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Wtf happened?! Worse before it gets better? (self.askMRP)

submitted by Wagzdaddy

Stats: 5’10” 170lbs. Squat: 210 OH press:100 Deadlift: 250 Bench: 140 Row: 130

Background: 43yrs, wife 49. Married 14yrs. Blue pill faggot all of them. Been RP aware and swallowed the pill 6 mo. ago. Devoured the sidebar (and continue reading and lurking) and had all the usual ups and downs. Owned my shit, lifted with dedication immediately, STFU etc. Began Krav Maga lessons, hooked up with friends more and went out more. Just spent time away from wife. Went about with a DGAF attitude and sex came back quick with wife. Not great but when denied learned to have OI. And when given starfish railed her through the mattress. Said “no” to her. Walked and talked with a purpose. The “change” was noticeable to everyone. Most important the change was noticeable to me. I felt alive and happier (and by extension the entire family) than I’ve ever been.

Current: 2 mos ago things really came around. I had been working on abundance with number closes with HB 7 and 8s. I began in earnest, and naturally, to dominate her in the bedroom. Dirty talk ie “ your my slut” with agreement from her. Unbelievable fucking sessions. Doing shit we have never done or been a looong time since. Anal, CIM, sex toys, dirty talk ie she’s my slut.

Then, I had some lack of OI when denied and the sex slacked. I had resistance and felt that I had to remain stoic and continue on my journey and get back to basics mainly focusing on me. Just ...do...me. Had great success with frame lately and just not having her in my head at all. Shit tests came back hard. Been awhile. This time I had the frame better to deal with it. First started a couple weeks ago with her suddenly NOT OK with me “taking her” when I feel like it. Watch what they do not what they say right? Last couple months she obviously enjoyed my assertiveness and dominance. I took this as a test. I AA and said “I was under the impression that was the best sex of your life!” Then two days later I fuck her silly. Wants it hard.

Fast forward to yesterday and suddenly she thinks I shouldn’t be going to the gym so often and says I’m only thinking of myself. I fog and agree and say true I am thinking of myself. She shuts up. Mind you I’m not neglecting anything at home such with daughter or owning my shit.

Last night I go to gym again after cold shoulder and sexual denial from her. She brings up later that “the new me is arrogant” and she doesn’t like it. She is still pissed that I laughed off her concerns having sex with her when only I want it. Btw gaming and kino, feelzing up on the ass and just generally touching the wife again. Also having fun with treating her like the little girl, oldest child in the house. I then give the meow to her and grin and she says that’s what she’s talking about. Says I won’t be laughing when we separate. I say ok. Says the concert we are going to she won’t go and to take someone else. I say ok cool. She storms out of bedroom to sleep on couch. Maintaining frame just trying to foresee my next move, besides continuing my MAP, and of course what I could’ve done different. I’m doing solid and want the marriage to continue. At a complete loss that’s why I’m here. This just escalated quickly! Should’ve backed off? Not a comfort test but shit test I need to weather? I can take the brutal honesty I know is coming my way.

TLDR: First time poster. I’ve gone from a fresh noob to confident man with Alpha qualities leading the house and wife and family on adventures. Insane, uninhibited fucking to a complete 180. I believe I showed past beta me again with lack of OI and felt I needed to start over only her to resist everything about me that was working to improve my life.


[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine29 points30 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Golden Ratio = .618.

Naturally occurring in nature and in Bitch Management tm

Always maintain a ACR (alpha/comfort ratio) of 3:1. For every 3 dick moves, give her 1 dose of comfort.

Activates her intermittent reward system - how casinos get gamblers addicted and why women love bad boys- Chad tm

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Doesn't work with six-year-older, 49-year-old-grammas.

The equation for them is:

0 + 0 = 0 = 49 - 21 = 28 = :-) = Golden Age for PussyTM (GAP) = OP likes gramma = OP is gay = OP should get a younger woman = "but OP can't" = OP prefers penis.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's fucking brilliant.

Now I want to run it through a Lean process to see how it works.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Penis 100x

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You had me at GAP.

[–]Thorondor_Rising1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

1:pi ratio of comfort:dick moves is my go to.

That's a 68% margin of cocky-dont-give-a-fuck-smartass.

Tell her she's cute when shes angry next time.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (21 children) | Copy Link

You’re lacking comfort. You’re fearful that comfort = beta = bad and you’ll switch back to the old you. And you got some results - sex came roaring back. But the pendulum has swung too far.

I just found this and wish I had months ago. Explains the dynamic happening with you.

I fucked this up good too. Much better now that I got out of the whole “this is alpha and alpha = good; this would be beta and beta = bad” mindset. You need both - they’re two sides of the same coin which is the oak.

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2014/07/why-being-asshole-alpha-works-for-about-six-months/

[–]Iammrp24 points5 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

He does need to give comfort but not in response to her behavior else he rewards her for having a tantrum. Give comfort for good behavior OP.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like he has moved into the realm of shitty comfort tests.

Each of the things he’s listed here are her (in a shitty way) seeking comfort.

*When we separate

*You take someone else

Instead of “ok” something like “why would I want to separate?”... kiss on the forehead. That’s what she is seeking.

[–]red-iron-man7 points8 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

LongRoad_518 knows what he's talking about when it comes to "shitty comfort tests". I wish there was more on this topic in the sidebar, because my problem was I used to get these a lot and handle them as shit tests too.

For me shitty comfort tests are a combination of her insecurity + her desire to protect herself by putting a wall up.

In my case my wife had many bad experiences growing up fat and being teased / bullied. So she developed a defense mechanism of becoming overly defensive as a way to stand up for herself in adulthood. So she'd get insecure she'd handle it in a nasty way.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The problem with explaining shitty comfort tests is that they’re more to do with the context of what’s going on, body language, tone vs what’s said. What’s being said looks like a shit test but everything else is screaming comfort.

This is one of those things guys just have to see and get through.

[–]Iammrp21 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

When I read "shitty comfort tests" I had an aha moment. These come from years of failed comfort tests, and she's acting out from insecurity and defensiveness. In this case OP may need to give comfort even though it's rewarding bad behavior. Someone needs to write about this and flesh out these ideas/share experiences. Ahem /u/LongRoad_518

[–]red-iron-man2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I had the same aha moment from /u/LongRoad_518 when he talked about shitty comfort tests in a recent OYS. However you just clarified it even more in my mind. The danger to failing comfort tests over a long period of time is not only having to deal with shitty comfort tests, but you're opening it up for "BETA" Chad to come in and sweep her off her feet. You can be in the best shape, be attractive to her, focus on your mission and living life for yourself. However if you're failing comfort tests (especially over a long period of time), the attention from a lesser/unattractive man becomes very powerful to your little unicorn because she feels she's not getting it from you. I think a lot of the advice on this subreddit relates to guys who are no longer attractive or respected by their honeys, so they're dealing with shit tests. However when the problem is comfort tests (no issues with attraction or respect, etc) the advice to STFU or A&A is often the wrong way to go.

[–]Iammrp20 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Possibly. I know I've failed every comfort test for years. I still do. My wife has said on multiple occasions if we get divorced she's not interested in another man. Women have a hard time pairing with someone that is less than their previous partner even if they suck at comfort. But someone who is equal with the beta/comfort qualities will sweep her off her feet.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My wife has said on multiple occasions if we get divorced she's not interested in another man.

Yeah, and mine said she'd be a nun. Women say random shit that means nothing.

If she doesn't feel secure she'll eventually leave for Beta Billy. Then she'll leave Beta Billy for Chad because there's no tingles. That's why in an LTR you need the balance -> tingles and security.

My wife was 100% convinced I was actively making plans to leave her and was actively cheating due to zero comfort. That's not a good thing.

It's also not a good thing if your wife doesn't believe that you COULD leave or cheat.

So there's the balance -> she needs to feel that you COULD do it, but also feel you're not doing it.

[–]Iammrp20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup

[–]red-iron-man1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What she says is not always what she will feel when in a certain situation.

[–]Iammrp20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

True

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What she says is what she's feeling... at that moment.

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s good advise. I see the shitty comfort test aspect. She was sooo worked up and pissed that I basically ignored. But it will come again and I’ll use that. It makes sense. It’s been ALL alpha and no beta. I’ve foolishly been believing that is what I must continue with.

[–]BostonBrakeJob0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Why fog when she's threatening to leave? Don't get me wrong, I get it. We see it for what it really is. But that doesn't change the fact that she's being a cunt about it.

It really all comes down to the man, what he wants, and what his woman brings to the table. But for me, that shit either gets ignored, nuked, or the bitch fucked out of her in the middle of her tantrum.

For the formulators....shitty comfort test = shitty comfort response.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In my case, I saw it as a direct reflection of myself. I was being a dick. I was saying shit just to hurt her... because I was angry. No positive feelz.

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

That is exactly it! I feel like if I step off the gas and go back to giving comfort things will explode. And it’s just the opposite. Actually I’m almost not sure how to give this comfort. I believe I just can’t be scared to show some beta but from my frame and I’m good. There is a difference.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You realized it already - do it from your frame.

Don’t do it to get anything in return. Do it because you want to. If she doesn’t appreciate it - so what, that’s a her problem.

This is where i was three months ago.

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/bwc729/am_i_missing_something_or_awalt/

This was good advice from FereallyRed and applies to you.

All I get here is bitterness and resentment from you still living in her frame and reacting like a butthurt little boy.

You have no stats and I'm not interested enough to dive into your post history, but it sounds like you're believing your 1000 foot rope has been payed out, but you're not seeing a reaction.

Your rope is longer because you added coils at the beginning (still giving her too much engagement and power)that are masking your connection now.

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly. Great advice and I see everything clearly now. In fact, I did that exactly. I gave her some comfort and words this evening from a calm frame. And immediately got a sincere apology which I of course accepted. Yours and everyone else’s advise is golden. Much appreciated.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m glad you posted this because it’s what I was about to go find for OP lol

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very good point, guys are scared to fall back into beta ways by showing just a little comfort.

Basically means lack of frame and he is still trying to reach a form of equilibrium that is eluding him.

[–]escapethesolarsystem0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the best advice.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sup Rambo ?

How’s all that chest beating, dick whipping to the face doing for you now ?

Man. STFU. Lift. And, for fucks sake sprinkle some comfort on it.

All you nubees really fuck the comfort up and the AA AM like you some kinda autistic geniois

[–]dilberryhoundog12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Dirty talk ie “ your my slut” with agreement from her. Unbelievable fucking sessions. Doing shit we have never done or been a looong time since. Anal, CIM, sex toys, dirty talk ie she’s my slut.

Is this really you? are you making her a slut because it is a "must have" in your relationship? or because the bros on the internet told you that you should do it? I have a feeling that although she is exhilarated by your slut forcing, she is starting to hamster hard about her integrity and standards. ie she likes it and wants to please you, but doesnt want to be a slut.

I too have had a sexual revolution, but have decided to fuck how I (really) like it. I usually just stick to my favorite position that gives me the right angle etc, and (the most important part) she feels my strength and power, because thats what she signed up for ;). I definately get creative sometimes but it is a "treat" not a requirement. Also she has some boundaries from my BP days that I still respect, we don't do anal, or tying up shit or sex toys etc. Funny thing is if she loves what im doing, and I love what im doing, she doesn't think I'm less of a man because I didn't fuck her up the ass.

I only know what you've told me here, so I may be wrong. but I definitely think you've gone Rambo in the bedroom.

​

Fast forward to yesterday and suddenly she thinks I shouldn’t be going to the gym so often and says I’m only thinking of myself. I fog and agree and say true I am thinking of myself. She shuts up. Mind you I’m not neglecting anything at home such with daughter or owning my shit.

I see this all the time in OYS. Guy spends his most valuable asset (his attention), on himself at the gym, on himself at home, on his home, on his career, with his friends, on his hobbies, on his children and finally the wife gets some attention in the bedroom. She is your dependant, she needs your attention...

Teach her a new skill, show her the world you can now more easily conquer, challenge her mind by beating her methodically in a board game or with cards, Invite her to share in your abundance (good food, etc), crack some (funny) jokes casually at home (don't make her the butt of em). None of this is happening outside of your frame. Most importantly if she is like a junkie addicted to your attention, you can now REMOVE it and watch her bash through brick walls to regain it. Want her to be your little slut? her hamster (I mentioned above) will be no where to be seen, if the attention she craves gets removed.

Women don't give a fuck about a male with SMV, they give all their fucks about getting attention from a male with SMV, the higher the SMV the more "valuable" the attention.

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yea definitely me. Always has been. And she would’ve been even more into it earlier in our marriage. Unfortunately with her age I understand that time is almost at a end for the fun times. I found the red pill too late for this marriage. We’ll see what the future holds.

[–]Redpillbrigade1710 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Hmmm have seen this before around here. You’re too giggly at how far you’ve come, in such a short amount of time and have started to get used to you being the new IDGAF you. Meanwhile although she first thought it was hot, now sees through it, she’s playing the long game and tests the shit out of you. Now with extra ooomph and tantrums and drama like cancelling plans and sleeping on couch or what not.

Mind you, this may be the best you’ll ever get from her. But the suave, shit eating grin, and learning to say “of course babe,” while doing your own thing in background must return in order for her to get the feelz. You risk becoming too Rambo self absorbed a-hole.

Become the wolf in sheep clothes. Best way to change direction on a moving horse is sloooooowly, lest you get thrown off if you make too sudden moves.

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Make sense. The IDGAF attitude is so pervasive I’m looking at her as just someone I can’t show “beta” emotions to. From a strong frame I know that is ok. And in my situation I think I need to pull back and “do my own thing” but let her know that I care and show her that I’m not a fucking robot.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Mmslp talks about misinterpreting an actual comfort test for a shit test... epic fail when you act AA towards it. Read it.

[–]Redpillbrigade1711 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This . OP, apply this short rule of thumb : anything that starts with “you” is a shit test. Respond accordingly. Anything that starts with “I”, usually things like “I feel this I feel that”, that tends to be a comfort test. Again, respond appropriately.

Importantly, you can reliably ignore everything she says, but you must not act like you don’t care how she feels.

[–]0io-Tsundere4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe someone already put it in the comments but expect it to take 1-2 months for every year you were doing it wrong to turn the ship around completely. So you were messing up for 14 years, it's going to take a solid year (probably two) for everything to get back on track. Just keep working on yourself. Brothers here have told you mix in a little comfort, so make sure to do that, too. I wouldn't worry too much about these shit tests. If she does run off it's not a terrible loss for you.

Edit: Remember that you should be fun to be around. There's nothing wrong with arrogant, as long as you're arrogant and fun to be around. If you're arrogant and she never has any fun when she's with you, that's a problem.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Bench of 140.

Alpha qualities.

Thats it boys I am SSJAlpha!

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Fair

[–]AngryBadger423 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just keep lifting ... 🤘

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol.

Don’t miss a fucking beat. Do ya ?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Add some comfort. She’s afraid.

Just don’t do it because she’s begging for it. Do it because you want to.

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Did exactly that this evening. From a strong frame because I wanted to. Got an apology immediately. Moved on. Reset tomorrow and keep on keeping on being awesome.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Groovy.

There's interplay between attraction and comfort that's interesting to note. One way to think about it is that attraction is essentially having power, and comfort is showing that you aren't going to use it to abuse her. This is why comfort without attraction is meaningless.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Pump the brakes, Rambo.

14 years beta, 2 months alpha.

She thinks you're insane.

Revisit the dread steps and read what Jackten says about "verbal intercourse is optional".

[–]UnPussified0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This cannot be stressed enough.

Blow past dread levels too fast, kept escalating & it all blows up.

Apply Cat String theory.

That and "Come over here & sit next to Daddy", well after she calms TF down and on your own terms / timing.

[–]Imaginary_Historian2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I swear, all of the posts lately follow this formula:

  1. Beta finds RP
  2. Beta goes Rambo
  3. Things work for a while, then...
  4. Wife withdraws/cheats/leaves

Sure, all the info is in the sidebar about how to identify and pass comfort tests, but, maybe posting some links for the faggots here who keep posting the same basic shit will stem the flow of this shit lately. Someone already posted one useful link. I'll post another:

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/10/fitness-testing-vs-loyalty-testing/

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In my experience:

"Things work for a while" = nothing changes, except poster's delusions.

[–]FlyingSexistPig1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Welcome to askMRP, Rambo.

You should take this process a lot slower that you are. You were married for 14 years. The progress from Drunk Captain to Captain-and-First-Mate should take 14 months. One month per year of marriage.

When you jump into it too fast, you're going Rambo. You're going to do a lot more damage, and you'll probably just break the marriage instead of fixing it.

[–]mrpthrowa1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She's 49. She's not gonna be "a slut", for much longer anyway. STart accepting this, and if you're not ok with it find alternatives. She had her hey day and, let me assure you, she enjoyed it.

Now is your time.

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The anger is still there. I can’t lie. I know she is about through. Peri menopause and all. What could’ve been if I had know early in my life what I know now. Still angry. But, true can I be happy with my wife when she basically become uninterested in sex? Life is too short I know that. We’ll see.

[–]reddit-guy610 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

WTF is with all these clowns with older women? Marriages to older women don't work. Leave your mommy.

[–]bowhunter60 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

This bitch is done with you. Cut your losses.

A lot of these chumps will tell you to keep grinding and deal with her shit. Tighten up that 1000’ rope. No, just, no. Women have elephant memories; they do not forget how beta you were. If you were never alpha with her (by the sound of those lifts, she never considered you alpha), then she will never accept the new you in the manner in which you so desperately desire.

Stick a fork in her, this one is finished. Have some fucking self respect.

[–]Wagzdaddy[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I hear ya and have pondered this a lot. You are spot on with how i might never change because all she has ever known me as was her beta boy. She may never come around. NOW she seems to be resisting the new me even after a taste of alpha. Makes sense because she loses her control.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's another opinion. Probably a bit early to make that call. From the reading here you do seem to be a little too aloof. She's worried. Make it fun, make it personal. If you throw some comfort from your frame and it still isn't working, then revisit whether she's checked out.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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