Married, two kids: I'm a newbie to these forums. I have been lifting and reading. Let me tell you I have much to learn. One aspect I improved in my life has been a IJDGF attitude towards most things. I do believe I need to stop giving even less shits about hurting peoples feelings and just do what I want 4 me. Before marriage that was me.
Anyways to the point. Last couple years had been rough. Police involved in bullshit cyber-crime issue that lasted over a year and a half, add that my wife's family was having two divorces and her father was dying slowly over this time. So naturally we ended up having some fights and a power struggle about feelings. She wanted me to show MORE emotion about the events that were happening in our lives. She managed to pull me in one day to our bedroom and said it was ok to me "vulnerable". One time, this one time I let my feelz be heard and it was bad. I felt like shit and she looked confused and bewildered during the process! Afterwards a few days later
I spoke to her about it honestly. I told her crying made me feel worse, and I told her it really didn't make her feel any better at the time...... I could tell. When I asked her how she felt I was surprised by her honest answer of "Well honestly dear, I don't like to see men cry and it bothers me more than I'd like to admit and even though I asked you to be that way it made me not like you after". I had let her pull me into her frame, let her convince me that it was fine to show feelings, but in the end we both understood it was somehow wrong. Men are suppose to be that underground bunker during shit storm tornadoes like we were going through. At that point I was a tent being flung about. Never again, fuck that shit! I can let her feel, and i'll just let her cry on my shoulders from now on!
That was middle of last year, sex was diminishing,fighting was increasing. We talked less and honest speech was far and between, and then it got worse. She started to see a councilor and I was beginning to see that this was going wrong in many directions. Even worse I tore my meniscus so I stopped going to martial arts class a few times a week. Fuck my life! It all came to a head during Christmas. Her dad had passed on, our "police" issue went poof (since they fucked up not me) and things should have been moving ahead. Dead wrong, it was decided the entire family was to meet for a white Christmas at the newly built family cabin at our vacation acreage. We did this to "honor" her father since that was always his dream and why the cabin had been built. I knew weeks in advance this would be an emotional cluster fuck of a holiday. We were stuck in a cabin, snow 2 feet high with all members drinking and I was trying my best to be stoic and let her flush her feelings out. The holy shit, fuk this shit moment came on the first day when me and my mother in law, wife and kids arrived a day early. I was "whipping boy" all fuken day. Do this, move this. Ready this. I could do not right. Next day even worse as everyone else had arrived and things got busy. My time was spent walking on egg shells or being bored and slamming Bushmills down my throat. There were laughs and cry's for the other family members you could feel the tension. It was then wifey and I were asked to grab a couple extra mattresses out of the 5th wheel to put in the cabin, sure why not. We walked over outside and as we gathered the mattresses she just started balling her eyes out about her sister (recently split with husband) being able just go & do 3k jogging each day. I forget exactly when I said, but it was along lines of "Well dear you work hard 2 to 3 times a week with boot camp, I'm proud of you for that". She fucking snapped To this day I remember I pulled back in reversion. That moment is why i am here. I just went back, ate a hash brownie my sister in law gave me (which I never do), enjoyed a trip and when I felt real high left. I took a 2 hour long alone in the snow walk-a-bout to the lake down the road. I liked it. That point on I just didn't give a fuck. Drank ate and had a good time. Xmas day kids opened presents, watched a few movies, we all played cards against and then we left after 4 days. Off back home.
When we got back, things were cold. Thanks to Reddit I found redpill and from there marriedredpill and here are the things I've done.
I spoke to her about the counseling. I was honest and non emotional and stated that the more she went, the more unhappy she was becoming. She said that her counselor was just dredging up the past as a "reason" why she was like she was. Convinced her to stop going, and instead I got her reading more books on self improvement rather than a stranger telling her how to think. With the books, she at least will talk to me about them and we can hash out what works and does not as adults.
Decided I can still swim, lift and wear a knee brace in class. I've going to lose that 15 pounds I gained last year. I feel better look better.
Refocused like years past on how IJDGF. This means I started to stop fighting and letting her draw me into frame. I became more honest about what I wanted. Sure she would turn me down for sex or shit test me, and I've failed a lot of times, but more now I just tend to let the feels run off my back like water on a duck. No butt hurt. Just OK dear and go spend my time doing something I like. If I do lose frame i have a talk with myself and learn what to do better. I am making changes SLOWLY. Maybe I can even be slower since she keeps saying that I'm bee different lately and acting weird. I just laugh and joke around with her.
Just do my work at home. Just romance her for shits and giggles randomly. I'm working on the humor and pushing her buttons aspect.
So finally to the topic, sorry for the novel. Valentines day weekend. I have been tracking her cycle and she was ovulating V-day. We ended up doing to three times that weekend, Fri,Sat & Sunday morning. Normally it's a 1 time a week thing. Wednesday comes I send her a cute hump day camel pic on Tuesday, tell her I've taken the day off to clean the gutters on the house and rental and do yard work. She arrives home late from boot camp and we go have lunch. When we come back I make moves to get some action and i'm shot down. She asks what my problem is, saying wasn't three times on the weekend enough? I told her it's not the amount of times, it's when the mood hits and the time is right, like the middle of the day two of us alone and no kids and no one hurrying to get to work. She was miffed and angry I wanted to sex her up. She told me I looked hurt. I told her I was not hurt, but that as an adult I could feel disappointed without being butt hurt. The next night chilling with a beer and a glass of wine watching crap tv she said :
"About yesterday, I'm not sure whats wrong. Maybe its in my head or just about us. You just do what you want to do. I can't control you. You don't care about authority, or what your friends do. You just do what you want without asking. I'll ask if I can go out, even if I always know the answer is yes. You, you just tell me what your going to do and then it happens. Yesterday you just thought we were going to have sex and so I decided we weren't. I think the reason we don't have sex as much is because I feel it's the only thing I can control." I just looked at her, with a cute smile, said nothing, didn't agree or disagree. Didn't try to fix anything or her. Lightly poked her and she smiled back. Felt good, or rather better. Felt like freedom. Do I need fix her shit? No! Can she change or fix me? No! Wow.
There you have it. Not sure if this is good or bad. i say kinda good because she was being honest and saying that I'm just me, and she understands that. Bad is she feels sex is a way to control me in our relationship. And I didn't give a shit when she said that. Did not say that was good or bad or get hurty feelz. After the Christmas bullshit I've started to just be myself and focus on my happiness and from there letting it make everyone in my life like the family (two kids and wife) happier.
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|Title||Wife Uses Sex to Gain Control: Part I|
|Date||May 18, 2020 8:05 PM UTC (1 year ago)|
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