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Boundary or insecure mate guarding? (self.askMRP)

submitted by g4l4xy36

For a potential LTR upgrade I plan on saying "I dont date girls who keep in touch with exes" or "When in a relationship I dont message my exes/flings and I expect the same" or "My GF doesnt keep in contact with exes, you cna do what you please but my GF doesnt"

On one hand its a personal boundary because I cant stand to know/meet any LTRs exes. On the other most women think its normal to stay in touch with an ex.


[–]skizzum97Can't Handle The Daddy14 points15 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

This is common sense in an LTR but unfortunately, in my experience and observations, if it's not explicitly stated then women will use that as a hamstering excuse to do it (example: "you never TOLD ME that I couldn't talk to/meet with ex")...

If you are entering a serious LTR there is nothing wrong with letting her know that shit would get her ass booted... Because rest assured, if your woman is of any value at all, an ex WILL reach out to her at some point. Better to handle it up front rather than when it inevitabley happens. Keeps her honest and gives you an easy out if/when she fucks up

[–]g4l4xy36[S] 2 points3 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Which is my point how do I explicitly state it without looking insecure. Because lots of women think its ok to follow and message/ be in touch with exes

As you said I rather express it at the beginning that later on with her saying but I used to now whats wrong blah blah.

Question is how to go ahead verbalizing the boundary.

[–]skizzum97Can't Handle The Daddy2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Just start talking about going exclusive, get her all excited, then bring her ass down to size by saying "BUT I am hesitant because you still are clinging to the past" and she will get the implication. Bring it home by telling her that contact with exes is something that you won't tolerate in an LTR.

Either she will hamster, deny, deflect, etc. Which just makes it easier for you to next her, or you she will feel disgusted with herself, apologize and happily comply.

This needs to be addressed before you go exclusive that's for sure. She will gladly give up the ex for an LTR if she truly wants you, but if she hesitates to comply it's over bro.

[–]g4l4xy36[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

When she brings up being exclusive/LTR upgrade thats the time I should bring it up. Have some leverage.

Either she will hamster, deny, deflect, etc. Which just makes it easier for you to next her, or you she will feel disgusted with herself, apologize and happily comply.

So she'll hamster or say stop being controlling/insecure but reiterate and then if she doesnt enter my frame, Hard Next. Since this is non-negotiable its easier to find someone who shares this with me rather than try to change someone.

[–]skizzum97Can't Handle The Daddy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah dude this is a common sense boundary in an LTR. No sense staying with a bitch who can't part with a previous fuck buddy.

[–]part_wolf15 points16 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

So this is a hypothetical relationship? And you’re planning on entering into it with a massive amount of insecurity and a scarcity mindset?

[–]redwall926 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She's worth it, yo.

[–]RoccoPinkman5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hypothetically

[–]g4l4xy36[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Not hypothetical. But she is pushing for an upgrade. Im willing to drop her if she says she cant stop. But I prefer a few things said upfront because previous experience shows that they say you were fine with not knowing till now so why change etc.

[–]TheVitaminD3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If she's pushing for an upgrade, you say, "Nah, you're not the type of girl I'm interested in,"

Women don't usually ask why, so she'll either shut up about it or leave. If she does want to know why, just explain that you don't see any reason to trust a girl who stays in touch with her ex.

[–]part_wolf0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

So your plan is to hit her with an ultimatum and dump her if she doesn't comply?

[–]Chump_No_More3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Nothing screams scarcity like issuing an ultimatum.

Ultimatums are the ultimate sign of weakness.

[–]Tambamwham2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

No theyre not. Not issuing ultimatum with your actions is a sign of weakness

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I disagree.

On one end of the spectrum is a low value man with no frame and no dread. He is incapable of setting and maintaining boundaries and any ultimatum will be ineffectual, a sign of desperation, and fatally unattractive. Just don't do it.

On the end is a high value men with a solid frame and mental point of origin. It would never occur to him to issue an ultimatum because:

  1. He has an abundance mindset and knows full well that he can replace her if the drama becomes greater than the value she adds.
  2. He has earned her respect, giving her no reason to doubt his competency and boundaries.
  3. She has no doubt that if she crosses a boundary, there will be consequences.

Any man in between should:

  1. Focus on his mission.
  2. Don't be unattractive.
  3. Only set boundaries that he can actually enforce.
  4. STFU. Do not give in to emotionalism that will set him back (see #2).

And, accept the reality that:

  1. It's just his turn. If she's going to cheat (physically, financially, etc), he has little to no passive dread to give her pause.
  2. The 'stay' and the 'go' plan are always the same.

[–]Tambamwham-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We’re literally saying the same thing. If your girl is getting too close to another guy you should tell her you are not cool with it. One time. And if it doesn’t immediately stop, you should pull back. All the attention and effort you give to her should be redirected to the gym, your career, your social life and other women. And you give her nothing but indifference and occasional dick if she pursues it. Ultimatum with actions instead of words.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I see no issue with this and practice this boundary in real life.

Unless she has kids with them, there is no reason for your girl to need to speak to an ex.

[–]g4l4xy36[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I see no issue with this and practice this boundary in real life.

How did you go about? Brought up during the beginning or when you noticed it?

No kids.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It was immediate. In all of my post marriage monogamous relationships I have communicated this as a hard boundary.

I also understand the she cannot control others, so I also make the boundary about her reaching out to exs. If they reach out to her (which she cant control) her job is to shut it down.

It normally takes 14-30 days for someone with options to kill off the beta (female and male) orbiters. So I understand.

But really after 45-60 days, there should be no communication from exs with whom you or her do not have kids with any longer.

I literally broke up with one, due to breaking this boundary.

Her mistake.

[–]part_wolf1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This guy is too needy and insecure to actually pull this off.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know. Just saying what I did.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a reasonable boundary to set up front. Just do it like a man, not like a faggot and you’ll be fine. Be straightforward. If she doesn’t agree, it’s an easy next.

[–]AlohaMaui8081 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel like this post belongs in the boy's playground of askTRP

[–]UltimateCrypto1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She has to earn the LTR. If you’re worried about exes and cheating, she hasn’t earned LTR.

[–]g4l4xy36[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not worried I cant get my head around being in contact with exes. Arent they exes for a reason. I also feel that it shows you havent gotten over that person.

[–]4thAndLong0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is something you can say in casual conversation, but not as directly. If she asks you about an ex say, "I don't talk about past relationships. It's the past and stays there." If they don't get the hint from that...

A lot of women think it's normal to stay in touch, but really they just want orbiters and to leave the door open in case they want to swing back to that branch.

[–]g4l4xy36[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If they don't get the hint from that...

"But you said you dont you didnt say I cant...." Considering how dense some of them are. They know its not really required. Guess I should start looking for alternatives.

​

A lot of women think it's normal to stay in touch, but really they just want orbiters and to leave the door open in case they want to swing back to that branch.

Fucking women and their Validation requirements.

[–]4thAndLong1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes women to play that game also. I think at the point she's just low quality and I would move on. Vetting an LTR candidate is tedious.

[–]stoicstephen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Settings boundaries is great.

But where does this boundary come from?

Why not keep her as a deluxe plate?

What do you win by being in a monogamous relationship right now?

[–]Tambamwham0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not just ex’s. I’m not cool with any girl I’m with having a one on one personal relationship with any man. And I would say exactly that. But in your case, I would have done been giving her taste of her own medicine

[–]sd4c0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

A better solution is to plate most everyone, but exclusively "date" girls who don't have exes.

These days that pretty much confines you to 18-21 year old, studious girls with strong parents, but when you do encounter them, you'll have more resources and be in a stronger place than if you'd wasted time or money investing in a bunch of floozies.

[–]losso5190 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Insecurity, is all you guys that don't want your girl talking to other men, but don't enforce it or pretend not to care because MRP told you its mate guarding. This guy might not be ready for an LTR or to enforce this, but it ain't mate guarding.

[–]mrdeeds19720 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Set up the boundary. Always be ready and willing to walk away if and when she crosses it. Keep focusing on yourself. She's just along for the ride.

[–]HIJKelemenoP-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You have scarcity mentality.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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