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Question on dread with low self esteem LTR (self.askMRP)

submitted by MRPN00b

Mid 40's wife is couple of years younger. Married for 24 yrs. Swallowed the pill about 4 months ago

Gone through 90% of the sidebar material, along with endless hours on the forum. Always lifted on and off for 20 years, but have been dialing it in for the last 60+ days. Lifting 5 days a week, diet is on point. 6'5 220

Wife is a solid 8 I'm a couple points back, but the lifting is helping.

I'm moving slowing on everything with her, since we have been married so long, any changes like this are noticed right away and watched.

STFU has been my main "go to" along with A&A, which I can handle pretty well. I'm good with verbal gymnastics.

Here is the problem. Anytime I try to introduce ANY dread, or STFU I get some quick and fast comfort tests. I'm working on passing them, some I pass, some I fail. The problem is she is Hot, she works out 1+ hours a day, fit, tan, and honestly a fun person to be around. But for whatever reason, she has low-self esteem. So the minute I STFU, I get "you don't like talking to me" "what's wrong?" "Is everything Ok?" "you don't want anything to do with me"

She and my kids (and some extended family) have basically been my social life. We have "our" friends as well. As I've been slowly connecting with some old friends, and outside the house hobbies, she has been giving me the typical "oh, I see.. you would rather go be with them than with me" not every time, but you can see her lack of self worth bubbling up.

How does one handle a wife that clearly has a higher SMV, but acts like she has low self esteem? I can tell this dread shit is going to take time, and I even have to go slower than I am feeding it to her right now.

On the bright side, she is responding VERY well to me planning things, telling her where we are going and what time we are leaving. The other point is, she has always been one to say "Oh, man I can't stand guys that are all built up with muscles, it's gross" Hmm.. guess who is rubbing chest and triceps during sex and saying "wow. you are getting strong" WTF Man? It's very interesting to see how they SAY one thing, but the lizard brain takes over and they act another.


[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

So the minute I STFU, I get "you don't like talking to me" "what's wrong?" "Is everything Ok?" "you don't want anything to do with me"

This is a standard shit test, not low self-esteem. STFU.

oh, I see.. you would rather go be with them than with me" not every time, but you can see her lack of self worth bubbling up

Another shit test. Resolve is the key here. Resolve = tingles

Good, once again it's been proven that all chicks love muscles.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Whether it is a shit test or comfort test I don't think the BEST answer is to STFU, at least at first. The best answer is Amused Mastery. Take her in your arms and reassure the little girl. Laugh and tell her she is being silly when she says things like that. Make eye contact and pull her into you for a kiss followed by a I will make time for you soon sweetheart.

https://therationalmale.com/2012/09/14/amused-mastery/

If she pulls away angry then it was a shit test. You smile down at her and STFU. If she puts her head on your chest it was a comfort test. Smile down at her and STFU.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Maybe she is just a submissive woman.

My wife is hot and is always looking to make me proud. Maybe your girl is doing the same, she wants you proud and your eyes on her.

Your post is pretty vague on what the real problem is. Maybe you should help your wife be more comfortable with her place in your life.

If she has been awesome, let her know, build that sense of self up.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Seconded. People are treating this as a standard shit tests with STFU and up the Dread level but I am with you. He needs to take charge and show her that she is his woman, not freak her out that he might cheat on her. She knows that at 6'5" he can have his pick of women once he unplugs. Of course she opposes him and tests him. It is on him to reassure her and build up her self-esteem. This assumes she really is low self-esteem and not the shit testing harpy everybody else is assuming. Either way, Amused Mastery will solve this for him.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Amused Mastery will solve this for him

This should be the default response to all things, adjusted on specific issues.

Just fucking laugh, the shit chicks pull isn't that serious.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

As I've unplugged, I've slowly started that. A&A is fun, and works pretty much every time. It's amazing how quickly it shuts shit down vs DEER'ing. (of which I was the worlds worst offender)

I'm pretty much a two trick pony at this stage. STFU and A&A.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You should be having fun; Life is good man.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you would have asked me 6 months ago if she was submissive, I would have said "no way". She plans everything, takes care of everything around the house. And in general owning her shit. But you ask me today, and the answer is different. She was doing that because of the vacuum I left in my beta pussy wake.

On your last comment, "let her know, build that sense of self up" how do I do that w/o putting her on a pedestal? How do you bump up your SMV w/o pushing hers up ahead of you with compliments etc?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

takes care of everything around the house. And in general owning her shit.

Those are submissive traits

How do you bump up your SMV w/o pushing hers up ahead of you with compliments etc?

It's not a contest man, this is your wife. When you come home and the place is clean, grab her and pick her up, spin her around, tell her you're glad she isn't a fucking leech who sits at home doing nothing.

When you're out, pull her in close & whisper something naughty - even if you're in a group make sure she knows you're proud to have her by your side.

At the same time, be comfortable leaving her to do whatever. She is your wife, not your life.

Stop viewing her as competition, unfuck yourself & she will follow your lead without you asking.

[–]trp_dude0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Wife is a solid 8

She's not an 8. No matter if she is spending hours at the gym. You have wife goggles on. There are no 40 yo 8s. At best, she's a 7, but probably a 6 would be my guess. Even if she were a 10 at age 20, she would be at best 9 at 30 and 7 at 40.

You, on the other hand, at 6'5", is already way above her SMV. There are no 6'5" guys who are less than a 7.

The problem is, she thinks you're a 5. Start working on dread. Game some chicks.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

This was my thought. To add to what u/trp_dude said I'll say, if your hyping your old lady up to an 8 to a bunch of dudes looking to call you out on it, what are you saying to her? Have you highly pedestalized her?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Have you have highly pedestalized her ~~? ~~

[–]MRPN00b[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh yeah. 24 years of it. But that was my old blue pill self trying to get her self worth up, thinking that it would result in her being more confident. Which would result in better sex. Wow.. that was lame

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Been there. Done that. Got the blue balls.

Now I'd say "for a chick who doesn't do any exercise, your fat happens to go to the right spots".

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

She may have low self esteem, but she is really just being controlling with you. None of them like change. Accept the fact that she is going to resist the idea of you no longer being her beta guy that she can count on. Please just STFU and keep reading and lifting for now.

If her SMV is that much higher, you better get to work raising yours NOW.

They all say they hate muscles, unit you have them. You'll see.

[–]KyfhoMyoba2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

There is much power in victimhood.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very true.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well said. The "poor me drama" is a staple in some women's bag of dark arts. I should know - it's my wife's go to and she does it without saying a word.

OP: read the book Practical Female Psychology. The authors go into depth about HSE vs LSE women. You should be able to figure out where she is at in the SE continuum based on their descriptions.

I thought my wife was LSE but then realized she's mostly in the middle. The wives shown with black eyes on Cops are truly LSE whereas what you describe may be further up from rock botom LSE.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"They all say they hate muscles, unit you have them. You'll see"

Yeah, stupid me just figuring this out now. I've never been overweight, but in times in my life where I have been in better shape, I find her rubbing my arms or abs during sex. But then verbally says "I hate muscles". Damn I'm stupid. Spending all these years paying attention to what she is saying, instead of what she is doing. That, and trying to negotiate passion. I feel like the biggest douchebag in the world. (yanking spine connector out, and climbing out of the Matrix pod now)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, what they do, not what they say. Remember it swings both ways.

She says nice, like saying, "I wuv you just the way you are my little stud muffin." She really means, "you're my fat little bitch."

She says mean, like, "your muscles are so gross", or, "I hate it when you grab my ass." She really means I'm getting wet, assuming you are smart enough not too get butt-hurt.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good advice. STFU is the main weapon. It's hard for me, but I'm learning. And yes, busting my ass in the gym, hair and clothes are on point now as well. Trying to close the gap

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Read practical female psychology

[–]SepeanRed Beret-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Anytime I try to introduce ANY dread, or STFU I get some quick and fast comfort tests.

Do you also get lots of kinky sex?

[–]MRPN00b[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

That's a negative.

[–]SepeanRed Beret-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Then do not try to "pass the comfort test", I doubt they are actual comfort tests and at any rate don't reward her with affection when she's not putting in any effort herself.

In general just ignore or A&A them, but it doesn't hurt to tell her what is up once in a while. There's a good chance she is hardly aware that her main role in the relationship is to provide sexual favors, so sometimes take an obvious chance to remind her of that. Careful not to sound butthurt, keep it light and cocky.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's good advice (on not being butthurt) and that's been one of my biggest challenges. I don't want starfish.. and I've told her as much.

At any rate, it's so damn hard not to be butthurt, but I'm learning. Seems to be a fine line in not being butthurt and not being a indifferent asshole about it. Tightrope.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

How does one handle a wife that clearly has a higher SMV, but acts like she has low self esteem? I can tell this dread shit is going to take time, and I even have to go slower than I am feeding it to her right now."

"but acts" that's the key in that statement...she is your reflection and it's time to dial up the fun, and your confidence

See this Book for some of the shit she says and does to see and feel your reactions, especially, "oh, I see.. you would rather go be with them than with me"

"It's very interesting to see how they SAY one thing, but the lizard brain takes over and they act another." No shit

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Those don't sound like comfort tests to me. Maybe shitty comfort tests with a little beta bait thrown in. I would agree and amplify stuff like that by teasing her and being mean then being sweet and loving. Make it a push pull thing.

Here's an article on beta bait.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/05/15/more-common-types-of-beta-bait/

[–]MRPN00b[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good advice. Reading now. Thanks

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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