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Pregnant wife smokes behind my back, shifts blame. How to handle it? (self.askMRP)

submitted by EmbracedBiology

My wife was a smoker before pregnancy. And throughout the pregnancy so far, she sometimes has been leaving the house for 5-10mins, saying "hormones and such, sometimes I need 5 minutes alone". I didn't think much of it, but felt weird.

Anyway, the gut says she smokes. So I ask her quite directly, "Do you smoke sometimes?" She immediately declines, and says nothing. About 10 min of silence, I ask what's wrong, and she says that it was not very nice to ask that. I say it was just a question because I had a feeling I smelled something. Basically DEERing. We were with the inlaws that day, and she didn't talk to me all day, until she broke down crying later at home. Saying I hurt her feelings. I gave her some comfort, telling her it was just a question and didn't mean to hurt her (I feel this was wrong, so hit me, guys!)

Anyway, since then I noticed, that she comes back from her 5 mins with chewing gum, and has a ton of perfume on her. I also found cigarettes in her bag, I'm almost 100% certain she smokes. Unless me asking did something.

For me, this felt like she was caught, and tried to shift the blame. She knows very well how bad it is, and how she is fucking that up by smoking, but she has a history of not taking responsibility for her faults ( due to my year long bluepill being ) and she is of the anxious type.

How would you guys have handled that?

My first reaction would've been to explode on how she can be so irresponsible to her and my future child. But this would just bring more defenses. Being understanding of quitting an addiction wouldn't net results. So I am at a loss.

Internally I am battling myself, when I am probably overthinking that.


[–]UnbreakableFrame26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your wife is trashy. If my wife smoked while pregnant I would divorce her. She is injuring your unborn child. You can't build Rome in a day, but this is frankly a hill worth dying on. Frame or no frame, your child's wellbeing is at stake. Fuck her feelings and fuck her for mentioning them in this context. I doubt this marriage is worth saving, but your kid is.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando16 points17 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

How would you guys have handled that?

Leadership. Leadership and boundaries.

But you'd know nothing about that. You're a 1 month old noob. You couldn't lead your way out of a paper bag, let alone lead your wife.

Start by learning how to lead yourself first, then become someone who is worth following.

[–]SoggyTrainCucked by machines16 points17 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Everything you say is true. However, in this situation, he doesn't really have time to go through the learning process as the health of his child is at stake.

So how about just giving him some actual advice he can do right now to possibly fix this? This isn't some asshat whining about not getting laid.

The health of my child is not negotiable. I would go full out nuclear on this shit with zero regards to her pregnancy feelings.

[–]Balls_Wellington_Main Event + Coronavirus10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Full out nuclear is right. Call her doctor, call her mom if she isn't trashy, tell her if you even suspect her of smoking before the baby is out it's an instant divorce. Document everything.

No strategy will work for very long, but he only has to squash the behavior for a couple months before the baby is out.

Then leave her ass, because who would let that woman care for their kids.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

And what's he going to do? Lay down a boundary then watch her piss all over it?

He's clearly afraid of her or he'd have done that already.

He's here looking for a band aid to fix an amputation. This shit doesn't work like that. You should know that by now.

[–]Balls_Wellington_Main Event + Coronavirus2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Beta meltdowns can cause temporary, insincere changes in behavior. Usually worthless but in a case where he only needs a couple months of good behavior it could be enough

[–]SoggyTrainCucked by machines1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get that. I just thought that this might be one situation where going Rambo might be advised.

[–]SteveSan8226 points27 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Why would you even marry someone who was a smoker?

[–]InChargeManRed Beret9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Literally my first thought.

[–]An_Actual_Politician9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

In 2020 if a woman is a smoker, go ahead and add about 20 to that N count. Good luck with that pair bonding.

[–]rightsided3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha. There's a saying, "If she smokes, she pokes." Yep. Bitches who don't mind putting foul cigs in their mouths usually don't mind multiple cocks, assholes, etc. there either.

[–]part_wolf1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because he believed her when she hid it from him and he’s desperate.

[–]IATAsshole4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your wife is directly increasing the chance of premature birth, damage of your childs brain and lungs, birth defects, and in worst case SIDS(sudden infant death syndrome.)

You’re almost 100% sure but you don’t have the balls to find out, and you fucking comfort her when she denies and manipulates you by crying and giving you a cold shoulder when asking? You are the prime example of a clueless beta, what the fuck, I got sick reading this!

The chance of your unborn child taking serious damage from your wife’s actions are increasing every time she goes for some fucking fresh air.

Grow some balls, confront her, be there for her for the remainder of the pregnancy(stress is also bad for the fetus) while you make your exit strategy, and gather evidence, then rail her hard for custody, documenting what she did.

Finally for the good of your child try to become a man, the kid will need it. Jesus.

[–]learning00073 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Almost a 100 percent certain? You've got other problems

[–]Drivinga14862 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

mmm. What would a man do? Maybe instead of asking her if she's smoking and giving her and out and opportunity to lie, tell her you know she is and that you're gonna get her help. I don't know something about frame and being the captain. She's pregnant for fucks sake.

[–]BostonBrakeJob2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Put her in a gimp suit (look for the straight jacket style) and unzip the mouth for eating and oral only. You'll have to do this until she gives birth. Don't let her nurse with that poison milk of hers either.

[–]lefty9292 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You asked her a legit question, she cried, you buckled at the mere sight of her emotions, and then comforted her, implying she was right and you did something wrong??

You have a fuck ton more to worry about than just your wife screwing your unborn child with cigarettes.

Get her to stop ASAP. Confront her directly. Threaten to tell her friends and family. Then actually tell her parents if she continues. Shame her and embarrass her. It’s not ok to put the health of the kid at risk.

You should believe that last sentence stronger than a fucking stranger on the Internet because it’s your own kid you fuckwad.

Secondly, side bar, start your reading immediately, look up top rated posts on the subs and read them. Read MMSLP, a lot of the sections on infidelity can apply to your cigarette situation and boundaries and stopping it.

Your beta-ness seeps through the screen. Kill it immediately. With fire.

[–]part_wolf4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I would buy a pack of her favorite brand of smokes and set them down on the table next to the divorce paperwork and say, “choose.”

But I’m not you.

[–]SteveSan822 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I suppose she would take the cigarettes rather than the divorce papers

[–]part_wolf-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just another pedantic faggot adding no value to the discussion.

[–]vox_veritas3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So... She either keeps the cigarettes and no divorce, or gets a divorce and stops smoking?

[–]part_wolf0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Both or none, but you already knew what I meant.

[–]0io-Tsundere4 points5 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Maybe buy her a vape or some nicotine gum or something? If she can't give it up during pregnancy she's probably seriously addicted (in the sense of wanting to quit and not being able to quit.) I think I'd talk to your OB/Gyn and just go for "harm reduction", maybe there are safer alternatives to smoking that would still give her the nicotine fix.

[–]Redrover85712 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

While it’s better than smoking, nicotine itself is also a very harmful substance. Nicotine is what causes all the cardiac issues with smoking and his baby WILL be born addicted to nicotine. And when it’s two days old and not getting it anymore it will flip the fuck out. I realize sometimes it’s not as easy as just stop smoking you selfish bitch, but that’s what really needs to happen here.

[–]Cam_Winston217 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Maybe buy her a vape or some nicotine gum or something?

This place has a mantra that it doesn't "fix" the marriage, it fixes the man. A man can't "fix" a selfish addict who prefers cigarettes to the health of her unborn child. It literally is 100% on that selfish cunt to "fix" this situation.

[–]EmbracedBiology[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I gotta be honest, that was my initial thought. I accepted the "you can't fix others" a while ago, and considering this, I wonder if she can even properly provide for the kid, if she can't even take care of it while it's unborn.

Which would then result in me leaving.

I guess I'll have to see how she does when the kid is born.

I will definitely talk about it, though. I can't just sit there, doing nothing.

[–]Chump_No_More6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

She uses strong emotion to shame you into not enforcing what should be the strongest of personal boundaries, the health of your unborn child, and you give her a free pass on this.

Red flags do not get any bigger than this.

No better place to build your Frame and Mental Point of Origin than drawing a line in the sand on this.

If she leaves you because she can't handle a partner that properly challenges her, then you will still be responsible for a new life, but you will have saved yourself decades of misery.

The health of your child is non-negotiable and THE hill to die on.

EDIT: You need to understand one thing about the use of strong emotion. It's a Frame grab with the sole intent of you giving away your personal agency. End of story. You allow ANYONE to do this, most especially your wife, and they will OWN you for the duration of the relationship. Once you allow this in any relationship, it's done.

[–]EmbracedBiology[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She uses strong emotion to shame you into not enforcing

This has been the go-to plan for a while now. Well, whenever shit hits the fan. I notice it now, but also notice NOW while reading the comments that that shit works with me. Goddamn.

Alright, fuck her feelings. This is unacceptable.

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

but also notice NOW while reading the comments that that shit works with me.

Talk about stating the obvious! If she's used it more than once, it's because it works. This not fucking rocket science... human behavior 101.

Always go by what they do... and then how you respond.

[–]Cam_Winston213 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wonder if she can even properly provide for the kid, if she can't even take care of it while it's unborn.

Your wife currently has your unborn child (and you) below cigarettes on her priority list.

Her wake up call was supposed to be when the test came back positive. She hasn't yet stopped during the time where it is of critical importance, why would she later, when it she would consider it to be merely a nuisance to her family?

I will definitely talk about it, though. I can't just sit there, doing nothing.

She's either going to stop or she's going to continue. Words mean nothing. if she stops, great. The question is: what are you going to do if she continues to smoke?

That's up to you.

[–]Maximus_Valerius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You can’t out alpha her nicotine addiction.

You should set a boundary, but realize she will just get better at hiding it from you. Enforcement will be difficult, if not impossible.

Do the research about which stop smoking aids are safe during pregnancy. If there are any, buy them for her. Involve her doctor in the discussion and ask him or her to explain the risks. Do what you can to set her up for success.

Then turn your attention toward unfucking yourself so you learn to handle these types of issues without having to ask the internet.

[–]RStonePT1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You had a boundary and she called you on it.

Either have a concequence or stop making them

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My question is why are you surprised that a smoker is smoking?

[–]RingoLaBrea0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Were you really expecting an honest response? Of course she is going to deny it. Go ask a teen if they vape.

Catch her in the act. It’s the only way to move past the denial. Be prepared for the confrontation, don’t wing it, don’t judge, shame, or act repulsed. Prepare your language, go in practiced. For the sake of your unborn child, stay focused on getting the result you desire, talk her off the ledge.

All that matters is getting her to stop. To do that you need to stay calm and feign understanding. There are nicotine replacement therapies to suggest, (after catching her.) Not ideal, but a far less toxic tool for short term transition. Again, short term transition.

It’s important you keep your cool and go full oak. Fake it. You need to try, TRY, to get her to escape with you, not from you. Be the cigarette. Or, perhaps more apropos, be the fag.

[–]nantucketghost0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your kid? She's smoking? I would have flipped my lid. Consequences. Either deal with it now, or deal with it later with a messed up kid and you regretting not being firmer sooner.

[–]00Pi0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bro, she’s an addict. Addicts lie, deflect, act evasively, and basically do stupid shit. The CDC thinks that it takes the average smoker 8-11 times to quit (and some studies suggest an average of 30 times). I would not take her non-compliance too personally. For the health of your child, you do need to address the issue head-on, though.

I would level with her. Explain why you made that comment the other day. Emphasize that she needs to sort her shit and that you want to support her in overcoming her addiction. Then work with her and her healthcare providers to do that. You will need to take the lead. Expect a bumpy road. You will learn a lot about the character of your wife, and what you can and cannot control through that process. I would not necessarily focus on setting boundaries - esp. nuclear ones (divorce etc.) - until you’re absolutely certain that you both want to and are willing to enforce them.

[–]umizumiz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Start leaving turds in the toilet.

Fight fire with fire

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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