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Worried about wife's depression (self.askMRP)

submitted by qovnowon

Discovered red pill: 1 year ago Sidebar: nearly all, many items multiple times Lifting: Off and on due to injuries, no real progress Ages: me 42, wife 40 Married: 18 yrs. Kids: 0

I have been applying MRP concepts to my marriage for a while now and I see some significant improvements but I just don't think she can ever become the person I want her to be. I know that continuing through the dread levels can improve things, but there are just too many things that would have to radically change for me to really be attracted to her and to desire spending time with her.

The problem is that I am worried that if I decide to divorce that she will slip back into a deep depression. She has had this happen twice before and is on anti-depressants. I know that she would be an absolute wreck without me and I'm even worried that she may be a danger to herself. I do care about her; she is a kind person with a good heart and I would feel terrible guilt if her life was destroyed after I left.

Has anyone felt the same way? I appreciate any ideas or new perspectives for me to consider.


[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've known girls like your wife, my girlfriend is one of them.

I've seen a lot of girls who claim they couldn't possibly go on without their man, they would just curl up and die, they would have no reason to live....etc. Until they go out with their friends and get attention from other guys, then it's like you never even existed. Your wife would be fine.

[–]creating_my_life10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Kids: 0

Was looking for that part. Good.

t I just don't think she can ever become the person I want her to be.

Good. Done. You know what you want, and she's not it. Why are you wasting another fucking minute of your life then?

I know that continuing through the dread levels can improve things

No, it can't. You just said so above.

she will slip back into a deep depression.

Not your problem.

I know that she would be an absolute wreck without me

Not your problem.

and I'm even worried that she may be a danger to herself.

Not your problem.

I do care about her;

Would she stay with you if you stopped earning money and couldn't pay the mortgage? Yes, she would care about you, and she'd be gone in a heartbeat. You can care about someone and still observe, "this isn't right for me."

I would feel terrible guilt if her life was destroyed after I left.

That's the female version of "dread". "You are responsible for my happiness". Nope, not the way it works.

Has anyone felt the same way?

Was in a similar relationship a long time ago. Leaving was the best thing I ever did FOR ME. I alpha widowed her, but NOT MY PROBLEM.

I appreciate any ideas or new perspectives for me to consider.

You're looking for permission to divorce. Granted. Carry on.

[–]drty_prRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's the female version of "dread". "You are responsible for my happiness".

That's fuckin gold man!

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Came here to say this. TL;DR, not your circus, not your monkey. Don't be captain Sav a Ho.

[–]qovnowon[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Some really great points here. Thank you!

Would she stay with you if you stopped earning money and couldn't pay the mortgage? Yes, she would care about you, and she'd be gone in a heartbeat. You can care about someone and still observe, "this isn't right for me."

This is what I need to remember most of all I think.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Captain-save-ho to the rescue.

You know what you want to do. You're not her keeper.

Get her started on therapy now as you prep to depart if you at least want to say you got her a legitimate support system.

[–]qovnowon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Get her started on therapy now as you prep to depart if you at least want to say you got her a legitimate support system.

Great idea. Thank you

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

The word you're looking for is co-dependence. Google it. Check out enabling as well.

It's no surprise your marriage sucks with this dynamic at the heart of it.

[–]RecoveringBlue0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

What makes you think this is co-dependence?

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

From Wikipedia:

"Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

He's enabling her depression by shielding her from the natural consequences of that depression - namely, that he wants to leave. And he's willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do it. If she were a drug addict it would be obvious, but the principle is the same.

[–]qovnowon[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So I am shielding her from the consequences of her poor mental health. But with a drug addict, my choice is clear: stop helping her live as an addict, demand that she quits, and leave after a reasonable time if she doesn't. She then has to make that choice for herself. But with depression, can someone say, "Stop being the kind of person who would become depressed if I leave, or I'll leave you!" I'm sure I'm not fully understanding your point.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You don't have to say it in words. If you're only staying out of guilt, then she already knows that on some level. If you change yourself so that you are no longer willing to stay out of gilt, she will sense that change in you as well.

I'm not pretending your situation is easy. I stayed in an unhappy relationship once for similar reasons in my youth. I was so guilty about it that I could barely even admit to myself that I was unhappy. Eventually I ended it, and the relief was euphoric. To this day, my only regret was not leaving sooner. So in talking to you, I guess I'm really talking to my younger self.

[–]RecoveringBlue0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Seems that I have always miss understood this concept. So to be clear, codependency does not mean that each person is dependent upon the other for validating an addictive behavior. It means that one person is addicted to the behavior and is validated or enabled by someone. Is this correct?

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but yeah, that's the idea. Both people are acting in an unhealthy way. But they are unhealthy in different ways that fit together. One is an addict or has some other comparable problem, and the other loses himself in a well-intentioned but misguided attempt to help the other person, but the "help" only makes things worse.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Kids: 0

Great! NEXT her ASAP, DNGAF about her manipulations. If she does harm herself, oh well, shit happens.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

This is your life, and you can't waste years of it because you are worried about somebody else's happiness. You didn't go into much specifics about the issues, so it's almost impossible to advise.

In any case, make sure you have done everything possible to improve yourself, and make sure you are the captain. We can't make that decision for you, especially based on such limited information.

[–]qovnowon[S] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your reply. What types of info would you want? My main issues with her are that she has gained a lot of weight, leaves the house a mess, complains too much about daily issues, and isn't very interested in going out meeting new people or doing exciting things. All of these things made some improvements over the last year, but my gut is telling me they will never improve enough.

[–]Itstinksoutthere2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you want her to change, but can't understand why? Expecting people to do things simply because you expect them too isn't going to work. Nuke this shit. Tell her exactly what you said here and then go out and find something to do and let her stew on it. If she decides to make he changes and put in some effort then work on it. I she says fuck you then you say fuck you back and draw up the papers.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Do you even realize you are describing almost every woman who ever existed? They bitch and complain. They gain weight. They shirk on their responsibilities. If you give them an inch they take 10 miles. They spend time on Facebook or Twitter basking in "likes" instead of meeting people.

Fucking AWALT bro. Any woman you meet will have those characteristics.

If she really, really couldn't go on without you then go to level 11 and 12 before you decide to get divorced. You just might get to be Captain-Save-A-Ho and a Playah.

[–]qovnowon[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for replying to me! Do you think its possible to change these kinds of personality traits with dread? Notice that sex isn't on this list of complaints that I have. When I got to level 6, we were having lots of sex and I'm sure I could have kept that up, but its all these other factors that make me not interested in keeping the relationship. If its not possible to change these things with dread, and AWALT, then I just should never have gotten married, and sure as hell won't ever again.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You still don't have it. You can't change her. You can change YOU. You can get to the point where her antics don't bother you any more and yes, then they will decrease. She may even start following your lead more and complaining less. They won't ever stop completely but if you don't care it is not a problem.

She only has the power over you that you give her.

[–]creating_my_life1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She only has the power over you that you give her.

"Life" in one sentence. This could be a whole topic/book.

[–]qovnowon[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I always want to focus on improving myself, but I'm having trouble understanding the details. Let's assume I am progressing through the levels properly...6, 7, & 8 achieved, moving on to 9: Soft Ultimatum. Do I change the wording away from sex towards the above four concerns? If so, how am I showing her that her behavior doesn't bother me? How do I focus on improving myself and make clear to her what exactly it is that I don't accept about her? And if I change myself to accommodate behavior that used to bother me, how am I really living for myself? For example, if I focus on improving myself, and if I no longer let the filthy house bother me, aren't I really just abandoning what I want in favor of what she wants?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

how am I showing her that her behavior doesn't bother me?

If you are at level 9 then the answer should be obvious. You are not bothered by her bullshit because you are in position to develop other, better options.

[–]Aaren_Augustine0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

At what point did you know you weren't attracted to her?

[–]qovnowon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe 3 or 4 years ago. She started putting on weight and I began improving myself at a rapid pace, which only accelerated when I found Red Pill. She hasn't shown an interest in getting on my level unfortunately.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have been applying MRP concepts to my marriage for a while now

Sure you have.

no real progress

That's the truth.

I appreciate any ideas or new perspectives for me to consider.

Try really applying yourself, rather than a half-assed job of sprinkling alpha on it.

[–]All_Ads_Deceive-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Every woman pulls the depressed card. They hustle you by acting like a damsel in distress. Women are war brides. It's in their DNA to get over men easily and fall on new dicks.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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