face, so she doesn't take it as seriously, unless she stands to gain something from acknowledging what she has noticed all along (and I'm making a huge assumption that you've actually been changing).


The best answer for getting out of the box is simply to realize you're not in the box anymore and to stop caring that she treats you like you're still in the box. Unfortunately, for most guys, "Just do it" isn't as magically helpful as the person saying it likes to think. "Just stop caring." You've got 11 years invested into this. It's not that easy.

So, there's a cheater method I used to implement long before discovering RP. Here's how your combined logical-emotional salvation path plays out (with RP terminology for ease of translation):

  • I can't stop caring what she thinks about me. I feel powerless to this fact.

  • If she thinks it of me, that's emotional validation that I actually am that way, even if my logical senses know better.

  • I must convince her that I don't care what she thinks about me, even though it's not true.

  • If I'm successful, then what she thinks about me is that I DNGAF about her tirade.

  • If I can convince her that I DNGAF on a consistent basis, she will think I'm a DNGAF person.

  • Since that's what she thinks about me, I am now validated in the fact that I DNGAF.

  • I must actually not GAF anymore.

Congratulations, you've just escaped the box!

How did you get out? By pretending that you were already out for long enough that her perception was that you're not in the box anymore. Since her perception is what matters most to you, you're actually willing to accept it as true of yourself, as opposed to your previous faking. Since that new perception is that you DNGAF about her perception of you, and that perception is now internalized by you as true of yourself, you never have to revert to going back in the box again. You're welcome.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Really great comment. I've saved it in my trello of MRP tricks. cheers.

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'll tell you straight up. You are sucking at MRP because you are trying to use tricks to improve your situation. I'm reading in threads below you just started going to the gym.

Right now invest all your effort into fitnesss. The rest should go to reading the sidebar. If your wife is being a sexless cunt speak only to her about logistics.

And when when she does begin to open up give her 2/3 max of what she gives you. You have so far to go, but you can stop being such a litttle bitch it just takes time and HARD WORK.

[–]TheDers79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is good stuff. I could say so much to what you've written, but I'll keep it simple. Thank you, I really appreciate it and will read it over and over til IDGAF anymore.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

WTF is "beginning of the end ?"

You nubees refuse to hit the gym hard.

You should be crushing it.

Let me tell you crush 6 days a week and you will be so sore, nothing can zap you back into betadom supplicating behaivior.

Once you body adjusts and the soreness dissipates, frame will be built

[–]TheDers79[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

First day in the gym and I went twice today. Coming back from a stroke, I'm weak as shit. I'm taking this advice though.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Watch "Forks Over Knives" and "What the Health" I am pretty much off of milk the results are incredible. My diet is mainly plant based whole food now, life has never been better

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Go to the gym

[–]TheDers79[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I went earlier. To be honest, I thought about it then

[–]mtdog1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You need to be very careful at the gym. Do only what your doctor has cleared you to do. Start slow. Your goal should be to avoid injury and start a habit until you can build some strength.

Diet you can clean up immediately, I would focus on that while you work on getting back to some basic level of fitness.

Don't even worry about your relationship and your wife's behavior. Don't write her. Don't share your feelings. Don't next her.

You need to focus on digging yourself out of this hole. The rest will come later.

Go forth and be a little more awesome every day. It's going to be a long journey, but you can do it.

[–]Bobsfreestuff1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Go to the gym. Read the side bar. Thats all. Just do that and then repeat. Fix yourself. Then she will stop being a cunt or you will next her. Does not matter which because you build an outstanding life for yourself in the process.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Focus on yourself. You say you are lifting. How is your diet?

[–]TheDers79[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Getting better.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What the hell does that mean? Stop doing damage control to your image. If you're eating twinkies then say so, we'll call you a fatass, then you can choose to acknowledge what's wrong and stop, or continue stuffing your face.

[–]TheDers79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I understand you think that given most men, but even with my slight weight gain, I'm a fine specimen of a man. Thank you.

No Twinkie ever goes in this bod lol

[–]TheDers79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've seen that. And hey, way to go.. Leading by example. Since taking control of my diet, I've been eating a healthy intake of good proteins. I'm also a classically trained chef, so I know about foods and how to cook them

[–]TheDers79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is solid advice. Thank you

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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