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Coming to terms with being attractive (self.asktrp)

submitted by BetamaxOrVHS

i recently read a post on trp where op stated it took him a while to come to terms with the fact that women now found him attractive. is this a common mental roadblock people encounter on their trp journey? b/c either i'm going through this, or i'm just more delusional than i used to be and thanks to reading trp take EVERYTHING as a sign of attraction. here are two examples from this past weekend...you be the judge:

-i was walking to my car to grab my juul. there was a girl in little ass shorts that couldn't have been more than 22 standing outside a bar near where my car was parked. as soon as my posterior chain entered her field of view, i heard an audible "ohhhhh". i shook it off: "i'm hearing things. or maybe the gay guy she was standing with made a witty remark. girls aren't vocal like that." then after grabbing my juul, i walked past her again. this time she looked me right in the eye and gave me a once over followed by a thumbs up. i told myself that could literally have meant anything.

-i was posted up in front of a bar where my friend works. i had to drop something off to him, so while i was waiting for him to come down i was just people watching and juuling. at some point a large group of people came down to smoke. this girl - i'll call her m - was with them. hb7 tops. anyway, i used to hang out at this place a bunch like 3-4 years ago way before i got swole. i used to see m around all the time back then, but i don't think she ever even acknowledged my existence. a few weeks ago though i saw her in front of another bar and caught her looking. anyway, as soon as she came down, i got the sense that i didn't have to say anything to her, that she would find some excuse to start talking to me. sure enough that's exactly what happened. "hey i'm m. i just wanted to introduce myself.." she threw in some excuse for why she felt the need to say hi. i met my friend a short time after that and had to leave, but by then my thought process was "eh, she was just being nice. you probably looked like some lonely retard. that whole thing where you caught her staring at you was a figment of your imagination. pretty girls say hi to people they don't know all the time"

i realize both of these stories are whack - like a premise w/o a punchline. and ultimately it shouldn't even matter if they like me up front or not (be your own mental point of origin!) but man things are so much easier when you know the girl thinks ur hawt.

for reference, i'm 6'2 205 lbs ~18% bf.


[–]HurricaneHugues253 points254 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

"-i was walking to my car to grab my juul."

😑 We get it, you vape.

[–]DramaticGrade61 points62 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I came to the comments section for the sole purpose of finding a comment about the juul

[–]HurricaneHugues25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I got you my guy

[–]BetamaxOrVHS[S] 30 points31 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

this made me laugh.

[–]zboo1h6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Vape God

[–]junior83tx 1 points [recovered]  (5 children) | Copy Link

I want to shit on you for smoking, or in this case vaping. But I’ve had way too much success by smoking with a girl at a club or bar socially. But I can smoke without ever craving a cigarette the next day, or ever. The fact that it’s a vape makes me think you can’t, because I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who vapes for any reason but as an excuse not to smoke.

In your case I’d say work very hard at quitting that.

[–]waking-life2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Man I vaped for 4 years because I loved it, and would have stayed on it forever if my lungs could handle it. Loved every second of vaping.

[–]mikrodizels 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

How did vaping affect your lungs?

[–]waking-life0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have asthma and mild COPD so just don't need to make those things worse.

[–]BetamaxOrVHS[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

i was never a smoker, but i go thru 1.5 juul pods a day. i vape more than any former or current smoker i know. it doesn't seem to effect me at all.

[–]jackandjill220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Right.

[–]spencg34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Go with your gut. You already know the answer.

A girl gave you a thumbs up. A GODDAMN THUMBS UP!! The other girl cold-approached you said yourself she went down there to smoke. If she was just being polite and wanted to make some lonely guy feel better she would have invited you to smoke or invited you to go to her. Instead she left her group of friends to talk to you. She wanted you for herself

Both of these girls wanted you bro. Congrats!! Your hard work is paying off!!

[–]newflame9766 points67 points  (18 children) | Copy Link

Almost this same thing happened to me. I would make the case that almost every single guy that applies TRP principles will see this profound effect in their lives to varying levels. For me, I was a very tall ugly MF. Lifting/haircut/clothes upgrade flipped things upside down.

It was super bad for me. One of my boys and I had coffee spontaneously with one of his female friends. She was super flustered around me, and I was so confused why she was acting so weird. After I left, she confessed to my friend that she was finding it "difficult to breathe" when I was with them.

I convinced myself he was lying. Then a couple of months later, a nearly identical situation happens where a female friend tells me that the girl we were with thought I was attractive and that was confirmed when she texted me multiple times asking when we could hang again.

So basically, yes this is a real thing that you have to come to grips with. You fake it, and then at some point you realize there's no need to fake anything anymore because you have started to become the man you were destined to be. And then you just keep going.

[–]FuckMeHarderDebty12 points13 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

At what point did you comes to terms with it. I still look in the mirror sometimes and think I'm terrible looking. I've had so many girls say I'm attractive and it's not really hitting the right spot ig.

[–]Project_Zero_Betas4 points5 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Define "come to terms with it."

[–]FuckMeHarderDebty5 points6 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

Think of myself as attractive

[–]Project_Zero_Betas16 points17 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

YOU don't have to think you're attractive, but if attractive girls are hitting on you, it's hard to ignore the empirical evidence, no? Unless you think you're low SMV and aren't picking up on high SMV girls' IOIs, but that might be for a different thread.

[–]FuckMeHarderDebty7 points8 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

I think my anxious ass brain always just overthinks it and gives reasons for what happens besides me being attractive

[–]EnemyAsmodeus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's not easy to figure out unless you are "already peak attractive."

Girls typically don't hit on guys because they are way more anxious than guys.

Girls typically don't initiate, they have low T.

So the confusion is that, if you're getting girls hitting on you, you are probably extremely attractive.

For most above-average guys, even they will not feel much "getting hit on."

I remember the hot girl in class squeezed my ass-cheeks like 15 years ago and thought I was hot, but I only got hotter, taller since then, and I gained muscles since 15 years ago, and the girls became more anxious and reserved. I never get hit on. I'm always hitting on girls. Maybe girls were just hornier in school, I don't know.

I talk to pretty girls at the club and can build attraction sometimes but again, there are no obvious signs usually until you built it up.

In fact, scientifically, girls are known to require "starting up their engine". Their attraction to men isn't instant. Their hormonal response probably is much slower than guys who just see a hot girl and go "I wanna fuck"

If girls are giving you IOI and making excuses to talk to you, you are either very muscular/tall, or very attractive. HB8, HB9s will tolerate me talking to them, but I can mess it up. They don't show obvious signs of attraction usually.

[–]Project_Zero_Betas0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

Speaking from experience, you might not be particularly goodlooking (although if you weren't I'm sure a crazy girl from your past and /u/observationalhumor would've sent you to jail by now), but your SMV may be high. Looks matter a lot less for girls than they do with guys.

[–]FuckMeHarderDebty0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

Thats what I think has been happening. I got a couple good features if you ignore the face all together like height and blue eyes. Skinny ig is better then overweight too?

[–]Project_Zero_Betas0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

I saw some research that showed girls rated skinny/overweight guys equally attractive (i.e. BMI 15 versus 35), it's only at the morbidly obese end that they get turned off (i.e. BMI 40+).

[–]FuckMeHarderDebty0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Gotta get big then ig. My bmi is actually 20

[–]datingapppro5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You sound like me. I was always tall but was skinny fat and had zero style with clothes or hair, along with lame hobbies. Solid face but no dating experience (first kiss was at 19 in college lmao)

But the above gave me a high ceiling. Once the red pill was applied it’s night and day. Sadly I kind of live on the attention now. Dating apps are fantastic, match with almost everyone i swipe with. It’s rare for me to go to a bar with friends for a night and not get approached by a decent looking woman. If a woman doesn’t seem into me or flirt with me in some point I’m left surprised.

So yea, still adjusting to it.

[–]EnemyAsmodeus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Congratz, I typically never see women approach men. Nearly never happens.

[–]BetamaxOrVHS[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

sometimes when i'm really in disbelief, i start telling myself things like, "i bet people were always this friendly to you and you just don't remember or didn't notice"

[–]SpinPlates40 points41 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I went through this as well in my late teens/early 20s. I was a big kid and lost a ton of weight and got pretty jacked. Discovered the gym at 18 and by 21 I was 190lbs at 10% BF (6'1)

Growing up every adult, every source of media and every female peer will tell you "GiRls VaLuE PeRiSoNaliTy oVeR LooKs"

Which is complete bullshit. Women have more strict beauty standards than men. Young men are beat over the head with the "Just be a nice /funny guy and you too can land a beautiful wife and white picket fence"

My world was upside down when I was about 19 and had lost a lot of weight. My jawline was coming in and...women were actually going out of their way to talk to me? It felt so weird. It felt like I was cheating. It felt like I was lied to my entire life?

My the time I was 25 and doing male modeling and posting my modeling photos on tinder, girls were DMing me on insta and tinder talking about how sexy I am and when we are going to meet up. Someone even asking when can we fuck.

It's definitely a new chapter in your life. Just appreciate you are tall and handsome. Don't fuck fat or ugly girls because you're bored. Keep your standards high and your squats low.

[–]Musicgoon10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm going to only half agree and half disagree. about 7 ish years ago I was a super fat fuck.. that being said, my game and social skills were on point. I could and did pull hot girls. My stamina in bed sucked and I was moody.

I later decided to lift. It was the one piece of RP advice I didn't follow. Let me just say, that it made a vast difference in how easy it was to get laid and how much better I feel. All of it is important, but at the very least have game and social skills. Looks can improve over time with work and dedication.

[–]SpinPlates10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't know what you're disagreeing with because I agree with what you said.

[–]EnemyAsmodeus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Definitely you are blessed. Keep standards high. Dump girls who are dishonest and have bad values.

You need to pick out the best. Don't settle.

[–]zboo1h14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When I was between 20 and 22 and spent a whole lot of time having my older friends get me into bars to get drunk and watch bands, I went home with a lot of girls and was so naive to their intentions that I didn't even fuck them, EVER. Not one time. I had just got out of the only relationship I had ever been in (for 3 years) and had no idea what I was doing, and didn't really figure I was any kind of attractive either. Not ugly, but not attractive.

You have a bad mindset, which can be difficult but not impossible to change. You need internal validation, something that makes you really feel how worthy you are. The first step, though, is to actually make yourself worthy. You're probably attractive, great, now why don't you turn yourself into a hot dude who also feels like he deserves things because of all the hard work you put into ________? Feel good about the hot chick blowing you because you're such a good __________. And so on.

Get at it.

[–]Psychological_Radish9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Of course. From my teens up through my early 20s I was the typical incel nerd invisible to girls. Didn't kiss or get laid until I was 21. Even before I found TRP I had started changing everything about myself...grooming, style, started lifting.

I remember the first time an HB8 girl called me "really hot" after we made out. I truly thought this girl was way out of my league. It was stunning.

Or the first time two different girls checked me out and said "you have a nice ass" as I was walking home alone from the bars one night. Again, I was so flabbergasted that I just said "thanks" and kept walking.

Then there was the first time a cute girl opened me at the bar and bought me a shot.

In most of these "firsts," I ended up self-sabotaging. I felt deeply embarrassed to receive such attention, perhaps due to low self-esteem. I think a lot of guys suffer from a sort of "impostor syndrome" after TRP. What will happen when she finds out that I'm a fraud, that I'm really not as interesting or charming as she thinks I am?

It takes a while to internalize success, but I have to say that this is a good problem to have.

[–]MusicSports38 points39 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

Yeah dude 2 girls tried to fuck you and you said no thanks i'm a lonely retard and posted about it on reddit.

This is the shit why people over 6'2 have to explain to short people like me why having height means getting your foot in the door then getting kicked out when you have no game.

At the same time it's the fishbowl analogy where tall attractive people that have been that their whole life think shit like this is just people being friendly. Until I got attractive and started improving my dress, legit not a single girl introduced themselves to me my whole 21 year life unless I was with one of my tall attractive friends. People are not fucking friendly unless they want something from you. Otherwise you might as well be a ghost. Anyone that's a genuinely kind and friendly person has been through some awful shit in their life and is trying to make sure they don't bring that on anyone else because they know what it feels like.

Shit pisses me the fuck off because at the end of the day it's just you trying to get one of us to say "yeah dude you're hot" when you could have been hearing that from one of these girls as you were fucking her. But hey i'm here saying it so I guess you got what you wanted. Maybe one day you'll actually try to sleep with one of these girls and you'll see that that's way better.

Read the fucking sidebar, have some damn confidence in yourself, and try to fuck someone because it's way easier than people make it out to be. The same way you'll make time to fuck someone you want to, girls make time and make themselves available. Nobody's making themselves available for something that isn't worth their time. Fuck.

[–]vullnet12310 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I’m 6’4” and don’t really have chicks introducing themselves to me randomly 🤷‍♂️. Most are receptive when I talk to them but you’re acting like all I have to do is exist to get laid without any effort

[–]Jabbermouth16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Have you tried being less ugly?

[–]vullnet1232 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Nah , for some reason some women find my Hephaestus looking ass attractive. Beats me

[–]Jabbermouth2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it right? Keep on the good fight, my tall brethren

[–]MusicSports3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Most are receptive when I talk to them but you’re acting like all I have to do is exist to get laid without any effort

That's not what I said at all. I'm saying that when people have always been attractive and they're so used to people being overly friendly they think people treat every other person like that. I used height as a simple example to frame what I was saying. OP has girls introducing themselves to him for whatever reason, and he's not getting anywhere because he has no drive to go after what he wants. My post isn't about height specifically it's about taking action with game when someone already sees you as the prize.

[–]cakefmateus4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

tbh is not that simple. Some people are mind fucked, that's why you will see ugly guys with good looking women, he may be ugly but his mindset is great so he can pull off some chicks.

I think I'm a good looking guy, not here to make points of why I am but I have some problems with confidence, most of it comes from my childhood and family so I kinda get it things like that. The mind is one of the most underrated tools we have, if you have a great mindset you'll go places just by that alone. The mind is the only thing that can stop anyone at their tracks, it's fucking incredible.

[–]EnemyAsmodeus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I almost never see an ugly guy with a girl.

Let me put it this way: I see tons of old fat ugly guys in their 60s with beautiful whores who look like they had too much surgery.

I see tons of phenomenally attractive guys with fat girls or ugly girls.

I see attractive guys with attractive girls.

I never see ugly guys, fat guys, or short guys with good looking girls (unless 60+ and rich).

Attitude cannot possibly be enough but it will help.

[–]Vikingcel21 points22 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Don't be angry.

[–]EnemyAsmodeus2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But you're a vikingcel, how are you not angry? You can't even pillage anymore these days...

Some people are born genetically blessed and the 80% is going to be a little angry about it.

I watched a high schooler at a gym work out. The guy had no idea what he was doing but he was so jacked and beautiful... And I was like "well maybe he's a pro who just is taking it easy today..." And then this guy came to me and asked for advice from me confirming he's a high school sports guy who doesn't know anything... He was basically more muscular than me despite probably working out 5-7 years less than me.

[–]BetamaxOrVHS[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

"At the same time it's the fishbowl analogy where tall attractive people that have been that their whole life think shit like this is just people being friendly. "

that's not me at all. like i mentioned in my post, i used to see this girl around 3-4 years ago and she (like pretty much everyone else) never once said shit to me because although i was tall, i was probably like 175, 25+% bf and dressed like a hipster faggit.

[–]MusicSports1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

height means getting your foot in the door then getting kicked out when you have no game.

Part of game is not dressing like a hipster faggot and being 25% bodyfat. I never said YOU were always attractive. You had no game and were physically awful. Now you're fine physically with still awful game, hence why you called yourself a lonely retard at the end of your post.

I'm just going to stop commenting on here because if people don't read the sidebar, why would they thoroughly read a response to their question trying to help them. Good luck with whatever you're trying to do.

[–]DevilMayCry4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Stop vaping

[–]kayfab2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, why is this person coming to term for being attractive, usually its the opposite, i call this bullshit.

Yes being top fit helps a lot i am 47 now and a far cry of what i look like when i was 25 but am working at it, when i was 25 i had girls come up to me all the time complimenting me on my butt and eyes.......

Still train and do things for you not for anyone else.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just goes to show, it's always the mentality and belief of the winner that will win, no matter how good you look. It doesn't matter how valuable you are, if you don't know your value and aren't ready to own it. It's the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. Clearly, being better looking makes lives easier, helps, but if you can't close and don't believe you can close, don't believe you have a good product, you could get a 1000 inbound leads and it still wouldn't matter. At some point, you stop feeling sorry for yourself, and sell.

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K182 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nah man. Chicks are thumbs upping you, and introducing themselves because they think you're ugly.

Time to adjust your frame. Prize mentality.

[–]Radinax1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I been lifting for a year now and I get the feeling women see me more attractive but I just cant believe it.

[–]ScabbyAnkles1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

.

[–]tearsofgaia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Interesting to see how others are in the same boat as me. For me it was a not only coming to terms with being attractive, but also with changes in my personality and that people suddenly seemed to like me instantly. How we perceive ourselves is largely based on experiences in the past. To make matters worse, we are biased towards negative feedback from our environment. Suddenly receiving positive feedback primarily results in a cognitive dissonance where we struggle to incorporate this new information into our self-image. Coming to appreciate myself as an extroverted, confident, strong man others do in fact look up to and ask for guidance has been my main focus the last four years - not only in my personal life but especially in my professional life where I'm coaching adolescents.

[–]mrp_awakening0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is simple... pickup and really frame 101. Always assume attraction. At least until you get a hard no. Treat soft no's as the shittests they usually are.

[–]rnsbrum-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ye same thing here, women used to not even look at me, now I'm fucking swole braaah fvvvvvark and women literally throw themselves at me, especially older women (30+). Younger women though are much easier because they literally stare me down. i don't make any advances towards them anymore because sex has become so meaningless, kinda funny 'cause when you can have it any time you want it loses value. I was at a such a point that I literally fucked a girl without even saying ONE WORD! It was at a pool party and we were all pretty high so that might have played a part.

It just goes to show you how height(6'0+) and a physique can get you so much further without any effort. I remember just standing besides short people(manlets) and how it made me stand out so much

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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