Dealing with rude behavior from wife.

FearDearg2015 · 2015-09-18T11:15:10+00:00

Regardless of what caused her snappiness, you need to know that her reaction to it is her own issue. "maintaining frame" here is all about not getting drawn in to reacting to her reaction.

There is a subtle difference between "reacting" and "responding". The difference is mainly down to your frame of mind, and how much conscious control you have over your actions. Reactions tend to be automatic, and therefore "unconscious" to some degree. Choosing to "respond" instead of react is where you wanna get to. Also, your "response" may very well be just a display of body language, or pure silence (STFU).

So, regardless of how good or bad your joke was, sounds like you "responded" pretty well by doing nothing. In the beginning, just being aware of the times where you let yourself react instinctively (and most likely unconsciously) is already good progress. The reason STFU works well as a strategy is that it is generally applicable in most situations, and if you happen to STFU at the wrong time, you can parley it into a moment or two to choose an appropriate response anyway.

It's easier to recover from STFU than it is from saying the wrong thing. Also, acta non verba

whinemoreplease · 2015-09-18T13:00:30+00:00

sounds like the failure was that your joke sucked.

what was the joke and did it involve a judgment on her as a person? i'd be willing to bet money it did.

dandar4600 · 2015-09-18T12:02:37+00:00

I just tell my wife to watch her attitude. If she keeps on behaving shitty I leave the room. She followed me once trying to start a fight and I told her she was being a bitch and left the house. Since then she behaves. Two days ago she was being snappy, I told her to not give me an attitude and she promptly STFU.

The FB and being snappy in the car is just plain disrespect. She doesn't respect you. Keep lifting, keep passing shit tests, do not accept shitty behavior and she will start giving you respect. It won't happen overnight but it WILL happen eventually.

Edit: Calling her a bitch was a mistake. I don't recommend doing it. You can just state that you won't tolerate that behavior and leave. She never brought up to me that I said that to her, but another woman might call you out on it and at that point I'm not sure whether telling her to not act like one is better than apologizing. I probably wouldn't apologize for stating a factual behavior but some hamsters are more active than others. So proceed accordingly.

Nebulose11 · 2015-09-18T14:57:44+00:00

Any of you all have a problem where after she apologizes it doesn't seem as if she even understands what she is apologizing for so you try to explain why you are upset and it just comes off as unnecessary lecturing since she all ready apologized?

Do I need more STFU and not less give a fuck?

mrpCamper · 2015-09-18T15:58:54+00:00

Since you're a newbie here I would advise to STFU at first. Her first training lesson is that when she snaps at you or is a bitch, you will ignore and if possible leave and do something else. Your homework is over the next few weeks you are training yourself to be able to use comments and techniques suggested below such as amused mastery or a suggested comment such as "I don't know what you're problem is, but there's no need to be a bitch".

Most likely if you come out with that one now, she is going to bite your head off and you are unprepared to defend against it. Get yourself to the point where her bite will be less and you will be mentally stronger to handle that come back.

Start by recognizing it and changing your behavior to STFU - for now.

enfier · 2015-09-18T16:51:24+00:00

I'm all about frame, but here is where I think STFU just doesn't do the job. You and your wife are playing some sort of eternal game of the iterated prisoner's dilemma. If she snaps at you and you don't retaliate (in some fashion) then there's just no incentive not to snap at you.

Holding frame doesn't mean sucking up abuse like a punching bag, although it can be a useful tactic for sucking the wind out of an argument that you are going to win via actions anyways.

You don't want to come across as butthurt, but you can choose to react in a way that penalizes the behavior. Typically it's best to just remove yourself from the situation, you can also calmly insist that she refrain from speaking to you in a bad tone or you can just nuke it and get angry. Which one works best will probably depend on your wife, but it's likely that you already know which one is effective.

I will say that the halfhearted apology seems like STFU did the trick - she realized that her behavior was hurtful and inappropriate at some level.

Archwinger · 2015-09-18T19:19:20+00:00

Instead of your wife, picture a 12 year old acting the same way and saying the same things. Pretty funny, huh? Respond to the 12 year old instead of responding to your wife.

The_Litz · 2015-09-20T10:58:54+00:00

This 'working on the laptop' is BS.

My wife does the same shit. She sits in bed with the laptop doing work at night. Fuck that, if you have work to do go sit in your home office, dining room table or even kitchen table.

She becomes highly irritable because 'can't you see I am busy'.

The bedroom is not a work area.

edit: I am assuming that it was the bedroom as you were packing your bags

[deleted] · 2015-09-18T15:19:31+00:00

"She was doing work on her laptop".

Kinda relevant. If she's got a good sense of humor at other times that should tell you something. It could come across as a little boy tugging on mommy's pant leg for attention when she's busy.

Still. Whatever the case: The difference between you having a tough crowd and a comedian is that once you judge it's a shit crowd you get to stop.

I like to joke around a lot to, my wife gets that when she's receptive to it. Otherwise I spend my energy elsewhere.

jcrpta · 2015-09-18T22:31:48+00:00

If you ever figure this out, tell me how, because my wife is exactly the same. She is physically incapable of holding down a civil conversation when she gets like that; the best solution I have so far is just to put the phone down on her or walk out of the room. Which shuts her up, but is invariably hamstered as me "flouncing off".

nantucketghost · 2015-09-18T13:35:44+00:00

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[deleted] · 2015-09-18T18:40:15+00:00

I'm kind of an asshole. So I'd probably leave the room shut off the main breaker to the house, get in my car and drive off.