Nonmonogamy is not just one thing. There are many types and flavors, some of which I like, some of which I donât like but I know work well for other people, and some of which I donât recommend at all.
In my books, I have covered various forms of nonmonogamy, but I have never actually presented a comprehensive list. I will do that for you to today.
With monogamy, you have essentially two types: serial monogamy (or temporary monogamy) which is monogamy that is not really expected to last longer than about three years, and long-term monogamy, what I call Disney monogamy, which is monogamy that is expected to last a very long time, anywhere from beyond three years to âforever.â
Nonmonogamy is very different. The types of nonmonogamy are so numerous and varied that they are radically different from each other, and appeal to radically different types of people. For example, I think open relationships are great, polyamory is good, but I would never be a swinger, and if I was a polygamist with multiple wives Iâd probably kill myself. And I’m sure you could find a million people who believe the literal opposite of what I just said.
Once you reach the point where you emotionally accept that monogamy doesnât work (itâs easy to reach that conclusion logically, but getting your emotions, Societal Programming, and Obsolete Biological Wiring to acknowledge it is the hard part) it then becomes your job to identify which type of nonmonogamy is long-term conducive and most compatible with your personality. (Or, if youâre a recovering Alpha Male 1.0, which form of nonmonogamy will irritate you the least.)
To help you out with that, here is every form of nonmonogamy I am aware of; as comprehensive of a list as I can give you.
Threesome-Only Relationship: This means that you are only allowed to have sex with other women when itâs in a threesome with your GF/wife. Itâs essentially monogamy, to the point where itâs been called âkinky monogamyâ or âmonogamish.â
I donât actually consider this nonmonogamy, since as soon as your GF/wife doesnât want threesomes anymore (something that is 100% guaranteed to happen if the relationship lasts long enough), it suddenly becomes monogamy. Therefore, I do not recommend threesome-only relationships and I have never seen them work out well in the long-term. It usually just turns into monogamy (and you know where things go from there).
Fuck Buddies / Friends With Benefits / FBâs: This is, obviously, when youâre having sex with two or more recurring women in a very casual, friendly, nonromantic relationship. There are no rules, no structure, and no dating, just friendship and sex.
Obviously Iâm a huge proponent of FBâs and I think every man should have at least one or two. I have several myself, and always will.
Swinging: This is when you and your GF/wife, as a couple, have sex with other couples. You going out and having sex with women independently of your wife is not allowed (and if it is, I donât consider it swinging). Going to sex clubs, swinging clubs, and sex parties is common with swinger couples.
Swinging is not my thing. I have never done it and have no interest. Having sex with some dudeâs wife while my wife gets fucked by him is fine I guess, but its not something that turns me on. That being said, I have personally known a decent number of couples who are swingers and who really, really like it. Some of the happiest long-term couples Iâve ever met were swingers, including within my extended family.
The danger of swinging is that it has the potential to become monogamy (what happens when your GF/wife doesnât want to swing anymore?) but unlike with threesome-only relationships, if the man stays Alpha, he can convert the swinging relationship into an OLTR or similar (whereas this is almost impossible in a threesome-only relationship).
Polyamory: This is when you are with at least two women in close, romantic, MLTR relationships, and these women are also dating other men in MLTRâs at the same time. Maybe you even all know each other, or maybe you donât.
I think polyamory is great, though Iâve only done it a handful of times. The downfall of this system is that the potential for drama and jealousy is a little high, but if you use the relationship techniques I describe in my Ultimate Open Relationships Manual, youâll be just fine.