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Explosive AM (self.askMRP)

submitted by Venge97RI

Hey all - just checking in on this one , not sure what the best way to handle it is.

GF has to get up this AM to take her Grandmother to run some errands. asks me to pick up a coffee while she's getting dressed and some food for the kids. she'll order on the app and i'll just go in and get it.

She orders , i head to pick it up.. and boom only 1/2 the order is there , some technical issue. I dont have a copy of what she ordered, so i call , get her in the shower and shes all yelling WTF.. i try to order what i can hear. and get home

All hell breaks loose and she is losing her shit..im a pussy , i cant handle a simple task, im a pushover and will take whatver they give me, fuck me , im an asshole i dont care about anyone else etc....

i'm just like really its fucking coffee and donuts, im not taking your shit for the store fucking up when i dont know what you ordered.

really not sure how to handle something like this.. told her im tired of this shit , she wants it , she can go and get it and deal with the stores fuck-ups there.

just seems to be the opposite of how i deal with things , you know there is a risk of a messed up order , but i dont rant and rave about it , if it happens and personally attack my partner for somone elses mistake

she then stormed off slamming doors and yelling on the way out..

im considering cancelling a dinner i planned with her tonight and just saying fuck it , if this is how your gonna be , i dont want to spend my money on that kind of night

not like im not taking care of shit around the house..hell yesterday i successfully had a legal matter against us dismissed and re-negotiated a lease on our place.

Ideas?? Comments??

Edit its not a stock order, she cycles through a few different drinks, so its not like i should know how she takes her coffee . the orders vary each time


[–]creating_my_life14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

GF has to get up this AM to take her Grandmother to run some errands.

What a good granddaughter. not your issue.

asks me to pick up a coffee while she's getting dressed and some food for the kids. she'll order on the app and i'll just go in and get it.

She used "the kids" as leverage for you to be her manservant. Gotta be careful with this one. If she asked you to JUST get coffee for her, that's a test. However, you gotta take care of your kids, so she bundled this one wisely. You're playing with a master.

She orders , i head to pick it up.. and boom only 1/2 the order is there , some technical issue.

Not your problem.

I dont have a copy of what she ordered, so i call , get her in the shower and shes all yelling WTF.. i try to order what i can hear. and get home

Sounds like a responsible attempt to solve the problem at hand.

All hell breaks loose and she is losing her shit..

She's allowed to lose her shit. You're allowed to not give a fuck (DNGAF) and leave the room.

im a pussy , i cant handle a simple task, im a pushover and will take whatver they give me, fuck me , im an asshole i dont care about anyone else etc....

It's surprising you heard all that. You should have walked out. Staying to listen to the tirade is empowering her.

i'm just like really its fucking coffee and donuts, im not taking your shit for the store fucking up when i dont know what you ordered.

What you didn't hear was, "I have a golden pussy and I fucking settled for you. You've put on 30 pounds and no other woman wants to fuck you so why should I? I should have fucked the pool boy last week or married the guy who's now a dentist. Then I'd be driving a mercedes. Instead I settled for your ass and you don't even fuck me hard."

told her im tired of this shit ,

Words are a woman's domain. Actions are a man's domain. Don't fight with her weapons. She's better than you.

she wants it , she can go and get it and deal with the stores fuck-ups there.

Save this for next time. "Get coffee for me." "Can't. Busy."

just seems to be the opposite of how i deal with things , you know there is a risk of a messed up order , but i dont rant and rave about it , if it happens and personally attack my partner for somone elses mistake she then stormed off slamming doors and yelling on the way out..

She testing to see how much of a pussy you are. Seems like you're a pussy.

im considering cancelling a dinner i planned with her tonight

I would. I don't reward bad behavior.

and just saying fuck it , if this is how your gonna be , i dont want to spend my money on that kind of night not like im not taking care of shit around the house..

Don't say. Do. Cancel dinner. Leave the house. Go to the gym. Start a project at home. MAKE YOUR OWN DINNER TONIGHT, heck even for wife and kids. Make it simple. When she says, "isn't it time to get ready for dinner?" You say, "cancelled." DO NOT FOR A FUCKING MOMENT EXPLAIN WHY. She's a smart girl. She'll get it.

hell yesterday i successfully had a legal matter against us dismissed and re-negotiated a lease on our place.

You're prioritizing "us" over "you". Put "you" number 1.

Ideas?? Comments??

You're a pussy and not leading your marriage. This whole note was about HER and how you can't even get goddamn coffee FOR HER. Man the fuck up.

Edit its not a stock order, she cycles through a few different drinks, so its not like i should know how she takes her coffee .

She should know how YOU like YOUR coffee. Get it?

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Excellent breakdown.

She should know how YOU like YOUR coffee. Get it?

That's the prize mentality. When it's actually true (for all things not just coffee) she does see you as the prize.

[–]redandswollen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with the breakdown, except for the cancelling dinner and legal matter.

In terms of dinner, yeah, you could cancel and not reward bad behavior, but it comes off as butthurt too often unless the man has an iron frame and has been consistently enforcing boundaries. He's being reactive in response to his wife's shittiness.

I'd let her know that her behavior was inappropriate, but stick to my plans because I don't let shitty women change my plans.

And the legal matter-- I'm all for men being more assertive and learning to make themselves a priority, but if you do that too much you end up with legal matters unsettled, a higher lease payment, and every other weekend visitation.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

im an asshole i dont care about anyone else etc....

Yep, but I'm an asshole with two coffees now. <Walks out the door.>

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I guess thats her last coffee from you.

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

hahahahaha.

yeah right.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You're completely backwards on the proper response. You should have poured the coffee in the sink, thrown the donuts in the trash, and tell her "OK, you had better get it yourself then" and immediately leave for work. But then carry on with your dinner plans as if nothing that happened earlier had any effect on your frame (which of course it shouldn't).

It's a pussy move to take that kind of shit from her when you're doing her a favor, and it's a pussy move to carry over feeeelingz and a grudge from an earlier interaction. Alphas respond immediately to bad behavior, and move on. They don't have time or fucks to waste dwelling on the past.

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

this FR seems similar to what i posted, just orders of magnitude different in scale and completely different in handling.

You should have poured the coffee in the sink, thrown the donuts in the trash, and tell her "OK, you had better get it yourself then" and immediately leave for work.

Yup. Except I wouldn't have left if I didn't need to. If I had to be somewhere, I probably wouldn't have done it unless it was very high importance.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

this FR seems similar to what i posted

Yes; here's the link to that post. They are very similar, as both involve responding to disrespect from someone for whom you're doing a favor. Given that the recommended responses by the n00bs to essentially the same type of shit test were mostly so different between the two posts, it seems worthwhile to clarify further.

Both the similarities and differences are instructive.

Similarities:

  • Both cases involve disrespect from someone for whom you're doing a favor.

  • The appropriate response in both cases is to enforce a boundary of not tolerating disrespect from someone when doing them a favor.

  • The boundary is best enforced by immediately withdrawing the favor while making the boundary clear. The favor having been not yet done in /u/weakandsensitive's case, it is withdrawn by immediately halting the assistance; in the case here, the favor is most easily withdrawn by destroying the fetched goods.

  • Once the boundary is enforced and clarified, no further response is needed.

Differences:

  • The disrespect shown is orders of magnitude greater in this post. This shows that /u/Venge97RI's wife has no respect for him nor fear of consequences for bad behavior, whereas /u/weakandsensitive's wife has great respect for him.

But except for the magnitude of disrespect shown, the fundamental issue is essentially the same, as is the appropriate response.

 

Except I wouldn't have left if I didn't need to.

Agreed.

Don't be afraid to cause discomfort in the relationship when warranted.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

..im a pussy , i cant handle a simple task, im a pushover and will take whatver they give me, fuck me

lol.

bye

for clarification , leave and come back in about a week.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

In my experience a girl freaks out at least 2-3 times a month so if you leave for a week every time that can't be good.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (14 children) | Copy Link

So when you get called a useless pussy, you reward this with more of your time ?

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

snowball -> avalanche.

i've been thinking about your ego question and haven't had a good way of describing it. best i can say is ego = externally influenced behavior/action. boundary = internally influenced behavior/action.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy Link

Interesting. Ego is a sum total of " you". We use ego incorrectly most of the time to mean " self view not justified by achievement "

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy Link

feels like that definition is so comprehensive to be meaningless.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy Link

https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/ego

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-knowledge/201306/the-elements-ego-functioning

A more modern conception that is certainly related to Freud’s is to consider the ego as the self-consciousness system. The self-consciousness system is the narrating portion of human consciousness that reflects on one’s thoughts, feelings and actions and inhibits or legitimizes them to one’s self and to others. In this sense, ego is very similar to what is meant by the term identity, and ego functioning refers to the components of the self-consciousness system that relate directly to mental health.

I draw a distinction between legitimizing to one's self vs. to others.

It is subtle separated from identitfy (which you refer to as sum of self).

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

legitimizing to one's self vs. to others.

if you are legitimizing differently to yourself vs to others for any reason other than tactics, you are either lying to yourself, or to them. Its not very congruent.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

i guess i shouldn't have used the word legitimizing even though that's what the article used.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

right.. and feminism = women's rights.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

something older if it makes you feel better :

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_eimi

[–]WikiTextBot-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ego eimi

ego eimi (Ancient Greek: ἐγώ εἰμί Greek pronunciation: [eɡɔ̌ː eːmí]) "I am", "I exist", is the first person singular present tense of the verb "to be" in ancient Greek. The use of this phrase in some of the uses found in the Gospel of John is given theological significance by many Christians.

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[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

How come no one asked whose kids they were?

Seems like important info.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I dont have a copy of what she ordered, so i call

Should have just ordered whatever you thought was needed. When you get home, she's upset because its wrong? She can deal.

All hell breaks loose and she is losing her shit..im a pussy , i cant handle a simple task, im a pushover and will take whatver they give me, fuck me , im an asshole i dont care about anyone else etc...

Catch you later. out the door

im considering cancelling a dinner i planned with her tonight and just saying fuck it , if this is how your gonna be , i dont want to spend my money on that kind of night

Do whatever you feel like doing, but don't blame her for your choice. Its your life, own it.

[–]weakandsensitive3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

the one thing everyone reading this FR should realize is that this type of shitty behavior doesn't just pop out of nowhere.

no person all of a sudden goes from well mannered to total cunt. it's the boiling a frog in hot water thing.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

How would you react if your 9 year old daughter threw a hissy fit?

Do that.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

One time, like 6+ years ago, I "planted trees in the wrong place". I planted them exactly where I said I was going to plant them. She thought they were inches in the wrong direction and I got wicked butthurt about it. I used to always make the mistake of engaging her ridiculous assertions, like she was worthy of me entertaining them. Funny how it never resolved anything...

[–]war_drunk2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What led up to her calling you a pussy? My girl calls me plenty of things, but most assuredly not a pussy. There's backstory to this, and it ain't good. Forget about handling this 'incident', get back to basics and work on leading.

[–]creating_my_life4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This guy probably hasn't made a decision for himself since their second date.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Take leadership- tell her what you order, and say you will pick it up.

You are in her frame under her leadership. Fix that, and all the other BS fades away.

[–]TaistoKarhu2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It seems like your GF is running the show. I think you should work to reach a place where you know what and how the kids need for breakfast. She can worry about her granny. As the saying goes, imagine if you led a single life without her, and do that. In a while you can tell her to order breakfast with the app when you need that and wonder what to do with her later that night if she fucked up the order somehow.

Personally, I'm still struggling with it as my wife is and always has been an organization crazy woman, but when I get ahead of her for a day I know that's how it shoulda be. I get a good feeling for having the steering wheel all day for myself and she feels good for being able to just help me out. It aint easy, but thats how it should be.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Buy a coffee machine. Problem solved.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Checked your history. You've been lurking for at least a year. By now you should be far enough along that this sort of thing doesn't even come up. As of last year, you said you were not lifting because you wanted to focus on finances.

So, do you even lift?

[–]CaptainJackSorrow0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

"If this is your idea of problem solving in a relationship, then either you need to re-evaluate your communication skills or I need to re-evaluate my choice of girlfriends."

[–]Venge97RI[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

This was probably the best idea - should have done this from the beginning.

If this was a normal workday i would have done what u\man_in_the_world said and just left for work. But this being Saturday morning i had plans as well that i couldn't just leave at that point.

The rest of the day went along , but i was just distant and didn't really want to deal with her.

we did end up going to dinner , but what was gonna be just the 2 of us , turned into 3, came home , watched a movie, bed and shes snoring 3 seconds later.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Excuses.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The important part was pouring the coffee in the sink, not leaving.

Don't be afraid to cause discomfort in the relationship when warranted.

[–]red-pill-man0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You went out for an ordered breakfast? Pussy.

[–]HangingSalami0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Whoa this LTR is a train wreck. Dude...never get her shit. WTF are you a puppy dog? Next time tell her to let you fuck her in the ass first!

[–]InvincibleKraken0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Look, you write this FR like this is the first time this happened and you are completely blown away by it and taken aback and have no clue where it came from or what to do. The reality is, this happens to you often, and probably daily. Perhaps even multiple times each day.

The issue is boundaries. You have exactly zero boundaries in your relationship. So, you get what you deserve. In fact, you get what you've trained her to give.

What do you do? Exactly what you said--but with some teeth. So you pick up her order, it's wrong, she takes it out on you, calls you names, screams and yells, you put the food on the counter and leave the house. Just walk out. Don't reply to texts, don't answer the phone, go and do something for yourself, and when you return, STFU about where you were and what you were doing. Ask her how her breakfast was, what her plans for the day, i.e., act as though nothing was wrong. If she throws a fit again, do the same thing.

Get your ego in check. No one cares that you re-negotiated a lease. Where else are you failing? She sees each and every one of those failures.

Then, begin setting personal boundaries. Whether you communicate them to her or not is up to you, but you have to set them and be clear about them in your own mind and follow through with them.

You said this is your girlfriend? Why do guys keep putting themselves through this crap for women they aren't even legally attached to? Have you considered you can move on? Just move on. Except that you have low self-esteem, you "need" her, and you're still stuck on one-itis. But that's a whole other problem.

[–]tslextslex0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a parody post, right?

Because, if not, someone needs a spanking.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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