Some guys try to get an ex woman back by talking about the relationship and âtrying to work things out.â
It rarely works.
Why?
1. A woman usually isnât going to be interested in getting back into a relationship, unless she feels a different kind of attraction for you
If your ex feels as though youâre essentially going to be offering her that same kind of attraction experience that she dumped you and left you because of, then sheâs not going to feel very motivated to get back with you.
The attraction experience you are offering her has to feel new and interesting (e.g. if a guy wasnât confident enough, he needs to start showing her and letting her experience his new level of confidence. If a guy wasnât manly enough, he needs to stop doing the sensitive, overly sweet, insecure, unmanly things that turned her off and start behaving in a more manly way).
She has to be able to sense that things really will be different and more importantly, that she will feel differently (in a good way) if she gets back with him.
This is where a lot of guys go wrong.
A guy will behave and treat her the same way he did when they first met, or when they were in an established relationship and hope that she will want him back based on the reasons heâs providing her (e.g. because of all theyâve been through together, how much he loves her, etc).
In some cases, a woman will reluctantly give a guy another chance based on him providing reasons and seeming to be sincere about doing better, changing and so on.
Yet, in almost all cases, a woman simply isnât going to be interested in starting up a relationship again if she isnât feeling a new kind of attraction for him.
So, in terms of your situation: Do you know what you need to change, adjust or improve to begin making her feel attracted in new ways, so she actually has an interest in getting back with you?
Ask yourself:
- What is it about me that turned her off?
- Did I start off being a confident guy that she fell in love with, but ended up being clingy and needy?
- What do I think was missing from the relationship?
- Was there still a spark between me and her, or did we end up feeling more like friends?
- Did she want me to behave in a way that I wasnât aware of (e.g. more assertive and manly rather than being so nice, sweet and compliant)?
- Was I trying to get her to accept things about me that she didnât and wonât ever find attractive (e.g. being emotionally dependent on her, being insecure, crying, acting like a victim in life)?
- Do I even know how to actively attract a woman when interacting with her (i.e. by being confident, being a playful challenge, using flirting), or was I simply just doing whatever and hoping she would stick with me because I love her so much?
- Was I a man that she could always look up to and respect, or did I ruin her respect for me on many occasions (e.g. by crying, giving up and not following through on goals, losing my temper, becoming overly jealous or possessive, feeling insecure about other men that she interacted with, needing too much of her emotional support to the point where she felt like a mother, big sister or mentor to me)?
When you understand where you went wrong with her, you can then begin to focus on what specific changes, adjustments or improvements you need to make.
Donât take a long time to do that though.
You need to learn and improve in the next few days to a week and then interact with her, re-attract her and get her back.
If you donât, then she will almost certainly begin to move on without you.
2. Discussing the relationship isnât the solution to getting a woman back
Re-attracting her sexually and romantically is the solution.
When she feels a renewed sense of sexual and romantic attraction for you, she then worries about losing you, missing you and regretting it.
Yet, if her feelings for you are pretty much dead, she simply isnât going to care, no matter how much you talk about the relationship to hopefully âwork things out.â
If you want to awaken her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction, understand that a woman looks for the following things in a man:
- Does he confidently lead the way in a relationship, thereby allowing her to feel feminine and girly around him, or is he too emotionally weak and insecure, which then forces her to take on a more dominant role in the relationship?
- Is he enough of a challenge to her, thereby making her feel motivated to treat him well and be a good woman to him or else risk losing him, or does she feel like she can walk all over him and heâll just put up with it so he can be with her?
- Does he treat her like a sexy, desirable woman, or does he treat her more like a buddy or roommate that he no longer sees as being sexy or desirable?
- Does he believe in himself and in his value to her, or does he feel like sheâs out of his league, which then results in him becoming needy, clingy, controlling or jealous?
- Does he have a clear purpose and direction in life that heâs working towards achieving, or is he irresponsible and simply drifting through life, or the kind of guy who blames everyone else for his failures and thinks itâs too difficult for him to achieve his big goals?
- Does he remain calm, confident and in control when she occasionally isnât being nice, easy and straightforward with him during a conversation, or does he become insecure, agitated, nervous or unsure of himself?
If you interact with her in a way that naturally decreases her feelings of attraction, she just isnât going to care about what youâve got to say about the relationship.
Getting her back is about her feelings for you, not about your feelings for her (she already knows that you have feelings for her).
Make her have feelings again and she will want you back.
3. Discussing the relationship usually pushes women away further because of how stressful, time consuming and energy sapping it can be
Even though a guyâs intentions are good when heâs talking about the relationship and trying to work things out, it usually just ends up reminding her of the reasons why she broke up with him.
So, rather than feeling happy and impressed with him for being so motivated to fix things with her, she feel tense and stressed out (e.g. because sheâs always having to respond to his long-winded messages, she gets interrupted at work, or when sheâs trying to relax or have fun with her friends, heâs always showing up unexpectedly at her house or workplace so they can talk, he wants to have long phone calls with her, or long in person discussions).
As a result, she ends up pushing him away and wanting space.
So, what should you do instead?
Understand that itâs totally fine to briefly brush over a few relationship problems if your ex brings them up during a conversation, but you shouldnât stick with the topic.
Instead, after acknowledging her concern or making her feel understood (very briefly), steer the conversation back to humor and feel good emotions, so she can feel good around you and realize that things arenât so bad between you and her after all.
When you approach it that way, she then naturally feels open to interacting with you more over the phone and in person, to see where things go.
Yet, if you stick with certain topics and end up having exhausting, deep and meaningful conversations in person, or worse, sending her long, detailed text messages, then sheâs almost certainly going want to push you away, or ask for space.
4. She can easily just say, âIâve had enough. I donât want to talk to you about this anymore. Please just leave me alone.â
If you keep trying to discuss the relationship and âwork things out,â she can easily decide to cut you out of her life completely.
For example: She mightâ¦
- Block your number.
- Unfriend you and block you on social media.
- Stop hanging out at any of the places that she might run into you.
- Refuse to meet up with you in person.
- Tell you to stop texting her.
- Tell you that itâs over and she never wants to hear from you again.
- Ask you for weeks or a month of space.
It then comes difficult for you to get through to her and re-attract her.
For example: It usually takes a bit of effort to get unblocked (e.g. posting up photos on social media of you having fun with other people, so she can see that youâre not desperately and lonely, or asking a mutual friend to put in a good word for you, showing up at her place of work to talk to her in person, emailing her, sending her a message on social media to apologize, etc), so you can then interact with her, re-spark her feelings for you and begin getting her back.
This is why, the best approach is to keep conversations with your ex light, relaxed and filled with humor.
Of course, itâs not about constantly cracking pointless jokes and not being serious about anything.
Instead, itâs about using a little bit of humor to take the edge off negative feelings she is holding onto, which then causes her to open up enough so you can begin to re-attract her and get her back.
So, donât be afraid to joke with her to diffuse the tension between you and make her feel happy to be interacting with you again, rather than dreading it.
5. Talking about the relationship can make her feel like you really want something that she doesnât want
Right now, you might feel like you want to get back together again with your ex for sure, 100%.
Yet, if you havenât reactivated her feelings for you, chances are high that sheâs not going to be feeling the same way about you.
So, every time you talk about the relationship with her, rather than feeling motivated to work things out with you, sheâs going to feel like you are pressuring her into something she doesnât want right now.
Always remember: To get an ex woman back, the only thing that matters is how you make her feel.
Your feelings, wants and desires are pretty much irrelevant and unimportant to her at this point.
She cares about herself (not because sheâs selfish, but because she has to now) and what she wants now.
She will only start to care about you and what you want, if you first reactivate her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction, so she actually has a reason to want to get back with you (i.e. to not regret losing you later, now that she is feeling attracted and missing being with you).
Additionally, when youâre talking about the relationship and trying to work things out, it can actually make her feel as though youâre being selfish and only thinking about yourself.
Of course, youâre not being selfish.
Youâre just trying to get her back because you love her and know that you will do better this time.
Yet, she doesnât see it that way because at the moment, itâs a one-sided attraction.
You want her, but she doesnât feel the same way, so to her; itâs all about you getting what you want.
4 Mistakes to Avoid When Talking to Your Ex About Anything From Now on
1. Being too nice or neutral
When a woman feels sexually attracted and in love with a man, she will usually appreciate it when he is nice to her, or does something nice for her.
Yet, if a woman doesnât have those kind of feelings for an ex that she has dumped, then him being nice doesnât turn her on and make her want him back.
Instead, she can perceive his nice gestures (e.g. being extra considerate of her feelings, being generous, being overly caring) as an attempt to manipulate her.
She can assume that heâs being very nice to her, so she feels guilty for dumping him and then feels obligated to give him another chance.
If she gets that sense, her guard will go up and she will become suspicious of anything nice her ex says to her, or does for her.
Additionally, if a woman has broken up with a guy, she isnât going to feel attracted, turned on and in love with him again if heâs just being neutral with her (e.g. just talking to her like a friend, not including any flirting in conversations and letting her sense that there is no romantic spark between them).
If she gets a sense that the romantic spark just isn’t there anymore, she will feel as though she made the right decision to break up with him and will continue moving on.
2. Being too serious and intense
One of the biggest mistakes that guys make when trying to get an ex back, is being too serious when interacting with her (e.g. he constantly talks about the relationship in a serious manner and what they can do to fix it).
He hopes that if she notices how sincere he is, she will then want to open back up to him and give him another chance.
Unfortunately though, women donât respond to a guyâs seriousness by then wanting him sexually and romantically.
Itâs not how it works.
A woman might appreciate his dedication, but itâs not what makes her want to give him another chance and itâs not what makes her feel sexually and romantically attracted again.
So, if your intention is to get your ex back, focus on making her smile and laugh when you talk to her by using humor and flirting, rather than being too serious and only trying to discuss the relationship with her to work things out.
When she feels good while talking to you, she will then feel more motivated to bring her emotional walls down and open up to getting back with you.
3. Feeling unworthy of flirting with her, or feeling like itâs âwrongâ to flirt with her
Sometimes a guy is worried that if he steps out of line with his ex (i.e. flirts with her), she will get angry and heâll then lose any chance he might have had of getting her back.
Yet, the opposite is actually true.
If you donât make your ex feel sexually attracted to you again (which you can do by flirting with her), then sheâs not going to feel much, or any, motivation to want to give you another chance at a sexual, romantic relationship with her.
So, donât be afraid to flirt with her and create sexual tension between you.
When you do, she naturally starts to want to release that sexual tension with hugging, kissing and sex.
As a result, it makes it so much easier for you to get her back.
4. Not following the ex back process in the order it is supposed to go
What is the right order?
Attraction first and everything else after that.
Talking about the relationship in detail should be done after youâve kissed, had sex and made up.
If she brings up the relationship before then, you can listen and talk a little, but always lean towards adding in humor and flirting to make things feel light and feel good between you in the moment.
Your main focus always needs to be on making her feel sexual and romantic attraction for you again.
Focus on that and you will easily get her back.
Focus on discussing the relationship to âwork things outâ and she will almost certainly push you away, ask for space or make a final statement of, âItâs over. I donât want to discuss the relationship with you anymore. Leave me alone.â
So, the next time you interact with her, what are you going to do?
