The elephant in the room

I rarely solicit guest posts but sometimes I just want the free content come across a concept too good to ignore. Daygame.com’s executive instructor Tom Torero has been exploring such a concept which we put to good use on our recent FSU tour. He’ll need no introduction to most of my readers, being widely considered one of Europe’s top daygamers and of course the author of the second best daygame book on the market. Tom, the floor is yours……

Elephant in the room: a metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth that is either being ignored or going unaddressed. The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss.

Smoke-and-mirrors, a masterful illusion, distraction and persuasion. Traditional Game involves getting a girl to comply to sex through the use of tools and techniques that sweep logic and reality under the carpet. It’s no coincidence that the most notorious early pick up artists were magicians and persuasion practitioners. Artificially raise your value, cunningly lower hers, and let the reversal chase begin.

A massively underrated and underused concept in the seduction community is something I teach students called the “Elephant In The Room” (although I dissuade you, of course, from picking up elephants) where this traditional trickery is replaced with stone cold masculine honesty. Showing a girl how socially intelligent you are, and also how vulnerable you are, is massively attractive. More attractive than the perfect line or the whitest teeth. Honesty is the ultimate frame in that you’re saying: “I know that you know that I know what’s going on. I’m direct with my intentions and I don’t play games.”

The concept is especially applicable during the day, as there’s no flashing lights, pumping music or alcohol to help mask from the girl from what’s really going on. Stopping a girl on the street in the cold light of day encourages a student to refine his social intelligence and replace distraction with directness as there’s nowhere to hide. Women have hyper sensitive radars when it comes to bullshit, and without the shiny la-la-land vibe of a club then they’re even more clued up as to what’s going on. If she thinks you’re a pick-up artist on the street, then you’re dead.

So what are some practical examples of this concept in action? First off, a golden rule that I teach students is to “say what you see.” This is much harder than it sounds in that you need to be fully relaxed and present to do this effectively, without the chattering monkey inside your head throwing PUA bananas at you.

Saying what you see and calling out awkwardness immediately diffuses whatever tricky situation you might come across, as it shows the girl you’re socially savvy and smart enough to understand the intricacies and nuances of human behaviour.

Let’s say you see a girl on her smoke break standing outside an office building. A beginner daygamer might charge up to her in approach machine mode and spurt out his usual lines about just seeing her and thinking she looked nice, then plough through her resistance with his usual structure and get frustrated when she stubs out her cigarette and nips back into work. Someone who understands the Elephant In The Room principle, however, would approach the girl with more of a twinkle in his eyes, a cocky smile and the following:

âHey, I know youâre on your sacred smoke break and Iâm taking away precious seconds, but I just saw you and think you look niceâ

Heâd then rapidly judge how she responded and tailor his conversation accordingly. Perhaps heâd call out how unusual it was for someone to come up to her, or the fact that all the other guys must think of doing it but theyâre not brave enough. The same applies if you see a girl at a bus stop (call out the fact that her bus is coming) or inside a store (call out the fact that itâs unusual why youâre in a womenâs clothing store). If you didnât call out the awkwardness of the situation then sheâd be thinking it, and wondering why you didnât have the social saviness to spot it.

Hereâs some other examples of calling out the Elephant In The Room when youâre out doing daygame:

• Sheâs doing a particular activity, and you use that as a situational indirect-direct opener
• You run out of things to say, and you call it out: âIâm sorry, my mindâs just gone blank, help me out a bit!â
• You feel heavy approach anxiety, and you call it out: âI donât normally do this, and Iâm pretty nervous right nowâ¦.â
• She keeps glancing down at her phone and you mention it playfully
• She slowly edges away as youâre talking and you mention it playfully
• The interactionâs going well but you suspect that she has a boyfriend based on her investment levels, so you call it out non-reactively

Notice how the Elephant In The Room principle needs to come from a place of flirtation, not one of cold logic. Youâre showing her that you are fluent in the secret language of seduction, not that youâre a people-watching sociologist.

Krauser and I recently spent a couple of weeks in Russia where we realised that the Elephant In The Room principle could be used to great effect. Slavic women are excellent for testing your masculinity in that they have zero-tolerance for bullshit and expect you to be crystal clear with your intentions. We made sure they new exactly what we wanted through calling out the following:

• the fact that this was a male-female interaction where we were attracted to them and wanted to date them, not give them free conversational English classes
• what their relationship status was, and whether they liked British guys
• if they had enough free time to come on a date with us in our time schedule

Now Iâm not suggesting that you replace all unspoken, sexy emotional subtext with cold logic, but in countries where the women test your polarity every few seconds then thereâs less time for flowery language and vague flirtation. The same would apply in the UK or the USA if a girl is exhibiting Princess Behaviour and keeps trying to snatch the frame.

The Elephant In The Room applies to texting and to dating, right up until youâre getting it on. Here are some more examples:

• she keeps flaking on date requests, so you text her: âI didnât have you down as a flakerâ¦my secretary is not happy ;-)â
• she texts that sheâs going to be late, so you text her: âOk, but you buy the first drinks as punishmentâ
• you spill the wine whilst trying to pour it elegantly and call it out
• she keeps taking long phone calls whilst on the date, and you call it out
• youâre both a bit nervous on the date, and you call it out
• you realise youâve got food stuck between your teeth, so you call it out
• you spot that sheâs hesitant to come back to yours, so you call it out: âI know youâre wondering if Iâm a murderer, and I understand that this is all a bit fast, but come for one drink and Iâll have you home in a cab by 12â

Humility and honesty go a long way to cracking the code of last minute resistance in the bedroom. If a girl thinks itâs all too planned or too slick, then the barriers come up. If you call out that itâs âso fastâ and that itâs âso randomâ how you met then she admires your social intelligence. Tell her youâre nervous if youâre nervous, show her youâre human.

An exception to the Elephant In The Room principle is breaking sexual tension. If youâre sitting in the cocktail bar, looking deeply into each otherâs eyes, and thereâs the crackle of sex in the air, then thereâs no reason to call out the Elephant and say: âI want to kiss you now then take you home and have sex.â That would be a sign of a complete lack of understanding when it comes to seduction. Rather than these situations and silences being elephants, I call them the panthers in the room. Dark, smouldering, powerful and sexy. And completely necessary.

Krauser used an extreme example of the Elephant In The Room on one of his recent dates, although this is not for the faint hearted or to be used by beginners:

K: You are fascinated by me. You find me attractive and very interesting, like no man youâve met before. Youâve realised that we are not compatible in the long term but you are curious how it would be to have sex with me. So right now you are trying to decide whether to come home with me and have sex, or to go home and sleep.

Her: Yes, thatâs about right.

Call it out. Neutralise the awkwardness by commenting on it. Whether itâs a pigeon shitting on your head mid set or the fact that sheâs too tall for you, say what you see and point out the elephant. Fingers crossed it will morph into a panther. Now that’s magic.

Tom’s book is available to buy from: Lulu

* Before you all ask, yes that was a legit street kiss close. Took about five minutes from the open. While observing I saw him do the eyes, the proximity and overheard him mutter something about “doing something crazy” so I knew to get the phone camera ready.