Bad Habits

redwall92 · 2020-05-08T13:48:22+00:00

My oldest (16yo) bites his nails. I express that I believe it's unattractive. He agrees. But he doesn't stop. He asked for help a few years ago, and we went down the road of putting the stuff on his nails to make them taste spicy or something unpleasant. He stopped biting his nails. Then he started again.

He's got to get to a point where he owns this sort of stuff ... especially over his own body. If he asked for help again, I'd do the nail painting stuff again for/with him.

I am willing to help as I believe appropriate. But I can't do the work for him. Well ... maybe I could grab his fingers every time he bit his nails (when I was there). But I don't want that sort of life for him.

Do you want to be hitched to a girl you have to tell to stop being unattractive?

If she wants your help, she'll ask. Don't waste your time pushing your help on a person that doesn't want it.

And like willow posted ... you have to decide if this is a deal-breaker.

Willow-girl · 2020-05-08T12:57:04+00:00

Read up on codependency?

Also, if you have told her numerous times that you expect her to stop, but she hasn't, yet there are no consequences ... congratulations on teaching her that she can disregard pretty much anything you say! This will be important later once you're married.

But back to the codependency thing. You are not your fiancee's Skin Police. She has a problem, and it's on her to figure out a solution. A good recovery rule of thumb is to not do more than 50% of the other person's work for them. For instance: suggest that she see a dermatologist (appropriate). Schedule an appointment, drive her to the doctor's office, insist on coming in, make sure she follows through with the treatment regiment (inappropriate). See the distinction?

At the end of the day, you can't control other people. You can certainly express your displeasure and hope that they take the hint. Beyond that, you have to decide whether the issue is a dealbreaker.

gkkwon2 · 2020-05-08T16:23:02+00:00

When I read "I told her numerous times I expect her to stop" it kind of rang alarm bells for me not in regards to her ability to be attractive for you but in your ability to be a good/supportive partner. You don't sound like her fiancé but her parent. If anything, telling her your "expectations" of her will immediately cause her to want to rebel (as any kid does when you tell them to stop).

The goal to maintaining a healthy relationship is to grow with one another, bring the best out of each other. With every habit, there's always an underlying issue whether it be face picking, nail biting, etc. these actions might just seem like small bad habits but everything has a reason and I've seen the reasons be anxiety all the way to underlying self-esteem issues so be cautious in how you handle this.

Perhaps approach her by telling her she's beautiful and you love the way her skin is and it would be too bad not for YOURSELF but for her own good if she were to ruin her skin that way..if you ever see her picking her face in front of you, maybe take her hands gently and casually hold them in yours and kiss the spot she was picking..it's called positive associative classical conditioning. It helps her get rid of her bad habit without the repercussions that often come with an SO trying to fix another like bitterness or anger. You have to get her in a place where she feels like she's in control/power to stop, not that you are the one forcing her to stop by placing an ultimatum by telling her to "stop" which will ultimately make you the enemy. Condition her to stop with positive and supportive gestures and words. You could also set up a nice salon appointment or facial where she can be confronted by words from a professional that can tell her the long term bad effects of her habit but also make her want to cherish her skin if she sees you wanting to care for it more than she does. Just a thought.