I talk about honesty a lot on this site.
Like, a hell of a lot.
I talk about how honesty makes your life a million times easier, with less drama, less tension, less anxiety, less guilt and more mutual respect between you and the girls you date. Not to mention you won’t have to tiptoe around, constantly worrying about getting caught out or contradicting yourself. Mark Twain said it best:
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
One thing that’s been made clear to me since starting my site a year ago is there’s a real gap in the market when it comes to getting laid advice that also focuses on honesty. Most getting laid advice either ignores the concept of honesty, or outright argues against it, instead spouting ideas like, “Being honest is showing weakness and girls will leave you if you’re weak.” Ughh.
I’ve lost count of the number of guys who’ve tried honesty and found it works better for them than lying/playing games ever did. Here’s one of my favourite comments so far: “You are the only guy I’ve ever read who says to be honest when trying to get laid a lot. I think almost all guys want to be good and moral and considerate. It’s just that we are completely inundated with people telling us we CAN’T be honest with women.”
So, honesty is what we strive for here. Being real with girls & bringing them onto your team (instead of treating them like the enemy). But with all of my advocating for honesty, I realise there’s a very real chance you could feel a bit overwhelmed by the pressure to be as honest and upfront as I am. Yes, I’m honest with girls – but remember I’ve been doing this for years – I’ve had a lot of time to practice being honest.
I took a hell of a long time to get to this level of honesty (what I call “autistic honesty”). I started off manipulative, deceitful, conniving; especially when it came to women. They’d ask me a direct question and I’d avoid it, or make a joke out of it – because that’s what pickup artists had told me you’re supposed to do. I sure as hell wasn’t willing to ever be honest – or heaven forbid, vulnerable – with any woman, because “only betas are honest with girls.” You know my thoughts on that.
So although I preach total honesty, and bang on about it in almost every article, I don’t want you to think less of yourself if you struggle with being honest & upfront with girls. I don’t want you to beat yourself up if sometimes you tell a lie because you don’t know what to say, or you avoid a direct question a girl asks you, or you change the subject. Yes, keep working on it and aim to eventually be as honest as you possible can. But that needs to be a goal you’re working towards – you can’t expect yourself to be there immediately. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
The way to improve your ability to be honest is to practice it. Every time you’re faced with a choice to be honest or to avoid the truth, choose the truth. Sometimes it’ll be hard, sometimes you’ll pussy out and just go with a lie because it’s easier. But as long as you’re always trying to tell the truth, you’ll eventually get good at it – even if it takes a while.
And in those moments were you want to be honest but have no idea how to say it: Stop worrying about being perfect. Just blurt out whatever is in your head, even if it’s awkward/dumb/weird/autistic. You can even preface it with, “This might sound really lame, but…” You don’t have to be smooth, you don’t have to be a wordsmith; a clumsy truth is better than a smooth lie.
And it’s not just you that struggles to be fully honest – a lot of girls I’ve dated have taken a while to work up to complete honesty. It’s required a lot of encouragement from me and a lot of hard work on their end. Not to mention they’ve had to be pretty damn brave; opening yourself up to complete honesty can be really fucking terrifying.
My girlfriend struggled with this as much as anybody – as she wrote in her article here, she wasn’t honest with me (or anyone) at the start. It was incredibly difficult for her to open up & share herself, because it was something she’d never ever practiced; especially not in relationships. But she was patient with herself, she forced herself to take risks and try sharing the truth with me a little at a time, and over time she realised nothing bad happens when you tell the truth. Just like I discovered, she found people actually respond very positively (especially in relationships), and she eventually got herself to the point she’s at now where she can be honest 99% of the time.
And that number I just gave you is important – 99%. Even the most honest people in the world lie sometimes; it’s part of being human. Telling the truth isn’t always easy; in some ways it goes against our natural instincts. It’s something you have to train yourself to do.
Even I sometimes get it wrong & lie, or hide things, only to later bring the truth out a few weeks later… usually also with, “I have no idea why I didn’t tell you this earlier.” You should aim for 100% honesty, but don’t beat yourself up if you’re not always perfect. None of us are.
In relationships, honesty is something you work towards together; by bringing her onto your team. You do so by keeping it real and cutting through the bullshit, by saying something like: “Look, I want you to be completely real with me. Let’s be honest with each other, because I’ve had enough of dating people who played games.” Do this preemptively; you need to initiate this conversation yourself.
I’ve had this conversation with basically every new girl I’ve dated in the last 2 years – either on the first or the second date. It’s the reason my girls are so damn honest with me; because I’m pre-emptively setting up a foundation of honesty from the very beginning. If you make it very clear early on you expect honesty (and will give it yourself), you’ll find most girls will absolutely be on board. But it’s up to you to lead by example, and initiate the honesty.
Another thing I’ll make clear: You don’t have to always be an open book about your personal life – you don’t have to tell every single girl absolutely every little detail of your life. If you’re a little uncomfortable sharing some of the most personal aspects of your life, then don’t – just tell her, “I’d rather not share that” or “I’d like to keep that private if that’s cool.” Honesty doesn’t mean sharing the things you absolutely are not ok wtih sharing. I’m simply advocating for being more honest than you usually would be; even if that’s only a tiny bit more than usual. We’re aiming for small, gradual improvements.
It’s also totally ok if you start off a little shy, closed-off, and hesitant with each new girl; as long as you do your best to slowly open up to her as you learn to trust her (and she learns to trust you). Again, just take little baby steps when talking to her – you two can learn to open up to one another, together, a bit at a time. If you’re inexperienced, honesty can take time to build up.
Though it make take you some time if you’re inexperienced at it, I promise it isn’t that difficult. Just go one step at a time – practicing being a little more honest than you usually would be. If a girl says, “How’s your experience on Tinder been so far?” You don’t have to blurt out the absolute 100% truth if you’re not comfortable doing so. You don’t have to spew out, “Holy crap so I’ve been rejected 193 times and I feel like such a loser and I’ve only had sex with 2 girls so far and I don’t know what I’m doing.” (You’re welcome to be that honest if you want to – I’ve been that honest many times.) But if you’re not comfortable sharing to that level, then don’t. Instead just take it as a chance to be cautiously-honest – eg, “I’ve had some good experiences and some bad ones.”
She’ll likely say, “Me too”. You can then get her to open up a bit with, “Oh? Tell me about one of your bad dating experiences, I’m curious.” She’ll tell you about one of her shitty Tinder dates, and then you can reciprocate with a story of your own – if you want to. Again, share what you’re comfortable with; if you’re shy/normally a bit closed-off, then opening up like this will take a bit of practice and patience.
Over the course of the conversation with her, you’ll both naturally open up to each other a bit by sharing things with one another. You’ll start feeling more comfortable together, you’ll start to see that she’s not going to judge you, and you’ll naturally want to share more and more of yourself. Congratulations! You’re getting better at being honest and open.
Look, I fully acknowledge that it’s probably easier for me to be honest than it is for you (if you’re new to being honest with girls) – because I have a lot of girls in my life. I don’t really care if I lose a girl – I’ve been with enough that I’m not bothered if my honesty turns a girl off and makes her leave. I’m aware that if you’re inexperienced or don’t currently have girl(s) in your life, the idea of being completely honest can make you worry, “But what if my honesty is too much for her? What if she doesn’t respect my vulnerability and she leaves?”
I had the exact same worries when I was a newbie – those worries used to eat me up. I wanted to be honest; I was just so scared. I had to take deep breaths each time, tell myself it was a risk worth taking just to see what would happen, and then throw myself into the deep end and blurt out the honest truth. You really are going to have to trust me on this – I promise everything will work out. Just take a leap of faith and tell yourself, “Let’s just see what happens if I’m honest and treat a girl like she’s on my team instead of treating her like ‘the other’.” I think you’ll be surprised to find that 9 times out of 10, your honesty makes her respect you and like you a lot more.
If you’re still nervous, remember you don’t have to go from 0 to 100 instantly. You don’t have to jump straight into, “I’m 100% honest, 100% of the time!” That’s way too much pressure to put on yourself, and it’s probably not realistic. Honesty is an ideal you work towards; it doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get there, just focus on practicing your honesty a little each day.
And even today, after all this practice, I’m not always as honest as I would like to be. I’m not always perfect. I have moments where I tell a white lie to a girl, then think, “Why the hell did I just lie about that?” Being 100% honest is something to definitely aim at – but you need to make allowances for the fact you’re a fallible human. You aren’t perfect. You’re going to fall short and fuck up sometimes. That’s normal. Do your best to be as honest as you possibly can, and don’t beat yourself up when you find yourself telling a lie out of habit. Habits take time and repetition to break; so be patient with yourself.
And those habits can be a bitch to break – I know that better than anyone. A girl may ask you, “Are you seeing other girls?” and you lie out of habit, saying, “No I’m not”… when actually, there’s another girl you’re banging. Then you feel like a lying bastard, and you wonder why on Earth you lied to her face for no reason, other than because it was easy.
But in those moments, I want you to cut yourself some slack – you can’t expect to be a perfect bastion of honesty right from the get-go. Instead, look at this as an opportunity to make up for it by being just a little bit more honest now. Text her a week later and say, “Hey, just a heads up I’ve started seeing another girl right now. I’m letting you know because you asked before.” Sure, that’s not 100% honest – you didn’t really just start seeing the other girl (you’d already been seeing her). But it’s one step closer to true honesty – it’s a little white lie that still has some truth it in. It’s progress. Then try your hardest not to lie at all next time.
If you’re ready for it, you can instead be 100% honest with her and say: “Hey you asked me the other day if I’m seeing other girls and I said no. I actually am seeing another girl casually; I dunno why I lied. I guess I’m just relatively new to this whole casual dating thing and I panicked. I’m sorry, that’s my bad. I’m trying to at least be honest with you now. I promise I’ll be real with you and tell you the truth in future.”
In preaching honesty, I’m saying it’s something I want you and everybody else reading this (including myself) to aspire to. 100% honesty may not always be a reality for you though; especially not right away.
On another note, honesty doesn’t always mean absolute brutal honesty where you hurt other people. I don’t go up to girls on the street and say, “Yo, I want to fuck you. Your tits are so fucking suckable, babe.” I allude to it with, “Hey, you’re sexy and I wanted to say hi”.
If I don’t want to see a girl any more, I don’t tell her, “You have a shitty personality so I don’t want to see you ever again.” I soften the blow a bit by saying, “I’m just not feeling the chemistry” – which is the truth, just a nicer version of it.
Yes, we’re aiming for honesty – but you need to balance that with not being crass, deaming, insulting or hurting people when there’s no benefit to it. Don’t lie, but you don’t have to overshare to the point of being an asshole. Telling a girl, “You suck so I’m not seeing you again” doesn’t benefit you; it just makes you feel like an asshole, hurts her, and increases the chances of drama/retaliation (you know what they say about a woman scorned…)Credit: Marco Bianchetti
As for how to improve your honesty – here’s a great example. I get asked a lot, “When should I tell girls that I’m seeing other girls (non-monogamous)?”
Me personally, I tell girls really early on that I’m seeing multiple girls – as soon as I get their number (before we go on the first date). It’s also pretty clear just from my Tinder/Hinge photos – I have photos of me with my girlfriend. I’ve found the earlier you let girls know you’re seeing other girls, the less drama you will run into. Not to mention they’ll appreciate and respect you for being so upfront and not bullshitting them. It makes life easier for both of you, because every girl knows what she’s signing up for. There’s no arguments; there’s no, “You led me on!”
But when I first started getting laid, I was terrified of being so upfront and honest with girls. I thought they’d bite my head off if they knew I was sleeping with other girls. I thought it was “wrong” somehow, and something to be ashamed of (it’s not, obviously). I thought they’d hate me, or say I was a perv, or some other nonsense like that (I was very naive early on; I had no idea most girls are fine with you seeing other girls, as long as you’re upfront about it). So the best I could do was nervously change the subject or make a joke if any girls ever asked me directly… and sometimes I’d just outright lie and say “No”. Lying/avoiding the question led to quite a lot of drama.
So I worked on being better at directly answering the question when girls asked me. It took a hell of a lot of forcing myself to be honest, but every time a girl asked me, I’d take a deep breath and just say, “Yes, I’m seeing other girls.” It was terrifying at first – I was worried they’d yell at me or something – but most of them took it pretty well. Because although I hadn’t told them as early as I could have (I could have told them before we had sex), at least I didn’t lie when they directly asked me – and they appreciated the honesty.
Over time I tried forcing myself (you may actually have to force yourself) to tell them a little earlier. I started proactively telling them after we’d had sex two or three times – “By the way, are you seeing any other people? It’s cool if you are, because I am too, and I’d rather be honest about it.” Most girls took that very well; they appreciated me being honest and bringing it up, especially because I was mentioning it before they’d had a chance to develop strong feelings and think we were in a monogamous relationship. Again, they appreciated the honesty.
Then I started forcing myself to just blurt it out immediately after the first time we’d have sex. That was really hard – lying in bed cuddling with a girl, being in my own head, trying to think of the perfect way to phrase it, terrified that I was going to fuck everything up by “dropping this bombshell”. In the end I just had to force myself to say, “Hey just to be upfront what are you looking for? I’m happy to keep seeing you but just letting you know I usually date a couple of girls at the same time. What about you?”
It felt awkward and very forced the first few times I said it, but now the girls were really appreciating my honesty. Quite a few of them said, “I really appreciate you mentioning this so early – you are the only guy who’s ever actually brought this up, every other guy just kinda hopes I never bring it up. Thankyou.”
Then I grew an even bigger pair of balls and decided to start saying it on dates, before we’d had sex. Now girls were really on board with my honesty, and they’d usually open up with a lot of honesty of their own, sharing things they’d never told any other guys, being completely real and upfront with me too and telling me exactly what they wanted. I was getting much better at being honest.
Finally I worked my way up to where I am now – telling girls before we even meet exactly what I’m looking for, and being completely upfront. My very first message on Tinder is now, “Have experience with being submissive/BDSM, or is it something you’d like to explore?” There’s no beating around the bush, no hiding what I want; I’m completely upfront. I also answer all of their questions with the truth, without hiding anything. As I’m sure you could guess, girls are incredibly appreciative of how honest and upfront I am; now I can say I’m closer to 100% honesty (maybe something like 99% honesty).
And do you know how long it took me to work up to this point of (almost) complete honesty? About two fucking years. It didn’t come easy; it was fucking hard. I had to force myself to be a little more honest with each girl, and each time I’d be terrified and paranoid she was going to reject me or yell at me for being “too” honest. And sure, every now and then I’d meet a girl who couldn’t handle the honesty – but 99% of girls loved how honest I was. Nothing bad happens when you’re honest – I promise.
If you’re inexperienced at being this upfront and honest, just do exactly what I did – be patient with yourself, practice being a little more upfront each time, and try telling girls about your non-monogamy a little earlier than you told the last girl. If you took until date 5 to say it with the last girl, then with the next girl you date try telling her by date 4. Then the next girl, try date 3. Then date 2, then date 1, then before you even meet.
It might take you a while. It will probably be hard as hell, especially if you’re terrified your honesty is going to be met with harsh words or disapproving looks or her telling you you’re an asshole or something. I want you to push yourself anyway, and remind yourself you’re being brave as hell when you decide to start practicing more honesty in your relationships.
Seriously, you have more balls and more integrity and more heart than 99% of other guys in relationships.
It’s funny how much time I spent in complete fear of all the bad things that could happen if I was truly honest… It turned out the only thing that happened is 99% of girls really appreciated my honesty, and gave me equal amounts of honesty back.
And that mutual-honesty is truly something wonderful – it’s what I refer to when I talk about You and Me. If you take the lead and set a foundation of honesty, you’ll find girls will naturally feel comfortable telling you things they don’t tell other guys. If you establish that trust, show them (and actively tell them) you’ll never ever judge them for anything they say, and you share lots of your own truths with them – you’ll find they become really bloody comfortable telling you things without worrying what you might think. And once that floodgate is opened, they’ll openly share all sorts of interesting things with you, because they’ve been dying to share with someone but have never had the chance.
Almost every guy they meet – and the majority of their friends – will to some degree judge them for things like having a sex drive & having sexual fantasies. If you establish trust and honesty and show you want to hear all their secrets, they won’t be able to help themselves from sharing the really good stuff with you (you know, all those kinky fantasies she’s hiding from everyone else…)
Which leads to some fucking amazing sex – sex is pretty mindblowing when you both trust each other enough to let it all out. She’ll likely share more of her sexual fantasies with you, and she’ll feel comfortable opening up to you in the bedroom – moaning loudly for you, really letting go and being filthy for you, not worrying that you’ll think she’s too wild or too dirty or too kinky. She’ll be more likely to initiate sex, more likely to tell you secret dirty fantasies she’s never told another soul, and more likely to want to help you fulfill your own fantasies.Credit: Marvin Meyer
Establishing honesty with girls you bang/date also brings the added benefit of being able to ask them things you’ve always wanted to know, and (for the most part) getting really interesting answers back (as long as you’ve established a level of honesty with each other). 75% of everything I know about girls, is because I directly asked a lot of them. I’d ask about sexual fantasies. I’d ask what it’s like being a girl. I’d ask questions to better understand the differences between men and women; I didn’t just want to understand girls, I wanted to be able to empathise with them.
I’d ask questions like, “What’s the hardest part of being a female?” (It’s, “Having to make decisions.”) I’d ask how many dates they’d been on, how many guys they’d slept with, how many guys their female friends had slept with. I’d ask about their best sexual experience and what made it good – and I’d use that information to improve my own sexual skills. I’d ask about their worst experiences too, and slowly pieced together my knowledge of what girls like and don’t like.
When it was clear we were both at a level of deep honesty with each other, I’d even ask, “What made you want to meet up with me, even though there’s thousands of other guys you could have met?” If multiple girls told me similar answers, I’d know that was a piece of information worth listening to – I got some incredibly useful feedback.
I’d ask more general questions like, “What do you want out of dating/sex?” – the answers always fascinated me. I’d ask what it’s like being spammed by 200 guys on Tinder (it’s overwhelming). I’d ask what rejection felt like for girls – it feels possibly worse than it does for us, because they’re really not used to getting rejected much. I’d ask if they liked their body (most girls don’t – even hot girls). I’d ask what they’re insecure about (most girls answer “everything”). I’d ask about how to pleasure them better, how to make them orgasm better (just cheat and use this). I felt like I was uncovering a treasure trove of information I was never going to find without actually asking girls. And the only way you’ll ever get truthful answers is by first establishing honesty.
Ask enough girls honest questions about their lives – and show active interest in them – and you’ll start to learn a hell of a lot of interesting things about what it’s like to be a woman.
You’ll learn that even though it’d be an absolute dream for us guys, girls get very overwhelmed by the fact they have basically infinite matches on Tinder. Ask some girls about it, and you’ll realise it causes them anxiety, because they have no idea how to pick just one guy amongst thousands. They’ll tell you they also feel horrible, because they know they can’t possibly reply to all the guys who message them, and they feel like a terrible person because they end up ignoring a bunch of guys. A lot of them end up just never replying to anyone, and deleting the app a few weeks later, because they can’t handle all the pressure.
Information like this is absolutely amazing for you to hear from a girl herself, because it gives you perspective on things that you were taking too personally. Using this example, when a girl stops replying to you on Tinder/Hinge, you’ll now be able to tell yourself, “Oh, maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe she just had 500 messages like I know most girls have, and she can’t handle the tidal wave of texts. I shouldn’t feel bad.”
There’s a million of these little nuggets of gold you can learn from girls if you build up your honesty with them. Another is that girls will readily tell you how hard it can be for them to make decisions, especially compared to men. They’ll tell you how damn relaxing it is when a man takes the lead and plans out the date (which is why in my Tinder Guide I tell you to have a gameplan and take the lead) – it means she can just come along for the ride and enjoy it.
Just knowing this will make you a million times better at dates, because you’ll fully internalise the idea that it’s your job to take the lead, to push things towards sex, to invite her back to your place. Too many guys wait for a sign from girls – or worse, wait for her to make the move. And they do that because they’ve never been honest enough to ask any girls, “Do you or any of your female friends ever take the lead?” (The answer to which is almost always, “No. The guy has to take the lead.”)
I’ve always found all of this stuff so fascinating – a mate and I used to meet up after every new girl I banged, and we’d “debrief”, going over all the cool stuff she told me, seeing how it compared to other answers other girls had given, and using it to try and map out and expand our understanding of women. He’d also give me lists of questions he wanted me to ask her next time I saw her, and we’d then meet up again to discuss those new answers. Those meetups with my mate, feverishly discussing everything we’d learned, are some of my fondest memories I have of my getting-laid journey.
It was like we’d hacked into the mainframe of feminity; we had a direct feed to hundreds of girls, most of whom were pretty damn open and honest with me (when I made it very clear I didn’t just want them to tell me what they thought I wanted to hear; I wanted the truth). It became a really fun game for us; an experiment where our only mission was to gather as much data as possible and learn as much about women as possible.
The best part of all was being that honest with girls taught us to empathise with them; it’s really easy to like someone you’re being 100% honest with. Before we started getting laid, the two of us had a deep resentment (probably hatred) towards women; but all those honest conversations meant we ended up loving women and becoming very empathetic, compassionate guys.Credit: Jason Leung
If learning more about women is something that’s always interested you, then being honest with them is the best way to learn. Keep practicing your honesty with them, and eventually you’ll get to a point where they discuss everything with you and tell you anything you want to know. You can write yourself a long list of all the questions you want to ask girls you date, and have fun uncovering the answers. (I’ll make it clear though – don’t take one girl’s opinion as the gospel; that’s just one person’s opinion. But ask a bunch of girls the same question and then you’ll be able to see if most girls feel the same way; if they do, it’s probably good information.)
You’ll also be able to share with them too – answering their questions and teaching them about what it’s like to be a man. Most girls aren’t used to being totally honest and open with guys they date (especially young girls), so they’ll jump at the chance to ask you as many questions as they can think of about the inner workings of manhood.
And oh, the questions – once you open that floodgate and spark their curiousity, they’ll hammer you with them. Some of the questions will make you smile, as you realise how little the average girl understands about what it’s like to be a man (to be fair, the average guy has no idea about what it’s like to be a woman).
They’ll hit you with adorably-naive questions like, “You have 300 girls you could sleep with on Tinder, right?” They assume because they have plenty of options themselves, you must have a lot of options too. You’ll blow their mind if you show them what your Tinder is actually like and how few matches you have, and explain to them just how difficult it is for a man to get laid. Especially if you then go on to explain how many guys go months/years without getting laid, even while trying their hardest. You’ll find girls will walk away from that conversation with a much stronger empathy for men.
People are solipsistic – especially girls. They often assume their version of reality and the way they see the world must be the way everybody sees the world, including men. They assume, “It’s hard being a girl, but I bet it’s so easy being a guy because they get to do whatever they want and nobody has expectations of how they ‘should’ behave. ” (Yes, I’ve had countless girls tell me this before I teach them about what it’s like being a man, and all the pressures/expectations that are put on us). By sharing your version of reality – and asking her about hers – you’ll both be bridging the gap between men and women.
You can go further and teach them about important concepts like self-improvement & self-awareness/self-knowledge; concepts the average woman probably hasn’t ever considered. And if you share with her your own self-improvement goals, you might find she naturally wants to join you and start improving herself too. You’ll be the inspiration for positive change in her life, just by leading by example.
You might find your honesty with her has a cascade effect, and she starts being more honest with other people in her life – her friends, her family, her workmates. You’ll likely find the same; the more you practice honesty with girls, the easier it’ll be to be honest with friends, workmates, your boss, your family, strangers on the street. Both of your lives will be made better.
You have a chance to improve the lives of girls you date, just by being honest and open with them. Not to mention, your own life will be made immeasurably better too. Honesty is wealth-creation.
And I’ll say it one last time: It’s totally ok if you’re not great at honesty right now. Honesty is an ideal you work towards; you’ll get there eventually.
Now go out there and practice your honesty.