Article updated 2018

There’s a tendency among many women to just be nice. These are the kinds of women whom we call pleasers. Boring.

Pleasers are the kinds of women who are so afraid of losing love, so afraid of being judged, so afraid of being talked about behind their back (by the way, this is always going to happen – to everybody). So afraid of being alone, that they will do anything to please. Anything to be in everybody’s good books.

There’s an old saying: “you can’t please everyone”. This is true but also misses the point. Don’t please anybody. That’s not the point. Pleasing gets you nowhere because pleasing is about You.

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Guess what? Ironically, it’s the most quiet, the most kind, the ‘pleasers’ who end up hurting people. Because they’re so afraid of losing love that their main focus is on getting that love and acceptance. These people go behind people’s backs to satisfy that itching fear of loss. (read this article about fear of being alone)

Sadly, we became pleasers at a young age. Sitting at our school desk, being told to ‘si’down!’ ‘shuddup!’ ‘do your homework!’ ‘don’t disturb others!’ ‘how dare you talk back to me!’. And if you grew up in China, it’s a whole lot worse.

Do you know what happens to boring women? they end up feeling lonely because they’ve obstructed their own growth by being safe. And life always eliminates you if you don’t grow. We used to be lucky to live to 30 – we barely existed for anything other than procreation. Now? We’re flying people to the moon and back. We talk on cell phones. We are here to grow. In order to grow, you will end up upsetting some people. If you were to always try to make everyone happy with you, you will be miserable and alone. Oh, and boring.

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The problem with not being boring is that you risk something else. Something that might be a whole lot scarier than just not getting the approval of other people. You risk challenging others. You risk creating a fuss. You risk being talked about. A lot. You risk people calling you crazy. Yes, for most average people, if somebody comes along and doesn’t seem to be normal, who is a little different; they’ll label you crazy just to feed their own certainty and significance.

Here’s the irony: we’ve been taught to pull ourselves in line so human beings can have certainty; so that we can apparently have a better quality of life and be more agreeable. However, a bit of crazy is necessary for a woman to be alive. That is ultimately the biggest cost to you as a woman when you go into a pleasing mode and become boring – you lose that sense of aliveness and that femininity that is so charming and such a gift to everyone you come across. You become dead inside.

We’ve been conditioned to not be leaders and to listen to ‘authority’. Well, now, anybody can be an authority if they have the courage and hunger for it. The world is changing. Crazy isn’t such a bad thing if you’re coming from a good place, if you truly care about people. The world needs women who aren’t pleasers. Surprisingly, trying to please others all the time rarely contributes something positive to their life in the long-run. To be a good friend, a good lover, you can’t let fear rule over you.

Yes, you may feel lonely for a little while and lose some loose friends, but soon enough you’ll attract the kinds of friends who challenge you, cherish you and love you for being authentic. As well as men who deserve you.

One more thing: men don’t like women who are pleasers. At least not the kind of men you would truly respect anyway. Guess what kinds of men pleaser women attract? Men who like to take. Men who disrespect you.

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What is your opinion on this? Do you think that often, women try to please too much?


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