How do you handle being undermined while trying to discipline children? I feel like I'm stuck between two shit tests and the only way to pass one is to fail the other.

anythinginc · 2017-03-24T14:59:29+00:00

Two things tell me you are pretty fucking stupid.

Here's 1

We have a three year old and he's a walking shit test right now

Here's 2

his #1 goal in life is to test me right now.

You're being bested by a toddler. Think about that. Pathetic. How about start with working with your wife on how you both are going to handle these situations so you have some passing chance of providing a united front.

BrazilRedPill · 2017-03-24T18:35:51+00:00

To the bitch: Don't take out my authority. It's with me now (her: but...). No but. Now it's me and the kid. You just listen (her: but...). I don't care, you do your way when you want, it's my way now. So watch me (her: but...). Enough of this. I will take the kid to the bedroom and it will be only me and him. Just listen (lock the door and do your education).

To the kid: It's me and you now. Don't call for mama. You have to set things up with me and only me now. We are going to count up to 200. If you are quiet in the end you are free to go, otherwise we count again, untill I say so (put him on a chair, sit in front of him, hold his legs and slowly count untill 200. No emotions. Loop untill he is quiet. After that, explain what he did wrong, why he shouldn't do it, kiss, hug and high five him).

SteelToeShitKicker · 2017-03-24T17:50:39+00:00

Mommy, go to your room.

I don't use that one often, but at the right time, and if you have enough respect, it works like a charm.

alphabeta49 · 2017-03-24T18:59:13+00:00

Two things.

1) Your kid isn't testing you. He's exploring the world, and that includes what happens when he shits in the pot vs. doesn't shit in the pot. That's a harmful mindset because you're expecting resistance when in reality he's just exploring cause and effect. Amused mastery FTW.

2) I've dealt with my wife interrupting my time with my kids, and I've interrupted my wife's time with my kids too. When we weren't in the middle of a situation and we could both be rational, we agreed to let the other correct the kid and not interfere unless there's physical harm being done. Any disagreement can be brought up later in debriefing. This helped with the interrupting issue and also helped the kid know that daddy and mommy were on the same team. United front sorta thing. Have you talked with your wife about this when there wasn't a current situation in progress?

Ok, three things.

3) You must earn your child's respect. Your "daddy" title does not automatically give you this, although you seem to have the impression it does. Relying on the title that you contributed a bunch of cheap sperm to attain is weak.

ReddJive · 2017-03-24T15:00:40+00:00

What you have here is a bratty First Officer that's getting no leadership from her Captain. You came stomping in making demands that your authority be respected more then the mission. Which you haven't very clearly communicated. Like your autistic newb with the family dinner issue.

What's you standard here? What's the intent? is the intent just to piss everyone off? Because that's clearly working.

One of the few times sitting her down and talking is now. When you communicate the family standard and you don't do it over a 4 hour discussion it is simply, in private,

"hey girl, I expect this....." and then lay it out. She may not like it but she will respect it. Communicate the intent of what you want.

ie. Kid potty trained.

HOW that happens should really be irrelevant as long as it happens.

BobbyPeru · 2017-03-25T05:38:00+00:00

You are being reactive.

Reactive = BP

Proactive = RP / leadership

Have strategy meetings with your wife and discuss where you can improve. Specifically, address a unified front, without being passive aggressive. Approach it with a positive attitude and ask/ listen for her input.

This is what leaders do.

Right now, your lack of leadership has created 2 toddlers in the house.

Sidebar.

A_Rex · 2017-03-24T15:20:32+00:00

use MRP lessons on the kid. Amused Mastery works wonders for that age. Create boundaries, and enforce them in an even, consistent, business-like fashion. My 3 year old acts up? She gets one warning. Does it again? Immediate time out. Zero emotion on my part, all professional. I then ask her to explain why she got a timeout. I then tell her if she does this same thing again, next time is a time out AND a toy is taken away for the day. Do it. Be consistent. Do not get angry or emotional at their horseshit - that's what they want, they want to impose their will on you. Be above that.

Now for wife. You need to sit her down one night and explain that the kid tests her so much because she responds to the test directly, acknowledging its validity. This is the only time I've ever schooled my wife in red pill philosophy. I told her that the reason daughter always tests her and almost never tests me is not out of fear - it is out of respect for the fact that I will not tolerate a boundary crossed, I will not stoop to her level by acknowledging or attempting to placate a temper tantrum, and I will not let it phase me in the slightest no matter how annoyed I get, because if daughter sees that, she won the power struggle.

It's taken a while but wife has caught on. Also, wife must know that any threats to discipline the child must be carried out 100%, immediately, every time, no waivering, no watering it down. In this vein, never, ever, threaten a punishment that will not be carried out immediately or very shortly (like, don't say "we won't go to Disney World if you don't eat your dinner - too long a time horizon, and you aren't canceling a vacation, so don't make retarded unenforceable threats).

Finally, you and wife must present a unified front. If one decides to discipline but the other disagrees, disagreement will be reserved for later discussion after punishment is completed and out of child's earshot. Support the decision for the time being, discuss future handling later (unless it's particularly egregious, like wife loses her shit and starts beating the kid).

Thrice-Locked · 2017-03-24T17:46:49+00:00

Holy shit. You've let this situation get out of hand. 3 years old and not potty trained? Put the little one in underwear and tell him to use the potty from now on. When he soils himself, don't get mad, just say "awe man,now we have to clean you". Take undies off and put his little butt under Cold bath water/garden hose outside. The goal is to make him wet and uncomfortable from the waist down for at least 30 seconds. Problem solved.

gettingmymojoback · 2017-03-24T15:20:04+00:00

Unpopular opinion these days but when I see these "my toddler is a walking shit storm who doesn't listen" posts the first thought I have is "want to know how I can tell you don't spank your kids?"

I know that the politically correct way of child rearing is to never spank your kids, but my personal thoughts are "fuck that". Thankfully my wife was on the same page.

If you're doing it right, the discipline progression should be set expectations, give warning expectation is not being met, removal of rewards (favorite toy, game time etc), time out, then a spank on the ass. Occasionally, one spank on the ass early can put a quick end to bad behavior without all the other steps. Use your judgement.

Caveat, this does NOT mean beat your kids or be a controlling dick to them. This means that occasionally if junior refuses to sit at the table with pants on and eat his dinner, that the option to put him in the corner, followed up by a swat on the ass if he still refuses to behave exists.

If done correctly, you shouldn't have to do this at all past the age of 5-6, and MAYBE one or two dozen times before that. No, I don't believe you can negotiate or explain to a toddler WHY they need to listen to you. Just that they NEED to. I personally don't think it makes sense to remove one of the best tools (used sparingly) out of your toolbox.

Or I could be talking out my ass. All I know is that all the families I know who can't get their kids to listen DO NOT spank ever.

As for the wife, it's as simple as get on the same page first rather than trying to deal with these differences on the fly. That shit doesn't work.

Westernhagen · 2017-03-24T16:12:07+00:00

I don't remember potty training being a "shit test" - i.e., deliberately disobeying in order to see if parental boundaries are firm. Kids genuinely wanted to achieve the objective of being potty trained - they did not "resist" this - but accidents happened as expected. They'd get upset and then it'd be all about parents remaining calm while cleaning up the mess and not making a big deal out of it.

A_Rex has it covered on maintaining united front with wife.

ReddJive · 2017-03-24T17:09:12+00:00

What the heck has been going on here lately. It seems like groups of 2-3 posts hit within the same day about the same topic. Are you guys reading other posts or just posting and not putting any work in?

BluepillProfessor · 2017-03-27T02:23:39+00:00

I will leave it right there:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBkSIFMTMoE

Aechzen · 2017-03-31T02:50:58+00:00

What would you do?

Tell her to walk around the block, or leave the house.

I've had to set boundaries like this with the wife, for the same reasons you need to set boundaries with your wife.

I've taken a solo dad vacation with the kids for a week. I know how to handle the kids. When she undermines me, she gets harsh words from me. I don't usually recommend writing a letter to your wife, but I did, about this. Because it happened more than once, and she would go into a mom-craze mode where she was immune to rationality and I couldn't fix her emotions in real-time.

She can either fully take over, and leave me out of it, or she can let me do things my way, and back the hell off. That's the deal I've made with her.

As for your toddler, amused mastery, dude. Turn his emotional fit into a game. It doesn't take much. Silly noises, hey, look at that truck / bird / dog / whatever. It's much easier to emotionally reset a three-year-old boy than a full-grown woman. When all else fails, pick him the fuck up and carry him where he needs to go. If you get shit on your clothes, you wash your clothes. Comes with the territory. He won't shit his pants forever. Keep lifting, so you can keep picking him up for a damn long time.

TravelingShitLord · 2017-03-24T14:52:43+00:00

Put her over your knee just as fast. Gotta keep all the kids in line.