TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

57

Im only 28 and losing motivation. Not sure why. (self.asktrp)

submitted by ohyesimthatguy

Nothing's been handed to me ever in life. Grew up poor, average height. Not physically attractive face wise. A minority, and am balding. I do lift and have a good physique.

My entire life I've out worked everyone at everything and it's led me to a pretty good place in my career and has given me good physique.

My only advantage was my work ethic. Couldn't afford tutors but I made up for it by studying twice as long as others. Pretty much out worked everyone in everything, sheer heart and dedication was my only advantage.

I know feel myself losing that drive to be the best I can. I don't know if it's me being burned out, some sort of depression/me being a little bitch..? I do catch myself thinking "life's not fair... If I had been born with XYZ I'd been so much further along in life right now" and am constantly comparing myself to higher value men. This used to make me want to better myself but now I'm realizing and accepting there's an elite level of men that I will never be able to compete with (6'5, white, good looking men).

I feel like I'm at a tipping point of just giving up and accepting a mediocre life or keep pushing through... If I keep pushing through though then for how much longer? There doesn't seem to be a goal or end in sight where I'll reach the level of an elite top 5% male.


[–][deleted] 80 points81 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

"I don't know if it's me being burned out, some sort of depression/me being a little bitch..?"

You mention how hard you have worked and also being burned out. Perhaps you need a holiday or an extended adventure?

Also the thinking that if you had been born with X/Y/Z you would be further along.
Try thinking in the opposite direction aswell. ie if you went out today and were hit by a car, how much that would 'set you back' how good you have it compared to being physically incapacitated. Examine those ahead of you as well as those behind. You may not be exceptional or have an exceptional life. but view it from the perspective of someone far behind you from that perspective it may be.

As for competing with other men or elite men, for me the man i am competing with is the one looking at me in the mirror. I need to be better than him. Comparing my self to others only leads to mental torment. Focus on that which you can control, not which you cannot.

[–]marcus8crassus19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This man is right. Feel gratitude for what you have. Meditate, pray, whatever, for what you are grateful for.

[–]its4thecatlol2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You may not be exceptional or have an exceptional life. but view it from the perspective of someone far behind you from that perspective it may be.

Comparing my self to others only leads to mental torment. Focus on that which you can control, not which you cannot.

The two pieces of advice you give are absolute opposites. I don't think the first one is very fruitful.

[–]sensestiveMale0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not really.. The 1st one relates to circumstances one finds himself in.. while the other is about aiming on what to compete with

[–]its4thecatlol1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The first asks the OP to compare himself to other people. He shouldn't feel sad about his station in life because others have a worse station. The second paragraph tells the OP not to compare himself to others and instead judge himself based on personal metrics.

[–]sensestiveMale0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not really.. The 1st one relates to circumstances one finds himself in.. while the other is about aiming on what to compete with

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

i can see what you say,

At times i will view myself in comparison to others less fortunate to see how lucky i am. This type makes me feel gratitude and humble.

When i compare my self to others that and i feel a lack in myself or that i am deficient, this is they type of thinking that gives mental torment. Inadequate or less than.

At times i avoid both types of thought. This is where i focus on what i can control and not what i cannot.

Yes both pieces of advice are opposites, Both are useful for me. The first one yield's humbleness for me. it is not a grand or exiting quality that i conjure up in my being. I do find it to bring me a peaceful state with where i am and what i have.

Thanks for the feedback, i do need to work on being clearer in my writing.

[–]Andgelyo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This. I work as an occupational therapist at a hospital setting. Before that I worked at a nursing home. I’ve seen some pretty sick people who couldn’t even get out of bed. Seeing that, made me realize that I’m so thankful to be young and healthy (OPs age), have a great career, have family and friends who love me, and do decently with women. You don’t know how good you have it until you see how others are struggling.

[–]throwawaydawggie23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Friend, live by your own standards. Fuck everyone else and their reality. Grass is always greener on the other side. Also, go take a solo trip to a country you have never been to. Do interesting things and keep yourself busy. Build something on a weekend. Learn a new language and watch how doors open. Good luck and keep fighting the good with.

[–]RinkyInky8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s ok to slow down now and figure out what you want in life. If you keep looking and comparing with others you’ll always lose to someone. This can be good motivation, but if you’re too harsh on yourself you start to harm yourself.

Not telling you to stop working fully, or stop improving yourself, I bet you’d massively regret it if you start to become a total slob and look back at all you had 5 years later, but it starts to become unhealthy competition when you’re in this state.

Figure out what makes you happy without needing to compare yourself to other people. You need to create a part of your life that isn’t a rat race.

[–]MrJSuds5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You have to get out of the idea of being a top 5% male, and focus on being a top 5% YOU.

Great thing about that is, you can measure your success however you want. Does that mean money to you? Freedom? Happiness? Figure out your priorities and start there.

There's constant pressure to be better than the next man, and everyone is feeling the same pressure and it's not always good for you. Nothing wrong with taking a breather and figuring out what exactly you're working for. Sounds like you've put in a lot of work this far. Think of it as the end of the first quarter/half. Regroup, come up with a game plan for the next half, and get back out there when you're ready.

[–]thrwy754792 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

  1. You're probably burnt out. Take some time to yourself. A vacation? A full day at a spa? Get out in nature. Chill out.
  2. You may be striving to be perfect. There's no such thing, and trying to become perfect will make you depressed. Aim to be better, not to be perfect.
  3. Don't compare yourself to others. The people you're comparing yourself to have flaws and insecurities just like you. Love yourself as you are by seeing yourself as you are.

Girls come, girls go. At your age, keep other things in check but focus on your financial situation. Accumulate, and invest. Buy property if you can. Get some passive income. When you're financially independent, you can sit back and laugh at the rest of the working population.

[–]2kun2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I once heard that there was a study done to find what's the key to happiness and after a bunch of people were asked they narrowed it to a golden pyramid:

  1. Financial security
  2. Healthy relationships
  3. A purpose in life

I say your loss of motivation is a sign for you to try new things and explore more, find some purpose and meaning.

Hard work and earning your gains is always better than just being given things, much more satisfying. It does hurt to compare that people who work less get given things we want, but on the flipside they can never truly appreciate it since it was given to them, only if they lose it or see others without it. In the long run work is what matters always and a little bit of fate (the things we can't control).

I also watched an ASAP science video on how motivation can be totally exhausted and it's not supposed to be constant. Discipline and doing stuff when you're not motivated is the real test of one's endurance and it's where the best results lie.

[–]LordMarkStark1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Because you came here, do you have in life support from people close to you. And while they may not explicitly listen to your problems, do they at least offer some kind of support or direction as friends often do just in regular conversation? It can be more instant feedback, even if you broach a conversation with a store keeper or something in a light curious manner.

You had a tough time and plateued, looking back you could be relishing taking the next upward step but you may think that "hill looks hard".

It's ok to take a break and do different things or just pull back some, but always keep your ultimate goals in mind so you don't drift off. Unless you find happiness in something else. We are our own harshest critics.

You had the motivation and drive of youth, maybe some naiveity but you kept going, and that emotional proving drive pushed you on perhaps. You've absolutely proved something to yourself by this point. You probably had higher testosterone too as is normal and added to that the climb was completely new to you. Things may be different going forward but not necessarily worse at all. You may decide you only need a break to recharge and consider the next step.

You only need to live life to your satisfaction, but never underestimate achievement. You don't need to be top 5% even if you have the potential, just race against yourself. Don't think maybe end goal but think development instead. Bite sized chunks.

[–]ohyesimthatguy0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I do have friends and family but I'm typically the one they go to with problems to vent, not the other way around. They all view me as Mr. Successful who has his shit together and I don't want to ruin that image for them (or maybe I dont want to ruin that image for ME, I'm not sure.) I'm the one they can count on to always be there and I don't want them to lose that

[–]LordMarkStark0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ah ok. It'd be a non related person. Well in that case you seem comfortable in your self and direction pretty much. You probably just need a new challenge or a health check up - maybe there's stress even if you handle it just fine, it could turn into a long term problem. Not saying there is. But a new challenge is very common in all walks of life at any stage. Something that excites you again. Something new and different. You don't sound like the sort to simply want to exist. You probably miss the drive and passion of those times.

If you had picked a goal in career, you may have done it. It could be to go back to uni/do a course, if not in an entirely different field then something that expands your career options. Ok, you did buisiness just say, obvious this one well people may pick marketing, or even a lot now Psych courses; or if they have done something they may choose to do the Masters component in it - and that could open up a whole range of new exciting possibilities. People really mix it up. In that case you may desire a new skill. Then you could pick a health goal, or a recreational goal. Maybe its get good at golf, go fishing more often/travel/camping. Maybe in health its be a better runner, bike rider, mountain climber, lift heavier weights, etc.

Then, maybe its a health problem. Go see your doctor and get a general check up and blood test. They tell so much. Maybe your blood sugar is low, maybe its a thyroid thing, or some insulin regulation, maybe its naturally lowering testosterone. Maybe you actually have some nawing issues as you get older and satisfaction has decreased which are on your mind but not front and center. It could be general slowing down with age. The root of the cause could well do with a general medical examination. Because motivation is linked to health in many respects. It could be something simple as not enough iron, zinc, magnesium or some other nutrient, thats why a blood test will help, as well as check the heart and organs, for cancers and other things. So in other words, a 6 monthly/yearly health check. It could be stress.

I hope that helps. Really, the health check especially because we live with ourselves daily and don't notice a decline in any one thing, could be what it is. It could be fat in the blood, etc, as in maybe the past 3 months you ate a meat pie more often and its had a minor chain reaction... or it could be blood cell related. Motivation is linked to energy levels too. That would be a great place to start and won't take much of an effort. It could even be sleep patterns that are not regular. It could be skin cancer, now you're late 20s thats worth checking out. Crap like that sucks the resources of the body.

If you have high salt in your bloodstream for example, can raise blood pressure, you may not sleep as well, and that can wear you down over time, so too if you smoke or some other vice. A person reduces salt in the diet (a well balanced diet) and suddenly they lose a lot of stress and their hypertension or something decreases (especially if there's heart problems in the family) and lo and behold they sleep a lot better and deeper and more on time. Then they experience higher energy levels and it flows on from there. Just by gaining say 2 hours of 'effective' sleep perhaps nightly even if they are still sleeping only 8, that can do the trick if the 8 is in fact worth 10 instead of maybe 6. But you'd need a check-over and blood test from your GP.

[–]EventineGrey1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Btw, hair transplant is really common and affordable in Turkey, very high quality too, look into it. About the rest, well my man, you are already a boss and you're killing it, feel good about it. Search for some passive income and have a little break, go on an adventure, travel the world, fuck some thots, think about your dream life/work and go for it, step by step, you and you godly work ethic will get you there. And fuck the other 6'5 white males, they aint shit. If you have some game, confidence, style and charisma (all workable and attainable), you can conquer the world. Go have a vacation and get on it boss. Cheers.

[–]antariusz1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ll never be able to compete with a 6’5” intelligent, driven, handsome man. Thank god I’m 36 years old and have not once met one.

Compete against reality, not some fantasy. You only have to be better than the men around you. Be the best man you know, and importantly, be the best man that the women you meet know.

[–]throwitpplaway2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Do u goal set?

[–]ohyesimthatguy2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

No I don't, is there a specific method that you use for goal setting?

[–]throwitpplaway3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Idk bro but just start setting goals that might help u.

Try looking up SMART goal setting I hear it’s popular and works well which actually reminded me just now to use it.

But set some high goals that might motivate you

[–]erthian0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your needs are changing, and you need to address new areas of your life.

[–]ohyesimthatguy0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks a ton guys, I didn't expect this much support and helpfulness when I posted. Really, thank you all. Lots of great insight here.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dont thank them, they haven't done anything for you. Even a group of apes could eventually spout some truth if they tried, whether they understand what they're saying from experience is another story. Respond to my pm.

[–]Fat7ace0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

M27 Here. Have been in relateable situations, but seem to just be slumps. My TLDR solution (that works for me): LIFT, meditate, diet / nutrition, read, cold showers, and sex (if possible). If you make a routine and stick to it, the days get better. Going through mini spurts of monk mode type shit has really helped. Self care is super important, if you are healthy you will feel a significant amount better. Again, this is all just what has worked for me! Good luck!

[–]mrrooftops0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're at the age when most people commit suicide because of disillusion around what they thought the world and they would be vs what it actually is and who they really are in it. Don't be an unoriginal sheep like them.

[–]Andgelyo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

OP, I am your age, and I feel the same way sometimes. The only exception is that I am at least semi attractive (or at least I’ve been told by others). I’m also only about 5’8/5’9. I can guarantee you though that we absolutely can be top tier men. When I was lifting heavy and 10lbs lighter, wearing fitted clothing, I was receiving massive IOIs from all kinds of girls (tall, short, black, white, etc). If you’re balding, maybe get a hair transplant. Maybe dress nicer. Be more social. There’s absolutely no reason that you cannot be top tier. Yeah, those guys might be taller, but think about how about guys are completely out of shape and have no sense of style? It’s easier to stand out by taking care of yourself, when most guys look like slobs.

[–]Matthias_Foley350 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Reach down and find your nutsack. Still got em? Good. You are a man. You have your own wants, desires, and goals. Figure them the fuck out and go get em, son!

PS- C students hire the A and B students while D students have buildings named after them. Just food for thought.

[–]vocalistsXD0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Never sabotage yourself and unlearn your emotions.

[–]buddboy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do have any useless vices? Video games, drugs, porn etc?

​

I'll never forget this ex co worker. He was pretty beta for the most part but didn't have a single vice, didn't even drink coffee, didn't watch tv. And so he had all this free time and was always doing interesting projects. He even welded me a lamp which was the nicest thing anyone ever made me. Meanwhile the rest of us are just kinda floating through life trying to "kill time" anywhere we can before we get our next "fix" which for me I guess is alcohol

[–]masterpiece000 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

If you've got the money then just hire escorts who will be way hotter than normal girls, you won't waste your time chasing and paying for dates - you don't need to be X tall and X%, pay them, fuck them then get on with your week, why complicate things??

[–]Vikingcel0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Paying for sex is gay

[–]masterpiece000 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

You always pay - escort or uni girl...

[–]Vikingcel0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Nah

Spending time having fun and flirting with a random chick before slamming her pussy is not payment.

Spending time laying bricks so you can save up for a hooker and then have fake enthusiastic sex... That's payment and gay.

[–]masterpiece000 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah time of your life you can never get back, and most girls will waste your time with you expecting sex at the end, that you probably wont receive.
Hence time = money.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2024. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter