How to Turn Down a Guy

Article updated 2018

You’ve been there before. You’re sitting on the train by yourself or waiting innocently for an appointment, and some guy starts talking to you. Even before he opened his mouth, you felt his eyes on you, and your feminine intuition perks its head up and says….’this guy is bad news….’

So you remain friendly, and try not to say too much as to wrongly give him the impression you’re interested, and try not to say too little just in case he’s one of those ones whose anger boils when you refuse to give him any attention. I think every woman has had the unfortunate opportunity to deal with the latter.

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Whilst you’re trying to balance out your inattention with your pleasantries, the tension is building and it gets to the crunch point where he says “so where are you going after this?” or “so have you got a boyfriend?” or the dreaded “What’s your number?”

Hm. If you’re lucky, you would have gotten away with the old “I have a boyfriend, sorry” – but sometimes, just sometimes, a more ‘intense’ kind of guy throws this at you:

“WHAT?! Am I not good enough for You???!!” Or proceeds to stalk you on your subsequent wanderings.

By this time your heart is racing, and you’re feeling a little vulnerable and perhaps a tad scared. I’ve witnessed this exact situation happen with other women, as well as with myself. It’s particularly bad when a man is intoxicated.

What do you DO??!

As feminine, kind, caring, sensitive and compassionate women, we don’t want to start a fight with him, but neither are we interested in him. Here are some suggestions I have:

If you’re around other people, throw a pleading look at the nearest gentleman or beefy looking man, hoping he will step up and say “if you continue to hassle my wife, you’ll be dealing with me”. Show your vulnerability to another man of close proximity and appeal to his sense of protectiveness, and inclination to help the damsel in distress.

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If you’re alone and particularly vulnerable and he persists, the best thing to do would be to do some quick thinking, and figure out a way to make him feel important (give him some significance) without giving away any personal details, and without wrongly giving him the impression that you ARE interested. If the “I have a boyfriend” line didn’t work, then you most likely have a bigger problem on your hands.

There will be men who disrespect your femininity and vulnerability and use their perhaps overpowering masculinity to try to intimidate you in to submitting to them or giving them the attention/love that they want.

And if you look particularly feminine, young/innocent, are an open/kind and warm woman or are particularly petite or delicate, you may even appear more like the ideal target for men like this. No wonder so many women refuse to smile and talk to men they’ve never met before. It can get us into a bit of a predicament and men can take it the wrong way! (read my article about do beautiful women intimidate men)

It’s hard for women, as we don’t want to give men the wrong impression by smiling – hence giving him the impression that we’re open to them, yet we don’t want to feel inhibited and guilty. Nor do we want to ignore men or seem arrogant, snobby or dismissive.

So how do we strike a good balance and get the result we want without damaging a man’s ego or causing him to get more angry and feel more rejected?

A good way to deal with a man who is hassling you is to bounce straight back at him on his level (intellectually) and/or break his pattern. So, if he appears to be a little bit of an unbalanced and desperate individual, make up a playful yet dismissive line such as “I’m going to the North Pole, and the last train is leaving in 10 minutes”. If he’s the type that says “oh c’monnnnn….” just keep distracting him until he stops.

You could also try “shhhhh.”

“Did you hear that??!”

……….”oh it’s my phone, I think it must be my boyfriend calling!”

Use the art of distraction! Distraction or breaking his pattern, whatever you like to call it, can be very effective because you are able to superficially connect with him, so as to make him feel somewhat acknowledged, and you’re able to engage him playfully to make everything a little more light-hearted as well as confuse him.

The best thing to do, if you cannot easily get out of the situation, is to know your outcome (to not be stalked), don’t lose sight of your outcome, and keep bringing the focus of the conversation back to get him to leave you alone.

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If you get angry or aggressive back, this could make him more angry, as a man with a masculine sexual essence will respond to challenge by putting up a fight – if he is disrespecting you in the first place (won’t leave you alone), he probably won’t even consider the fact that you’re a woman and that you ought to be treated differently to a man in a similar situation, even if you’re getting angry and aggressive towards him.

It’s important to remember that in a difficult situation such as this, where an egocentric man uses his masculinity for the worse, normal ways of dealing with men may not apply. There are some men who will play on your vulnerability and the more vulnerable you look, the worse they get.

If you are with a girlfriend, you can give her a nudge to help you out. I have a very smart, witty and quick-thinking girlfriend who got us out of a situation like this before by grabbing my hand and immediately marching off with me. This was rather brazen and abrupt but effective in the circumstances.

If you want, you can also memorize the rejection line number as a quick way out. There should be a particular number for your country/area. ð Just make sure to disappear before he says “I’ll prank you so you have my number too”.

If a man is seriously angry at you, intoxicated and appears dangerous, you can still distract him or break his pattern, as a man’s judgment may be impaired if he is intoxicated. So, being playful and funny, or even ‘weird’ can cause him to become a little confused, and distracted from his ‘goal’. (read my article about finding and attracting your ideal man)

Admittedly, this strategy may not always work. So if he is being aggressive and you are alone, make sure to show that you are not going to be taken advantage of, and in this situation, you want to completely disregard a man’s sensitive ego. State firmly that you no longer wish to be hassled, and that if he continues it you will (fill in the gaps)/use your pepper spray or call the police.

Ultimately, every situation will be different but knowing your outcome and standing your ground helps.

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Do you have any suggestions for ways in which women can deal with unwanted attention? What do you do when you need to turn a guy down? Do you have any good stories to share with us that we can all learn from?

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