Cologne For Men

Believe it or not, a certain percentage of this blog’s regular readers are women.  I recently got an email from one of them raising an issue I had never really thought of before.  “Jade” writes in and asks:

All this man-wisdom and not one post about cologne???  Shouldn’t it be one of the main things you cover for guys? ….women like cologne you know.

While it’s always extremely dangerous for men to take dating advice from women (since women’s dating advice for men always consists of what women are supposed to say rather than what turns them on), I see no harm in talking about cologne.

My general opinion on cologne is it’s only nessessary if you need it, and a lot of guys don’t need it.  It’s more an issue of body odor than of cologne.

Body Odor

Some guys have more body odor than others.  Some of is due to external factors like diet and smoking, but frankly most of it is genetics.  I am blessed in that I have practically zero body odor at all (I’ll prove that in a minute).  However my son, god bless him, has very strong body odor and not the good kind, so he has to be very careful about bathing and wearing cologne.  On the other hand, my daughter has no body odor but often has very stinky feet.

And of course, if you’ve had sex with as many women as I have, you learn that some women smell great even without perfume, while other women…um…don’t.

My point is it varies from person to person.  If you genetically have strong body odor, then yeah, wear some cologne. Of course I would recommend addressing it in more natural ways (diet, natural oil-free body wash, etc).  But I’m not an expert in those areas and really can’t help you there.  We’ll talk about cologne selection in a minute.

If you know for a fact you don’t really have body odor, then I would hold off on the cologne except for things like special occasions, first dates, etc. This is what I do, since I don’t have BO.

“Whoa, wait a minute,” you say, “You can’t smell your own body odor so how do YOU know you don’t have BO you Blackdragon bastard?”

Great question.  Fortunately I have a great answer.  Indeed, it’s very difficult (if not impossible) to smell your own BO, even if it’s really bad.  So many years ago when I was still married I conducted a little experiment to find out.

Like all women married to the same man longer than about two or three years, I was married to a woman who instantly complained about anything I did she didn’t like.  If I had bad breath, even a little teeny tiny bit, I heard about it immediately.

It’s what wives do, as any married man will tell you.  It’s one of the bazillions of disadvantages of being in a traditional monogamous marriage.  Women you date are nice and sweet and fun.  Women who you’ve been married and monogamous to for more than about three years are pissy, bored and resentful.  Just ask any guy who’s been married longer than three years and he’ll tell you all about it.  But I digress.

I like to turn negatives into positives, so I used this negative trait as an experiment to see if I actually had “BO”.  One day I simply stopped using deodorant.  I used to use Speed Stick or Old Spice under my armpits every day.  One day, I just stopped.  I still showered daily and washed normally.  I just stopped all deodorant and cologne.  I went all European on my (ex) wife’s ass.  Even after exercising, even during sex, I didn’t wear shit.  I was totally “au naturel”.

I half expected to get a shitload of complaints about my stinky stinkiness within about two or three days of my lifestyle change.  Instead I heard…nothing.  Not a single complaint about how I smelled.  She complained about all kinds of other shit of course.  Like I said, that’s what wives are programmed to do.  But not about my smell. Awesome!  That was about, oh, ten years ago and I have not worn underarm deodorant  since.

Obviously it hasn’t been a problem for my sex life.  I had proven my BO was more or less nonexistent, as long as I showered and washed often, which I do.  I’m a very clean guy.  (With my poly lifestyle, you kinda need to be.)

So I really don’t wear cologne.  Sometimes for special occaions I will wear the old style Dolce & Gabbana For Men. I will usually wear cologne for first dates.  Not because I want to smell good, but to mask any little BO that might be lingering I can’t detect.  If you smell bad on a first date, even a little, lose 10 points.  So although I really don’t need it, what the hell, I err on the side of caution because I like getting laid.  But past the first date with a woman,  I really don’t wear cologne except for odd occasions.

I DO make sure to shower daily and usually (but not every time) wash thoroughly with a masculine-scented body wash.  My favorite is C.O Bigelow Barber Elixir Black.  Their white and red eixirs are also very good.  The point is to use a soap-free and oil-free body wash that smells like a man, not like a coconut or margarita, which is what most body washes smell like.  You’re man.  Smell like one.  Leaves the fruity flowery shit for the girls.

By the way, I shouldn’t have to say this, but if you’re regularly  having sex with more than one woman (and I really hope you are) make sure you wash your privates very, very well.  I don’t care if you always use a condom.  Wash that stuff.  Well.  Be cool about this.

Cologne

Alright, let’s talk about cologne.  There are essentially two types of cologne: musky and fruity-gay.  Sadly, 80% of the cologne you’ll see on the sample shelves at your local mall or department store will be, you guessed it, the fruity-gay kind.  You know the type.  It’s the kind of cologne that makes you smell like you just went swimming with Andy Dick and Richard Simmons in a pool full of mangos.  I’m not saying these colognes smell bad.  They don’t smell bad, they just smell, well…fruity and gay.

As always, you need to be congruent.  If you’re a more masculine guy, or a bigger guy, or a tougher guy, or more confident guy, then you should go for the more musky colognes.  You know, the old-fashioned kind that make you smell like you just chopped down a tree.  With your cock. The Dolce & Gabbana For Men that I wear is a good example, and there are many others.  Just spray some at the sample counter and pick the one you like best.  Bring a woman with you and ask her opinion if you like.  Just make sure she’s well under the age of 40.

If you’re a skinnier guy, or a more Russell Brand-type guy, or live in Europe, one of the fruity-gay colognes would probably be best.  My favorite of the fruity-gays is Versace Man Eau Fraiche, but there are many others.

There would be no point in me listing out a bunch of types and brands of cologne, because you really need to pick the one that smells best to you (and/or perhaps the women in your life).  The most important aspect is that you match the type of cologne to the type of man you are.  If you’re a more metroseuxal type and you wore one of my musky colognes, it would be weird, just like it would be odd if I wore a REALLY fruity cologne like Blue Seduction.

Have fun smelling!