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Ideal Nonmonogamous Relationship Configurations

BlackDragon
January 23, 2017

Over the years, many of you have asked this question:

What is the ideal configuration? For example, one OLTR, two MLTRs, and 3 FBs? What are the pros and cons of different configurations?

First, letâs quickly define our relationship types for any newer readers:

FB – Fuck buddy or friends with benefits. You donât date her, you just have sex with her. Sheâs your fuck friend, thatâs it.

MLTR – Multiple long term relationships. You really like her emotionally and romantically. Youâre dating her and having sex with her. However, you can date and be romantic with other women too (and she can date and have sex with other men).

OLTR – Open long term relationship. Sheâs your girlfriend or wife, and the only woman in your life you care for emotionally and romantically. However, you can still have sex with women on the side, provided theyâre just FBs or one night stands. MLTRs are not allowed.

The Rules

In order to follow a nonmonogamous relationship model correctly, for maximum happiness and minimum drama and hurt feelings, you must adhere to some rules. If you break any of these, youâre guaranteed for some severe problems in your life.

1. You can have as many FBs as you want. The only limit is your schedule.

2. You can have as many MLTRs as you want. However, having too many is risky (Iâll get to that in a minute).

3. When you have multiple MLTRs, you will never like all of them the same. There will be some you like more than others. Usually, there will be one you like the best. This can be your âhigh-endâ MLTR, whom you treat almost like a girlfriend (but not quite, remember, sheâs not an OLTR!). You technically can have more than one high-end MLTR, but you probably wonât want to.

4. You can only have one OLTR. An OLTR is the only relationship within this model that is actual pair-bonding.

5. MLTRs are not allowed if you have an OLTR. Therefore, thereâs an error in the question I quoted above. If you have an OLTR, you canât have any MLTRs. Your OLTR is your girlfriend or wife, the only woman youâre dating (but not fucking). If you have more than one âOLTRs,â or have an OLTR and a MLTR, you donât actually have an OLTR at all; you instead have multiple MLTRs and youâre misusing the term âOLTR

6. FBs are allowed in an OLTR, subject to whatever ground rules you and her set up for the relationship. Those ground rules are completely up to you, but as I talked about in my book, you want the absolute minimum number of rules. The more rules you have in a relationship, the more drama you are guaranteed to have. This is one of the reasons why monogamous relationships tend to have so much drama; too many rules. Human beings donât like rules in their personal lives and arenât capable of following them long-term. If you ever find yourself in an OLTR with a woman who is insisting on a bunch of rules, youâve probably picked the wrong woman to be your girlfriend, and a downgrade is probably in order.

Guidelines

These are not rules, but general guidelines that you should follow for maximum happiness and minimal problems.

1. While you are technically allowed to have as many MLTRs as you like, having three MLTRs is pretty tough, and having four or more is going to be extremely difficult. Unlike FBs, MLTRs are real ârelationships.â Imagine dating, in a romantic relationship, four women all at the same time. Itâs pretty brutal, even if you have a lot of free time on your hands. I normally have two MLTRs, sometimes just one. (Today I have an OLTR instead, which means I have zero MLTRs.) Iâve had three MLTRs at certain points, but it was pretty difficult, and it was back when my work schedule was much less intensive. Iâve never had more than three at the same time, and wouldnât want to.

2. Having a girlfriend, of any kind (OLTR or even a typical monogamous LTR) is not recommended for younger men. If youâre well under the age of 30, then dude, donât even worry about an OLTR right now. Have fun with FBs and MLTRs and worry about an OLTR later. Having an OLTR is a real commitment of time, focus, energy, and emotion, in ways MLTRs and FBs are not. Managing an OLTR also takes more skill, is much easier to screw up, and has higher potential for drama than MLTRs. If youâre a younger guy, you likely donât have the experience yet to do something like this, regardless of how smart you are or what your feelings are telling you.

I realize most younger men reading this are going to ignore this advice, but the advice is still accurate. Avoid an OLTR until youâre older. I was around 38 years old before I had anything that even looked like an OLTR.

3. As much as I hate to say this, the best FBs are ones who already have boyfriends. (Ah, monogamy.) They are the least amount of drama and take the least amount of effort and time. To be clear, Iâm talking about boyfriends, not husbands (having ongoing sex with married women is risky and I donât recommend it). Iâm not recommending that you go around and fuck a bunch of women who have boyfriends. Iâm just stating the fact that FBs with boyfriends are the least amount of trouble. What you do with that information is up to you.

4. MLTRs should not have boyfriends, even though one might think otherwise. Every time Iâve seen a guy with a MLTR who also had a boyfriend, serious drama and problems was the result. However, your MLTRs can have other MLTRs of their own; thatâs perfectly acceptable (sometimes even preferable).

5. FBs and MLTRs can be any age you like. Age 18 to 50+, whatever youâre in to. Over the last ten years of my life, I’ve had both FBs and MLTRs with women that went from age 18 all the way to the mid-50s. It’s no problem as long as you do everything correctly.

6. Any guy with an OLTR who is younger than about age 24 is asking for serious problems down the road. Read this for more information. If long-term happiness is important to you, consider 24 the absolute youngest youâll go for an OLTR (minimums of 25 or 30 would be even better). Keep women age 23 and younger to FBs and MLTRs only. Theyâre not done evolving yet, so it’s foolish to place any long-term expectations on women this young.

7. You are allowed to fall in love with a MLTR. Obviously you should never fall in love with a FB, and if you have an OLTR love is already assumed (if you donât love her, she probably shouldnât be your OLTR). Being in love with multiple MLTRs is not recommended (assuming you can even do that; most men canât).

8. Always remember that your goal is to build a long-term roster of women who will come and go from your life, for the rest of your life. Your goal is not to have a bunch of short-lived relationships where you never see the woman again after she LSNFTEs you; thatâs way too much work (unless youâre a Thrill of the Hunt guy). Once you spend several years acquiring new FBs and MLTRs, youâll have a nice list of women you can âlive onâ without ever having to go out and sarge for new women (or at least need to do so frequently). I havenât done a true, full-on online dating blitz in over two years. I have more than enough FBs and ex-MLTRs on my roster to probably last me several more years before I ever have to find a new woman. Itâs awesome! But to be fair, it took me several years to get there. If that sounds good to you (and trust me, itâs good), set it as a goal and get it done.

Your Factors

With the above parameters in mind, whatâs the ideal configuration? There is none! Every man has different needs and limitations. Your job is not to find the ideal configuration, but the ideal configuration for you. Your ideal configuration is based on the following factors:

1. Your age. Younger guys tend to have more flexible schedules, less money, higher drama tolerances, and get feelings and oneitis faster. Older guys tend to have more money but more tight schedules, and are usually far less tolerant of drama from women.

2. Your sex drive. The higher your sex drive, the more women youâre going to need and the more time and overhead your relationship life will take. Men with much lower sex drives have an advantage here; they need fewer women, thus need to spend less time with this part of their life.

3. Your kid situation. Men with kids are going to have much less flexible schedules and will have to be more discreet about their sexual activities.

4. Your schedule. Obviously, if you work 50 hours a week and are in the gym five days a week, youâre not going to be able to manage as many women as the guy who never goes to the gym and only works part time.

5. Your income might have an effect on this decision, depending on whether or not you like to wine and dine women, and considering that MLTRs and OLTRs tend to cost more than FBs, at least over time. (That being said, itâs perfectly possible to have a MLTR that costs you zero or negative (i.e. she pays for you) if your frame is strong; Iâve done it several times.)

Also realize that your ideal configuration will change as you get older. If youâre 25, the thought of settling down with an OLTR might rack you with horror. (âWhy would any guy do that???â) Twenty years later when youâre 45, settling down with an OLTR might sound like a pretty good idea, provided youâre careful. Or, the reverse may be true. Maybe youâve spent your entire younger years married multiple times, and as a divorced older guy now, youâre done with that shit, and just want to relax and get laid with FBs (and perhaps the occasional MLTR) for the rest of your elder years.

There is no right answer here, provided what youâre doing makes you very happy and you follow the above rules. The point is, the odds of your ideal configuration being the same forever is possible, but quite unlikely.

6. You shouldn’t have kids with MLTRs. I’ve seen a few guys do it, but its usually messy. Having kids with a long-term, co-habiting, correctly structured OLTR who has been cool with you for many years before you guys have any kids is fine. As usual, make sure you take all the usual precautions and don’t expect the OLTR to last “the rest of your life,” because it won’t.

Common Ideal Configurations

Here are some common configurations that have worked for me and hundreds of men Iâve talked to about these topics over the last nine years.

1 MLTR, 1 FB. This is the best configuration for beginners, by far. One girl youâre dating and you like, and one girl on the side you see occasionally. Any man reading these words is capable of this configuration. Stop with your fucking excuses. It also eliminates the âthis takes too much timeâ excuse. This is even easier than two FBs, because if youâre a complete beginner, youâre likely to âcatch feelingsâ for at least one of them, so the 1 MLTR, 1 FB configuration frees you from having to worry about that. If youâre just getting started, 1 MLTR and 1 FB should be your first goal to hit.

3 to 5 FBs. This one is best for very busy men, or older guys who have âbeen there and done that.â You have zero dating overhead, which is very nice. Youâre getting laid constantly, and it doesnât take very much time at all. You simply have a list of 3 to 5 women you can text whenever you want, so you never go without sex, yet never have any complications.

1 MLTR, 3 to 5 FBs. This is another very easy, clear-cut configuration. You have a bunch of women, but only one you actually âlikeâ and date. Lots of men really like this one. Iâve done it once or twice myself.

2 MLTRs, 2 or 3 FBs. This is best for high sex drive men and men who are not complete beginners. This is the configuration I have followed for most of the last decade or so, and it was wonderful. You get it all; frequent sex, companionship, connection, even love when you want it, all while staying very free to live your life as you wish without the overhead or rules of a girlfriend or wife. Itâs also long-term sustainable; you can have this configuration literally for the rest of your life.

2 or 3 MLTRs. This is for more romantic guys with more emotional personalities. Some guys are uncomfortable with the concept of the FB, so they have 2 to 3 women they see, and theyâre all MLTRs. Almost always they have one designated as the high-end MLTR. Thereâs nothing inherently wrong with this configuration, but just remember that if the concept of having sex with a FB is disturbing to you, youâre likely in for problems (drama) down the road.

OLTR with 1 FB. This is a more difficult configuration, and a rarer one. It is one Iâve eyed as a goal myself for several years. Itâs difficult because FB relationships usually have shorter life spans due to LSFNTEs, so keeping one, steady FB around for a prolonged period of time is unlikely. You may have to constantly replace her every six months or so from either your roster or from cold approach pickup. The upside is huge though; you can devote your emotional and sexual focus on your OLTR girlfriend/wife, but get a little on the side when you need it in a way that takes very little time. Itâs ideal for older guys or busier guys.

OLTR with 2 or 3 FBs. This is a very common configuration, particularly for busy men over 30. You get the loving, pair-bonding experience with a girlfriend or wife, and get regular fun on the side whenever you want it.

OLTR with lots (5+) of FBs. This is a common configuration for guys who have higher sex drives, or make more money, or have more public personalities, or have Thrill of the Hunt tendencies. The upside is both the provider and the player in you get to express themselves regularly; itâs truly the best of both worlds. The downside is that itâs quite time intensive, thus not a good fit for busier men.

While reading through these configurations, Iâm sure one or two spoke to you as something youâd enjoy. Go for it! If youâre starting from scratch with this nonmonogamy stuff, read this article or even better, buy this book. None of this is very difficult if youâre willing to put in a little time up-front. The payoffs in happiness are huge.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the blog Caleb Jones.

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Post Information
Title Ideal Nonmonogamous Relationship Configurations
Author BlackDragon
Date January 23, 2017 1:00 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Blog Caleb Jones
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/blog/Caleb-Jones/ideal-nonmonogamous-relationship-configurations.23038
https://theredarchive.com/blog/23038
Original Link https://blackdragonblog.com/2017/01/23/ideal-nonmonogamous-relationship-configurations/
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