TheRedArchive

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8

Wife wants “space”Victim Puke (self.askMRP)

submitted by houndhair

35yrs; 145lbs; 5’8”; 12-14%BF Bench: 185lbs for reps Deadlift: 225lbs for reps Squat: 145lbs for reps (weak I know) Read: NMMNG, WOTSM, MMSLP, MAP, WISNIFG 2 kids: 4.5 yrs & 1.5 yrs.

Context: Since kids, my alcohol addiction severely eroded my wife’s trust in me. 2.5 months ago, after a night of drinking and not coming home, she threatened divorce and wants “space.” Big wake up call. Quit drinking and joined AA. Wish I did it years ago. Realized I’ve been a big bitch since having kids— sought validation through sex cuz it dropped off, the whole nine. Barf. Anyway, been sidebar reading, AA meetings regularly, lifting (for several years) , and generally have come a long way mentally the past two months. I’m in the best physical shape I’ve ever been and feel fucking great. Business is good. Money flowing in.

Unfortunately I fucked up the all important trust aspect of my relationship. It seems that once it’s broken, it’s just something that may never come back. I could be Superman, but the elephant never forgets.

Question: How do I best give my wife the space she is asking for, provide comfort that I am “here”, and still hold frame and be an independent attractive man? Is it possible to rebuild trust?

This is really more of just a victim puke, than a simple question...

The plan is to keep improving myself. That’s really all I can do. I may just have to accept that we’ll have to move on separately. It would be a shame though.

I was curious to hear the collective wisdom of MRP.


[–]PaPaKAPture14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She probably is waiting you out, to see that you are serious and the changes you have made are lasting.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

All parents want a break from the kids from time to time.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes, that is true and definitely applies to the situation. My focus is to own my shit 100% from now on. No room for being weak in a marriage. That’s what therapists are for!

[–]SeamusAwl8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He was referring to your wife having to mother your drunk ass.

[–]houndhair1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes I got that

[–]FoxShitNasty8318 points19 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Here is some advice that someone gave me. Don't chase the cat trying to pet it give the cat space. Let the cat come to you and when it does fuck it good (your missus not the cat).

Live your life, be the best version of yourself. Read the sidebar many many times. Be attractive don't be needy. Start owning your shit weekly.

P.s eat more shut the fuck up and lift

[–]0io-Tsundere10 points11 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Thank god I read this before I tried to fuck the cat! :)

[–]RoccoPinkman16 points17 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

No shit, somebody sent me a video earlier today of an old Chinese guy fucking a chicken. Disgusting, soon as I shot my load I turned it straight off.

[–]FoxShitNasty83-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I find that offensive I'm not Chinese

[–]RoccoPinkman1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s ok by me, I’m like 1/4 Chinese.

[–]RoccoPinkman-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol I got the joke now, I’m definitely not eating eggs at your house

[–]FoxShitNasty837 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My actual cat died of AIDS, true story. I did not touch it.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You really don't have a lot of luck with pussy, do you?

[–]FoxShitNasty837 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nope but the dog seems super keen

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I mean I wouldn't touch the cat with my dick either bro... even with protection. That's risky with AIDS.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Uhhhh...read what?

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, need to jump in the OYS. Not being needy is paramount. Always gotta check myself on this. Thanks.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret9 points10 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Your exceptional track record, or lack thereof, means nothing to her.

Only what feelz you can provide to her here and now. Problem is, faggotry is a hard thing to overcome in 2.5 months. Just keep doing you, soldiering on with the sidebar until cum shoot outs your nose and blood out of your dick.

[–]RoccoPinkman7 points8 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

One of the hardest lessons I have learnt is, your long term partner knows you best, they know all of your little faggotty secrets and they can’t wait to remind you of it. It does not matter how much you DHV they were there when you were at your Worst. Once you can overcome that this shit is easy with anyone else.

[–]houndhair1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

I hear ya. That’s really what I’m wondering. Is it even possible to overcome it? Time will tell.

Did you turn around a similar situation ?

[–]RoccoPinkman1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I’m only 250 days in, I’m not sure if it will ever be go away, there are things she can say that sting, like right in the stomach, makes me feel like a little kid again but it will fade eventually. One day I’ll be so sure of myself that it will have zero effect. I’m sure she won’t ever forget, what else will she have, right?

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Your track record is useless to her, faggot or success.

It only matters what you can provide.

[–]RoccoPinkman1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Good point.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

From The Way of the Superior Man (on the sidebar):

A man’s track record means nothing to the feminine. A man could be perfect for ten years, but if he’s an asshole for 30 seconds his woman acts like he’s always been one. The feminine responds to the moment of energy, forgetting her man’s history of past behavior. A man’s past behavior is irrelevant to his woman’s feeling in the moment. But men base much on another man’s history of behavior, so they think their own track record should count for something. But to a woman, it doesn’t.

Basically, stop assessing your worth with the metrics that men use to assess their worth. To other men, your track record is an example of who you are and who you can become. To women, they merely care about what you are now.

[–]RoccoPinkman1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I started WOTSM a while back and couldn’t get into it, i think I’ll revisit it, seen it mentioned a lot recently.

A good reminder that women don’t think about Men the men do.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I didn't feel it was great the first read through (I was about a month after finding MRP). I'm re-listening to it now and it resonates much much more. It really is a phenomenal book and really hits home to simply love the feminine for what it is as it's a beautiful thing.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Best book in the sidebar in my opinion.

[–]RoccoPinkman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m definitely going to give it another go

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol. Will do, thanks!

[–]WolfofAllStreetz4 points5 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

5’8 145lbs? Man eat something. Time to start bulking and lifting heavy. Cut the booze for good since you obviously can’t handle it.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your reply. Booze is definitely out for good. I know, my weight is low. Try to get 100g of protein daily. Small frame I guess. My lifts are the highest they’ve ever been. Good physique. Continual progress is the goal. Very mindful to avoid to injury. Fucked up my shoulder in the past due to my ego.

[–]mrbadassmotherfucker4 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Aim for 1 to 1.5g protein per lb of body weight...

I'd aim for 180g tbh.

100 seems too low. Eat more. Eat clean as much as possible.

[–]houndhair2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Interesting. 180g, dang! You know what, fuck it. I’ll try.

[–]rocknrollchuck3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do or do not. There is no "try."

[–]creating_my_life1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

https://mennohenselmans.com/the-myth-of-1glb-optimal-protein-intake-for-bodybuilders/

[–]AlohaMaui8082 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I remember seeing this debunked recently either here or in an OYS. better more accurate studies that were linked showed conclusively that eating more protein led to more lean muscle mass weight gain when compared to the weight gained by those who ate less protein. It should be a minimum of 1g/lb.

[–]creating_my_life0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

If you stumble across any of that, I would love to read it. I target 0.6 to 0.8, mostly based on the links that guy put together. Always happy to learn and change.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

: 1.6 – 1.8 grams per kilogram of body weight might be enough for athletes, but higher intakes may also be warranted depending on a wide variety of factors including energy intake, carbohydrate availability, exercise intensity, duration and type, dietary protein quality, training history, gender, age, timing of nutrient intake, and more.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11023001

[–]AlohaMaui8080 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

SBIII to the fucking rescue

[–]mrbadassmotherfucker0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Interesting read. Still, no harm in consuming around 1g per lb. Gotta fill those macro nutrients up somehow and protein helps you feel less hungry.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

“Protein needs for energy-restricted resistance-trained athletes are likely 2.3-3.1g/kg of FFM [1 – 1.4 grams per pound of fat free mass] scaled upwards with severity of caloric restriction and leanness.”

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/257350851_A_Systematic_Review_of_Dietary_Protein_During_Caloric_Restriction_in_Resistance_Trained_Lean_Athletes_A_Case_for_Higher_Intakes

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I'm not clear on the timeline - was she wanting space 2.5 months ago or now? Is this 'space' as in she wants to separate or is this 'space' like leave me alone for a few hours?

Unfortunately I fucked up the all important trust aspect of my relationship. It seems that once it’s broken, it’s just something that may never come back. I could be Superman, but the elephant never forgets.

This is just an excuse for your current situation. "Oh well, might as well not even try because I fucked it all up". Everyone fucks up. I may not have been an alcoholic but I was a huge faggot.

True story: I used to chase my wife around the house if she got mad begging for forgiveness and she would barricade herself in a room because I was so fucking insane. At one point, I was digging under the door with a broom handle (or stick, I don't remember exactly) trying to move the barricade. This was some fucked up shit.

Worry about what you CAN control - which is the present. Sure the past is there - but you need to fucking OWN it. My wife has brought this incident and I OWN it - "yeah, I was a fucking nutcase". Then move on. You don't DEER on it. Once you OWN it - there's nothing that anyone can say that affects you.

How do I best give my wife the space she is asking for?

You stop worrying about what she is doing and focus your time and energy on improving. If you want to spend \time with her - do so, if she declines that's her problem.

provide comfort that I am “here”

Play the nice card - don't get sucked into her moods.

still hold frame and be an independent attractive man?

You don't have frame... that's ok, but don't pretend you do. Continue reading, lifting, and not being swayed by the moods and opinions of others. That's how you build it.

Is it possible to rebuild trust?

This question is irrelevant to the present. Again, focus on the present. That past can't be changed and it's a waste of time worrying about things in the future outside your control. Can you control if she trusts you again?

[–]houndhair1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Wow, broomsticks under the door! That’s funny thanks for sharing.

Timeline:
2.5 months ago: “it’s over, I want a divorce.”

Present (after putting down the bottle, joining AA, and clearing up a lot of other resentments): “I’m conflicted, I don’t know, I need space.” When she says space, I just take it literally. She needs to spend time apart. Maybe get boned by some other dude, idk lol.

You’re right, I don’t have frame. Obviously I’m writing to strangers about her. I care too much. I’m in her head.

Thank you for your input.

I can only control my behavior and attitude in the present moment.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

2.5 months ago: “it’s over, I want a divorce.”

I thought you were talking about me for a second.

“I’m conflicted, I don’t know, I need space.” When she says space, I just take it literally.

This is in response to a question you're asking. Why are you asking her questions on feelz and for her to make a decision? Stop doing that and keep improving yourself.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow, thanks for sharing that link to your post history.

Did y’all decide to stay together?

Yes, I was dumb for asking. I will not be asking again.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah - everything is good. Most importantly is that I’m in a great place.

Just keep grinding. That’s all I can say. This is all a path the self discovery and being fully authentic with who you are and what you want.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

When a woman says she wants space, it means one thing.. she is either about to swing branches or she is testing a new branch to see if it will hold.

This has been going on for a long time. While you were drunk, her needs were not being met, so she started to look elsewhere.

So, she's either fucking another dude / has fucked another dude / wants to fuck another dude.

Are you too late to salvage this?

The relationship.. probably.

Yourself.. maybe. Depends on how much you want it.

[–]houndhair1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

About branch swinging, or at least wanting to fuck another guy: I’m sure you’re right. AWALT. But I don’t have any proof, so I’m trying not to go down that rabbit hole. But it’s tempting.

I want what’s best for me, unapologetically selfish about that. And I want that like I want air to breathe.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My advice.. stay out of the rabbit hole. You have no idea how big it might be and it's not going to help you unfuck yourself.

By all means, revisit it at a later date if you want but not until your feet are on firm ground.

[–]hack3geRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

At best she’s a good woman and was leaving you so she could pursue someone who showed interest - at worst some dude is balls deep in your wife’s holes and she’s loving it so much she wants it full time.

Either way she’s irrelevant...

[–]SeamusAwl2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Broken trust. Broken life. Broken Marriage.

Read up on Kintsugi. Its the japanese art of pottery repair. Essentially a true master will take a few months gluing it all back together. Here is the kicker. The result isnt a cracked bowl, but one with a spider web of gold lines.

Why would I mention this? Because it takes a lot of careful work and a lot of time to take something broken. Mend the cracks and end up with a much more beautiful and valuable piece of art. Your life is the bowl. You can use the krazy glue, but it will look like shit. Take the time and do the hard work.

How do you regain trust once its broken? By owning the area where you broke that trust and taking unilateral and consistent steps to ensure you dont fail in that area again.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Powerful metaphor. Putting in the work.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Seamus too. In and out but always solid.

[–]0io-Tsundere7 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Good move on quitting drinking. Read Allen Carr's books, they'll make it easy for you to stay quit without going to meetings (unless you particularly want to go to meetings.)

Basically you keep working on yourself and she either decides to come along or not.

The general rule of thumb is that wives don't leave men who are improving, but nobody knows what she'll decide to do. Your plan for yourself is the same either way.

[–]houndhair3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the reply. The meetings have been pretty cool actually. I look forward to them for now. I’ll definitely check out his books. We’ll see if the rule of thumb holds out. Divorce would suck, because we actually like each other and the kids would miss out on a lot of good stuff. And I would feel like a failure. But I know deep down, I’d be fine.

[–]RedPillGlasses0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Actually like each other a lot

Yeah, she’s not going anywhere, as long as you keep your foot on the gas.

If she was going to leave, it would have been in your shithead selfish alcoholic days.

[–]houndhair1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for you reply. That what my ego wanted to hear! Will keep my foot on gas. And keep pushing myself in all ways. That’s the mission simply: be the best I can be, spiritually, and in all my outward facing roles. The reason I think it would be a shame to divorce is because 90% of our time together it’s normal. We joke around, have fun w kids, ect. Then she remembers she’s mad at me and reminds me she wants space when I go in for the kill.

[–]tspitsatgp1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hmm, yeah maybe it is a shame, but that’s life. Ego will make you a dancing monkey, Keep focused on yourself and in 12 months if she isn’t fully checked back-in, and completely on the path to the wife you want, show her the door.

FYI > my STBX and I get along fantastically. I move out next month into my new place. My new place rocks and I cannot wait to start a new decade in style.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, will evaluate after clearing up my side of the street fully. Thanks ! And good luck to you!

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not necessarily.

[–]creating_my_life5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

my alcohol addiction

This one is above our pay grade here. I would advise any spouse to leave a relationship where the other partner is an addict of any substance. Life is too short. To me, she's taking care of herself. Anyways, I do sincerely hope you stay sober. MRP is about fixing the man, not the marriage, and you obviously know where to start. Good for you. I wish you the best.

145lbs; 5’8”

You know that freakishly strong guy who moves some seriously weights while looking skinny? Yeah, that's you. Nobody gives a shit how many plates you move. All that matters socially is how big you are while being under 15% body fat. I'd happily look like The Rock even if my squat was 1 plate. I'd suggest you look at your programming and switch a program designed for mass building. It will likely being higher volume and "easy" weights for you, and lots of compound movements.

I may just have to accept that we’ll have to move on separately. It would be a shame though.

That's the starting point for her choosing to come back to you, and for you being a man worth coming back to.

I wish you the best, sincerely.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the reply. Yes, she feels walked all over. And it seems more of a matter of her self respect. I get it. About lifts, i agree, looks are all that matter. Gaining mass as a skinny dude is tough without roids! Interesting you say higher volume and easy weights to get there. I appreciate your sincerity.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Gaining mass without steroids isn't tough, it just takes discipline. Discipline with what you lift, how you lift, what you eat and how well you sleep.

Less than two years ago I'd never lifted. I was 158lbs and struggled lifting the bar. I'm now 200lbs and have combined lifts of 950lbs.

Discipline, discipline, discipline.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Wow, awesome gains man. 40lbs of muscle is a huge deal. Sleep is the tough one to control for me with two little ones cranking in the night. If you could put on 40lbs then surely I could do at least 10lbs in the next 6 months.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Not if you keep making excuses, you won't.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well that’s definitely true. Question, how much did you eat to gain 40lbs of muscle in two years?

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot.

Depends on your starting weight and how quickly you want to bulk. I aim for 0.5-1lb a week on a bulk.

You up your calorie intake as you grow, so I started on about 2400 calories a day. Now I'm eating 3750 per day.

[–]JoeBuckYourslf2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

“The plan is to keep improving myself.”

This is a good start.

You cannot control her but you can control yourself. Keep reading the books. Keep doing the work.

Good for you for stopping booze. I was there once a long time ago. Once I stopped boozing. every aspect of my life improved ten fold. Build on that and don’t look back.

[–]houndhair1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks! Congrats on your sobriety.

[–]Bedtimeshine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The only way do it is by letting go your need to improve yourself while also trying to provide comfort or being “here.” Become the best version of yourself physically, financially, socially. Focus on only that. Be a man women what. Essentially this is about attraction anyway. Cutting through all the bullshit... at the end of the day this is really about her not wanting to fuck you.

And yes, I’ll bet my next paycheck that another man is in involved.

[–]RedPillGlasses4 points5 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

It’s a victim puke, but at least it’s a good one.

Once you get about 4-5 months in, you’re going to wonder why she’s being a pain in the ass, and why she isn’t following your lead and/or fucking you more.

It takes one month to fix one year of being a drunk captain (literally). So if you’ve been a retard for a decade, it’s going to take almost a year to fix it (minimum).

I HIGHLY doubt you’ve only been a loser since having kids, more likely the day after you got married, but whatever.

Your ego won’t want to hear it (at the 4-5 month point), but it’s your fault for being a shitty father and husband for so long.

Keep your foot on the gas faggot

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (14 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your input. Yup, I own my faults here. Been trying very hard not to slip into DEER mode. With anybody, frankly. And yes, before kids i was a loser. But I was getting enthusiastic sex, so I didn’t care or realize. I think after kids that kicked up her concern on a deep maternal level. Why did I marry this faggot? Who will protect if he’s out god knows where coming home drunk. Married 8 yrs. I got a ways to go....

And yes, I already felt like hey, it’s been 2 months! Need to be patient

[–]RedPillGlasses2 points3 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

If she hasn’t left, then she has still faith.

Three Aspects of a Man:

Boyfriend - hot, fucks her good

Father - raises kids Husband - listens to her feelz, financial provider

You were probably F boyfriend, B father, C husband.

Overall grade D (almost failing, but not quite)

Stay off the booze, get hot as fuck, and fuck her silly (when she’s ready).

Just with that, you raise overall grade from a D to a B, and you will see a world of difference from her.

It really is that simple.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy Link

I like the your 3 aspects of man. It’s a good way to evaluate yourself. Thanks.

I’ll try to be honest with myself here:

Husband: F — My boozing really wreaked havoc here. I didn’t even realize how much it affected her. On top of that, she consistently makes more money than me. So she feels like the financial provider. Though I do fine money wise (quite good actually most years but fluctuates), she does better. (First world problems). This knocks me down a peg. I know I’m fucked lol. But I’ve always cared about her in my own limited capacity.

Father: B — the demands of her job, and the flexible nature of my career allows me to be the primary care giver. I’m picking up/dropping off to school most of the time. Babysitter sick? I’m there. Snow day? I got it. I do lots of activities w kids and am pretty conscious about spending quality time w them. Wrestling about, taking them places. Bedtime stories. Teaching right from wrong, ect. I sometimes get impatient w them, and can lose my cool. But they’re toddlers. It’s madness!!

Boyfriend: B — this sounds narcissistic, but I’ve kept in good shape, good musculature, a shadow of a 6-pack and I guess got pretty good genes from my parents. Im not tall, but head and shoulders taller than her. I get compliments on my looks and wife hears it. Got approached about modeling several times (in my 20s). I’m 35 now but still look youthful. And I’m a damn good musician. People are blown away with my playing. I have a healthy libido, and have always been the dominant partner in bed. Am I some tantric sex guru? Uh no.

If anyone actually read all that, thanks? Just Riffing off RedPillGlasses thought provoking response.

Anyway that’s the way I see it. Maybe a C- for now.

Without booze I’m the fucking prize.

[–]AlohaMaui8082 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Without booze I’m the fucking prize.

Booze isn't your problem faggot. And quitting it won't solve the real one either, although it's a starting point.

Booze is just a symptom. Whatever shit mental models in your head allowed the behavior of consistently going out getting wasted instead of being a responsible man doing things of value to your mission (which you don't know yet anyway) is your real problem.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for reading and writing in. I agree it was a symptom of a bigger issue. I do have a pretty detailed vision of my mission. I’ll elaborate on it in my first OYS.

[–]dilberryhoundog2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Without booze I’m the fucking prize.

You seem riddled with shame. Addiction is shame avoidance (an escape from shame).

The opposite will happen if you quit the booze, you will no longer be able to hide from your shame. You will only then start (and eventually complete) the 'unfucking yourself' process. After you have unfucked yourself will you then be the prize.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I remember reading about “toxic shame” in NMMNG. I’m sure I do have some of that, though the concept is a bit fuzzy for me now. Have to re-read that part. What am I ashamed about? I don’t know. I admit I sounded foolish and boisterous with my “i am the prize” claim. Thanks for calling me out on it.

[–]dilberryhoundog3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What am I ashamed about?

lets see. from your riff above

__________________________________________________

My boozing really wreaked havoc here

shame for hurting people.

​

she consistently makes more money than me. So she feels like the financial provider

Shame that your wife, who you hurt, still earns more than you.

​

care about her in my own limited capacity.

shame that you cannot care for someone properly

​

I do lots of activities w kids and am pretty conscious about spending quality time w them

shame that you won't be a good dad.

​

I sometimes get impatient w them, and can lose my cool. But they’re toddlers. It’s madness!!

shame that you can be a tyrant to toddlers.

(conflicting shame here, you want to avoid the shame of being a "bad" dad, so you try to squeeze your kids into a mould that will enable you to avoid that shame. However this causes you to hurt your kids which also causes you shame. This shame spiral among others probably leads to the bottle of shame avoidance ie booze)

​

Im not tall, but head and shoulders taller than her.

body shame, comparing yourself to your woman, so you don't have to compare against other males (you are below average western male height)

​

I have a healthy libido, and have always been the dominant partner in bed

sexual performance shame avoidance. If there is no shame here, you fuck how you like, when you like.

______________________________________________________

​

Hey man its all good, we all show up here lumping around our huge luggage bags of shame. I certainly did, in fact I'm only just starting to unpack mine.

Once you recognise shame, you can see guys trying to puke it out everywhere. Funny thing is the wahmens can see it in you easily as well, because it is manifest in physical behaviours. Our thoughts (or rather our conditioned thoughts) produce the shame, so these same thoughts aren't the tool to recognise how we shame ourselves.

You like all the rest of the alcoholics, use the booze to hide your shame. Once you stop the booze, your shame is much more "visible" to yourself and others. This is what is needed to work through it, to not let it hold you back, but you are also no where near done and dusted on becoming a proud male human.

[–]houndhair1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow dude, you’re spot on. I think that was a years worth of therapy insight. Do you accept insurance? Lol. I’ll have to re-read that a few times. Thank you, truly, for taking the time. One more to add, I feel shame about my squats only being 145lbs. Haha.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow man. I just read up on that. It’s true I definitely have these shame-based thought patterns. Feeling “not good enough”, ect. It’s some heavy stuff. One one hand I tell myself I’m perfectly good enough. But deep down there is doubt. If only there was a manual to untucking oneself

[–]RedPillGlasses2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If only there was a manual to unfucking oneself

You’re in it. 👍

[–]AlohaMaui8081 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

she consistently makes more money than me.

This means literally nothing if you are a High Value Man. Some of the most hardcore red pilled MFers to grace these MRP subs are stay at home dads or earn significantly less than their wives. Stop using it as a convenient delusion to shield your actual inadequacies from yourself.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yea I’ve used that line as a convenient delusion, it’s true. Which is actually refreshing to realize— that the score keeping of money doesn’t really matter. I guess my rawest inadequacy is self confidence. Pure self confidence that radiates from within, without regard to which way the wind is blowing. Thanks for your comments.

[–]RedPillGlasses1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Good job with the evaluation.

Most guys coming on here the first time are fat fucks, but as long as you know your weak areas, you improve and life gets better.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks man. It’s been pretty amazing getting all this feedback. Have a good one.

[–]RoccoPinkman1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good on you for quitting drink! Keep it up, your body and mind will thank you.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I can't believe I'm saying this about a victim puke in /r/askMRP but hey ... even a blind squirrel gets a nut every once in a while ...

You sound like you're actually in a pretty good place ... mentally.

Yeah your life is fucked up but you are owning it. You know you're just starting out on a bigger journey. You're even spouting out MRP tenets in your own words.

The plan is to keep improving myself. That’s really all I can do. I may just have to accept that we’ll have to move on separately.

i.e. "The stay plan, is the go plan."

​

Your bearings are true. Just stay at it. Let the rest take care of itself.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks

[–]themerovingian011 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

How does one bench more than they squat?

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha, idk it frustrates me! I feel like my squats are weak because my right knee. I’ve never had a knee injury. But I just feel like my knees can’t take heavy heavy weight

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

1 of 2 things is happening here:

A) She’s done no matter what you do . By the way, congrats on 2 months, but it’s really nothing until you can get at least a year. Even then, you could still drink.

Or

B) She’s waiting to see if you are really going to stay sober

It’s tough to say, but I’ve seen similar situations where no matter what the wife was going to leave (that’s the A scenario)

Another thing to understand is your sobriety might actually scare her at some point. She may wonder who the hell this new guy is, and she may be stuck herself and doesn’t want to grow... so when she sees you growing, it could scare her- just be aware of that.

In either case, don’t DEER. Just keep you head down, lift, read the sidebar, keep working the AA program if it’s working for you... oh, and don’t drink no matter what.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for reading and commenting. It’s amazing how easy it is to slip into DEER... but what a worthy discipline to carry out. When you avoid DEER people have no choice but to respect you. Maybe not like you. But respect.

[–]RolloAngerManagement1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like AA is doing what it needs to but if you want extra credit, I would highly recommend This Naked Mind. The book recommends reading just two chapters a day so it's easy going. It's highly informative and it'll help you see things from some interesting perspectives.

Glad you posted this, some of the responses have been golden and very useful to me too. Hope it goes well and look forward to your OYS.

Edit: grammar

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes have it Qued up in audible. AA is great. Gets you out among some other tough dudes who’ve been through hell and back. Raw talk in there.

[–]Over60_FireTempered3Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

So you're a 35 year old drunk, that got sober 2.5 months ago, because your wife said she's ready to jump ship.

You come here for RP advice, and you know some of it will make it hard to do the 12 steps you have to do.

For a man with 35 years of screw up, you sure think you are "entitled" to a lot.

My experience with entitled, victim mentality drunks with 2.5 months sober, is I would bet $50,000 USD against you. Prove me wrong.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

How would the advice make it hard to do the 12 steps?

[–]Over60_FireTempered3Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

As If you read the side bar, it will become clear to you.

[–]houndhair0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fair enough. I’ll come up to it I’m sure somewhere in my journey. Obviously haven’t gone through all the steps. Joined AA w sponsor about 2 weeks ago.

Whatever happens happens. I’m entitled to that.

[–]UnbreakableFrame1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Remember this, she only gives a fuck about the past when she can use it to her advantage. If you become the kind of man she wants, she won't give a flying fuck what you did yesterday, as long as it wasn't beta.

Joining AA is an enormous step. Good job on that. Get a sponsor and listen to him. If you don't like your sponsor or he's too beta, fire him and get a new one.

Stay plan is the go plan.

[–]houndhair1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. Yes got w good sponsor, doing my 90/90...

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Question: How do I best give my wife the space she is asking for, provide comfort that I am “here”, and still hold frame and be an independent attractive man? Is it possible to rebuild trust?

Stop listening to your wife. She doesn’t give you instructions on how to make your relationship work, most of the time it is just shit testing. You decide what you want to do. You take responsibility, you choose the direction.

If you become alpha, she’ll be attracted to you and love you, even if she doesn’t trust you. Trust is only a big deal for betas, if your SMV is high you don’t need it.

[–]houndhair2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Goddamn that’s the simple truth. I agree. It was a naive question I admit.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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