Initiating leads to wife feeling guilty

gettingmymojoback · 2017-01-17T13:58:10+00:00

This was a common issue for me as well. Wife would constantly accuse me of "making her feel guilty" when I would initiate. Given that this is something I have not heard her say in at least the past 3-4 months I'll venture to offer my hypothesis.

She felt "guilty" for not wanting to fuck me, and feeling she SHOULD want to fuck me. She didn't want to fuck me, because she was not attracted to me anymore. End of story.

She obviously knew how bad I wanted it, and my lack of OI that was abundant at the time likely just added to her guilt.

When it was happening, I couldn't understand what was going on and just felt a lot of resentment. Now that the covert contract is gone, and I fully understand that attraction can't be negotiated, and that I have improved enough for her to WANT to fuck me again, the guilt card has ceased to come into play.

Continue improving, be attractive, truly internalize OI and you'll likely solve this problem.

Archwinger · 2017-01-17T15:39:20+00:00

Watch what women do, not what they say. Even your wife.

If your wife really and truly felt bad about not having sex with you, that's a really easy fix. She just has to have sex.

She doesn't want to have sex with you. She's doing the absolute minimum (once-a-week, scheduled duty sex) to be able to call the marriage a marriage, but anything more is off the table from her.

She doesn't feel guilty about not having sex or about rejecting you. She feels guilty because she's not attracted to you, even though you're probably a good guy on paper who does a lot for her.

This is not a good thing. A lot of wives "feel guilty" because they don't feel the way they're supposed to about their husbands, while their husbands still seem to feel that way about them. That guilt leads to her feeling like she owes you. Which builds up to resentment. Which builds up to "I love you but I'm not in love with you", or cheating to deliberately destroy the marriage, or just filing for divorce.

Three things you need to do:

First, continue working on you. Get hot. Keep your house in order. Advance professionally. Become a badass. Become a man lots of women would want, most likely your wife included. She might not come around, because she's very well-acquainted with the loser you and thinks you're the same loser who's just pretending to be something he's not.

Second, interact with other women. Both with and without your wife present. Get them flirting with you. Even when you do this in your wife's absence, the interactions will give you that swagger and that outcome-independence you need. And when your wife sees other women subtly flirting with you, she might come around. If she doesn't, at least you've got other women into you.

Third, stop giving a fuck and start being outcome independent. Really outcome independent. Not rolling over and going silent. Not storming out to your car and going out. Initiate with your wife, and if she rejects you, shrug, give her a kiss on the head, and go sand that shelf you're building in the garage or work on your car or paint a picture or read a book or anything except rolling over and stonewalling her or storming off in a huff (I know you're not actually doing those things, and you think you're displaying outcome independence by going to bed or going out -- but she is interpreting your behavior as being butt-hurt).

Leviticus59 · 2017-01-17T15:17:49+00:00

you're disgusting, you don't do anything to deserve sex . . .

She's still using it as a weapon, and it pisses her off to see that it's not working any more. It's only been a couple of months. Give it a while and see how things go. It'll take her a while to hamster through it.

UEMcGill · 2017-01-17T14:32:23+00:00

She feels guilty because yes you're doing well in her eyes but she can't muster up the tingles to fuck you. You're still not attractive in her eyes.

dandar4600 · 2017-01-17T14:01:30+00:00

It's about attraction. She's still doing the bare minimum to keep you around hence the hard nos. You should cancel the scheduled sex. It may result in less sex in the short term but more in the long run.

Also 10 years of beta needs 10 months of alpha at best for her to get used to the new you. It may take longer than that.

atlhart · 2017-01-17T14:30:49+00:00

I'm no expert on comfort tests, but that's what it sounds like. You're wife is challenging you. She's seeing if Beta-you will come out to play. She's saying you make her feel guilty, cause she wants to see if Beta-Bucks is there to be an apologist. "Oh, I'm sorry honey. I won't be so sexual. I won't initiate. I won't seek what I want. You're my special snowflake."

That's what she's playing at.

Keep doing what you are doing. Not for power. Not for sex. But because you are a better you. You are lifting. You are reading. You are owning your shit. And you are going after what you want.

Whether or not you're wife follows...well, all I can say is that you are on the right path. Stay in your frame.

stew7000 · 2017-01-17T15:08:19+00:00

You already know the answer. No interpretation needed. Just have to accept it. Difficult I know but the truth will set you free and all that jazz.

Be more attractive and once you are even if she doesn't want to fuck you, some other woman will.

GongShanks · 2017-01-17T16:07:53+00:00

Sounds like it's working. I wouldn't sweat the guilt too much. It's her hamster. Sounds like it's starting to work for you rather than against. Nice job on the turnaround.

mrpthrowa · 2017-01-17T14:32:58+00:00

What to do next is nothing, proceed as normal.

May be she feels guilty, may be she feels left out on a good fucking opportunity. Either way, ignore the fuck out of this "feeelz" request and proceed as normal. It's a shit test.

Let her figure her shit on her own.

My wife spent a few sleepless nights when she used to hard no, thinking how the fuck she cannot use sex as a weapon anymore and was so conflicted that on the one hand her body wants her to get fucked, but her mind wants to hold a frame of misery and denial.

Eventually she caved, I was out of that conflict in her little head. It was eventually very apparent that it was much more painful for her to say no .

Let her hamster work.

And what the fuck is this contractual day of sex thing? instant mood killer. Get rid of it.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-01-18T22:59:06+00:00

after the hard NO she said she goes to bed feeling guilty every night.

I am not seeing the problem. Unless she just had pussy surgery she has to make a decision. Do I want to stop playing the God Damn power games and just shut up and fuck my husband, or do I want to stop and let him take the wheel for just a bit.

I said in my book but it was an edit from Jack10:

The general idea is to start ignoring her for bad behaviors and rewarding her with your valuable attention and good will for her good behaviors. The trick is you need to limit your withdrawal of time, attention, and good will (“presence” and “affection”) ONLY for denials of sex, not usually for other “bad behaviors.” She should feel good when she is good, but if she is being bad, and only you are feeling it, that is a problem.

FrogTrainer · 2017-01-17T15:12:24+00:00

You initiate every single day? Perfect. Stop initiating, completely. Do this right AFTER you tell her you can drop the 1 day a week scheduled sex. Then just happily go about your business of improving yourself.

SexistFlyingPig · 2017-01-17T20:33:20+00:00

Give it a rest for a week. Let her be attracted to you. She is attracted, but she can't get her motor going before you're in the engine room.

You've made changes, but they're small, incremental changes every day. These are hard for her to see, since she sees you every day.

When you constantly ask her for sex, you're giving her constant validation. You're putting all the power into her hands. She knows that you couldn't possibly be getting attention from another woman, because you're so focused on her. She doesn't have to lift a finger to get your attention. Heck, she doesn't even have to fuck you.

You've lost weight. You've gained muscle. You're getting more valuable by the day. Why can't you see that you are the prize? She sees what you see, and since your opinion of yourself is so low, her opinion of you is low too.

BobbyPeru · 2017-01-18T00:07:31+00:00

She feels guilty because she doesn't want to fuck you, and the fairytale says that man and wife should want to fuck each other.

Lift, sidebar, dread... Become attractive

I suspect you'll get butthurt and downvote and /or delete your post.

Truth is harsh sometimes, but that's what swallowing the red pill is.

JDRoedell · 2017-01-17T14:13:01+00:00

I think this falls into the "her fee fees are hers to figure out." She feels guilty? Not your fucking problem. Just be non butthurt and OI. I'm saying this to myself as much as I am you because I need to alter my own reaction to this as well. I have been encountering similar reactions from the wife. See my two most recent OYS posts for a recent example of me failing this shitty comfort test. I failed to STFU and failed by letting her spew her emotional blame on me and my desire for sex. As a result I have to do a reset with my map and press on.

470_2_700_nm · 2017-01-17T15:45:07+00:00

Her guilt and hamstering is none of your concern.

10 years of beta, and you are 2 months in. So she just starting to feel the heat. Mine didn't even decide to think about physical fitness on her part until 3 months in. DO NOT SAY SHIT TO HER ABOUT THIS. Just keep doing what you are doing, it sounds like you are on the right track.

One good way to deal with the guilt is offer her examples of how to suppress this guilt.

Be a dutiful husband and offer ideas of "here suck my dick like you are trying to remove the chrome from a bumper hitch", or "Honey, I care about your feelings. I don't know for sure, but if I'm balls deep in your pussy I'll bet you that feeling will go away". Or you could just ignore it all and keep going.

My personal experience, is this road out of nowhere has many ups and downs along the way.

screechhater · 2017-01-17T22:34:06+00:00

"Third, stop giving a fuck and start being outcome independent. Really outcome independent. Not rolling over and going silent. Not storming out to your car and going out. Initiate with your wife, and if she rejects you, shrug, give her a kiss on the head, and go sand that shelf you're building in the garage or work on your car or paint a picture or read a book or anything except rolling over and stonewalling her or storming off in a huff (I know you're not actually doing those things, and you think you're displaying outcome independence by going to bed or going out -- but she is interpreting your behavior as being butt-hurt)."

Read until blind

When you reach, "I could give ten fucks," it becomes a whole different ball game

stew7000 · 2017-01-17T14:07:08+00:00

How many other women do you interact with in a day?