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Update: Wife Went Full Bitch Mode (self.askMRP)

submitted by LongRoad_518

All,

Here's a quick update. I appreciate all the advice. Original post

I think this was a prolonged shitty comfort test vs a main event. Here's why.

I distanced myself from her all day Thursday. She was still in a bad mood but opened up. She's very insecure and feels that she's not necessary anymore. She made the comment that all I needed was hookers and a maid. I laid out what I wanted from life and want her to be come along. u/Throndor_Rising and u/ChokingDownRP advised that she need comfort and reassurance that she's part of the plan. As soon as I laid this down very directly (something like "I would like you to be in my life, but not blowing up and being this bitchy about everything") - her demeanor changed. She still was a bit distant yesterday, but moved everything back into our bedroom and started wearing her ring again. I grabbed her this morning in a big hug and she melted into me. It's almost like nothing happened.

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I did take /u/red-sfpplus advice here:

If she spends tonight in the Guest room that is fine but tomorrow I would communicate that husband and wife sleep together in the same bed and that is an expectation not a request.

Her initial response was "I don't feel like your wife right now". But at the end of the day she was sleeping back with me in the same bed.

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My lesson and part in all this is that she needs more comfort and reassurance. I've been so worry about becoming the supplicating needy whiny faggot I was, I have given next to no comfort to her. Some comments here and there but nothing that really made her FEEL it. I also need to lead her and give her supporting tasks and goals as part of my mission.

I realized from others' comments that this could be related to my son's death. Which makes perfect sense since this is the worst time of year for us (he got sick late Jan and died end of March).

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[–]aherrns19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good job. Sorry about your loss. Keep the ship pointing North, Capt.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the update...sounds like all went pretty well. I think we focus so much on dread and "alpha behavior" around here that it can really fuck things up for a lot of guys who haven't yet figured out the proper recipe for their wife.

The reality is that nice guys come here, pick up a few tricks (usually being assertive) that work for them, so they keep upping the ante. Before long, you're just being a dick to your wife all the time. Marriage is just not the same as spinning plates or picking up sluts for ONSs. It's a balancing act in marriage - by all means don't be a pushover... Be assertive and make sure you get what you want & need from your marriage. At the same time, you have got to look for comfort seeking cues from her. If she thinks you are capable of fucking other women and leaving her, that's fantastic... If she's questioning if you are actively doing that, that's different. I went through a lot of this with my wife once my SMV surpassed hers - she constantly asked if I was going to see my new GF, or made comments about me trading her in, or she would put herself down because she doesn't look as good as she used to. A comment like that here or there is ok, but when it's frequent, you have to let her know you're choosing to be with her and you want her on board your ship. Don't go back to being a supplicating bitch, but it's ok to let her know you care for her and that you choose to be with her.

Your case is unique OP. If you haven't already, you should probably both seek counseling to help deal with your loss. I can't begin to imagine how difficult that is on each of you individually and the challenge that experience adds to your relationship. Also, if she continues to take her Ring off and sleep elsewhere, you'll need to either be unaffected by it or set a hard boundary and be ready to enforce it... That sort of behavior can't continue. My wife slept on the couch several times when I "changed.". Turned out it had a lot to do with the shifting power dynamic... When I made fun of her (instead of acting butthurt) it ended. Frame, frame, frame!

Keep up the good work.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good job dude. We are always learning on this journey. Now it's time to be a man of action with all this new knowledge you have.

Remember to watch what she does, not what she says.

[–]Frosteecat6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I believe it is an understandable challenge of re-building yourself from the ground up and the inside out. We see the world with new eyes and new resolve that doesn’t leave a lot of room or desire to comfort others because, if done with purpose, self development by its very nature creates a toughness and isolation that those around us find new, perplexing and probably unsettling and confusing.

This is something I am currently failing in. My wife’s sister took her life a few weeks ago and she is understandably distraught. I am attempting to be the oak, but feel I am failing to provide comfort. Comfort now feels weak to me. Comfort feels like backsliding.

I can’t imagine the challenge to do both in your situation. Grief is a deep and lasting reality in any scenario—let alone the profound sadness you must live with after the passing of a child.

FWIW, I applaud your direct honesty with her. Yours is a unique situation. I believe erring on the side of comfort is best. If you can still pursue your MAP and provide comfort, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Damn, the loss of a son is a very tough thing on a marriage- my condolences. But, MRP can help you be the captain through the storm. Keep up the good effort.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My condolences on the loss of your son.

I lost a 17yo son suddenly in a car wreck.

You have evidently handled it far better than I did. 7 months after my son’s passing, my wife started branch swinging, and found a solid branch to hold on to.

As far as I’m concerned, you have a pass. Under the pressure of all the shit in your life, you are bettering yourself and doing your best to lead your wife and family to a safe harbor.

All my best to you and yours.

[–]qwertyuiop1112222 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I grabbed her this morning in a big hug and she melted into me.

Aww.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I realized from others' comments that this could be related to my son's death.

Hold the phone....

What in the actual fuck?

Did I miss this or what?

You son passed away and we are talking about your wife?

Dude?

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My son died when he was four. Brain tumor diagnosed in Jan three years ago. Gave us 6-12 months. He died in March less than 8 weeks later. Robbed him of every function - paralyzed, couldn’t talk, etc. It destroyed both of us. But life goes on.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

His son died of cancer 3 years ago. It was buried in his last post. Couldn’t imagine.

[–]SiegreicherMarsch1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Congrats, you just made it through a big milestone in the "relationship reset." Her hamster was spinning at levels she'd never experienced before, she hit you with the biggest storm she could muster, and you stood firm without striking back. This is what the Oak does.

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[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your post could have been called "Wife made me realise I don't give comfort mode"

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Joke aside it is an important point. When the heat is on, giving comfort REALLY DOES feel like giving in, whether it is giving in to her behaviour in the moment, or her perspective on the whole issue. Giving comfort at these times is like being nice to your enemy. I think we all know that there is beta based ego driving that feeling, because she is not your enemy. The more alpha view is that comfort is part of what we do as a leader, and she is just an upset team member... Stoic, rock, weather the storm etc.

[–]RPeed0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you handled a difficult situation well.

Be wary of over correcting on the comfort side by care taking or whatever. And also it is probably not the last time you will have to visit sleeping arrangements- OxyContin is a hell of a drug.

I think I saw WotSM recommended, a reread of NMMNG may be in order too.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sometimes you gotta give them a way to surrender without them feeling like they're losing.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fair winds and following seas.

[–]gameoflibidos0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You don't need to comfort her more... you just need to lead her and keep her involved in your mission. As long as she feels like an important part of keeping the ship clean and floating, you'll be fine.

You locked her in the galley while you were trying to chart a new course.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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