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Calibrating attraction by controlling the venue.

October 21, 2010

Susan Walsh did an interesting post last week on meeting a good man in a bar:

Is it possible to meet the love of your life in a bar? Of course. Is it easy? No. The odds are not in your favor. Should you bother then? Well, I do know several happy couples who met in a bar.

She breaks the dos and don’ts down in her post and offers specific advice on how to choose the bar, how to dress, and appropriate body language and how to signal attraction.  This way a woman can better her odds of being taken seriously by the kind of man she is looking to attract.

It all strikes me as sensible advice, and I suggest reading it if you haven’t already.  But I think there is an additional challenge a woman creates for herself by going to bars whether looking for nice guys or not;  she makes herself more likely to fall for a player.

Of course, falling for a player isn’t necessarily a bad thing for many women.  So if that is what you want, I say have at it.  But if you have given the issue serious consideration and decide this isn’t what you want, then you not only need to put yourself in a position to meet the right kind of guy, but to find this kind of guy attractive.

But how is this possible?  We know that women are hypergamous by natureDon’t mess with nature Dalrock.  You can’t change it anyway.

Yes and no.  Women are hypergamous by nature.  They all want the leader, the successful man who is in command of his environment.  But this of course leaves the question;  which environment?  Want to get gina tingles for aging rocker Brett Michaels?  Spend some time on a bus tour with him.  Before long you will be rocking your own misspelled tattoo while enjoying three way kisses with other women.

If you are looking for a man in a bar, or even spending time in bars or keg parties, you are unknowingly stacking the deck against being attracted to the kind of nice guy you have decided you want.  So even if you do meet him, he just plain won’t shine in your eyes.

Alphas/Players/PUAs tend to thrive in pretty much any setting where the rules are ambiguous and when interacting with strangers.  They will feel perfectly natural starting a conversation and building rapport with an unknown woman at a bar, the grocery store, a mega-church, or the local library.  But a bar is their natural habitat.  You are literally giving players the home field advantage by going to a bar and comparing different types of men. The kind of guy you want to be attracted to will be a fish out of water.  They will seem weak, players will seem strong.  Even when you leave the bar, those preferences will likely stay with you.

Imagine a church with strong moral leadership and which highly values masculinity along with faith, loyalty, honor, intelligence, etc.  I know this is hard, but really try.  My father in law belongs to a cowboy church out in an area mostly populated by ranchers, so I have seen such a church.  My guess is Jewish orthodox temples probably have a similar culture/values.  Now imagine dropping the king of the local bar into that environment.  Sure he is naturally social with everyone, including strangers.  But he won’t be the guy the men and women there admire;  the ones the other young women looking for husbands wish they could get.

For women looking for a husband my advice is simple.  Picture the kind of man you want to be attracted to.  Picture him in the prime of his power.  If you are a young woman who wants to marry a man more your own age, now picture that prime of his power man as he would have been at a younger age.  A little less confident and powerful, but with real ability and a basic goodness about him.  Now picture the kind of setting the younger version would be most comfortable and dominant in.  That setting is where you should look for your husband, and the only kind of setting where you should position yourself to compare different kinds of men.

See Also (part 2): Overcivilized men, uncivilized women.

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Post Information
Title Calibrating attraction by controlling the venue.
Author Dalrock
Date October 21, 2010 4:54 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Blog Dalrock
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/blog/Dalrock/calibrating-attraction-by-controlling-thevenue.12417
Original Link https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/calibrating-attraction-by-controlling-the-venue/
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