Help Me Find My Blind Spots

part_wolf · 2020-01-17T02:06:49+00:00

“I don't have the Frame or skill to turn this around at this stage, even if it was just emotional. I really want to spend the effort trying.”

Your frame and skills (or lack of) are not the problem; it’s pretty evident that you’re self aware and you’ve started figuring out what’s best for you. Your problem is not truly internalizing and understanding, at a very deep level, that any effort spent on your relationship can only come at the cost of your self respect.

Trust me, your self respect is too high a price to pay.

I’ve mentioned this once before, but when my first wife said “I want a divorce,” my first instinct was to try and make it work, or figure out a way to see if things could be fixed. I thought at the time that I’d hate myself if I didn’t exhaust all of my options. When I discovered shortly thereafter that she fucked a few guys just to prove to herself that she was attractive, I recognized immediately that she could never respect me again. That ship has probably sailed for you as well.

Right now, you might be wondering what lies on the other side of this mess. Maybe there’s some fear about executing on this plan you’ve put together. I can tell you from experience exactly what lies on the other side of this: peace of mind.

There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I can’t fix this.” Fuck anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

My advice is to think long and hard about how to discuss this with your kids. You didn’t mention that part, but if you want to maintain some type of relationship with them it’s absolutely critical that they understand that you love them no matter what and that the divorce isn’t their fault at all. If you do it right, when they grow up they’re more likely to respect you rather than resent you for it.

SBIII · 2020-01-16T23:52:55+00:00

What's the question?

johneyapocalypse · 2020-01-17T01:08:46+00:00

Bro, you post a lot - and you're defaulting to "ask mrp" or "hear it in OYS" often.

Pull back, take a break, and focus on you:

Initiative.
Confidence.
Comfort with the outcome.
Okay with being wrong.
Going your own way.

Stop asking for help from others. Instead, seek your own consul, be your own decision-maker, and learn to adjust based on your judgement and your observations.

Otherwise you're just stuck, like a child who doesn't want to grow up.

BobbyPeru · 2020-01-17T01:52:38+00:00

It sounds like you’re “MRP aware.” Oh, it’s always a “beta orbiter.” Ok if that makes you feel better, but if he’s fucking your wife, he’s Chad and your not.

What are your lifts?

But this is probably at least an emotional affair, and most likely a full blown affair by now.

100% the latter

Here’s what you need to ask yourself—

Do you have the balls to serve the papers?
Do you have the balls to follow through once you serve the papers?
What are you going to say when you present the papers (this is important)
How are you going to handle her objections/shit tests after you file?

You need to really think about these things

so_woke_da_wookie · 2020-01-17T12:35:34+00:00

In no world are you ever going to get this shit ‘right’. It’s not even a thing to get right. But you can be smart about it. And you know how to do that and where the resources are.

Fuck her & fuck us.

Step into yourself and do what you want, at your pace, for you.

Lean in to the discomfort. Not so much that you burn out but enough that you know your pushing forward.

And oh btw, fuck you Maui, you’re not even at your sexual market peak. By the time your my age you’ll have a decade of OYSing under your belt. What sort of man do you imagine you’ll be then?

Brother keep on keeping on because the world will open to you.

And remember, most people overestimate what they can achieve in a year and massively underestimate what they can achieve in five.

RolloAngerManagement · 2020-01-20T18:20:03+00:00

I'm late to this and it looks like you've got things well covered from a practical and mental perspective. I've not seen much comment on the experience itself so I'll add a few things that come to mind around my own divorce (I initiated, no kids, 18 month battle over money) way back when:

Someone has perhaps already said this but expect things to be fucking hard at times and worse than you'd expect, for periods at least
You're gonna get real angry, real often as she presses those buttons and society shows you just how much the balance is skewed in her favour - she'll have more control over your life (or at least your future), for a time, then she has ever had
No one is ready for the crazy she'll likely get to from time to time (and how seriously seemingly rational people will take her)
Don't expect things to go to plan, expect the unexpected
As has been said, you might find yourself being pulled back, I think it's escapism or just the need for some calm in the storm - this doesn't mean anything, keep moving on with the plan even if you fold and fuck her or emote or whatever
Fully agree with the comments from others about sticking to the plan and keeping your cool (STFU) with her and sucking it up when it gets hard - it's worth it
Other women make things better

If she's cooperative and there's no fight, most of this won't apply but shit, is that a unicorn I see.

redpillruminations · 2020-01-17T03:54:07+00:00

Sounds like an abundance issue. Say you're at Dread 4 or 5, like you say. At least 1 other girl who you can fuck. This weekend. Is there any question? Also, move out of your parent's ASAP. Based on the post, they've been fucking with your head since childhood. I interact with mine as little as possible, because they spin me up bad.

You don't need anyone's opinion here. What kind of place would this be if even one person said "she's cheating but you should def stay put."

Get it done ASAP, get on to learning to respect yourself. I'm in process of it too.

You made some great points on my post. 4 months into this though man... That anger is righteous. It's going to sneak up on you and take you over still. I couldn't get past mine for a while. Still have some that hangs around. Situation sucks btw, even though you did it to yourself. Either way, good luck.

EasyDaysHardNights · 2020-01-17T01:03:33+00:00

Blindspots are already addressed. No changes to the plan.

1) Lift - Take your anger out at the iron temple. 2) STFU - Keep quiet about what you know. 3) Sidebar - Divorce advice section.

She's shown you who she is. Believe her.

Some fish are best thrown back.

tspitsatgp · 2020-01-17T01:38:45+00:00

You have my permission to leave your wife.

Life without the bullshit is much better, if you do the hard work.

rotkohlblaukraut · 2020-01-17T02:48:17+00:00

I get that your head is spinning. And I get that you want opinions. But at the end of the day, if you leave her, leave her because your self esteem doesn't let you spend a life married to a deceitful sex-denying wife, not because a consensus of forum members said it sounded right. If you leave, do it with the belief that you deserve better and can do better and can make a better man of yourself, with that as your absolute conviction, not because it's a piece of boilerplate advice from the MRP gang. You're only 30, you have a lot of power to influence where you go from here, so don't think you're locked into anything specific at this point.

And as a general piece of advice, don't make any big life-altering decisions while you're under the influence of anger or other strong emotions. Give yourself time to cool off first and let your rational mind decide based on a true sense of what you want.

NeoTheJuanDJ · 2020-01-17T03:29:01+00:00

If you weren’t a high a value man when you committed to this woman, why would you stay with her when you are now? Especially after her past indiscretions are known. I don’t care what your MAP is, but I can almost guarantee there is an element in there that is related to your self respect and dignity. No person, no woman, not even your children, are above that. So what is there left to think about? Get the papers, get some options, get in the gym, and get away from this loser of a woman the old you obliviously settled with. Do you have the balls to?

Vegasman20002 · 2020-01-17T17:58:52+00:00

You seem clear enough and reasonable to me. Path is clear. Sorry man, but you will be fine when the dust settles

HeckleandChide · 2020-01-17T00:03:16+00:00

Remember the movie Jurassic Park where the mathematician said “that is one big pile of shit.” You are like a guy who decided to carve out a little cave in that pile, live there for a while, rub it in your hair and all over your body, and now you are wondering how to fix it. It’s gonna take a damned long time.

I’m not going to go into the specifics other than to say, you need to look deep inside yourself to figure out why the hell you made so many terrible, weak decisions. Fix those deep-rooted issues or stuff like this will be a revolving door in your life.

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