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Did I handle this right? What would have been better? (self.askMRP)

submitted by hellome99

Wife and I were hosting a family BBQ since the weather has gotten better in the Midwest. I was grilling and my wife was making the side dishes. She is a perfectionist when it comes to hosting family outings/family coming over.

She starts scanning our inventory and is upset to see we don't have any poppy seed buns. I laughed it off and mentioned how her family is getting a free meal so they'll have to deal with it. Que to her getting pissy and asking me to run to the store and grab them. I refused and then she got even more pissed. Complaining about how it's such a simple task, I responded with that she should have no problem doing it then.

She did do it, then proceeded to act cold to me the whole time and tried to let me have it when we went to sleep. I STFU'd and said hope she enjoyed the BBQ, kissed her cheek and went to sleep.

Well today she has texted me and told me she doesn't appreciate not doing this one favor for her and that she's still upset over it. Keep in mind I was still not done preparing the food and did not see a need for some damn poppy seed buns. I believe it was a shit test.

My biggest problem pre-rp was doing stuff for her on demand, I have stopped that to a large degree and she said she's sick of me acting like a jerk lately.


[–]myrpjourney13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She is used to years of you being her servant. You have moved her cheese and she doesn't like it and is throwing the teenage temper tantrum. Hold your frame; the second you start DEERing and engaging her on this, you lose.

You have a long way to go to demonstrate to her things have changed. She is doing everything she can to keep her servant serving her. Who can blame her? I want a servant!

[–]plein_old6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I laughed it off

Did you laugh it off in a playful, happy way?

Or did you laugh in a slightly malicious, "let's have a power struggle" way?

I responded with that she should have no problem doing it then

This sounds like arguing. Or "defend, excuse, rationalize" type of stuff.

What would have been better?

It sounds like your wife is intepreting your words and actions as you saying you would love to have a showdown with her, like a nuclear showdown. lol. There's something about your words or demeanor that is giving off this vibe, based on your wife's reaction.

Perhaps there is a way to not be a pushover, but also not provoke people's anger at the same time...

[–]RPJMRP3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You handled it fine. Your mistake is having a problem with her being upset with you for not complying with her request. Essentially she is upset you aren't "acting" like her little bitch anymore.

Is this a problem for you? That she is upset with you not going to the store?

I say "acting" because you are obviously still solidly in her frame.

I don't know how far you are in your path. I don't know your goals or vision.

Proceed in the manner that best serves whatever kind of life you want to create. Take your time, stfu when necessary, keep your goals as the cerntral motivator of your actions and remember this shit doesn't happen over night. It takes time to become a high-value man. Good luck.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

So, when you went shopping for stuff for the BBQ - did you or she put those things on the list?

Is it a common thing for her to want them?

It is indeed a simple task. the problem is that she came at you to help her.

So, who is the host of the BBQ, you , the head of household, or her, the head of household.

[–]resolutions3161 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm curious about this post.

It is indeed a simple task. the problem is that she came at you to help her.

Are you saying he should have gone to the store? Admittedly, if he forgot them in the first place, yes - he needs to own his shit. But assuming that wasn't the case...

Are you saying that, as head of the household, that shit is on him, and he should have just figured it out? What's the difference between that (framed as leadership/taking ownership) and just doing whatever his wife wants him to do (beta behavior)?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Context is key.

In my world as I have set it up now, I am Head of house. So, if WE are prepping for a get together and lets say her task is go to store and get stuff - it will go roughly like this :

She forgot to get it. She realizes it last minute. She asks me to please help her. I will go get what ever it is because she is owning her mistake, and unless I am doing something more important at the time, and she is also doing something that can't wait, I will go get it. Because my FO missed it, she asked me to help her, nicely.

If she orders me, or tells me that what ever I am doing is less important, or she has a shitty attitude about it, of course I will not go do it unless I think its important.

Does that make more sense?

[–]resolutions3160 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup, absolutely.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm happy to do things for my wife if she isn't a cunt. (I can't recall her ever being a cunt). If she thinks she can get me to do things by being a cunt, hahahaha - we both know this. Hell, if she's asking for something and I'll make her say please if she forgets.

But I will always ask, for things like that "Do you want me to do it or do you want to do it?" or "I don't feel like doing it. How important is it to you that I do it?" The question for you here is who's making the decision on who's going to pick it up. Is it me or is it my wife?

[–]tim_rp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

/u/hellome99 THIS is the post you need to absorb. You know your mindset isn't quite right. Here's why.

[–]CaptJohnLukeDiscard4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm reminded of this article by Neil Gaiman. She is used to you being her bitch. It sounds like she wanted you to drop everything you were doing, go get something for her, and be snappy about it. My advice? Continue to ignore it, change the subject, etc. If she keeps on for days and days on end, respond with something to the effect of "this is really overblown" and then go about your way.

Chances are high that it isn't really about this. It's about her fear and concern about the new way you are acting. Stay the course and things will settle down.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well today she has texted me

Tell me you didn't respond.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ler her be upset as long as she wants, as long as you dont let it affect you. She is prob used to you running to do her errands and fixing her feels, so she wants it to continue and will shit test about it to see if your changes are permanent or just something that will pass soon. "Im upset, do something about it!"

Response to her text: "Ok babe. Whats for dinner tonight"?

[–]Griever1141 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You did everything right. She was being a child.

You are not her servant anymore and she is seeing the power struggle.

Press on.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

"My biggest problem pre-rp was doing stuff for her on demand, I have stopped that to a large degree and she said she's sick of me acting like a jerk lately."

Remember that the perfectionism in her demanding the poppy seed buns was self induced, and when you stop, and think with a rational decision making process, this is truly shit. This, along with you being told to get the buns is another drama dynamic induced by her hamster that everything thing has to be so Fuck it, they are there to see you guys. The end

At some point you have to realize you cannot be everybody's bitch all the time Everyone is somebody's bitch, but to what extent is the key

Texting is for logistics and the best thing you can do is arrive @ home with a huge smile on your face, like you never saw it

Well, since it wasn't logistic related, it was irrelevant Correct ?

I got a great gift for you to give her from you, "First Kill All the Marriage Counselors"

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Too much talking and explaining.

You should experiment with giving concise directions to her; think of her as a courier.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I believe it was a shit test

You would be correct. Deep down, women want you to pass the shit test though. Hold strong and continue along those lines. She will except it over time as you internalize a stronger frame.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you didn't think you needed poppy seed buns and she thought she needed poppy seed buns, then getting poppy seed buns is her problem, not your's.

You have conditioned her over "x" years to expect her demands be met. These things take time. STFU is a good tool here.

Example: we hosted a bbq on Saturday. I made a last trip to the grocery store and asked if anything else was needed. Upon my return, she said "baby, don't be mad but I need you to go to the department store to get those chairs". She was walking on egg shells because she should have reminded me. In reality I said I would get those chairs on Saturday the day before. I should have remembered. I said "you finish doing x, y, z and I'll run grab them".

Pre MRP, she would have chewed me out when I returned without the chiars. She now knows that there is no fucking way I would get those chiars if she came at me in that manner.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

but I need you to go to the department

hahaha. i love playing this game with my wife.

"Need?"

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm glad I was able to learn your wifes feelz over the course of 4 paragraphs.

she said she's sick of me acting like a jerk lately.

okay and? you've stated the problem. let's talk solution.

[–]TexasThomas0 points1 point  (25 children) | Copy Link

wow....the way I see it all this was totally unnecessary. Your wife asking you to go buy buns was not a shit test, she wasn't disrespecting you, she wasn't taking advantage of you, etc...it was just a simple request. Women like to entertain, they like to have people over and they often rush around beforehand and get nervous (like my wife) -- and they like everything to be perfect. Let her have her fun. Instead you ruined it. For what?...for getting buns. What if you had innocently asked her to go do something for you -- and she refused?...just because.....sorry man...bad move. Unnecessary

[–]RPJMRP1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

"instead you ruined it."

hahaha. He didn't ruin anything. He isn't responsible for her emotions. Especially emotions over bread she forgot to get for her event that women "like to be perfect."

[–]TexasThomas0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Heaven forbid he ever forget something and ask her to help him out. Just switch roles. Imagine your wife refusing to help you when asked. Just because. Doesn't even matter what it is. Sorry, still say that's a bad move.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thomas, you're lost here.

He didn't say no "just because".

He was grilling the meat (aka cooking the most important of food for all guests). There were seedless buns available to be used at the house.

You tell me. What's more important, seeds on a bun or feeding your guests raw meat and chicken?

She forgot something that in her words, "is such a simple task". So what does she do? She expected OP to sprint out the door and get her some seeded buns like he was running for a gold medal. If it was so simple, as she stated, then she could have simply done it without complaints.

He was handling his shit, she was trying to take advantage.

You're missing the entire picture here.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Just switch roles. Imagine your wife refusing to help you when asked having a dick to fuck you with. Just because.

That was a fun game. Let's play again soon.

[–]TexasThomas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

How old are we, 4?

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That seems like a big covert contract...because I ask for something if she refuses, I stay mad at her for a couple days?

Let's switch roles-

me: wife, we are out of ice, can you grab some?

wife: theres ice in the back freezer. I have to watch this dish im making for the party, i cant go to store.

me: but that ice in the back isnt the type of ice i want, its a simple request.

wife: then it should be easy for you to go get the ice you want.

me: im gonna piss and moan for 2 days because you didnt get the type of ice i wanted when i wanted it because you were cooking for my family like i initially asked you to.

Sorry bud, I'm failing to find empathy for your position in this argument.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This.

I can't fathom how this isn't being easily digested???

[–]WesternhagenWinner1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He was cooking. She invented an imaginary problem (doubtless there were buns of some kind, which would have been good enough). If she wanted poppy seed buns, "I'm cooking, you go get them if you think we need them" was a reasonable reaction. If the event was ruined due to her preposterous overreaction to him refusing to leap into action when she invented a problem, that's on her not him.

[–]RPJMRP-1 points0 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

There is a fault in your thinking. Look at the words you use to describe her thought, emotions and actions. You are actually DEERing her behavior. If you had a strong stance here, you could argue your point without words like "just" or "innocently."

Her intent or the fact that she made the request are not a problem. Her behavior after the fact is the problem. Just like his denial to her request isn't a problem. It is his considering her unreasonable response to his denial in any light other than foolishness.

Women do not intend to shit test. It is in their nature to do so. Her request may or may not have been a shit test. Her reaction to his denial is a shit test.

[–]TexasThomas1 point2 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

Her intent or the fact that she made the request are not a problem. Her behavior after the fact is the problem.

I agree with that. I think she probably overreacted in a childish way, but that's a different issue. The issue is did "he" do the right thing. As you said, there was nothing wrong with her request...thus...if there was nothing wrong with her request, then he refused to do it for no good reason. Sometimes we husbands need to do things for our wives because we love them and want to help. Doing so doesn't make us betas wimps, it just makes us reasonable humans. If your mom had asked you to go get buns would you do it? Of course...doesn't matter if seeded-buns seemed necessary to you or not, you'd help your mom out. It's called being a decent person.

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

I disagree.

If anyone, man or woman, asks me to do something, big or small, it does not mean I must agree to be considered a decent human being. I do not feel guilty saying no. I'm not concerned with qualifying my answer to their request. It has nothing to do with Beta or Alpha or any other label.

Do you have the right to be inherently angry at someone for their not doing something you request of them regardless of the situation?

Take it a step further- I said there was nothing wrong with her making the request, and you drew the conclusion that since there is nothing wrong with her making the request than that means there should be nothing wrong with him accepting the request. Thus he should have accepted the request.

Why? Her ideals and emotions always align with his own? We know that is patently false. Isn't this MRP101? Men hold the keys to commitment and women hold the keys to sex? Isn't the fact that our ideals, women and men, do not align the reason we are all here? Just because there is nothing wrong with her making a request doesn't mean there is something wrong with his refusing a request.

[–]TexasThomas1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

funny...I literally just got done putting a closet door back on that had fallen out and needed new screws. My wife bought the screws today and wanted to clean out the closet to make room for some of my daughter's things....this is something she could've done (hung the closet door)...but she asked me to help her...(aka do it.) I didn't really want to because it's been a long day.....but I did it anyway. Because I love her and want to help her if possible.

Sure, nobody wants to be taken advantage of or used as a doormat or manipulated, but sometimes being a good husband, or brother or son for that matter, requires that you help people even when you don't feel like it. The people on this forum, in many cases, are allowing RP to take the humanness out of them...it is not manly to be unkind, unhelpful or not friendly.....RP is about helping men be the best they can be. You ask 100 wives if they'd be attracted to a guy who refused to help them (such as going to buy buns at the last minute) and I'll show you 99 who wouldn't be impressed by a man who acts like an ass just because he can.

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

We won't find common ground on this argument. You believe there is something wrong with him denying a request. I don't.

I think you assigning "human decency" or an illustration of love to agreeing to a simple request is a subtle form of manipulation. I think people inadvertently use this type of reasoning when it suits them. His wife is using this type of reasoning.

Agree to disagree.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You just got here and are uninitiated. If you read the sidebar, especially NMMNG, you might find the pill. Whether you swallow or not is the question.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's a GIANT difference between you being asked to put up a door while you're sitting around relaxing, doing nothing, after a long day, and being asked to leave the house to go get something that you already have, while you're busy cooking the main course of the entire feast.

Not all situations are the same.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Because I love her and want to help her if possible.

hahahahahahahahaha. you are cute as a button.

[–]TexasThomas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, real men help women. Real men love their wives.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

If my mom pulled that mess and lost her mind over wanting poppy seed buns, I'd give her a constant stream of shit about it for the next few years.

My first visit back to the well would come after I waited a few weeks so it's not fresh....then when we're all having a family meal, it would go something like this...

Hey Mom...you're on your death bed...I'm there holding your hand....a single tear is streaming down my cheek...I'm gonna lean and whisper the last words you'll hear from me....what will I say, Mom?

She'll say something sarcastic...because she knows I'm an asshole...she raised me and all. That and she's the Queen Bee of shit tests...

I'd say, "Close but wrong...I'd say this... Momma...I have something for you...it's very important...it's going to make everything better...that's right...poppy seed buns. I finally got the poppy seed buns you wanted momma. They're right here. Have some. Don't die...eat some poppy seed buns...

And it would be fantastic and she would laugh because she's knows making a big deal about the lack of poppy seeds on a bun WITH ME is dumb.

[–]TexasThomas1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Nope. The issue is not about the wife's reaction, which indeed was childish, but rather the husband's refusal to help her out by going to the store in the first place. For no reason. If he had a really good reason, (sick, busy, whatever) fine. But he was clearly just being an ass unnecessarily. I can see why so many marriages here are on the rocks.

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You need to go back and re-take Shit Tests 101.

Every shit test involves a woman "asking for help".

Passing the shit test always involves "refusing to help". Women will always try to break your frame by casting your "refusal to help" as "being an ass unnecessarily".

This was a classic shit test. She tried to get him to do something he didn't need to do to see if he would bend to her will. He passed with flying colors. Her subsequent disgruntlement does not alter that.

For no reason. If he had a really good reason, (sick, busy, whatever) fine.

Can you read? He did have a good reason. He was busy cooking. And "we don't need to make a special trip just for poppy seed buns" is also a really good reason.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Thomas, work on reading comprehension.

He wasn't sitting around twiddling his thumbs. He was busy cooking the most important portion of the entire BBQ.

He was cooking the food, that his wife asked him to cook, for her family that SHE invited over.

You're here acting like she asked him to reach 2 feet to the left and grab a tissue, to which he proceeded to say no then kick her wuddle kitty kat to further drive the point home.

[–]TexasThomas0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Well clearly nobody in their right mind would ask someone who's in the middle of cooking meat to stop everything and run to the store right then. That's ludicrous. Totally Illogical. She may have thought, or there may have been, some other time he could go.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You keep justifying and making up excuses. Whatever gets you off.

Simple facts =

  1. He was cooking, for her party, for her family.

  2. They already had buns.

  3. Those buns weren't good enough for wife.

  4. Wife stated it's so simple to just run and get newer buns.

  5. Wife doesn't do simple thing and flips on husband about it.

Anything else is moot. Again, you keep doing you though.

[–]TexasThomas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

He didn't actually say they already had buns. And it's not an excuse. I'm just trying to read between the lines and assume that the wife is not totally and stupidly illogical. (Yes I do know it happens sometimes) but...Why would she get so pissed off for two days if he physically couldn't go get the buns because he was cooking? Nothing about this story makes sense, as told.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good points.

I have some toe cheese. I have a hard time bending over to remove my toe cheese. I'll be in Texas next week on business. Can you remove my toe cheese?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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