Still later that same evening, the three of us were watching movies downstairs, and Selina excused herself to go to bed because she âwasnât feeling well,â which was just her excuse to give me some time alone with Emi, bless her little heart.
Within a few minutes later, Emi and I were having sex on a blanket on my living room floor. It was fantastic, and I never looked at Asian women quite the same way ever again, since Emi was my first Asian. (Edit/correction: She was actually my second Asian. I forgot about one several months before her. But for some reason, Emi was the Asian girl who caused me to start looking at Asian women differently.)
I set up a bed for her on my couch and tucked her in for the night. âI wanted to do that with you,â she said. I touched her face again and kissed her on the forehead, and went to my bed where Selina was already sleepingâ¦
â¦or so I thought. The night wasnât over yet. It had actually just begun.
I thought Selina was asleep, but as soon as I sat on the bed, she popped right up and asked me if I had âfucked Emi.â She had a big smile on her face. I told her yes and she laughed. Then she started asking a bunch of questions about her and Emi compared. Was she tighter? Hotter? Did she make hotter sounds during sex? And so on.
We both laughed and as we talked, I felt a strange pain in my lower back. When I mentioned it and started rubbing my back, Selina made a joke about how I was âold as fuckâ and how an âold man like me shouldnât be surprised he throws his back out while fucking all these younger girls.â I was only 36 at the time, but I understood how old that must feel to an 18-year-old like Selina.
We both went to bed. Strangely, the pain in my back started getting worse. I shifted in the bed to different positions, and nothing seemed to help. Soon, I had to get up to take an aspirin. Selina was already asleep and snoring.
I walked to the kitchen, passing Emi who was sleeping soundly on the couch, and looked for some painkillers. I didnât have any. I never have any medical problems, so I never have any medicine in my house. Swearing a few times, I threw on my jeans and a T-shirt, got in my car, and drove down to the 24-hour convenience store. It was about 3am.
Walking around the store, the pain in my back was now a sharp, stabbing pain, far worse than it was just a few minutes prior. I purchased the aspirin, and, walking funny as I clutched my stabbing back, got back into my car.
Within seconds of driving home, the pain in my lower back was so intense that I was contorting my body, barely able to clutch the steering wheel. I started breathing in rapid, panicked breaths, like my lungs werenât getting enough oxygen. What the fuck is happening to me? Am I dying?
I had no idea what was wrong. I had never felt pain like this in my entire life. Even getting my ass kicked in full-contact Karate when I was younger wasnât this painful.
Confused and scared, I decided to change course and head straight for the hospital. If this pain got any worse, I wouldnât be able to drive.
Fortunately, the hospital was only a few minutes away. I parked and staggered into the emergency room, barely able to walk. This was officially the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, before or since.
I practically screamed at the receptionist that I was in pain and had no idea why. She saw where I was pressing on my back, and said, âYep, you probably have a kidney stone.â
âKidney stone?!?â I screamed, âOld men get those! Iâm only 36!â
âSir,â the nurse said, rolling her eyes at my stupidity, âEveryone gets kidney stones. Teenage girls get kidney stones.â
âWhatever!â I screamed, âGive me drugs!â It was the first time I had ever asked for drugs in my life, medical or otherwise (I donât do drugs and never have). I was almost falling over.
They put me into a wheelchair, had me sign some paperwork, flopped me onto a hospital bed, and stuck my arm with intravenous painkillers. Within seconds, the pain vanished, and I was high as a kite for the first time in my life.
âFeeling better, Mr. Jones?â the doctor asked.
âFuuuuuuckkk yyyyyeeaaaaaah,â slurring my speech with my head bobbing up and down like a retard, âWhaaaatssss UUUUUUPPPPP MA BROTHA?â I had never been high before, so with zero resistance, the drugs had knocked me on my ass. I started talking like a black guy for some reason.
The doctor just smiled. Trying to shake myself out of the daze, I asked him if I really had a kidney stone. He said I did, and that I would be on Vicodin for about a week while I waited for the stone to pass.
âShiiiiiiit man,â I said, still high, âYou mean Iâm going to wiz out a stone???â
âIf youâre lucky,â he replied, âOtherwise if itâs too big, they may have to laser it.â
âThey’re gonna laser my cock???â
âLaser your bladder, actually.â
âAwwwww. Fuck!â
He then asked me if I knew anyone who could drive me home, as I was in no condition to drive. I told him I wasnât feeling well and it was hard to think. He said that I would feel better in a few minutes, and then to call someone.
He was right. After about 15 minutes I was still feeling weird from the drugs, but I no longer felt high or discombobulated. I then had to figure out who I could call at 3am in the morning to drive me home.
I called a friend of mine. He answered the phone and was willing to help, but then I heard his wife scream something at him, and then he said he couldnât come. Ah, beta males. I called him a pussy and hung up the phone. Realizing that I might have this same problem with everyone I called, I decided against my better judgment to call my parents.
I did so and my dad answered. I explained the situation and he agreed to come get me. I told him to not tell mom, since mom is emotional and I didnât want to deal with her freaking out at her son being in the hospital. He promised he wouldnât.
A little while later, I frowned as my terrified mother walked into my hospital room, followed by my dad who just gave me a sheepish shrug. Ah, beta males.
After spending a few minutes calming my mother down and assuring her everything was okay, my dad drove my car home and my mom drove me home with her own car. During the drive, my mom said she wanted to make me some soup and tuck me in. My mom is very kind and doesnât understand that 36 year-old sons donât need soup nor tuck-in service at night. I started to argue with her but didnât have the energy. It was around 4am and the drugs made me feel like complete shit. I doubled-down on my decision to never do drugs. This felt horrible.
Then something deep in my brain reminded me of tonightâs odd scenario. I had two 18-year-old girls in my house. Uh oh.
I turned to my mom and explained that she couldnât come into the house. She was offended and asked why. I sighed deeply and said that I had, um, some âguestsâ over. By now, my parents were vaguely aware of my new lifestyle and she knew what âguestâ meant.
âGuests?â she asked in horror, âPlural?â
âYes,â I groaned.
She shuddered. She was a traditional, Catholic, ex-nun and was not happy at my lifestyle at all. But I was in no mood to argue and she didnât push it.
Once again, something in my haze reminded me of something important. Emi was leaving for California the next day to visit friends, and I had promised to drive her to the airport. I couldnât drive now; the doctor said I shouldnât even attempt to drive for at least 24 hours. I felt so terrible that the advice made sense.
Barely thinking, I turned to my mom and asked her if she would drive me and my âtwo guestsâ to the airport tomorrow at 10am. Amazingly and hilariously, she agreed. Again, my mom is very sweet despite her traditional Societal Programming. I had no idea how I would explain this to the girls, but I was too tired and dazed to care.
My parents dropped me off and left, and I staggered into bed. Selina sleepily rolled over and asked me what the fuck was going on and where I went. I told her to shut up and go to sleep. She snorted but did so. I finally went to sleep myself.
I woke up the next morning feeling absolutely terrible. The Vicodin made me slow, dizzy, and tired. It was such a horrible feeling I would have almost preferred the pain. I thought, People actually take Vicodin for fun? Jesus.
Looking and feeling like a zombie, I sat both girls down and explained to them the situation, that I couldnât drive, and that my mother, of all people, was arriving at 10am to take us all to the airport so Emi could catch her plane.
Selina smiled big. She was finally going to meet my mom!
Emi looked terrified.
âAnd by the way,â I said to them, angry and irritated, âI donât want any funny business out of either of you. My mom is not like me. Sheâs a sweet old lady and you need to be nice. Nothing crazy.â
âDoes your mom know you like to fuck little girls, Daddy?â Selina asked with a big smile.
âNow god dammit!â I yelled, âThatâs exactly the kind of shit Iâm talking about. As soon as my mom gets here, you stow that crap. Youâll give my fuckinâ mom a heart attack.â
(If this sounds like Alpha Male 1.0 behavior, you’re correct. Remember, this was 10 years ago. My transformation to Alpha Male 2.0 wasn’t yet complete.)
âOh my god,â Emi said, shaking, âThis is so awkward! This is your mom! Sheâs going to know we had sex!â
Selina started laughing hysterically.
âItâll be fine,â I said, rubbing my head, a headache coming on, âYou two go get ready while I go upstairs and kill myself.â A terrified Emi and an ecstatic Selina marched off to the bathroom while I went upstairs to my home office to sit and stare at a wall.
My mom arrived at 10am as promised. Her jaw dropped open as two foofy 18-year-old girls with big boobs dressed in skirts and heels emerged from my house, followed by me, dressed in sweats and looking like death.
âIâm going to sit up front with your mom!â Selina said happily, âWeâre going to talk about you!â
âJust get in the fucking car,â I grunted.
Emi said nothing, just stared with wide eyes, horrified at the entire situation.
Emi and I sat in the back of my momâs SUV while Selina sat up front with my mom. Selina, being an extreme extrovert, immediately started talking to my mom. My mom, also a huge extrovert, responded in kind and the two of them started chittering like chatterboxes while I sat there feeling like absolute shit and while Emi sat there with a terrified look on her face.
Selina kept pushing the envelope the entire time. My mom would say something like, âCaleb is such a good boy,â and Selina would say, âOh yeah. He is good,â then sexily bite her tongue and look at me. I would just glare back at her, and Emi would look at one of us, then the other, wide-eyed.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, we made it to the airport and Emi left to catch her flight. My mom drove Selina and I back home, and I spent the next week in pure zombie hell until my kidney stone finally passed.
They didnât have to laser my cock after all.
More to come. The crazy shit was just getting started…
