~ archived since 2018 ~

He Says He Misses You but Does He Really?

Renee Wade
October 5, 2012

What do You do When he Lures you in to travelling to see him and then abruptly tells you to LEAVE?

Article updated 2018

I’m on my honeymoon at the moment which is blissful and I’m so happy (there’s just something about seeing my man wearing his wedding band that makes him THAT much more handsome than he already is!) A woman’s thing perhaps?

This was supposed to be my private time but I have a big answer to a big question today… I chose to answer Diana’s question publicly because it is simply so COMMON and it also makes me mad so I had to get more awareness out there to women in the world about this kind of scenario that is not so typical when you are IN the situation, but also happens to many other women that we don’t know of.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> QUESTION

Hi Renee, I subscribed to your emails a few months ago and firstly I just want to say thank you. Your advice is unlike anything I’ve read before and I really value it. Secondly, I am having a tough time right now – in fact I feel like I might be going crazy.So although I know you must be inundated with emails, I would be really be grateful if you could tell me what you think.

I split up with someone a few years ago – well, he finished with me quite abruptly and painfully. I was heartbroken and never lost the sense that things were unfinished between us. About a year ago he made contact with me, just by email, as I had since moved to another country.

Then as a fluke we bumped into each other whilst I was visiting Shanghai the day before Christmas Eve. After this the contact increased and when I was back in Singapore he emailed to tell me he had finished with his girlfriend and that he felt something for me.

Over the next few months (bearing in mind I am trying to cut a long story short) we opened up to each other. He lead this, as obviously I had been hurt and didn’t want to show my cards too quickly. But he sent me pictures of us when we were together, of a present I’d bought him that he still owned and he told me things that made me believe he really cared about me. He said that there was something different about us – that we are always close even when we’re not together, and possibly always would be. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about me and at one one point he backed off slightly and told me he was scared of his feelings as he was finding himself missing me when we don’t even live in the same country.

Regardless, he told me to come and visit him so that we could spend time together. So I arranged my trip and by this point we were emailing each other several times a day. He said he’d take time off work and we would talk about how excited we were to meet up. And just in case this is a detail that impacts your view of what was going on here (as I would really value your honest opinion) I’ll let you know that he also sent me intimate pictures of himself, which felt completely natural as I also believed we were extremely close.

But by the time I got back to see him, something was different. I met up with him for one night and then he backed off. In fact he seemed slightly cool even before I got there. We had planned to spend all this time together but he was being elusive, so it got to the point where I was calling him to say ”what is going on!” – which is something I would never normally do. But I needed to know – as here I was on a three week holiday following months of anticipation.

After fobbing me off for a few days he eventually told me that I should leave him alone. He said he was wary of meeting up with me again since I would have to go back to Singapore. I told him that I had never felt like this about anyone before and he said ”I don’t want anything right now.” So I know – I should move on, which I am trying to do.

I have blocked him so he cannot access me on the internet and I would like to believe that I am getting on with my life as much as anyone could. But on dark days, when I am feeling bad about myself I still wonder what this was all about.

Maybe he met someone else or maybe he just went off the idea. But his behaviour was so extreme and so contradictory I wonder if he could ever have felt anything in the first place. I feel as though he lured me back into his life just so he could humiliate me, or feed his ego. But this is so far removed from what I actually feel in my heart. I really did think there was something deep and loving between us.

Can you see what was going on here? Did he just use the fact that I live in Singapore as an excuse to turn me away because he just wasn’t that into me after all? Was this about sex – hence the pictures? Do you think he actually enjoys hurting me? Or do you think he just got in too deep and didn’t know how to back out gracefully? Can anyone be that unsure of their feelings?

I suppose I want to know if there is some rational, masculine explanation for this that will stop me feeling like I’m just not good enough. I have never heard of anyone behaving like this. Thanks Renee, Diana.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MY ANSWER

Hi Diana, I happened to read your email and I find that you are being totally genuinely vulnerable with me, and I am compelled to reply to you.

Diana, ok. Where to start… I need you to understand one thing, and if you only take away one thing from this response I’m giving you here, I want you to know this:

You are asking me about HIS actions, but this is probably not as useful as reflecting on our own mindset and actions as we can change those if we want. Our own actions and perceptions are a more empowering place to start than going externally and looking at what the man did or has done.

What is true is that, if you are at ALL interested in changing the relationships you have with men, it will help if there is no confusion between just easy attention from a man and real love and attraction. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man”)

I know that you feel incredibly confused right now, and you want closure, and I’m about to give you the closure that he refused to give you, but I need you to stick with me as I will get to that part in a minute.

You said he seemed to tell you things that made you think he cared about you. Here, I’ll paste it: “But he sent me pictures of us when we were together, of a present I’d bought him that he still owned and he told me things that made me believe he really cared about me. He said that there was something different about us – that we are always close even when we’re not together, and possibly always would be.”

This man (I don’t know his name, and anyway I’m so pissed at him that I don’t care, he can be called assface as far as I’m concerned), this man, feels SO desperate to be desired by a woman – SO desperate to feel the feelings of attraction, that he used the idea of you giving him gifts before you broke up as a way of luring you in again. (also read my article on signs he is not an alpha male)

He’s very OBVIOUSLY been reinforced by other women in the past with these things that he does. He has learned, that some women will respond to sweet words, kind words, ANY enticing words, and as a result, maybe desire him in return, or give him sex.

Now – if you are reading this newsletter, REMEMBER this – Whenever a man you are only dating or getting to know asks YOU to go and see HIM in another state, or another country, the majority of the time, you should NOT do it. Generally, if you have not been dating steadily for 5-6 months, it is a sign of low value as a woman to go and fly to see him.

There are exceptions to this rule, but these exceptions are very few.

I mean, if you had 1,000 men standing outside your door; handsome and successful, would you be as inclined to fly to see him? Of course not. And that’s a clear indicator that your decision also comes from a lack of perceived options in men. (Click here to complete the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook”)

A man who totally WANTS you, desires you, will seek you out, come to you, and pursue you.

I do not believe that any woman should fly to visit any man in another state or country, when they are just in the early dating stages.

Here’s why: I’ve worked with enough women to know two things:

1) Your situation is very common and it makes me MAD; so many women fall in to the trap of thinking a man is totally in love with her because he flew her to see him, or just because he asked her to go to see him, and really, that’s not how men think at ALL. That is not the action of a man in love.

2) As a woman with a naturally feminine core, it FEELS far more right, genuine and REAL, if a man is willing to travel out to see YOU. You know it’s true, too! So do not deny that gut instinct. Because it’s there for a reason.

Masculine men will pursue you rather than asking you to come and see them, if they are genuine about you. They can also potentially fly to meet you if they genuinely want only sex, too. But at least that way, if he flies TO you and he only wanted sex, you feel far less humiliation than if you had to fly to him, and it turned out he just wanted sex, true?

If it’s true, nod and say yes out loud, because I want you to remember that.

I don’t care if he spends $10,000 flying you over there, showering you with gifts, taking you out to dinners. It is happening to a lot of women, every day, I get a story like this in my inbox very often, and men are willing to pay in order to feel desired by a woman and for sexual play or a weekend of passion.

And then they can say ‘get out’ to you immediately after, and not care, and completely detach themselves from you faster than you can blink. As you have witnessed.

So I mean, right now, if you’re either thinking ‘this happened to me before and I learned from it” OR you’re thinking “damn, I’m not getting flown around having nice dinners in different states!” I have one thing to say – it doesn’t have to mean ANYTHING.

A man can do these things and never be committed, never respect the woman, AND never worship you or want to die for you. Getting a true commitment from a man, on the other hand, well – that’s a whole other level. It’s a whole other ball game.

If you are reading this, I believe that you deserve a man who doesn’t just love you, but who Worships the ground you walk upon, and that’s what I help you get to my in program Commitment Control. Find out more information about this program in our Commitment Masterclass, click here to watch the webinar.


If you want a true commitment from the right man for you, you HAVE to sacrifice cheap attention from other men who SEEM interested in the short-term.


If you’re wondering how to tell the difference between a man who only wants casual fun and a man who has more interest in you OR might be falling in love?

It’s simple. Let him do the work to come to you. Let him drive to you, and fly to see you, or drive to see you. AGAIN – he can still fly to you and not be emotionally in love. He COULD be, but he could also just be wanting something temporary. But at least he desires you more than a man who just gets you out to meet him. And at least you feel better that way.

As a woman, you have FAR MORE OPTIONS than even the most attractive man out there, and you need to get that.

It’s true no matter how BAD you feel about yourself, and no matter how shitty you feel right now. It’s not just true because you’re more pretty than another girl, it’s true because of EVOLUTION! Something that you can’t change!

A fertile egg from a healthy woman is worth $30,000. A sperm? Nothing. Nil. Not a squat.

It’s simple and objective science that tells you a little story you really need to be listening to right NOW.

You hold all the reproductive value, even if you are 55 and your eggs are no longer viable, being a female still means that you have far more sexual power than a good looking man. The demand for sex from ANY man is simply greater than it is even from the world’s least attractive women. If you want to look at it from a Demand and Supply perspective, you can.

Now the reason I even MENTION that is because I want you to understand something about MEN, not so much about yourself (although that comes naturally as a part of understanding this). Men will do a lot of things just to feel desired, to feel attraction, and to get sex.

Honestly though, they think they are wanting sex, but what they really want to feel is ATTRACTION, but most of them are not consciously aware of it. And then, when they themselves didn’t allow the attraction to build up and pushed for sex early, sometimes they resent the women they date for the lack of attraction. Frustrating, hey!


AND – I’ve said it before, but I feel like I have to repeat myself to every woman I work with. Many MEN are very good at using WORDS to lure women in to casual sexual relationships that us women otherwise would not get in to.


This seems like bad news, right? But there’s even more bad news. I mean, it would be GREAT if we could sit here and just say he was the douchebag and move on with our lives, but that’s not true.

As women, we have to take a really good look at ourselves, and a look at all the ways WE lure men in to giving us cheap attention perhaps because we feel lonely.

I mean, cheap attention that a woman may want is no more classy than a man getting quick and cheap sex. You have to understand this! Because in a woman’s body, all the things we do seem SO “HOLY” and justified, and like WE are the victims of men, and it’s just not true. None of this makes Mr assface the only bad guy here.

So Diana, you also fell in to this trap. Are you wondering why?


As I said, none of this is about him. It’s about your pattern that you picked up in childhood that says: people who coax me with words and give me intense attention REGARDLESS of whether it is backed up with ACTIONS, are people who actually care about me.

******************************************************************************************************************** That is your blueprint, and it is damaging you.

And I worry that it is not only damaging you but the ASSOCIATIONS and BELIEFS you have about men, dating and relationships.

Now here’s the good news ð You’re way better than this, and this is a tiny kink in the road on your way to becoming a High Value, High Status woman who only attracts and CHOOSES from the best men.

Unfortunately, we really have to take responsibility for who we attract and date. It doesn’t just ‘happen’ to us. They come in to our lives for a reason, and this man’s behavior was behavior that you were actually reinforcing indirectly; so he had EVERY reason to think he could continue it.

Now for your other questions, because I know that closure is important to you right now.

Do I think he enjoys hurting you?

No. I don’t. But he might enjoy the power that comes with having you being willing to go over there to meet him. He might enjoy the perceived power that comes with you sleeping with him.

He probably also enjoys feeling like a woman REALLY likes him and puts him FIRST, before even herself, or her own feelings.

And of course, the absolute CERTAIN thing here in your case is that he enjoyed feeling desired. He probably doesn’t ‘get’ much. I mean, I wouldn’t go near a man like that who is that flimsy, and unmanly, but then again, I’ve also had the opportunity to learn from my own bad mistakes I made in the past, going for the wrong type of man, and having low esteem for myself.

Your next question: Was it just about the sex?

Yes. And no. Yes because whenever a man sends you dirty pictures of himself, unless he is really committed to you and would give his life to you, it’s because he wants sex.

Trashy? I guess so. Also silly, considering women aren’t nearly as stimulated by a dirty picture text as men are. It’s also not just about sex because he enjoyed the casualness and excitement of you two getting together like this. It’s some variety, it’s some novelty.

Your next question: did he use you living in another country as an excuse? AND – Can someone really be that unsure of their feelings?

Well, yes it was an excuse. Some men will say anything to rid themselves of a woman that they do not want a commitment with. It’s best to be careful, and really learn to understand men before you get yourself in to this painful place in the beginning. Otherwise, it robs you of reproductive years and more of your precious life.

And YES – someone can definitely be that unsure of their feelings. But someone who is that unsure is usually NOT in love. The “unsure-ness” and his UNCERTAINTY comes from having gotten in to this fling with you for the wrong reasons in the first place. That’s why he’s unsure.

Being in love is clear, obvious and undoubtable. Romantic love/intense emotional attraction is a DRIVE, not like lust. This man wasn’t in love, and may not ever fall in love, looking at how flimsy and uncentered he is as a man. Maybe that is just my judgement, though, because we ALL have that mechanism wired in to us to fall in love. But yes, some of us more than others.


My conclusion to you is this: Look inside you, not to him. I’ve given you some closure here, but only at the end of my response because the questions you were asking me about his behavior are the type of questions that reinforce your already existing pattern of needing to feel humiliated and used.

Yes. I said needing to feel humiliated. I can relate to this, as I have been through it.

Let me tell you what I mean here. Sometimes, growing up, some children learn through the way someone close to them treated them, that humiliation is a safe emotion to go to.

So what is happening here with you is that, you are going around in circles with the questions you’re asking me. And you’ve done it your whole life. It’s time to stop.

See, what this man wanted is obvious, from an objective standpoint. But your interpretation of his actions are the issue. You are seeing the entire situation as a reason to feel bad about yourself. And guess what? As much as you don’t want to hear it, you DO want to feel bad about yourself. At least right now.

Because, for many of us human beings, sometimes, feeling bad about ourselves has become our base level of emotion/our equilibrium.

We developed the pattern in childhood and now feeling bad about ourselves feels SAFE, CERTAIN and in CONTROL!

I suggest taking a step back and put your hand on your heart, and slowly start breathing in to your heart. Spend 5 minutes doing that, to get connected to your heart, which knows and believes in love. And to get yourself out of your head where all the damaging thoughts and patterns are running around like a rat on a conveyor belt.

Diana, do you actually have faith that love and passion exists? Or are you too busy wondering whether you’re good enough for any one man to genuinely fall in love with your one and only?

Having faith in love and passion and ‘the one’ is the answer. For that, you WILL be rewarded. You will NOT be rewarded, however, for constantly wondering how good you are, or whether you’re good enough, or whether someone enjoys hurting you or not. Some men will, but one thing’s for sure – when your ONE comes along, you will be CERTAIN in your heart that he DOESN’T enjoy hurting you.

If you believe in true love, then it shows in your choices. Right now, you don’t believe in it. Perhaps you think it’s too good to be true. BUT, you still WANT love and passion, and a relationship with a man, so what to do?

Well, in the meantime, you will settle for less, and go for cheap attention or “appearances” that a man cares, rather than true love and true care.

Two things for you to do:

1) Stop making feeling bad about yourself the first thing you go to in order to cope. You are continuing an old cycle, and replaying an old, creaky, squeaky record in your head that is NOT serving your future.

2) Make it your priority to be High Value and High Status and to SHOW UP as that High Value, High Status woman.

When you put your focus there, you will attract men who treat you like a goddess. When you’re ready to be High Value, I’d be glad to take you on board commitment Control, where you will get a clear idea on how to show up as a High Value, High Status woman. (Click here to watch the Commitment Masterclass and learn more about being high value)

Remember, as I always say, we ALL have incredibly limited time on this earth, and your life could be taken from you one second from now. Stop allowing yourself to feel bad about yourself.

Remember that moment years ago where you were SO proud of yourself? Remember that? Go to that moment. Whoever that girl was, feeling so proud of you in that moment that you’re thinking of right now, is the woman you really are. Don’t be lazy, be real.

Respect yourself, because you are a superstar, yet you are not allowing yourself to be.



P.S – if you are reading this and you have an opinion about it, or have some advice to add, please do! Your opinion or advice could make another woman’s day, so thank you in advance for sharing!

By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!

P.S. Connect with me on social media

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Title He Says He Misses You but Does He Really?
Author Renee Wade
Date October 5, 2012 9:23 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Blog The Feminine Woman
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