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How To Talk To Girls (And Get Them Attracted To You)

April 23, 2019

How To Talk To Girls (And Get Them Attracted To You)

This is an embarrassing story…

Once, I was eating lunch in college when a cute girl sat next to me. I wanted to talk to her, but I had no idea what to say. So, I looked up “pick up lines” on my phone.

I found a line that I thought was clever, “Is it hot in here, or is that just the holy spirit burning inside of you?”

I hesitated for a good fifteen minutes before I finally told myself, “Fuck it, I can’t keep being a total bitch, I have to try.”

So, I walked up to this girl and said my extremely corny pickup line. She laughed (at me). But we kept talking for a few minutes, and before she left, she asked me for my number.

There was nothing special about the pickup line I used. In fact, it was pretty bad.

But that didn’t matter because learning how to talk to girls isn’t about knowing the right thing to say. It’s about something else, something less obvious.

If you want to have conversations with women that spark attraction, the secret to success is setting the right frame.

A ‘frame’ is the implicit dynamic between two (or more) people. To clarify, here are a few examples of frames your interactions can have:
“I want to be your friend.”

“I want you to like me, and if you don’t, I’ll be dissapointed.”

“If we were left in a room together, we’d rip each other’s clothes off.”

“You have higher status than me and I don’t want to do anything that might upset you.”

A frame can be seen as the respective roles you and another person are playing: the dynamic between a manager and their employee is different from that of a father and his son which is different from the dynamic between a therapist and his patient.

The way you talk to a girl will set a frame for the interaction: are you a potential lover, a friend, or an enemy?

Men often set a frame in their interactions with women that has no chance of leading to a date or a relationship.

If the underlying frame of your conversation with a girl is platonic, there is absolutely no reason for her to want to go on a date with you or hook up with you(1).

So, how do you know whether you’re framing your interactions with women as friendly or sexual?

Go out to a bar, club, college campus, or shopping mall and try to approach a woman with a direct complement.

Say something to the effect of, “Hey, I thought you were cute and I had to say hi.”

If saying that is difficult for you – if you hesitate, make excuses, or experience anxiety – that indicates you are probably framing your interactions with women as platonic rather than sexual.


Because most men are so uncomfortable with the idea of being sexually rejected by women that they have spent their entire lives only interacting with women on a platonic level (except when a girl makes it very clear that she is interested in him).

So, the resistance we feel for telling a woman we find her attractive is a reflection of our discomfort with making our interactions sexual – we believe being sexual would only lead to rejection.

Because of this, most men’s interactions with girls lack any sexual charge. And without that charge, a woman will almost always reject a man when he asks her on a date or he leans in for the kiss.

(To be fair, a lot of women will agree to give you their number, but if those numbers usually turn into flakes, it’s a sign that the frame of the interaction wasn’t sexual.)


How To Talk To Girls (And Get Them Attracted To You) Part 2

The Sexual Frame

When the frame of an interaction is sexual, it is implied that if you and the girl were to be alone in a room together, you would hook up.

The simplest way to assert a sexual frame is to approach women with a direct compliment. When you tell a girl she’s cute, she may reject you, but if she accepts the compliment and continues the conversation, the assumption is that you and her are flirting.

This is useful because now everything in the interaction is happening through a sexual lens, and this will also make it easier for you to be sexual, (whether that be by holding strong eye contact, being physical, or leaning in to kiss her) because those actions are appropriate to the frame of the interaction.

If you’ve been treating a girl like a friend, you know that it would be weird to lean in to kiss her, and therefore, you probably won’t want to take any sexual risks (because it would be jarring and likely to end in rejection).

To be clear, approaching women with a direct compliment is a crutch for setting a sexual frame. With enough confidence, you can make the frame of an interaction sexual without using your words at all.

In fact, the most powerful way to make an interaction sexual has little do with what you say, and a lot to do with your nonverbal communication, and this allows you to set what I call ‘the high status frame.’

In my next article, you’ll learn how to make an interaction sexual without having to say a word. And even better, doing this will cause women to start chasing after you: now they are the pursuer and you are the pursued.

Fill out the form below to subscribe to my email list to make sure you don’t miss part 2 of this series (you will also receive a free eBook).

(1: The only exception is if a particular girl just so happens to see you as her exact ‘type’, but 9 times out of 10, when you treat a girl like a friend she will see you as nothing more than a friend.)

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