The best parenting strategy no one will tell you about

I see a lot of power dads online, telling other men how to raise their kids

“I would raise my kids this way, if I had them, but I’m certain it would work!”

“I have been a dad for 3 months now! With my worldly wisdom I’ll explain to the peasants how to raise warrior poets!“

“My goal is to raise my kid in the way I had wished my dad raised me. I don’t think he could handle what I handled and be as good as I am“

I’m not a power dad (not yet) but I am good at smelling bullshit. Someone needs a change.

And while I have not had the pleasure of joining the group of men with proof of sex and unresolved childhood malaise, I have had the pleasure of being raised by one. I grew up with a strong sense of self, the ability to weather petty emotional drama and a good eye for the kind of men who would be a perfect match for seeing who is in the trench on the other side of this mud pit, French of Prussian and not much else. Suspense over, time for

The Power Dad Rules

Wishing I was where I was when I was wishing I was here

Your dad raised you best he could. He either paid too much attention to you and now you’re scrambling to find your own identity, or he paid too little and you’re now pissed off that your lifetime hug count is so low. Either way, first rule is to treat your child as a mulligan.

Contrary to popular belief, children are not people. Children are more of an extension of your ego. See, half your genetic information is in this other person who has thoughts and feelings and incentives and is still developing (aren’t we all?) so the healthiest approach is to ignore their sense of self in order to tinker with your dads program. Don’t we all love competition with the old man? Now you have to work quick, as by the time your son gets to be the age of wishing you were where you were when you were wishing you were here your dad will have already passed away and you don’t get those precious few years to rub it in his face.

The best bonds are lifelong, meaningless competition bonds, just ask the Count of Monte Christo

You are the greatest. No one can match you

See, while your dad raised you as best he could, it clearly wasn’t good enough. Luckily, you were the greatest man in the world (if only everyone else could just see it, right?) so you managed to make yourself into the success story that you are today. Unfortunately, you are pretty sure your son doesn’t have the grit, determination, the I don’t know que that you had, so above all else:

Don’t raise your son the way you were raised or it will fuck him up, bigtime.

If your dad made you work summer jobs, don’t do it to him. If your dad didn’t make you work summer jobs, make sure he’s digging ditches by 15. And whatever you do, ensure you tell him at every opportunity the lessons you learned through any hardships you’re deflecting from his life. If a childhood raised by 80s family sitcoms taught me anything (and it most certainly did) it’s that a 30 second PSA at the end of the day outweighs any amount of experience he could have got.

The alternative is you have to let go of control, let him life like an individual, and guide him towards dealing with his mistakes. This is too uncertain, just play baseball instead. In between walking him every at bat, you can tell him the story of how you used to get on base through getting in front of the pitch and taking it in the hip, like men used to.

What you’re doing is the best thing you could be doing

If you learned anything over your life, it’s that self reflection is time better spent on the search for novelty and certainty. If you just discovered a secret parenting strategy yesterday, it’s now THE parenting strategy of today. Tomorrow anyone with any sense will be doing it, and everyone else will raise loser kids. You’re not a loser, are you?

Didn’t think so

The process is pretty foolproof. Try something, brag that you did it on social media, and have other power dads add pixels hearts to your assertions. Anyone who disagrees is easily dispatched. Ask them how many kids they have. If it’s any less than yours or the kid is any younger than yours I offer you the get out of putting up with their bullshit for free card. Just say:

“You’ll understand when you get to [insert your kids age here]”

Now if someone has more kids or experience don’t worry. They are usually too busy raising their kids or laughing at your post to care. Let them laugh, they don’t need to know the secret tricks and tips, they are too old to use them anyways.

Alpha Male, without the harems

The best part about being a power dad is that, for the first time, someone worships you. Someone actually wants you, needs you, likes you, loves you. They do all this and have no transactional aspect to it, its’s 100% validational love. It’s the same kind of love your wife swore she had for you, until she got pregnant, but you know:

“All couples have less sex as they get older, especially as they have children”

“Maybe if you did more dishes I could be more relaxed and we could have sex more“

“I love you but I’m not in love with you“

I know those sound bad. They sound like the life of quiet desperation that is begging for escapism. They sound like someone who doesn’t know what someone wanting him for the man he is inside. And for those men I say don’t worry, the power dad is coming to save you. You only have to endure years of a forced celibacy while your soon-to-be wife figures out that all these men aren’t the prize, the one she can give herself to fully, the one she can have a more meaningful relationship with. All they do is fuck and piss her off. You only have to endure a courtship where you are constantly jumping through hoops; buying a nicer house, buying a fancier ring, paying for her to stay home, accepting that monthly sex.

Luckily, for a brief period, you both decide to start a family. She will desire you like you’ve always wanted. Once she gets pregnant she will pass the All-Spark onto your new baby boy, and after going back into the life of quiet desperation, he will look up and say his first words:

“I love you dad, are you superman?”

And you’ll realize it’s all worth it. Now get back to work, your dad can’t prove himself wrong, can he?