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4 Top Secret Ways to Access Your High Value Vulnerability

Renee Wade
June 16, 2017

Article updated 2020

ââYou donât bleed. Thatâs why you canât keep a guy.ââ Erol said to his long time friend, Jacinta, whilst twisting his foot into the ground to kill his cigarette butt.

Theyâve been friends forever and always love to chat about their relationshipsâ¦

âI…what? I donât bleed?â

âYeah, you donât bleed. You need to bleed in order for him to have feelings for you. Iâm exaggerating, but Iâm kind of not, too.â

âWhat the hell are you talking about?â

Erol chuckled. âLook, I donât actually mean bleed, that is a metaphor to say, hey, you should make it obvious how you feel. By actually letting him see how you feel. I donât mean you need to suffer…what Iâm actually saying is that unless you show how you feel loudly and clearly, a guy wonât understand it, and he wonâtâ¦.bond to you. At least thatâs just what Iâve noticed.â

âOh. I get what youâre saying…youâre saying donât pretend everything is okay…but I tried expressing my feelings and being you know, vulnerable, cause everyone has been saying I act like I donât need a guy and itâs been annoying the heck out of me…so I just told Jake that I wanted to share a future with him, and he shut the whole conversation down and ignored me. And you are telling me that I donât bleed? I felt like I was bleeding at the time!â

âYeah, I understand you felt that way, but itâs not clear enough I think. Thatâs just what I think, I could be wrong.â Erol shrugged his big shoulders and looked down at the ground.

âBut I did bleed, I finally told him that I saw a future with him, and that I want to share my future with him.â

âNo, Iâm talking about your feelings. Trust me, Iâm a dude. Thatâs not bleeding! You have to bleed.â Erol chuckled warmly. âSee with my girl, Francine, I know I canât take my mind off her because she needs me.â

âUgh. Iâm giving up on men. And by the way, I DID bleed. I bled inside; I just told you, that I told him I saw a future with him, which feels really scary to me.â

âYeah, I know. But thatâs just you starting a conversation. Thatâs just talk.â

âConversation!? I felt scared as hell to say that to him! And he didnât even respect what I said!

âHow was he supposed to know that you were scared? You didnât say you were scared!â

Erol continued, âWhy canât women just make this stuff a bit more obvious? It frustrates me. Women are so wishy washy and indirect. If you feel scared, say it⦠let us know. Weâre not mind readers. Most of us guys are pretty thick and we need to see it clearly or hear it loudly. We donât understand this indirect BS.â

âHow can I be more direct? If I was direct then I might break down crying.â

âSo what if you do?â

âWell donât guys hate emotionally unstable women?â

âNo. Itâs not that guys donât like women expressing their feelings. Guys donât like surface crying that is more just used as manipulation and blame. If you were to cry as if youâre bleeding, then they will respond, if they love her.”

Jacinta looked confused and didnât know whether to laugh or cry at that.

She was used to her quirky friend being funny, but this caught her off guard.
This reality has hit her hard and itâs completely not what sheâs used to.

The subject of vulnerability is getting more attention these days; Iâm sure youâve noticed…

Itâs all about vulnerability; because many of us have started thinking about it in this world where people are not prioritising relationships enough, they are overworked, and so well connected on the interwebs but under-connected in person.

Many of us are thinking and realising we might be too numb, too un-vulnerable, too rough around the edges, or whatever else we think we are.

Itâs hard to blame anyone for being that way, as once youâve been hurt enough, itâs kind of a relief to shut down and tune out.

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

Even though thereâs nothing âwrongâ with having rough-around-the edges moments, thereâs something to admire about a totally real, un-brushed woman who is being raw (and men, too – men are beautiful when they are being themselves – whatever it looks like). So, we all want to know how to access that dormant part of ourselves.

And letâs be honest, often, our vulnerability has to remain dormant – because itâs inappropriate for certain situations, and not everyone deserves to see our vulnerability!

Itâs all about being vulnerable. Iâm pretty sure I was one of the first to begin talking about vulnerability (which is of course not true, but I like to think that anyway), and at The Feminine Woman, we define it as âHigh Value Vulnerabilityâ.

If you want to learn more about High Value Vulnerability, it is one of the core concepts of our Commitment Control 2 Program.

Because itâs one thing to feel vulnerable inside, and itâs another to be high value vulnerable. And the difference between vulnerable and high value vulnerable is that you could feel vulnerable deep inside yourself and in the moment (you could feel like you risked something by saying or doing a particular thing), but you may not come across as vulnerable or be perceived as vulnerable to your man, or to another person.

So to explain…you could feel vulnerable, shaky, or out of sorts emotionally, but you are not really accessing your vulnerability in itâs raw form. This could be because you developed coping mechanisms to cover it up, or because itâs just far too painful to go deep into who you really are.

Iâll say that again. You could feel vulnerable inside, but not appear vulnerable because itâs far too painful to go deep into who you really are. Today Iâm going to give you ways in which you can begin to do that.

And, hey, maybe you donât want anyone to see you as who you really are, because, well, f**k everybody, right? All those humans who hurt you in the past can go lick mouse balls.

So whilst itâs highly valuable for your personal growth to feel vulnerable inside…itâs another to feel in a totally vulnerable way, to also communicate vulnerably, to connect with another vulnerably, and itâs another to relate to another human being, or to a man through vulnerable emotion.

And it is this vulnerable communication that will also help men fall in love with you and lead you towards a committed relationship; a deeper relationship.

Here are 4 ways to do it:

1: Access your primary emotion (the first emotion you have in response to a situation. I like to teach that your primary emotion is the deepest, core emotion behind all the superficial thoughts or feelings you have). In order to access your vulnerability, you need to access your primary emotion, which is harder than just ‘talking’ about your emotions. Learn more about primary emotions here. As soon as youâve gone into freeze mode or even just thought something in your mind before responding, it is already too late to show primary emotion.

Primary emotion is instinctive and itâs vulnerable and it often feels inappropriate to show it. For example, a friendâs little girl runs up to you and says: âWow! Your tummy so big! When you gonna have baby?â and depending on who you are, how much time you spend feeling on a daily basis, and how you feel on that day, your primary emotion could be to burst out into tears of hurt and pain.

Well, maybe thatâs just me. But the best thing about primary emotion is that if youâre at least mildly used to feeling primary emotion as it comes, and if youâre engaged with life, then after a short amount of time, it is over. Done. You generally donât seethe over it; because most of your hurt and pain is felt.

But the problem is…itâs not okay to burst out crying in âprimary emotionâ, because you are supposed to be a âthinking adultâ and you should really know not to take a kid seriously. But that ‘not taking a kid seriously’ thing is an afterthought – it is not the primary emotion.

I suggest that in this situation, itâs okay to let yourself feel a little bit. Itâs okay to have tears in your eyes. I know there are rules about how you should be; but there are also huge costs to adhering to what you should be, and that is numbness. Once you âdoâ numbness enough, you end up dead inside, and eventually, you can risk becoming one of those boring people.

Not only do you end up boring, you end up with a ridiculous amount of past hurts, anger and pain that youâll need to catch up with feeling through later on.

Another example of how to access primary emotion is to notice when you feel like blaming someone. Blame is toxic. When we blame someone, often we’re ‘skipping’ the primary emotion and going instead to blame to avoid our pain, and to avoid taking responsibility.

So for your own sake, before you go to blame someone – you need to stop and ask yourself what it is that you are truly avoiding feeling – is your primary emotion just fear? Scared? Are you afraid of feeling like a failure (which of course you are not, but sometimes we still feel like we are a failure due to the rules that other people push on to us).

Sometimes we blame others so as to avoid feeling out of control. Blame is the opposite of vulnerability, and it almost always drains from you and your relationship (unless you do it jokingly and that’s understood as okay inside of your relationship as a way to get anger out, but that’s a whole other conversation).

See my article on Does Fear of Abandonment Make You More Beautiful?

2: Verbalise the deepest, scariest thing about this particular moment. For example, letâs say on a particular day, you feel bored, envious and angry and notice yourself putting others down too much. Verbalise the deepest feeling you can (the feeling you are too scared to admit that you have). Here are some examples, so you can start to access deeper emotions:

âI canât stand to be me right now.â
âIt hurts to be alive.â
âThis hurts too much.â
âI donât enjoy being like this. I feel lonely and terrified inside.â

My hope is that youâll get a chance to peel back the layers, and get down to exposing your truest, most surrendered emotion(s). Why? Not because Iâm sadistic. But because, this will be a huge, orgasmic emotional release for you, and it will feel GOOD some time after youâve done it. And it will feel good because you can finally be free (until the next lot of pent up emotions).

3: Open your arms to the side as wide as you can, and open your chest out to the world. Obviously you donât want to do this in the streets out in public. Do it at home. And when you feel the right moment, you can consider doing it in front of someone that you trust.

You can try this in your backyard at night, or you can try this with the cold water coming out of the shower. (Cold showers help you practice being okay with being vulnerable. However, I am not a medical expert or a doctor. Please research cold water therapy for yourself before trying it – it can shock your body especially if you have not had much practice.)

Hold your arms out to the sides, and your chest pushed out for as long as you can, until you canât deal with it anymore and end up crossing your arms, holding yourself tightly, or end up in the fetal position (crying is okay too).

It is a practice of surrender. This is surrender instead of the “push” and the resistance which often surfaces as defensiveness and trying to be combative or dominate. It is surrender instead of resistance. It is softness and femininity instead of defensiveness.

When you do this, try to notice the flow of feeling. Enjoy being yourself, getting to know yourself, and remembering all the hurts that youâve pushed down in the past (so that you become unlocked, soft and ready to spontaneously experience more joy, ecstasy, hurt or happiness in the future).

When you have become unlocked, you become able to show high value vulnerability in front of a man more. He will feel more of your softness, more of your deliciousness and more of your aliveness. It will potentially inspire him (and maybe even women), in a way you never thought possible.

This is how men become inspired to enter committed relationships – it is through a womanâs softness of surrender and trust. Trust for whom? Trust for the process of life, and eventually, trust for him.

By the way, I’ve written an article here on the 10 Ultimate Signs of A Healthy relationship to help you discern the quality of the relationship you are in, and whether it is truly healthy or not.

4: Turn retaliation and self defense into total submission. I donât necessarily mean submitting to a man (thought that could be part of it). I mean submission to the flow of life, and submission to the flow of your own emotion. Your own emotions are here to guide you and show you who you are. Some people are sure that emotions and feeling emotions make that person âlessâ, or weak.

Yet – How strong do you think it is to not know who you are? How strong are you if you canât feel in real time? We become weakened when we block emotion out as a way to retaliate. Itâs okay to feel…itâs okay to feel the resistance to yourself feelingâ¦.just keep accepting the moment and accessing the emotion.

You can try this first by saying âI hate thisâ¦.this is awfulâ¦.I donât want to feel how alive I am! I donât want to feel how painful this is! Who will be there to catch me?â When we verbalise our resistance instead of retaliate, that is a beautiful, admirable thing because it is the beginnings of a healthy relationship with our High Value Vulnerability.

This might sound like a dangerous thing to suggest. It might sound like dangerous advice. But think about it. Whatâs the only real way to be free? Whatâs the only real way to stop being low value (ie: wanting to take value from the world?) It is to feel the vulnerability we avoid feeling. We become low value when we want to take from the world, and not give back. We want to take from the world and be stingy when we resist what is happening. We resist, so we become un-calibrated and value-taking.

I hope you enjoyed this article as much as I enjoyed writing it for you.

Take a look at our Commitment Control 2 Program where we will delve deeply into High Value Vulnerability.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

renee wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is hereâ¦Â Join the âHigh Value Feminine Womenâ Community using this link

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Title 4 Top Secret Ways to Access Your High Value Vulnerability
Author Renee Wade
Date June 16, 2017 3:33 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Blog The Feminine Woman
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